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Heart vs. Mind
LadderToTheMoon
Member since:
51 weeks 1 day
51 weeks 1 day
Last activity:
20 weeks 12 hours
20 weeks 12 hours
Heart vs. Mind
Posted June 24, 2012 - 8:12pm
First, I should say that this has been the most helpful forum I have visited post breakup. That is perhaps due to the fact that I have now encountered people who have truly experienced the same thing as I.
I feel like I am spending way too much time with my ex on my mind. He is taking up more space in my thoughts than anyone should given the treatment I have received from him. I was recently vacationing in a foreign country and thinking about him. Things such as why isn't he here, wishing I could share such great experiences with him, etc. Why am I thinking such things when he is the one who made the choice to leave and not look back?
I wrote so many heartfelt messages to him since the breakup and just could not understand how he could not take the time to respond. Now I totally understand that I was giving just what he wanted. He knew if he ignored me or responded with a short sentence that I would continue reaching out. I am sure I told him everything he wanted to hear. I told him how much I cared for him, how talented he was, how hurt I felt, how I had made changes in myself and how I took all his criticisms of me to heart.
I revealed an incredible number of very personal feelings and thoughts. Each of my messages took many, many hours to put down into writing. One message might have taken me thirty hours to read, reread, edit, read to friends, etc. The only message that really elicited a response was one in which he felt I was criticizing him. I think this is quite revealing as I look back. I believe most normal people would feel the need to respond to someone saying they had been hurt more by someone than they ever had been in their life. I know I would. I would feel so much guilt that I would have to.
I am proud that I have not broken down and responded to the text he sent me last week asking how I was doing on the anniversary of my father's death. I just found a few more of his things at my place that I was not aware I had. Given that it took him nine months to get his stuff, I am thinking I should just throw them away, as I cannot endure another number of months of manipulation.
© E. Scott Enterprises | Lisa E. Scott
We are not certified mental health professionals and this site and message board is in no way a replacement for professional therapy, legal or medical advice.
ladder to the moon
June 29, 2012 - 7:30am — onwithmylifeyou have a very clear and sharp understanding of how these inhumans work. Stick to no contact and give away or trash therest of his stuff. I went back so many times during the 15 off and on years and it finally took a series of hateful letters from the man and i mean insane letters, like someone who is slowly going mad, to realize that was it, enough was enough and i could never save him. i finally 3 years after our breakup walked away...........He is NOT worth a single more second of your time remember that......
We have to learn to take care
June 26, 2012 - 12:50pm — Done sourcingWe have to learn to take care of ourselves during our recovery. It is a process, and having this place to share and grow together with like minded people is very empowering.
We need to learn mental health and well being in order to move on and have peace. That process is kinda like a diet, learning what to eat and how to take care of ourselves so that we do not slip back and undermine the growth and success we have acquired. During our weak moments the Narc can look like chocolate cake, very tempting and thrilling and exciting. In truth the Narc is a mass of old stale dried up flour, salt, sugar and eggs, nothing to truly offer us but bad feelings and self recrimination. A mirage, a ghost, an illusion that never truly was. What made the Narc relationship dynamic was the energy that we put into it....they truly added nothing but an empty vessel for us to add our ingredients into.
No contact and no response works best, and takes no real thought....it is all about action. We take new action instead. We call a friend or post here when we want to make contact or respond to contact made by the Narc. That is taking the power back. That is mental health. Change the behavior, and the thinking will change eventually. We can only change what we do, and don't do. No contact, no response, no stale cake!
ds
More From the Heart
June 26, 2012 - 12:15am — LadderToTheMoonI am very proud of myself for not texting my ex today. I woke up and felt so lonely for him for some reason. I understand intellectually that what I am longing for is the intimacy, the cuddling, the companionship, and my fantasy of what could have been. But my heart just longs to be with him at times. I am thankful I am staying strong, because at this point, I realize I will only get more of the same in return if I do reach out: more heartbreak.
Ladder, I love this and
June 26, 2012 - 10:38am — spinningwant you to hold onto that feeling of being proud of yourself.
You have made a choice here, a choice that will serve you best and will not cause you pain nor feed the darkness.
It is not easy, but you are working toward owning the truth of the situation and that truth will set you free! Trust that! Believe that! Know that!
I love your attitude of gratitude, too, that you are thankful for staying strong. Keep feeding that in yourself as well, you will be amazed at the gifts that will appear before you the more you look at what you are already grateful for in your life. This shifts the focus toward the light and brings more light!
Ladder, I am so happy to read this post from you today! This is real progress and I am grateful for that, too!
Love,
(not) spinning. JUST GRINNING...AND WINNING!
Thanks for sharing
June 24, 2012 - 9:35pm — Rising DawnI have gone through all your emotions and thoughts you expressed here. After reading your post, I am glad I made the decision to not send the letters I wrote my exN.
I wrote many letters to my exN, each time he D&D-ed me; and I re-wrote each one probably a dozen times. I wondered if I should send them, but they never felt completed (the letters). I'd re-write them, over and over, but it just didn't feel right. Looking back, it's disturbing how my letters basically described text-book Narc behavior, but I had no ideas about Ns when I wrote the letters. I think I also subconsciously knew that I couldn't write a complete letter to someone who was not real - there is no end to the lies and fantasies, so it was not possible to address all the falsities.
I poured my soul to him when we were together, and even then, I thought maybe I wasn't clear, and if I could just write them down, then he'd REALLY understand how I feel (and love me). Now I know this is compleetely foolish. He knew exactly how I felt and wanted, and he used my desires and vulnerabilities against me. To send him those letters would have only valdiated his control over me. I am so glad I never gave him those parts of me - but they were a good outlet to express my feelings and get some closure for myself.
letters never sent
June 29, 2012 - 2:13am — no more an echoRising Dawn,
You wrote:
"I wondered if I should send them, but they never felt completed (the letters). I'd re-write them, over and over, but it just didn't feel right. Looking back, it's disturbing how my letters basically described text-book Narc behavior, but I had no ideas about Ns when I wrote the letters. I think I also subconsciously knew that I couldn't write a complete letter to someone who was not real - there is no end to the lies and fantasies, so it was not possible to address all the falsities."
I love that you wrote this because I did the very same thing. I started so many letters in an attempt to get clarity from that glib manipulator.
I never sent them because I, like you, knew on some level that Narc-Boy was a fraud and that he would never offer me clarity and honesty. That would have been counter productive in light of his agenda.
The beauty of all those letters, is that God gave me the clarity I was seeking. Writing was a wonderful outlet because I was asking myself all the right questions- and those questions eventually shed a light on his disorder.
Thanks for validating yet one more of my experiences! (And YES, addressing all his 'falsities' would be like trying to battle the Hydra- cut off one head and get two more!)
Love the Hydra analogy!
June 29, 2012 - 2:13pm — Rising DawnYes, the more you dig, the more lies you find (because they'll create more and more to cover their previous lies). It's a never-ending saga. Every few days I'll have an OMG moment when I realize that something else he said was a lie.
Interestingly, I ended most of my letters with something to the effect that I used to seek answers, but I no longer care, b/c it doesn't matter (as we know, there are NO answers,just smoke and mirrors). I just wanted to be done with the drama. Even before I knew he was an N, I know I needed to let him go, and I have. I am not 100% over him or the damage he did, but I am over the idea that he was my salvation.
I have to thank YOU for validating my experience too! This site is great - it makes me feel more sane each time I get confirmation that I was and am not alone in what I went through and my thought process.
Have a fabulous weekend!
XOXO
They take us down to Hell with them!
June 29, 2012 - 3:30pm — no more an echoRising Dawn,
These deranged men are just so HIGH MAINTENANCE! And, I, too, am DONE with the drama! It wasn't just the lies that flew out of his mouth (that was evil enough) it was that his WHOLE LIFE was a construct, he completely fabricated this false persona of a benevolent, virtuous and caring bible teacher.
He knew it would tumble down if anyone even breathed on his house of cards so he was VERY careful to surround himself with fawning 'yes men'- spineless, mindless sycophants who wouldn't hold him accountable to anything. In short, people who will 'bury the bodies' with nary a question!
That profile doesn't describe me but because many men in his congregation found me attractive, he thought I'd be fun to play with for a while. That 'quasi-relationship' served him many purposes but mostly it was about his image of the Alpha male, the desired man that women couldn't resist. It made him look more heterosexual than I believe he was... But all Narcs are auto-erotic (DUH! They're in LOVE with themselves- malignantly so!) so it's impossible to know how 'straight' they REALLY are! (Hey, to them, supply IS supply!)
I agree with you that it's great to hear everyone's experience here because too many people don't understand what a deep hole we have to crawl out of in the wake of a NarcoPath. They really take us down to Hell with them!
You have a great weekend, too (and every Narc-free day is a gift!)