I am having a bad night . A really bad night.

I am having a bad night . A really bad night.
Posted June 16, 2012 - 6:12pm
0

I cannot stop crying. It isn't even about him so much anymore, it's just my life. I'm supposed to be moving, and I have no one to help me, no one who cares. I tried moving some stuff by myself, but I had a heart attack on Easter and I just can't do it. My unemployment was cut off this week. I am running out of money fast. My divorce lawyer wants more money. My medical bills are piling up.

The one nice guy I had met on Match came by and pretty much let me know he just wants to be friends. That is why I don't use match anymore. I'm always the "friend". So here I am again. Friday and Saturday nights alone in my house, supposed to be packing and all I'm doing is crying and listening to sad music. I'm trying to think of a reason to get up in the morning and I can't.

‹ Gratitude Learn from Me - Never Go Back ›
TruthbeginsToday's picture

bluegirl

June 16, 2012 - 8:29pm — TruthbeginsToday

I am so sorry that you are having an awful night. I've had so many too.

I know how you feel....some days, the fighter in me just gets exhausted, sad and overwhelmed. I've been sitting here tonight trying to avoid thinking about how sad my life is/was. I have been crying more than usual. I was hoping that crying was a good thing.

I do know that it isn't always like this. Tomorrow or next week I may see things differently. I'm sure you will too.

Keep posting and vent some.

I'll be praying for you.
Truth

Janie53's picture

Bluegirl

June 16, 2012 - 6:59pm — Janie53

You are having a bad night. I recommend taking it easy tonight; take a bath, read, do something that feels good to you. Get a good night sleep because sleep deprivation can certainly make everything feel so much worse.

Make a list in the morning and set some small goals for yourself. No need to push yourself too hard. School is out and often high school and college kids are looking for work. You can offer a small compensation or even getting a group of friends a pizza to share. Post a sign at your local supermarket and I bet some kids will respond.

Now to the most important part and that is how down you are. You have been through hell with a narcissist and you had a major health issue not too long ago. This is a tremendous load to deal with. Are you getting help from a therapist at all. I too know that iit feels like you will never feel better but I promise you will. Please take care of yourself and in time you will begin to feel better. Your last response broke my heart at the depth of your pain. Your friends and family would be heartbroken to hear you speak as such.

BluegirlI, please take care of you! You are so worth it! You are in my thoughts!

Stay true!
Love Janie

bluegirl's picture

Even if I've never met any of

June 16, 2012 - 7:32pm — bluegirl

Even if I've never met any of you in person, I love you all. I think that for some reason being alone all the time, having to finally move out of the home I created - and poured 14 years of my life into, the second Father's Day without my Dad, and the feeling that no one cares -- all of that is hitting me hard tonight. And the feeling that I will never be enough. I will just never be enough.

Janie53's picture

BluegirlI- You are enough,

June 16, 2012 - 8:32pm — Janie53

BluegirlI-
You are enough, you just don't see it yet. Feeling is healing even though it is terribly painful at times. You are in a great place here on the forum. We all care because we can and that in itself is a great feeling.

Sleep well!
Stay true,

Love Janie

abreva's picture

Sweetheart. You feel bad tonight. But it will pass.

June 16, 2012 - 8:19pm — abreva

Bluegirl. Sweetie. It's going to be alright. It really will.

It feels Horrible tonight. I know. I really do know.

It won't feel like this next week, or next month. Really.

Next year, you will feel differently.

Just get through today.

You will be okay.

goldie's picture

Where do you live???

June 16, 2012 - 6:43pm — goldie

Perhaps you live near a member and they would be willing to help you pack. It's worth a try.

God bless,
Goldie

Sparrow's picture

I'm so sorry Blue. I know

June 16, 2012 - 6:22pm — Sparrow

I'm so sorry Blue. I know how you feel. I was there myself a little over a year ago. It's horrible, I know. But please know that it DOES get better. I can promise you that.

I can give you a hundred reasons to get up in the morning. The main one though.........

Because you have to. Bottom line. You have to. And you will see, at the end of your journey, how very important "getting up" each day is.

Hang tight, don't fret over the bilks, they can't get blood from a stone. It will all work out. Take care of yourself and what is on your plate that moment. Don't look any further down the road than the day that you are dealing with.

It does get better, I am living proof of that, as are many others here.

My best to you, chin up, wipe those tears, and soldier on. You can do it, I know you can!

bluegirl's picture

I would never say this to my

June 16, 2012 - 6:27pm — bluegirl

I would never say this to my friends or family, but a big part of me is angry they didn't just let me die that night. I would have just gone to sleep and never woken up.

imasurvivor's picture

bluegirl, hang in there!

June 17, 2012 - 1:25pm — imasurvivor

So sorry you feel like this... but go easy on yourself! You are only human and you are dealing with trying to get your whole self back on top of trying to make it through a tough time. If that isn't hardcore strength, I don't know what is!! I am so sorry to hear you are struggling so much right now, but keep in mind this is only temporary, and you will get to the point where you feel like yourself again. Focus on the positive aspects instead of what you don't have...I bet you have a ton to be proud of and thankful for. I was with my XN for 10 years... mind you that was off and on, but it was still a long time. I moved away from him about 2 years ago because I was finally doing something for myself that I always wanted to do. It was a struggle getting out of bed and dragging myself to work, only to come home and make myself pack. Like you, I cried and was sitting alone all the time and could barely get out of bed. But, I will tell you this... even though at the time I never thought I would feel happiness again or would even get through the move, it was the best thing I have ever done for myself. Because once I was in a new environment without him or anything to remind me of him, I started to heal. I just recently went no contact and blocked his number as of a few months ago, and since then feel 100% back to me! Maybe you can reach out to the local women's shelter or a church to see if they have volunteers who would be willing to help you pack/move?

The bottom line is, you have been devastated. And you can't instantly feel better, but you absolutely will with a little time! Soon you will look back on this part of your life and be grateful that you did what you are doing now. Keep going,... You are worth every bit of it! Keep your head up and don't rush into a new relationship until you have worked on getting You back! I believe in you and know this is just temporary and believe the fighter in you is about to show the world you are coming back stronger than before!