Stop Wondering If He's Really a Narcissist

no more an echo

Member since:
1 year 9 weeks

Last activity:
21 weeks 5 days

Posted June 19, 2012 - 11:01pm

I've been a member of this forum for about three months and there is so much kindness, understanding, information, guidance and healing here. Thanks to all the contributors here (and to the 'readers only' crowd: Jump in- the water's wonderful!)

I do have to say though, that certain questions are repeated far too often- and they can be tiring, and sometimes even a little annoying. It shows that some of you aren't 'doing your homework' or some here are lazy and want the answers spoon fed to you.

I encourage everyone to read some of our older posts and blogs here (there is just SO MUCH wisdom and experience already written in this forum!) That one thing will answer SO MANY of your questions and help stop some of the rehashing of (tired) topics stated daily.

With that said, may I point out that this is one of the more repeated of the sentiments here. It goes something like:

"Is he REALLY a narcissist?"

This is followed by a tirade of your boyfriend's (husband's, significant other's, person who just did the D&D, or soon to be EX-whomever's) inconsiderate behaviors and downright abusive actions.

I truly feel for you but my crystal ball is in the shop for repairs and even if I was a mental health professional (I am not) I couldn't diagnose from cyberland, anyway. It could be that your 'qualifier' is indeed a Narc or a psychopath, has another PD or mental disorder, is suffering from depression, is struggling with an addiction, and/or is just a prick.

I'm being a bit harsh here because I'm trying to get your attention. You found this forum for a reason and it's high time you get your attention off HIM and on YOURSELF- where it always should have been. Maybe this is a better question to ponder:

"WHY am I doubting myself and my experience of this self-obsessed man?"

You see, it just doesn't matter WHAT his diagnosis is (and chances are, you have wasted enough time obsessing about him at this point, anyway!) You are here because you are being disrespected and abused/neglected by someone. You KNOW you deserve better treatment and that EVERY human deserves to feel valued, cared for and appreciated in ALL their relationships- not only the romantic ones.

So, why are you still preoccupied with his diagnosis?

Are you working on the 'Mental Olympics' necessary to break 'No Contact' and (foolishly) go another round with Mr. Inconsiderate? Thinking that perhaps this time you will shove and contort your delicate foot deeper into his warped, tarnished glass slipper? If you take him back, will you be even more determined to MAKE this 'relationship' work? You know the co-dependents M.O.: If you only 'audition' for the roll of his princess with yet more heart and soul, he will finally realize that you two are a fit for each other...

SCREEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEECH!

(Sound of slamming brakes or record scratching)

You KNOW (without a diagnosis) that this man is TOXIC to you! You caught him in too many lies and broken promises. He doles out his puny crumbs of affection about as often as a slot machine pays off. He's moody, immature, and unpredictable- he can't even be relied on for anything as simple as returning a text or calling if he's running late. Always keeping you in doubt about your perceptions and where your 'relationship' or future stands with him. Somehow your needs got lost in the shuffle...

So maybe it's time to stop wondering if he's truly a narcissist- or just self-involved- and focus on why you thought you deserved his mistreatment of you.

If we don't figure that out, there is no end to the opportunistic cads with which we share our planet. It's time to GET REAL and face our demons, examine our character, and our part in the drama- our need for a 'Happily Ever After' at any cost.

We all have bad days- whining, chocolate and a good friend's ear can work wonders! It is so very important to share our stories and receive support and validation. Also, to move forward, it's crucial that we work out our anger and pain of betrayal.

But I believe that we accelerate our healing and personal growth when we empower ourselves by placing our focus on the things we can change. Ourselves!

What part of me was WILLING to live in his fantasy?

September 1, 2012 - 7:40am — no more an echo

Thanks to all who commented here... I'm revisiting this post because another forum member wrote that we GAVE our power away and that reminded me of this:

"I believe that we accelerate our healing and personal growth when we empower ourselves by placing our focus on the things we can change. Ourselves!"

I know this post sounds a little harsh but I really need to be honest with myself about my part in the Narc-dance. What part of me was WILLING to live in his fantasy?

I'm encouraging the reading of all the comments below (not only the initial post) because there are some REAL GEMS here! For instance...

Canada wrote:

"I searched far and wide during the ten years to find the holy grail of whatthefuckwaswrongwithhim. I wished I'd quit sooner, I wasted so much time trying to find answers outside of myself."

Mycutefrenchie said:

"i have since noticed that he is not the only soul sucker in my life..."

Rising Dawn is BRILLIANT with her self-awareness of the co-dependent (me/us) with:

" I was still framing everything in relationship to HIM and the outside world. I have gotten so used to directing the focus on other people and external things, instead of towards myself; it's a defense mechanism that has been in place for a long time, and it kicks in when I feel vulnerable or alone."

Neverlookback added:

"we have always had the power to break their toxic illusion persona spell they had us under..."

About 'contact' Flo said:

"Any kind of contact is like sticking your hand willingly into a viper's nest"

Hunter is always good for a wake-up call! :

"Many members come here to be spoon feed and DONT do the required work to heal.. and the cycle continues..."

Thanks, y'all- you made me aware (kept me honest) and I smiled all over again!

thank you thank you thank you..

July 30, 2012 - 6:35am — tigger27247

Oh my god thank you

just when i thought i wanted to go back to all the chaos i find your post and youve put my head on again the right way......i so needed to hear what you said....especially......

THANK YOU SO MUCH..... x x x

light bulb moment!

July 30, 2012 - 4:50am — evergreen

thankyou so much for this post. I am new here and I arrived here because I already knew in my gut that something wasn't right with my relationship ...now exN A lot of what I have read here fits like a glove. It doesn't matter what the label is Narcissist Psychopath etc etc what matters is we know when we are being abused and D&D I understand now that my part was as CD and that happens due to lack of self esteem. You are so right we need to concentrate on ourselves.
I am still in the angry stage but I am using it to help me move on. I have had NC for 2weeks now so its all still fresh for me but I have organized therapy and I am determined to move forward.

Echo and all

June 22, 2012 - 5:03pm — neverlookback

My favorite statement in reviewing all these responses is: "He was almost a male version of myself and a poor one at that or something to that affect ..... and yes we have always had the power to break their toxic illusion persona spell they had us under - once the spell is broken the reality of what they are is almost liberating in a way to our recovery - while trapped in their pathology its almost as if we imagine what they did was ONLY done to just you, - well look around you, nothing could be further from the truth - you are reading what yours has done before you, during you and what he will do after you - I dont need proof of this - what he did to me was proof enough that he was disordered; nobody NORMAL does this - and they are FAR from normal - every time he was with me he was damaging and abusing his live in partner - but I could not see this I was under that persona spell of the man on the white horse.Believing all the lies he told me just as she believes the current lies he tells her.

I dont care what they label him as, lets call him KING OF THE ASSHOLES - makes no difference to me - all I know is he is a rotten person to the core - and I never want to associate with people of that caliber ever again - that is so below my level of expectations - to me he is no different than a murderer!!! We were all slaughtered in my estimation.

Bishops of Bullsht, King of the Asshles...

June 22, 2012 - 6:05pm — no more an echo

Bishops of Bullsh*t, King of the Assh*les, Bastard- Barons, Sultans Of Swill, Satan's Spawn, and Vapid, Voracious Vampires...I am SO with you on it (and that was fun!)

I haven't seen you lately and I'm glad you're back on today!

neverlookback, they did try to murder our souls...and yet, HERE WE ARE!

having computer problems

June 22, 2012 - 11:47pm — neverlookback

but I go to the library a couple times to read - and I just needed a little break and time to myself - my husband almost had a heart attack two weeks ago and had stint surgery so we had a bit of a scare in the family - but all is well - they discovered two blockages - -

I see so many making progress - moving forward and really getting it - and I see those that are at the most difficult stage - you are reaching that feeling of great peace I can see it in your posts - the longer you are out, the greater it feels - I still like to rant and rave about the freak now and then - call him a sick SOB - Satans Spawn and a rabid dog, take your pick lol - mostly It feels good to give hope to others that you DO recover from this - x0x0

NLB

June 22, 2012 - 5:21pm — Hunter

Ha! I just read this after I

June 22, 2012 - 9:44am — Needshelp

Ha! I just read this after I responded to something else you wrote. I talked about this very thing, and how annoying I know I am being about it! Thanks to posts like this, I WILL get there. Thank you.

On another forum I belong to,

June 21, 2012 - 10:48am — DawnWins

On another forum I belong to, no one IRL, a friend came out and said "YOU ARE BEING ABUSED". Psht, yah right.
She sent me a questionaire, 50 questions and I had examples of all but 2 questions. I'm sure if I had thought harder I would have gotten the last two. My head was foggy and couldn't think straight. When I discussed with my councilor, he said that just because he didn't quite "fit" what is written doesn't mean he is not a N. Just because my exNH didn't fit the exact criteria, nahhh he couldn't possibly be an N.
This is why it's so important to get a therapist or councilor involved, see things from another perspective. In a long term N relationship, you've lost so much of yourself that you can't see what is right before your eyes.

Rockin' post, NMAE, you're

June 20, 2012 - 10:44am — Canada

Rockin' post, NMAE, you're truly correct. It doesn't matter what the official psych diagnosis is, psychopath, narcissist, borderline and on and on, what matters is the fact that we know we've been abused, or at the very least we know something's very wrong (before the true realization sets in). The point is for us to turn inward and work on ourselves, not to mention detaching completely from the abuser.

I searched far and wide during the ten years to find the holy grail of whatthefuckwaswrongwithhim. I wished I'd quit sooner, I wasted so much time trying to find answers outside of myself.

XOXO Jules

the holy grail of wtf was wrong with him

June 20, 2012 - 8:56pm — no more an echo

"the holy grail of wtf was wrong with him"

Hahahahahahahahahahahahahahahahahahahahahaha! OUCH!

I wasted SO MUCH TIME, thought, energy, and head-banging on the deranged antics of my child's Narc father (NOT Preacher-Man) back in the day...

Wondering why he did this or why he did that. Couldn't he understand...? Wouldn't it make more sense to...? Did he really think that...?

And you wrote:

"I wasted so much time trying to find answers outside of myself."

Wasn't that the message that Glinda The Good Witch gave to Dorothy in 'The Wizard of Oz'? That we had, ALL ALONG, the power within us to return back to ourselves... What a beautiful sentiment!

Thanks, Canada, for putting all that into so few words! Truly a gift!

Anytime!

June 20, 2012 - 9:18pm — Canada

Anytime, my dear NMAE!

Yup, we had the power to go home the whole time. BUT I do believe that we have to get there in our own time, I know I wasn't ready two years ago, sitting across from my therapist who blatantly told me that she knew him, that she thought he was a douchebag and that I should get out. I wasn't ready. I didn't know enough. I needed to get a bigger, more painful slap in the face from him until I understood completely that he wasn't fixable, that he wasn't human, that he wasn't capable of engaging in even a friendship. The therapist, my friends and family could not convince me, I had to learn it for myself.

As soon as we stop assigning power and thought to what he's doing and what he means and what he wants, then we go home.

deciphering the lies from the lies...

July 30, 2012 - 6:47am — Mycutefrenchie

You are so right, we spend so much time on them, trying to see what is actually in it for us, that it should be clear that love is not games and manipulation...If you love me you treat me right, period. my mistake, one of many it would appear, is trying to convince him of my worth, which I even caught myself telling hum one day ''if you don't know the value of me then i should not have to be pointing it out to you'' dahhhhh!

Crumbs of love and affection got more and more rare and I got more and more antsy and unbalanced.

He has been gone for five days now, MIA, and I hope he stays that way!

Daily I get stronger and wiser and I do not want to be with him anymore, and I now no longer care about my wedding vows, which was a very hard pill for me to swallow, the end of a marriage.

My therepist said clearly we are not a team, and he made feable attempts....I was at a point where I just did not want to put anymore faith in him, so in a way I pushed him out the door, which is fine because if I was important to him, he would have moved mountains to make it work, he just moved out! Nuff said right??

Me too I am getting there, thank you all soooo much xox. stef

You've Got It!

July 30, 2012 - 9:08am — Canada

Ding ding ding! Stef, you've got it!

Because THAT is the game in a nutshell. Once they train us to focus completely on them, then they've in a sense 'won' the game. They can sense it just like any other animal when they find weak prey (just to clarify, we are not weak, but they break us down to twitching wrecks).

Once WE get to the point where we lose faith, they can sense that too. That's when they sense that we as supply are now useless to them, and they leave (hopefully forever).

In the end, we are the ones who are the hands down winners because we've kept our power and will not ever go back!

XOXO Jules

Ding ding indeed!

July 30, 2012 - 9:24am — Mycutefrenchie

Hi Jules,

i have since noticed that he is not the only soul sucker in my life....wait, I am getting closer and closer to 'being'!

I was bullied terribly by my French community as a child, brutaly beaten etc..just because I was English. So somewhere I guess I was in the belief that I did not deserve better, woah where did that come from???? Things are surfacing, it's about time I take the garbage out!!!!

it is now, more and more, becoming about me and there is no way I will let that imposter back in my heart even if he does bully his way back into our home, FINE, sleep on the basement like a rat and stay there until the house is sold!

Through the anger is coming the truth, me likeeeee!!!

Xoxox. stef :)

I like the sound of that

July 30, 2012 - 9:41am — Canada

I like the sound of that Stef!

Sorry to hear that you were abused just because of the fact that you are English.
That is insane.

Same as me, my therapist said I learned that behaviour from my emotionally unavailable sister, she is a total sociopath. We are used to getting crumbs, that's why we stay so long in these un-relationships.

Canada

July 30, 2012 - 9:12pm — onwithmylife

i finally stood my ground with my sister, she is emotionally stunted, underdeveloped, keeps my bracelets from our mother's death, even though she knows they are mine, she still wanted half of them as a result I am no contact with her and she can rot, she has always been a controlling bully, not with me anymore.it speaks volumes that she holds onto something of mine and lets our fragile friendship die, what a moron............

begging for love....fk that!

July 30, 2012 - 9:50am — Mycutefrenchie

Hi Jules,

The thing that I am unclear of, for now, is how I ended up with someone whose love I had to beg for....they don't come out with a sign saying 'come and get you emotional abuse sucka'! He actually is a nice guy, With everyone but me, and he was in the beginning too......however, there are a few red lights that I have to admit I poo-pooed....my bad my bad!

I am 44, trying to get a business off the ground, sell a house, get a full time job until busiiness makes enough for me and my FOUR dogs to live off of...but I will get there.

some folks have even said to 'get rid of a few dogs' because no other man will get involved with me.....OMG then GOOD!!!!!!!

Hear this MEN: MY LIFE MY RULES!!!!!!!!!!!!

Universe, I am all yours and I know you have something great in store for me!!!

Oxox. Stef

You just answered your own

July 30, 2012 - 10:31am — Canada

You just answered your own question, Stef. It's exactly because we learned it as little girls, so it's a familiar pattern to us, it feels 'safe' but it's soooo unsafe.

The universe DOES have something great in store for you, and you said it best with MY LIFE MY RULES!

deciphering the lies from the lies...

July 30, 2012 - 6:47am — Mycutefrenchie

Crumbs of love and affection got more and more rare and I got more and more antsy and unbalanced.

He has been gone for five days now, MIA, and I hope he stays that way!

Daily I get stronger and wiser and I do not want to be with him anymore, and I now no longer care about my wedding vows, which was a very hard pill for me to swallow, the end of a marriage.

Me too I am getting there, thank you all soooo much xox. stef

That is what I was hoping to get across...

June 20, 2012 - 11:32pm — no more an echo

Canada,

We all need to figure things out for ourselves and there's no rushing that. Wisdom comes when she's good and ready! There were a few strange rumors about Robo-Boy, too, but I needed to weigh the evidence and experience it for myself.

I like what you wrote:

"As soon as we stop assigning power and thought to what he's doing and what he means and what he wants, then we go home."

That is what I was hoping to get across when I began this thread. The very fact that for too much of my life (and most here?), I chose to focus on others in place of myself.

In most cultures, little girls are taught to be other-focused people-pleasers. So that's a contributing factor, I suppose...And:

"he wasn't capable of engaging in even a friendship"

Yes. But why is that statement less threatening than 'He can't be in or navigate a romantic relationship?' The very same abilities, capacities and skills are used in a friendship!

They are just so broken.

Yes!!

June 21, 2012 - 9:50am — Canada

That is indeed the crux of this matter, stop pleasing, stop catering, stop placating. JUST STOP.

The friendship thing was definitely a trap for me, I kept telling myself that I shouldn't be so 'demanding' of his behaviour, since he's only my 'friend'. I should have looked at it the way you described: "The very same abilities, capacities and skills are used in a friendship!"

You are absolutely correct

June 20, 2012 - 10:34am — Rising Dawn

I thought my focus has been on me these past few weeks, ever since I found out about Ns and started NC, but it was not. I was fooling myself, and I didn't even know it.

I finally had an a-ha moment yesterday, after reading this post, which flipped a switch in conjunction with a couple of other books I read recently about our inner self - I was still framing everything in relationship to HIM and the outside world. I have gotten so used to directing the focus on other people and external things, instead of towards myself; it's a defense mechanism that has been in place for a long time, and it kicks in when I feel vulnerable or alone.

I finally started thinking of things in terms of ME, and wow, what a difference it makes. I don't know if I am explaining this very well, but things take on a different light when you start to think this way. It's almost like looking at yourself from the outside - to truly see yourself for the 1st time.

I don't know what it really takes to get to this point, but I definitely feel very different now. I am not saying I am healed or am completely over the entire experience or the fall-out. It is not an easy task either. It's very difficult to rewire your brain, and it does take work. I know I still have a long road ahead, but I feel this is a turning point for me, and I am pretty excited.

Thanks again for this post!!!

the narc & the empath - a lethal attraction

June 22, 2012 - 5:38am — no more an echo

Dear Rising Dawn,

If I contributed to even a smidgen of your 'A-Ha!' moment then it is truly an honor!

I loved your comments. You have so much self awareness, evidenced by phrases like:

"I was still framing everything in relationship to HIM and the outside world...it's a defense mechanism that has been in place for a long time, and it kicks in when I feel vulnerable or alone."

You freaking deserve a hug AND a standing ovation, seriously. I say this as a Lifetime Member of the Co-dependents Club that what you just wrote describes perfectly our 'drug of choice' and how our need for it is triggered.

I struggle with that 're-wiring' of my brain and to take the focus off others and external events and onto myself.

It's God's Cosmic Joke that the Empaths need to learn to be more self-centered while the Narcs need to practice 'other-centered' thinking and behaviors. The funny part is our lethal attraction to each other. In a better world, we could actually LEARN something from each other.

Now I'm dreaming. Did you ever ask your Ex-Narc to imagine how his behavior made someone (or you) feel? Did he cock his head at you like a confused puppy? They just don't get it!

I don't know why, if we are different sides of the same coin, why the Narc is so unable to change and learn from their mistakes (I know, I know, they are perfect specimens and no change is needed!) I'm just grateful that there's hope for enablers like me!

Thanks for your take on the topic!

Thanks..

June 20, 2012 - 9:08am — erika astrid

Thanks no more an echo,

Great writing.You are so right,I needed this too,to be honest.
xx

con men work on our weaknesses

June 20, 2012 - 9:53am — no more an echo

Thanks, erika astrid,

When I met (last) Ex-NarcoPath, I was in a very vulnerable time in my life.

I think I needed an escape or a little 'Happily Ever After' of my own at that time.

I need to watch that in the future. Con men know how to 'plug into' our vulnerabilities, play to our weaknesses and exploit our unmet wishes.

Next time, I'm finding a REAL, flawed, 3-dimensional man of substance- NOT an unfeeling and egocentric cyborg!

Con men indeed

July 30, 2012 - 7:02am — Mycutefrenchie

My Nanny had just passed away when I met my conman. I was indeed vulnerable, and things rolled on and he was sooo sweet......but I was not my normal self either, I was weak and sad and...

Next time I will just Suck it up and realize that I could hit anothermwall, so beware.

I am now very alert, this entire relationship was a mistake.

Thank you,

You are so right why am I

June 20, 2012 - 8:14am — chris53

You are so right why am I wasting my time wondering if he really is a Narc when the answer was right in front of my face. without a doubt I know in my heart my Ex-Narc a Psychopath Narc! :-)

echo

June 20, 2012 - 7:57am — Jenna H

Excellent points indeed. I think I've read just about everything online about narcs and have read one book and am on to another. Sadly I'm still battling a bit of CD. But it's fading. And I'm getting angrier. In a healthy way. And it's motivating me to make a change!

Wahoooooooooo! Great post to

June 20, 2012 - 8:11am — Janie53

Wahoooooooooo! Great post to read to start my day!
Stay true and you won't be blue!

Love Janie

This is an excellent post..

June 20, 2012 - 7:35am — Hunter

This is an excellent post..

Yes, this is painful.. And reading is the first step in the right direction..

The Mods say this behind the scenes daily..

The answers to the newbies questions are all right here..

The mods, Goldie and Lisa spend volunteer time helping writing blogs ..and to see" LAZY" is very disappointing ..

The resource is yourself..

Hunter

fly on a wall

June 22, 2012 - 6:50am — no more an echo

Hunter,

Thanks...

"The Mods say this behind the scenes daily."

And wouldn't we all wanna be a fly on that wall!

no more an echo

June 20, 2012 - 6:55am — onwithmylife

that is a great insightful post, it doesn't matter if he is a narc or whatever else, why stay in a relationship where the bottom line is your are treated badly!!!that is the question we all need to ask ourselves and do the homework...............

Another echo...

July 30, 2012 - 7:09am — Mycutefrenchie

So true what you said, it does not matter if he is or isn't a narc, however, I know that for myself, and most likely for others, if he is not a narc or some crazy mental disorder I can easily put the balme on smething that 'I' have done and POOF it can be fixed...you see, I too have grown in the few short days here with you brave people!

I don't want to FIX anybody but me. I am a nurturer, we went through five painful rounds of IVF and I had 11 embryos leave my body only to be told by him 'well of course it doesn't bother me that much I already have a child''. Kick in the gut!

So narc not narc, asshole for sure and I am done!

Merci beaucoup xox

thanks, onwithmylife

June 20, 2012 - 9:34am — no more an echo

"why stay in a relationship where the bottom line is you are treated badly!"

YES! That was the whole point of the post.

My Ex-Robo-Boy has MANY character traits of the NPD and he's also scores high on the list of psychopathic traits. I don't (really) know his pathology- if he's been diagnosed something, by professionals, he hasn't shared that with me. Unofficially, and as a joke, I call him 'NarcoPath' because that's the feel of him.

Smooth, intelligent, charming, superficial, glib, lacking in empathy, insincere, deceptive, chronically and malignantly selfish, robotic...You get the drill.

My epiphany, concerning him, came when a dear friend asked me (for the 100th time) if my needs were being met...HUH?

Somehow my basic relationship needs were lost in the chaos and confusion that surrounds him. Wow.

I was so close to the 'cult' of him, his incessant self-promotion, his selfless sycophants-- it wasn't until I stepped back from the oppressive fog that I could fully grasp the insanity of the situation and finally confront him.

While it has helped IMMENSELY to read about the disordered, at the end of the day it's about my quality of life and relationships. With NarcoPath, I was not valued, respected, loved and cherished. Not even close.

It all was a sham.

Look, I liked it but....

June 20, 2012 - 6:43am — NarcSurvivor3

Alright now. I was really turned off for the first part of your diatribe (no offense) until the point you started turning it around and supporting instead of criticizing. Look, you may be further along in the healing process. Just the activity of getting it out is cathartic. So what if it is a repeat of how many others YOU have read....if it seems repetitive and annoying to you, then don't read it.

There is a real value to the sweethearts who are broken by these assholes and who need love and support. They are not going to research first before they trust enough to share their pain and neither should anyone be expected to. Just because you sound a little further in the healing process doesn't really give you the right to tell others they can't start somewhere. Let it be. This is a forum where others have to trust to start opening up about their pain. If you require them to "educate" themselves first because it frustrates YOU to have to read repetitive thoughts, then YOU skip over the post and read something else. Let others begin the healing process as they need to. . .In time, they will educate themselves not only on the extensiveness of this sickness, but will also begin to work on themselves. I just think it is not your place to tell others what to do.

Need knowledge

June 22, 2012 - 5:38am — Lala

I agree with NarcSurvivor3. For us, the ones who are just starting to grapple what the hell happened to us, we need to vent. I've spent years keeping this to myself and are so relieved there are others that might have experienced the same. I have no point of reference. My 30+ year husband was my first and only boyfriend and now the only man I have ever been with.
If I speak for myself: I really need to understand what happened to me before I can get on with life. I also want to know what to expect the coming months.

I do appreciate the advice to start looking at myself, which I'm not doing enough probably, with all this divorce shit and anxiety about what he might do to me going on.

And on the other hand addressing the repetitive posts you talked about? I can't find a search engine on the forums. Would really appreciate one. Did I miss it?

it takes two to do the narc-tango

June 22, 2012 - 6:41am — no more an echo

Lala.

With all due respect, did you REALLY read my post before you commented? It doesn't sound as if you did- or that you read it to the end because you missed this paragraph precisely about the need to vent:

"We all have bad days- whining, chocolate and a good friend's ear can work wonders! It is so very important to share our stories and receive support and validation. Also, to move forward, it's crucial that we work out our anger and pain of betrayal."

And:

"But I believe that we accelerate our healing and personal growth when we empower ourselves by placing our focus on the things we can change. Ourselves!"

Do you object to 'accelerating your healing' or empowering yourself? Are you unhappy with the thought of learning and growing? Are you threatened by the notion that you are powerless to change the externals? (Yet empowered when you look within?)

I am not speaking of you when I say this (I don't know you and I'm not familiar with your stories or posts yet) but please believe me when I say that there are some people (here and) in life that refuse to see their responsibility for anything. Women who are comfortable in a victim role and unwilling to connect the dots between their life choices and their current predicament.

You see, it takes two dysfunctional people to do the Narc-tango (the healthier we get, though, the briefer the dance) and if you're unaware of that, it just means that you haven't yet tapped into enough resources.

So vent away (or not), with (or without) chocolate and I hope you find this forum a healing place in your journey.

And, by the way, a search engine on the site is a great idea...any moderators reading this?

Read it

June 22, 2012 - 7:39am — Lala

Yes I read it and frankly the sentence "It shows that some of you aren't 'doing your homework' or some here are lazy and want the answers spoon fed to you." ticked me off.
Every positive after that was just about lost on me. Felt like you were slapping wrists there. Had quite enough of that thank you.

Same for your reaction "You see, it takes two dysfunctional people to do the Narc-tango (the healthier we get, though, the briefer the dance) and if you're unaware of that, it just means that you haven't yet tapped into enough resources." Maybe not everyone has had those resources, or have only just found them (me, for instance).

This should be a soft place to fall and I'm sure your intentions were good. It is hard to trust right now and for me as a newbie, it is a bit harsh.

LALA

June 22, 2012 - 10:39am — Hunter

Sorry you were "ticked off"

2 weeks as a member and this is what you give us..

LET ME ECHO, ECHO.... SHE IS 100% COrrect..

Many memebers come here to be spoon feed and DONT do the required work to heal.. and the cycle contiunes ..

So for you to make such comments 2 weeks new.. its really not appreciated..

If you have read (because you are not lazy or spoon fed )

then you know who I am , a moderator ..

SO heres a little lesson you need to learn in NARCVILLE..

read what you like and if you dont like a post MOVE ON to the next..

ECHO's post is SPOT on.. IF you dont like it here.. you have the option to change the channel..

Please be respectful...

HUNTER

okay

June 22, 2012 - 10:55am — Lala

So I need to shut up?

Lala

June 22, 2012 - 11:37am — Hunter

Shut up?? Did I say that??

You need to learn... Read .. And understand .,

Once you understand I'm sure you tune will change!!

Hunter

I tuned up!

July 30, 2012 - 7:18am — Mycutefrenchie

Mine changed mine changed !!!! :)

I tuned up!

July 30, 2012 - 7:18am — Mycutefrenchie

Mine changed mine changed !!!! :)

yes, good intentions - so listen up!

June 22, 2012 - 8:37am — no more an echo

Lala,

You write again without really reading and comprehending:

"It is hard to trust right now and for me as a newbie, it is a bit harsh."

I said in my original post:

"I'm being a bit HARSH here because I'm trying to get your attention. You found this forum for a reason and it's high time you get your attention off HIM and on YOURSELF- where it always should have been..."

Yes, I was being 'a bit harsh' precisely to get your attention. I guess that worked. But I have to ask, are you trying to not understand? Are you trying to find a way where your feelings get hurt? So now the issue becomes your hurt feelings and not the choices that kept you in a destructive relationship for so long. Clever. That diversion tactic.

If my post "ticked you off" then maybe I have hit a nerve and that, my fellow forum member, can be a good thing. If you 'protest too much' then you are shedding a light into your darkness (and we ALL have dark places in our lives).

Don't expect to be babied here- especially not by me. I have little patience for the thin-skinned or people who manipulate with a victim persona. You may want to avoid my posts in the future because I am committed to personal responsibility and accountability and that seems to run counter to what your seeking.

We have wonderful moderators on this site- some are softer and some are more direct, like me. Some moderators may even tell you to 'put your big girl panties on'- so be prepared for that! Neither will they tip-toe around your landmines. They're way too smart and savvy to be so manipulated.

Also, you seem to keep going back to your 'poor me' comfort zone:

"Maybe not everyone has had those resources, or have only just found them (me, for instance)"

You have internet access and the same resources we all have. The moderators will tell you to start reading and focusing on yourself and your healing- you will hear that from just about everyone else here, too.

You don't need me fluffing your back pillow in the meantime.

O boy...

June 22, 2012 - 10:39am — Lala

are you really telling me I can't read or comprehend, that I'm trying not to understand, that I'm trying to get my feelings hurt, that I'm misleading by diversion, that I protest too much, that I need to be babied, that I may want to avoid your posts in the future, that I manipulate, that I'm lying about my resources, that you know where my comfort zone is and that I need fluffing up? And sucking up to the moderators at the same time? All because I critisized your post?

Now that sounds familiar.......

nomore

June 22, 2012 - 6:59am — Used

Everything is on the left of this forum...1-3 and 4-6 forums, The steps, goldies blogs, how to get lisa;s books, how to book 1 2 1 with goldie.....The mods bologs, The share your story, The writing your goodbye letter.....its all here..

a search engine on the site

June 22, 2012 - 7:08am — no more an echo

Hi Used,

Thanks- I know that but some sites have an actual search box.

What I do now is use Google and enter 'Lisa Scott' and a topic (or member name if I want their story) and that works pretty nicely.

Thanks again.

Good tip

June 22, 2012 - 10:44am — Lala

Thanks.

Well said Luv!

June 20, 2012 - 4:05am — florence (not verified)

Hit the nail bang on the head and no mistake. Who gives a toss about the diagnosis? The only thing is, it does help to know what you're up against & what to prepare yourself against. IE with a hoover, for example. It has been proved on here that these sad bastards ONLY give up once they know for sure they will get nothing more from their old sources. Shifting the focus from them to us is vital - but never forget what you're dealing with. I still want some kind of 'revenge', even though I know it's stupid, and actually a dangerous thing to want. Any kind of contact is like sticking your hand willingly into a viper's nest - even if it is to give the beast a kick up the arse. Thanks NM an E - another strong and relevant post. Flo x

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