Here is my two cents. Firstly, I am sorry you are in so much pain. I think everyone on this forum can agree that the pain can be unbearable and I'm not trying to minimize it in any way.

You are addicted to this man and you are hiding behind this addiction to avoid dealing with your real issues. All addictions serve as ways to avoid things that are painful or uncomfortable. Addictive behaviors are maladaptive and counter-productive. So instead of helping the person adapt to situations or overcome problems, it tends to undermine these abilities.

Furthermore, theses behaviors are persistent. When someone is addicted, they will continue to engage in the addictive behavior, despite it causing them trouble. The only way to move forward is to completely break the addiction, cold turkey, and implement complete NC. This journey isn't about your narcissist, his wife, the OW. It is about you. It is your turn now!

It is time to face your fears and your real pain. Feeling is healing. You have to stop hiding behind this addiction and repressing your core issues. What you resist will persist! You have to get it out or your pain will continue to control you. It doesn't have to be this way.

Please seek help from professionals and let them help you. Do this for you; you deserve the chance to have a healthy and happy life.

My thoughts are with you Indenial. Indenial used to be my middle name and I have since changed it. Hold my hand and join in me liberation. It is the best place I have ever been.

Stay true to you!
Love Janie

I understand you are in pain and if you really want advice I will give my two cents. When you have had enough you will have had enough. No one can do it for you. Start with forgiving yourself and do the work. IT WORKS IF YOU WORK IT.

Insanity is doing the same thing over and over but expecting a different result.

Obviously what you are doing isn't working and unfortunately a narc is a narc is a narc. They don't change but you can!

Work the steps, do another one on one, post, read, read, read.

movingforwardnow (because I finally had enough)

I don't mean this to sound harsh. Please don't take it that way.

Unbeknownst to me, I was the other woman. I was told that my ex-narc was separated and basically living as roommates with her. LIE.

The NARC stole her hopes and dreams however you symbolize the end. There were probably many OW along the way but he eventually left with YOU (even though he is keeping in contact with her and probably others), so it appears as if you won. What did you win? Nothing.

Isn't that what being in love with a narcissist is all about, hopes and dreams? Not reality, never reality. Reality is that bastard who was screaming at you so bad that you had to call the police.

So,yes, you took her hopes and dreams- as I did. But you did her a favor. It's better to deal with reality than living in a sick and twisted fantasy.

You shattered the illusion that was him. She hates you for that. She hates that it was an illusion and after 12 years probably can't admit it yet. Her pain is far greater than yours, the abuse went on longer, the "traumatic bonding" stronger...

As I try to do, have empathy for her and forgive yourself for believing that he was something else and she was something less. You can still win. Win your life and freedom back. No contact. Not with her, not with him. She will never understand. The pain is too great.

Good luck

I often think what I would/will/won't say when/if my replacement contacts me.

She's in for a hard lesson with the psychopath.
Part of me has great sympathy for her.

I think what she said, " what do you want me to do ? He's not my problem anymore we are getting a divorce I'm getting on with my life " she then went on to say " he doesn't leave me alone ". -- is something similar to what I would possibly say, if I said anything at all.

the other part, that you are stuck on, maybe she just wanted to spread out the pain. maybe she's just lashing out at someone (you). You can't read people's minds. It doesn't really matter what she says -- but she's right -- she can't control him, no one can -- that is the spot that I am in for sure. And someday, if the replacement contacts me and asked me to help her -- I might just laugh. Because seriously? I can't even get him to stop threatening ME.

You need to kick it up a notch ..

Try a one one with Goldie and you must find a thearpist .,

And .. Don't respond with excuses ., just do it !!
Hunter

I can feel your pain, and I am trying very hard not to be judgemental, so please bear with me. You called a wife, who considers you the OW, and asked her for help. Think about that request. How would you have felt, as the OW, if his wife had called you and asked you for help? You can only guess at what she knows, at what stage she is in in HER recovery. There is so much more you have to learn about YOUR own recovery. You both have had so many lies told to you during triangulation. You don't really know what the truth is, you just know you have been lied to. The truth is probably even more horrible than you have imagined. She has her own "truths" and "lies". She is hurting, too. It takes a long time to get over this stuff, and whether you are "legal" or not on paper, you hurt as long as you hurt. Do not assume that her pain is any less than your pain. She had hopes and dreams that are now gone. You had hopes and dreams that are now gone. Soon you will understand what Hunter means when she says "We Are All The OW." You two will probably never be friends, no matter how big of a jerk the N is. Don't call her and ask for anything -- find someone else to help you when you are in a panic. She probably needs to make a few calls for help herself. Does this help? I know you didn't think this call through, but don't judge her for NOT helping you, or for her bitterness. Good luck to you both!

Simply put, you should never have reached out to her. To sit here and analyze this woman, will do you no good. NO GOOD AT ALL.

She's still in a fog. That's really sad, but not your problem.

Once you continue along with your healing...you will see, that you can only be responsible for what you do. He is a liar and a cheater. And you are both rid of a very bad guy. If she wants to blame you, so be it.

This is why it's never ever a good idea to contact the ex's ex. It keeps you engaged, and confused, and spinning.

Please try your best to not analyze this woman. HE'S A BAD GUY. TO YOU, TO HER...AND TO EVERY WOMAN THAT WILL COME AFTER THE TWO OF YOU.

That's pretty much the crux of it.

CONTACT = PAIN!!