petitoiseau's story

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#1 Jun 22 - 5PM
petitoiseau
petitoiseau's picture

petitoiseau's story

New here

My narc broke up with me almost a month ago now, and I have found this site to be tremendously helpful.

We met when I was at a really stressful job which took up my entire life. I was looking for an escape and he was perfect; a single, older man with a beautiful old house who told me, after two weeks, that he was looking for a life partner to share his adventures with (on his online dating profile he had also stated that he was looking for someone who would "take a bullet for him", which definitely gave me pause later on...). We dated for about a month, until I began to have doubts and asked for a few weeks off, but missed him and came back.

His "adventures" involved lots of drinking, which was okay with me at first since I was drinking a lot too (I worked in the wine and spirits industry and the stress definitely had me partying a little too much, since alcohol was *always* around). One night we went out and I was matching him drink for drink (he was buying, but no one held a gun to my head to get drunk, I know) and we went to see a band. We were dancing and he kept flirting with another woman, and I, in my drunken state, got mad. I decided to leave and was going to call a taxi, but he flew into a rage, dragged me by the arm out into the street and pushed me into his car. He was driving about 90, drunk, through city streets, and I was scared to death. When he stopped at a stop sign, I jumped out of the car. We got into a physical altercation, and once I got home, I called my best friend and the cops. I felt like an idiot, swore to never date online again, and thought it was over, and it was a good thing. Dodged a bullet, for sure.

Unfortunately, that was just the beginning of our relationship. He called me 20 times that night until I answered the phone. He was so apologetic and "worried about me" because I had "acted crazy and jumped out of a moving vehicle." I should have walked away then, but I didn't. He called me again the next morning and we had a big conversation about how amazing he thought I was, what a great future we had, and how everything would be perfect **if only I stopped drinking.**. I bought it hook, line, and sinker, felt so guilty, and didn't touch another alcoholic beverage for six months. Obviously, I had a problem! And he was going to save me!

I grew up around codependent relationships and didn't want to be in one, so I made sure that he never had to even think about me drinking at all. I would just stop, and that would be that, which I did. He didn't, of course (which was fine, I didn't expect him to), and kept on drinking his 4-6 beers every night. On the weekends or if we were hanging out with friends, it was perfect for him since he could get as drunk as he wanted to and would always have a designated driver. I even came over to his house one night when he called me, slurring words, and asked me to sleep over. Why? Because I was afraid that if I didn't, someone else would.

He was **surrounded** by other women. His phone was constantly going off with text messages from them, and of course he never answered any phone call in my presence. A girl that he had slept with even bought the house next door to him. He swore that they were only friends, and since I have a lot of male friends (who don't text me constantly, but whatever) I took it upon myself to work on my jealousy issues. I felt special because he had chosen me. I swallowed my jealousy constantly, and felt horribly guilty for it. I never invaded his privacy until one day when we were getting ready to go on a camping trip, his phone was sitting next to me and it buzzed for a text message. I picked it up, feeling awful. It was a woman he had dated in California, with whom I discovered he texted about every day. They were flirtatious and she had mentioned coming to visit and them staying together in a hotel. I was livid and confronted him, but he calmed me down and made me feel like I was being ridiculous. I said I didn't care if she texted him, but that it was obvious that she didn't know about me. He said it "never came up". I did this once more, months later, only to find it full of texts to/from other women. Never anything overtly sexual, but he missed them (when we were at a baseball game together), was going to meet them for drinks after work, etc., etc. I didn't know any of these women and I'm sure they didn't know about me.

Sex was definitely lacking, and I always wanted more. I blamed it on myself since I was so much younger. If I ever brought it up, he would make an effort for a day or two and then go back to holding out.

My best friend, who is male, came over for dinner at his house (with his girlfriend) one night. He (the narc) got blind drunk. He asked my best friend a litany of questions, about weird things like my housekeeping ability. My best friend didn't like him very much after that, but of course I defended the narc to the point of pretty much cutting off my best friend. The narc was on board, saying that my best friend was still in love with me and couldn't handle that I was dating anyone but him (he's met every single one of my boyfriends and never had the same reaction).

We occasionally argued, and the arguments were always huge dramatic productions. I would bring something up and he would refuse to discuss it and give me the silent treatment for days until I was beside myself with guilt, apologized profusely and "came around". He never once apologized for anything. Ever. Any argument we had was unquestionably my fault, and if I didn't stay in line, he was going to break up with me. That was understood.

Well, it inevitably happened. I had a very important job interview and we were having breakfast beforehand when someone came to his door. He went to answer it and stayed talking to the person (a contractor) for 1/2 hour, while I got more and more frustrated. I got my purse and was ready to head out the door when he came back into the kitchen. When he asked where I was going, I said I was leaving because I had to get ready for my interview, and that I thought it was kind of rude that he had left me sitting there for 1/2 hour (in retrospect, of which there was a lot, I felt guilty since it wasn't really that big of a deal, but rather the tip of the iceberg in regards to everything else) He exploded, telling me how unappreciative I was, how supportive he was, that I was selfish and spoiled, etc., etc. I felt AWFUL all day (but I got the job!) and came over to apologize later. He told me that he wanted to break up, that he "didn't like me very much." I was totally heartbroken, but admitted that I wasn't very happy in our relationship either. All in all, it was a pretty decent breakup, and I was okay with it, although I did apologize for everything under the sun for the next 48 hours. Then I realized I was much happier without him.

We stayed friends for a little while, but I realized it wasn't healthy (I really didn't want to hear how much **I** was hurting him -- by not begging for him to take me back, I guess?) so established NC. Happiness ensued, until I got a "just thinking about you" text. We communicated back and forth for a little bit until I realized it was making me feel miserable and established NC again. This morning I got a melted chocolate bunny that I had given him for Easter (well, it wasn't melted when I gave it to him) and a CD he bought under my windshield wiper. At the same time, one of my mutual friends told me that he's dating someone else.

All I know is, I'm not going to be one of the girls he's texting "I miss you" to while he's on a date with someone else. And, I wish him healing, but I deserve much better than that.

Jun 22 - 5PM
Hunter
Hunter's picture

Another asshole.. Stay away

Jun 22 - 6PM (Reply to #2)
petitoiseau
petitoiseau's picture

thanks!