owenjohnston's story - part 1

My Story (Apologies for length) - Part 1

First off, apologies for the length . My story only lasts 2 years, however there is a lot to try and condense but I'll do my best and hopefully if this helps even 1 person out there then it will be worth it.

Rather than describe myself, for anyone familiar with personality types I am a total ISFJ. I came out as gay to my parents aged 20 and moved in with a friend who was also gay. I was brought up in the countryside so I moved to the city and immediately I made a lot of friends, but I didn't have a job and only had my savings to last me a few months until I found one.

About a month after moving out I met my ExN. I still remember his smile and I remember thinking "I know him from somewhere", but I didn't. He was a friend of my housemate. He then messaged me, we got chatting and went clubbing together with my housemate and some other friends. At this time, I had never even kissed someone before and I was 20, so I was very nervous at the thought. However, when we were slightly drunk it happened and almost immediately I began falling for him.

I came to the conclusion that everything in my life had led to this. My first boyfriend was only 19, he drove a car, had a job, was studying to be an accountant, was good looking and had lots of money, not to mention he loved all the same things I did - so to me it seemed perfect. And the more perfect he seemed to me, the more I started (without even noticing) cutting off my friends and family and not speaking to anyone except for him. All I wanted was to get a job as I felt that I wasn't good enough for him and I couldn't give him what I wanted to.

So eventually I got a job and I fell for him more and more and after 8 months going out (which by then I hated my housemate and pretty much anyone who wasn't my N), we moved in together. Everyone told me it was very soon, but I didn't want to hear it. I wanted to spend the rest of my life with my "soul mate" as he liked to say. I would have done anything just to be with him forever.

When we moved in together I can honestly say I was totally happy for about a month, maybe 2. I paid for a holiday for us to Barcelona for our anniversary and bought him a £500 iPod dock for his birthday.

When I look back now, there were warning signs, even at the beginning, but I just ignored them. They say love is blind. Things such as him not talking about his childhood or his past, any of his past relationships, even at his parents' house, his whole family seemed to not get along and eat in different rooms. When he would see things in shops and exclaim "oh that looks amazing" I would remember these for gifts but when I bought him them, he didn't seem thankful and would only say "Oh, i forgot about that", yet when it came to him buying gifts for me, he either bought something he wanted to use or asked me what I wanted. I used to love buying gifts for him thinking that he would love it, only for him to just seem disappointed. But nonetheless I was still grateful to have him. I looked around and saw other couples cheating, fighting, breaking up and we always said to each other "That will never be us". We never had an argument ever, because he was terrified of confrontation. He told me that he wanted to marry me and have children together and I just loved the idea of that. We actually fantasied about our future all the time.

Every event in the calendar that was our first was great. Our first Christmas, Valentine's etc, but then it just seemed like a distance was growing between us. He never seemed in the mood for sex or intimacy of any kind. He seemed distant, texting a lot and when I asked him who he was texting he shouted "You're suffocating me, can I not have friends?!"

Then one week he said that he felt sick and wanted to go to his parents house to get better (We both went to visit our parents a few weekends per month). I found this odd and when I questioned him he just snapped at me, so I agreed.

I then started to get suspicious, so I went on his laptop (which i felt horrible for) and onto his Facebook page (I didn't have one) and saw that at 6pm that evening, (when he texted me saying he was going to bed and wouldn't be able to reply) he was tagged at someone's house and when I checked his messages, there were "I love you, xxx <3" type messages between the 2 of them, not to mention a couple of other guys too. Reading through these messages and seeing what he told them, was exactly like what he told me at the start. It was like a story he just told everyone.

That, for me, was the day everything changed. It was the weekend after Valentine's Day and when we had been together on Valentine's, he had been texting this guy. Even in his internet history he had googled things like "My boyfriend won't let me have a life", which still makes me wonder if he believed that...