I actually left this site for a while as I stopped focusing on him and started working on me. I am in therapy and attending a Codependency/Anger support group.
As I began learning about myself, and started retraining my brain. Until one day I took the day off work and started drinking. (That's another issue I am addressing). Alcohol totally screws with my emotions. I had gone through the trouble of changing my phone number, but on this day I called him from my new number - first I texted him inviting him over for an unattached tryst. He called me back immediately and declined, saying he was in love and committed and he didn't want to cheat anymore.
Next day I texted him and told him I was totally wrong for reaching out to him and that it would not happen again. I told him we weren't right for each other, we would never have a future together, etc. I didn't hear from him for about a week.
Then he started texting in a casual manner. I detected something was wrong and asked him if things in his personal situation had changed, to which he answered they had, that it appeared it was over. I postured myself as a friend, empathized with his hurt, etc. The texting continued over the course of several days. Then he brought a book to my house and left it on the bench. I actually enjoyed the interactions again because I had truly missed him. Then, thinking I was in control, that I had the power, I invited him to go to a baseball game with me and the kids. He accepted because now he was lonely. The reality was he needed supply and I was laying myself open like a coconut. Strangely, I knew that I was feeding his supply but I felt like I could handle it because I told myself we were not going to be any more than friends. We went to the game together, he came over for bagels the next morning, he went to the shooting range with me and my kids, we went to the zoo in the afternoon and that evening I accepted a date with another man who took me and my kids out to a movie. He seemed very ruffled over that decision. The next day he came over again with his grandchildren and again, we all spent the day together. That was all last weekend. I made a conscious decision I would not sleep with him. I'm glad I had at least that much common sense.
On Monday he texted me, "When am I going to see you again?" I responded, "I don't know." To which he invited me to dinner the next night (told him sorry, I have another commitment), he invited me to lunch the next day which didn't work out, but then the day after that we went to lunch. Between that "when am I going to see you again" up until the lunch, he texted me that he was ready, willing, and able to commit to a relationship with me and give me the love and commitment he and I both desired. It was quite a long text, and I responded that it would be interesting to consider but that I would not be getting into a physical relationship with him for quite some time, that I was trying to live my life in accordance with God's will for my life. I also added, "I would like to stay pure from here on out for the man who will love me enough to marry me." We went to lunch the next day, intimate conversation and touching, holding, tenderness, and he asked me to consider a weekend at the coast this coming weekend (that would be today.) I asked him whether he was expecting to get something from me I was not prepared to offer, and he said he did not. I agreed to go.
Up until the 11th hour yesterday, we were to depart at 6 p.m., he texted me at 3:21 p.m.and called it off, saying he still had feelings elsewhere and that he never wanted to cheat again, and to go on a weekend with me would be tantamount to cheating, that he was feeling very anxious. He apologized for hurting me. He told me he was going there alone.
A few texts went back and forth last night but still quite cryptic. Was she back? (He didn't answer). Was she there with him? (He didn't answer). And so on. Just one to say he was trying to do the right thing and that he didn't want to hurt me any more than I was right now. This morning I got a full explanation, by text again and here is what he wrote:
"I did what I had to do. I did the right thing for both of us. It was not easy and it was not without great consideration. There's no way we would not have been intimate this wknd. And don't kid yourself thinking otherwise. I sincerely apologize for the abruptness of all this, all week, from start to finish. I did not set out to harm or use you. I am grateful for your help and I was prepared to follow thru with my offer. But unknown at the time, my situation elsewhere was not over. I never want to cheat again, and this wknd would have been doing that, with or without intimacy. I'm sorry for the pain I cause you. I truly am, but it seems, once again, our time is not now."
I waited a few hours before responding. Here was my response:
"You have done nothing other than harm me from the first day I met you, so please do not trick yourself into the lie that you are doing the right thing. It's too late for that...you cheated on her when you committed yourself to me, you cheated on her when your mouth was on my mouth, your tongue was on my tongue and your hands were on my body. Stop lying to yourself and everyone you come in contact with. Our time will never be again. That is my commitment to myself and to you. From this day forward I am blocking your emails, texts, and phone calls and if you ever attempt to contact me in any way I will call the police. You are a psychopath, and the most selfish person I have ever known. This is the real truth. Goodbye."
Mind you, this woman he claims to love has moved in and out of his house four times. The fourth time, he took out his guns in the backyard with the thought of committing suicide. She called the police and they arrived at his home, saw him playing with the guns in the backyard, advised him they were going to break the door down if he didn't open up, and he went to the door with his hands in the air. They called an ambulance and he spent 3 days under observation in a psych hospital after which time he was released. Mind you, the woman's adult daughter does not like him nor does this woman's best friend - and he claims they both are jealous that she doesn't spend the time she used to with them anymore (because he needs someone there every waking moment because he hates to be alone.) Side note: My mother met him and detected something very dark about him and my best friend told me long ago if I ever chose to be with him she would have to end our friendship knowing how bad this man is for me and she wasn't going to associate with me knowing the pain he would put me through.
Anyway, all of the above he told me all of this during the course of the 2 weeks because I was more like his friend at a time when he was lonely. But my passion and feelings for him were growing and I was trying to maintain the power by not giving myself over to him, but he had me at "hello", so to speak.
Don't ever go back. I read that so many times on this site and I believed I wouldn't but the loneliness and the hope of a changed man and all the sweet talk about how he missed me and how he trusts me and how pretty incredible I am dissolved my resolve. Now I'm sitting here with a broken heart AGAIN. Don't think you can be friends with these people. I even expressed concern about him moving too quickly back to me, that I wasn't his fallback position, and he swept those concerns aside and laid on the crap. They will stop at nothing to get their supply, and they don't really care the affect it has on you. I was a fool to believe that perhaps he really did care about me and I started to think I had been all wrong about him. But I wasn't wrong. I am completely accurate in the fact he is a psychopath with a narcissistic personality disorder rolled into one.
Please learn from my mistake.