Tigiangel's Story

Jo 's story

I believe my story maybe slightly unusual which is why I want to share it and also because I  feel raw, confused and am  hurting so much. I feel as if i have been emotionally raped to be honest! I hope by writing this it will help me be able to make sense of stuff.... Perhaps?  And maybe help someone else? I am sorry this is long winded but I wanted you the reader to get the full picture,am graphic in places as well not because I wish to be rude but again so you get the picture.This is MY story:

I  first met HIM about 8 years ago...on the internet.
 I recall my  first impressions of him then when first meeting him face to face   was he looked odd, and not like the photo I had seen of him on the Internet.  His body language looked that of someone dejected, depressed, lacking in confidence. He  seemed very shy and awkward, and there was no initial attraction there for me. He did have what I deemed  at the time a very interesting job ( we both worked in the law enforcement field albeit in totally different departments & jobs)  and we spoke mainly about that and he seemed to open up more & more doing our date.  I  remember putting my initial reaction upon first seeing him down to perhaps  him being very nervous and shy because other than that he seemed quite  pleasant. I had not been out on any dates for over two years, and I wanted to be open minded. We met up 2 more times after that, meeting up for a chat and a drink. The 3rd time we met was when he had just returned from a weeks holiday,( I recall him telling me he was going away by himself, something always did) this
time when I saw him again he was quite full on, he admitted to he had really been looking forward to seeing me again and had constantly thought about me whilst he was on holiday  had bought
me a bottle of wine and some perfume  which put me in a very difficult position as I knew upon
seeing him again I was unlikely to start fancying him, I did not feel we had enough in common and
i thought it best we did not meet up again.  He appeared to have developed feelings for me. I  
found the present bit abit full on and when at the end of the evening he  proceeded to forcibly
stick his Tongue down my throat I could not get away fast enough. He text me the next day asking
to meet up again and I tried to let him down gently by telling him I liked him but thought it would
only be as a friend, his text back from what I recall was clearly that of someone I had upset and I
did not hear from again.
Life went on,... I went out on other dates with other people and eventually ended up meeting someone I then had a 7 year relationship with.

Four years ago I started a new job ( still in law enforcement but in a larger different department)  I did not think much of it until I saw him in the staff car park one day, he looked at me but did not acknowledge me so I reasoned that he either did not remember or recognise me or  thought it better to ignore me given the circumstance of how we had met and the fact i had not wanted to see him again. I never saw him after that and he never really crossed my mind.

5 months ago my 7 year relationship ended. I had been feeling very unhappy in that relationship for a long time, felt unloved, under valued and my self esteem had taken a real battering. I felt lost
as you generally do after a long term relationship folds albeit it was my choice to end it.

4 months ago, as a result of a restructure at work i changed teams and came into work one day and found HIM sitting there in our office, I am going to be honest here and admit I started to
feel abit intrigued by him. I wondered what he had been up to all these  years, was he married now, did he have a family etc?  It was a big office and I never sat near him but none the less it felt rather difficult & awkward and  being a private person i was a bit concerned he might mention to other people that he knew me and tell them how we had met. I did not want other people
knowing my business.  I had  just come out of a long term relationship and did not particularly
want to draw attention to myself as I was feeling abit fragile but, the nature of my job meant that a
week would go past and we very often would not be working in the same location so it was ok.  I
confided in a trusted work colleague about him and she told me she had noticed his eyes would follow me around the room and he stared quite abit at me. ( he has a way of staring at people,
almost in a sly side ways look)  I will admit I felt more & more intrigued by him and flattered that a
man was showing me some attention, I had been feeling really low after my recent relationship
breakup  and before long felt myself thinking about him quite a lot, but I could never look directly
at him as I knew that if he caught me looking at him I would get embrassed  ( I  Can be abit shy)
 and I was not exactly sure if he was looking at me just because he thought he  recognised me or
because he was attracted to me.   Another week went on and I decided that I simply could not
work with this awkwardness anymore and plucked up the courage to approach and speak to him. I
did it all in a casual friendly way and jokingly asked was he not speaking to me, he laughed and
replied he thought he had upset me as i wouldn't even look at him and thus followed a
conversation about how I came to now be working where I was etc, we had a nice lighthearted conversation and we both established we were single, he then asked me if I would like to continue our conversation another time and I found myself giving him my mobile number!! it was something about the way he asked me that I found completely unthreatening rather than directly asking me out on a date.

These are the thoughts that were going through my mind at the time:
He seemed different, more handsome, more confidant, relaxed, easier to chat to and he was clearly working out at the gym now too, I could see that.
Not only did we now do the same job ( we had more in common now)
 I had forgotten  but we also have the same SURNAME!!
I fancied him now!
I began to think  it was fate that we had met again under these circumstances after all these years and this time I was attracted to him and he certainly seemed attracted to me.

We met a few days later and  had a really enjoyable evening together.  I went out on a number of dates with him  each time feeling more excited about seeing him.  I was starting to feel really good about things and myself something I had not felt for a good two years.  i started to secretly think that maybe we had something very special there and thought that when we met all those years before it just had not been the right time for us then ( stupid me!)

Things became pretty intense. Within a week he told me he loved me. One night, I stayed over at his place and he seemed really pensive, nothing had happened intimately between us at this stage, we just cuddled and kissed. At 2 am he suddenly sat up in bed saying he had something he needed to tell me. When I asked what, he just silently stared at me, it took me nearly 20 minutes of gentle coaxing  trying to get him to tell me what was wrong as he clearly seemed anxious.  He told me he had been suffering from Depression for most of his adult life,  he was on anti-depressants and getting his life sorted but he had not had many relationships because he had never felt right and the medication helped but made him impotent which in turn knocked his confidence with woman. He said the last time he had had a relationship was 3 -4 years ago. He went into huge detail about his father and how he had  been very cruel & controlling to him as a child, the way he spoke he clearly had some big issues with his family and blamed them for a lot of things not least his depression. I got the impression he hated his father and was jealous of his brother who was married and had a family.  He said he had been treated very badly by the other woman he had been out with which he said had badly affected him and had  knocked his confidence too.  It was all very feasible, I had had some personal experience of depression in my distant past too and I felt huge empathy for him, i told him i  wanted to help him and told him  i there for him, I wasn't going to turn my back on him and end the relationship.  I did feel quite over whelmed by what he had told me not least because I had sat up until 6 am listening to him. I had just got out of one very differcult relationship were my ex had had a lot of baggage himself and I just wanted a nice, easy going relationship and nothing too heavy to have to deal with. However, I felt sorry for him and told him I wouldn't be going anywhere, that I was there for him because I cared about him. ( I can see now that he was reeling me in, playing on my nurturing, caring side - (I've realised I am a typical Empath now) 

Within 10 days he was talking about getting engaged, he said he had already worked out he would take me to tiffany to buy a ring.   I responded I felt very happy being with him, and I was glad we had met again but that it was all going abit fast and he needed to slow down because it was making me feel nervous and I was concerned it would all finish before it had really started.  He would apologise, saying he lacked experience in relationships because he had only had a few short term  ones ( up to 4 months) he then blamed his medication and told me the euphoria of suddenly meeting me again and feeling so happy combined with a quite a high dosage of anti-depressant   Was making him act out of  character . He would constantly tell me how happy I made him,  how attractive I was, how he was drawn to me, how there was something about me, how being with me was the best thing that had ever happened to him,  how he could not understand my ex  treating me the way he had  becuase he would never treat me that way and that " I  was the one!!"  He would constantly want to talk about how we had first stated talking again, teasing me I had approached him and going over and over conversations we had had.  But, in the 1st two months he would also constantly go on about these short term ex girlfriends and his father & issues with his brother and what they had done and how badly they had treated him. I was sympathetic to a point but found it  exhausting to listen to after a while and very strange considering a) the ex girlfriends had according to him, been many years ago and b) they had been very short term according to him too. I could not understand why he was so hung up on these ex's and told him it was  putting me off hearing about them all the time. I also told him I wasn't a therapist I was his girlfriend that he needed to come to terms with his feeling about his family.   He didn't say much about them after that and it was almost like he had never mentioned any of it. His behaviour also changed after I said that, albeit it subtly. 

He had a thing about giving oral sex, and even before we became intimate it was clear he liked to pride himself on his technique as he liked to call it. he told me he knew he was good at it, he knew what a woman wanted. ( seducing me)  I found what he said a little off putting to be honest and told him i had never met a bloke who had ever bragged like that before.  He then said he felt he had to be good at it because he had problems getting and keeping an erection blaming it on things like his ex girlfriends belittling him, his depression, his medication and  all of this made him feel anxious and not able to perform in the bedroom. Again, it was feesable , here was a man opening up and sharing with me something very personal  & difficult for him. He said he didn't feel ready for full sexual intercourse yet. I told him the sex side of it didn't matter I  liked being with him and there was no pressure, no rush . He is the only man I've dated who I've ever been truly comfortable talking to about sex, we seemed to be able to talk about anything something again he seemed to pride himself on the fact that me & him could talk about anything & everything which made me feel closer to him. I can see now that that was also another ploy of his because later on when I tried to talk about things with him he would give me the silent treatment and I thought I had really upset by something I'd said.

You have to understand, I trusted this guy, ok I was still getting to know him BUT He wasn't a complete stranger either. He felt safe, ok he had issues but he seemed sincere and very open. He appealed to my caring side. What sort of person would I had been if I had turned my back on him....right?! Plus, I was really attracted to him, still am!...

Before we started seeing each other he had pre- booked a holiday on his own to las Vegas and would be going in a month. He asked me if I wanted to come with him, we would have such a good time. I felt it was too soon into our relationship and besides I was trying to sort myself out, find a permanent place to live ( I was staying with a friend) and I simply could not afford it. He seemed abit disappointed but let it drop for a while then casually mentioned he wanted to take me away for my birthday, saying he was a generous person, he thought a lot of me and he would pay for me if I went to Vegas with him. I was deeply flattered that he thought that much of me to want to do that and gob smacked, but also I felt uneasy about this not least because I had only been seeing him 3 weeks, I like to pay my way if I do things, and I don't like to feel beholden to anyone. He didn't push it and simply said he would miss me when he was away. I told him I would think about it. After that he seemed to gallop with other stuff, like he was quizzing me about our future albeit it subtlety. He would mention things like going on holidays much later on in the year, pushing me for an answer now and that if I wanted to really save money  money I could move in with him. He made me feel he was in this for the long term and I believed that he really thought a lot of me albeit, he did seem very intense but again I put that down to his lack of experience in relationships which he often reminded me of and he said he had never loved anyone before and that I was the one!

One night he came over to mine, we had a nice romantic evening together, I cooked us a meal we both had a few drinks and he stayed over.  We started getting intimate.  Immediately afterwards,  he suddenly announced  I  would not believe the places  he had had sex in at work, quickly followed by the fact he did not think sex in the bedroom did it for him and he enjoyed out door public sex!  What he said considering how intimate we had just been left me shocked &  cold, I could not look at him and asked him to leave. He silently got his things together and as he was leaving said  " Sorry, I must be really fucked up" (your telling me I thought)  I shut the door and sat there reeling at what had just happened. I could not believe it and did not sleep that night. The next day he phoned me saying he didn't know why he had said what he said, it was all complete rubbish, he had never had sex with anyone at work, nor had he ever had sex outside of the bedroom, and told me he could count on one hand how many people he had slept with. I did not hold back about how he had made me feel and what I thought. I put the phone down on him. He then text me telling me to delete his number and never to contact him again!  There Followed a  series of emails between us in which he managed to talk me round into believing that because of a succession of short term relationships in which he had been treated badly  he had been left with little self esteem, because of his problems with getting an erection when it came to penetrative  sex, and because of the high level of his anti depressant medication which he felt was too high for him now he was acting out of character. He apologised sincerely for his behaviour in writing and verbally. He told me he had made an appointment to see his doctor to discuss his current medication and also  to talk about his  erection issues as he really wanted to sort that out.  (He reeled me in) we met for a drink and a chat and I told him nothing like this could ever happen again..... things were back on again. This time things seemed   different,  far better. He said his doctor had reduced his medication because he did not need to be on such a high dosage anymore and we began having full penetrative sex albeit with a bit of help from Viagra...... The first time we had sex he told he I had no idea how  psychologically it had helped him ( I took that to mean his boost his confidence? ) Things were good, better than ever in fact  however, I did find him quite smothering at times and I had to tell him to stop galloping a head and just calm down, he seemed to always want to plan our future....getting engaged, moving in together, buying a house. I had been seeing him 2 months at this stage and I was not thinking about any of that, and had to keep reminding him to slow down. It was exhausting at times but we were generally having fun, he made me feel good, loved, showed me lots of attention, we had lots of chemistry, the sex was great, and I enjoyed being with him.  He told me me and him had amazing chemistry together and he couldn't get enough of me....he thought we were soul mates,...I  craved him. He actually  said to me one day when I went to see him have you come for your fix?!   strange!

I ended up going to las Vegas with him,  paid for by him,  he would not accept a penny, that never sat well with me i wanted to pay my way and i told him that was how I felt but he said he wanted to treat me for an early  birthday present, he had the money  and he would not do this for just anyone.  We had a nice time albeit it there were a few little things that happened that made me feel uncomfortable such as he would walk yards a head of me a lot rather than with me, ( I put it down to the fact he wasn't used to going on holiday with someone, but I got quite upset about it)  he also did something very strange one morning. We had two double beds in our room,  I was totally exhausted because of jet lag something I don't cope particularly  well with  and had pre- warned him about and had fallen asleep lying across the bed  which meant he slept in the other bed that night. The next morning when I work up I could hardly get two words out of him, he then got up and stomped in the bathroom, when he came out he stood looking in the full length mirror in our room and suddenly said  " I'm bleeding" I asked him where?  (thinking he meant he had cut himself shaving)  and he said quite abruptly "I'm bleeding, I'm bleeding... it was running down my legs"    by now quite shocked I asked him what he meant and how much blood he had lost he then told me he had been to the toilet and was bleeding from his back passage, he went into huge detail about it and said he was bleeding heavily , all the time just staring at himself in the mirror and not looking at me once. Hearing that really scared me and  I told him I would ring reception and get a doctor. He then calmly looked at me and said " well I think it was blood,....maybe it wasn't, maybe it's something I ate"  and he behaved after that as if he had never mentioned it. I on the other hand was left feeling quite shaken and confused I kept asking him if he was ok and he acted as if it were nothing  ( attention seeking in it's extreme form?)   Towards the end of the holiday ( we were there 5 days) I started to feel a bit smothered and was actually looking forward to some breathing space when we got back to the UK to be honest. I would sometimes feel like I was his possession when he held my hand rather than holding my hand because it was a nice, close thing to do.

Things went on fairly normal I guess albeit, I found myself feeling quite exhausted when around him and feeling quite moody ( not like me) he was always in a round about way fishing for compliments, he came over to mine one evening and when I didn't immideatly say he was looking nice in his new black  jeans he pointed out to me he was wearing his new jeans ( he reminded me of a child when he did that) I wasn't feeling particularly well that evening and I dare say not my normal attentive self, he took this personally and instead of offering me comfort gave me the silent treatment instead, we had a few cross words, I just didn't have the energy  or the patience that night  to deal with him and he stormed out. I did not hear from him the rest of the week despite it being my birthday and we were meant to be going out for a few drinks. I text him asking him if we were still meeting up?  He replied late the next day that he was very annoyed with me and had cancelled his leave and no, he did not want to meet up.  (He could not find it in himself to see it for what it was a silly small argument and extend a olive branch)  i spent my actual birthday so dejected and upset,  in tears most of the day - alone.
 I could not believe someone that supposedly loved me, adored me, told me I was the one for him could behave  so cruelly and indifferently.  I sent him a email telling him what I thought of him, and told him a few home truths about his general behaviour. I told him I would of understood it if I had done something so terrible but we had had a few petty words, he had stormed out and to do what he did on my birthday was nasty & spiteful.  His reply twisted everything I said and made him look the victim, he told me he thought the relationship had run it's course and that he could  not cope with my low mood swings. (what?!)  He was indifferent to the fact it was my birthday. He stated that it was a coincidence it was my birthday, he simply did not want to see me that night and that I had bought it all on myself by being the way I was.  There followed a few more emails between us where I was accused of having a nasty tone in my emails ( I didn't) I was actually trying to sort things out ( stupid me!!!) until finally I said I was exhausted with the emails there was clearly nothing more to say, he had made his mind up and I was sorry things had worked out how they had. A day later, I  received a text from him saying he could see we had both made mistakes and we needed to draw a line and asking me if I would like to meet up for a drink and a chat,  I agreed. ( stupid me!)  We met, we talked, he told me he knew he had acted like a prick, we kissed, we hugged, we made up. ( stupid, stupid stupid me! )

A week later it happened all over again, I sensed he was a little cool with me anyway and I challenged him on a few things. I got the silent treatment. He mentioned  he couldn't cope with my low moods,  this time I heard myself saying " I don't get low moods I get exhausted by constantly having to boost your ego and say the right thing, maybe we should call it a day  if that's how you feel."   he replied coldly " yeah, ok" . The last thing I said to him was: 
Me:  I've seen your true colours Phil
Him: true colours?
Me: yeah, your true self...I've seen you for what you are.
Him: (Silent, frowning at me)
Me: I  don't want to be with someone like you.

It's been nearly 2 weeks since then, I am craving and missing him so much it hurts. I feel odd . I have not heard from him, I have not seen him at work but I will at some stage. I will not be contacting him again....however, that does not mean I don't want to, I feel like I am withdrawing from a drug.  I am having to use every ounce of strength  to resist contacting him.  I went to visit a friend of my mine who is hypnotherpist and who happens to have done some work with people with depression and borderline personality disorders. I told her about him and what had been going on.  What she told me scared me, I now realise I have been dating  a classic narcissist/psychopath. She told me I was lucky I had only spent 4 months with him. I realise I have been manipulated, I was raw bait to this man, vulnerable after a relationship break up,  caring and trusting of him and he took full advantage of that. The worst thing for me is my intuition told me things were not right very early on but I would not listen to that voice telling me this. I kept ignoring it. I know exactly what he has done and how he has manipulated and played me for his own use. A parasite my friend called him, spot on I think. I despise him but still crave him. We did so much together in 4 months and he got right under my skin. It's scared me how he has made me feel, I felt he had full control of me, I feel as if I have been emotionally raped. I feel shell shocked. He just did not seem typical of the kind of bloke to be like that. Shy, quiet, caring,  meek mild, kind, helpful   - even when I looked in his eyes I saw love - That was the mask which  eventually slipped and I caught him out but not before some damage was done.