I've gone NC with my family member.

I've gone NC with my family member.
Posted June 15, 2012 - 2:19pm
0

Since my Family Member continues to participate with the Psychopath, continues to participate in the game of triangulation, I have cut off contact.

I have blocked FM's email.

I have NOT blocked FM's phone, since at times my children may call from FM's house, but I am considering blocking FM's phone. I will simply not answer the phone if it is from FM.

I'm done.

It hurts, but hopefully now I can heal and be free.

Here's some of the backstory:
http://www.lisaescott.com/forum/2012/06/03/communicating-my-family-membe...

‹ just to vent So scared... ›
abreva's picture

The Healing Continues

August 4, 2012 - 11:08pm — abreva

It's really such a relief to be NC.

A blessing.

Sometimes things look like a curse (like having to go NC with Family Member) but they are not. Really -- it's a blessing.

1. I'll be going about my life, la la la -- today I was mopping the floor --
2. a memory will rise up - of the nonsense Family Member would feed me, or subject me to. Something ridiculous or destructive. You know: Garbage that became part of my "truth".
3. I say, Hello Memory.
4. My brain does a little bit of untangling of the nonsense. It doesn't even hurt. I'll remember a cruelty that F.M. said: and I'll notice how stupid and cruel or short sighted it was.
5. I'll tell my sweet little brain: it's okay, that's over now. you don't EVER have to listen to that nonsense EVER again. you can grow up and have a happy brain, and be KIND to people, and be HOPEFUL and PEACEFUL.

So, for a lot of years, I was "trapped" in a relationship with F.M. -- and then F.M. jettisoned me out by a horrible betrayal -- and now I'm not "trapped".

Janie53's picture

Abreva

August 5, 2012 - 6:38am — Janie53

Keep going Abreva; you're doing great! Stepping away from the nastiness and game playing is truly liberating.

Stay true as you now do!
Love Janie

abreva's picture

NC is so important.

July 3, 2012 - 1:51pm — abreva

I can't be completely NC with Family Member because of my children.

So, I had a touch of contact yesterday and EWW.

Ewww. Yuck.

It's really important to minimize contact, because when you hear their voice, it makes it all the more real and present, and EWW.

I'm learning ways to minimize. Lessons learned.

Life is just better NOT Contacting.

Contact sucks you back into the drama.

---

and lately I've been having lots of dreams of the EXNH-Pscyhopath and Family Member sabotaging me and trying to take my kids away. good times. jeez.

abreva's picture

Update on the healing process

June 22, 2012 - 2:58pm — abreva

Going NC with my family member has been very good for me.

Making a clear decision for myself, and making this decision clear to my family member, has freed me of the indecision.

Indecision was keeping me from seeing the depth of FM's betrayal of me and my children.
Indecision was keeping me from feeling the anger.
One foot in the door of reconciliation kept me in Nowhere Land.

I could hardly believe it was real, before I went No Contact.

Now I am clear: It really happened.

I currently feel the anger. I am stirred up. I am clear of the injustice that has been done to me and my children. I am clear of what I have lost, and of what I never actually had.

It's uncomfortable to feel this, and look at it straight on, but I can handle it.

I feel righteous in being NC with my family member, and it has made me feel even more righteous now in being extreme LC with the EXNH-Psychopath.

It's painful, but I can see the new me being borne in this.

It's easy to be NC, but it's extremely hard to feel the feelings.

I'm not "medicating" with food, which has been my calming agent of choice since FM betrayed me. I've got no salve except a hot shower, and deep breathing, etc.

Janie53's picture

Abreva

June 22, 2012 - 5:28pm — Janie53

You go girl! This is an absolute perfect example of being true to yourself. You should be really proud of you! What an example you are setting for your kids as well. I know it isn't easy but it will get easier and feel better and better.

Keep staying true, it is now all about you!
With lots of love,

Janie

abreva's picture

Thank you Janie, for the encouragement

June 22, 2012 - 10:57pm — abreva

Thanks for pointing out that I'm being true to me. I'm still learning what that is.

Thanks for telling me that it will get better -- it's hard to imagine that it will, but I will believe you. You continue to be right-on.

What example am I setting for my kids?
For discarding FM?
I can't explain what is going on to them. They are just confused by it.
I feel like they won't see it, that they will be angry at me and blame me.

And thanks for the love,

:) Abreva.

wsh's picture

Abreva, rest assured

June 23, 2012 - 8:43am — wsh

that while your children are confused & maybe angry with you NOW, there will come a day - when they are older - that they WILL understand & be grateful to you for protecting them from disordered FM. The example you are setting is a healthy one - you are teaching them that respect & boundaries are part of ALL relationships. You may very well be saving your children from narc relationships in their future; please remember that & don't ever doubt that what you are doing is the right thing.

Go ahead & feel the anger - it IS "righteous" anger - you are a strong woman & you will get through this too.

Janie is right - you are being true to YOU - YOU GO GIRL!!

Janie53's picture

Abreva

June 23, 2012 - 7:42am — Janie53

Thank you for your kind words and there is no reason to thank me. You are showing your children that people, no matter how they are connected to you, need to treat each other with kindness and respect. Even before my psychopath experience, I never felt that I was obligated to stay in touch with a relative if they treated me improperly. I now know one of my siblings is a nracissist but implemented no contact years ago because he was a blatant ass.

I believe your kids are young so of course you don't need to get into a lot of details but you can explain that this FM isn't be kind and respectful to you. You can tell them it is okay for them to be sad and angry at you and miss the FM, but it is important that people treat each other with respect. They won't get it now Abreva but they will as they mature. You are setting a brilliant example of being true to you and they will follow your lead. Children learn from example.

You are true to you!
Love Janie

abreva's picture

ACTION

June 15, 2012 - 10:31pm — abreva

http://www.baggagereclaim.co.uk/women-who-talk-think-too-much-wasting-ti...

Oh My Gosh, this is so helpful to me. While I don't berate myself for Delaying action with Family Member, I can see this is SO helpful.

Now that I UNDERSTAND my situation with FM and I have come to terms with the cost and risk of going NC versus NOT going NC -- I can see that for my future, I want to reside in the realm of ACTION.

and

I delayed with the EXNH-Psychopath - - with this constant Talking, oh the DRAMA. And all during the separation it's been just one big TALK FESTIVAL with various friends advising me about what to do, and talking to myself in my head about it, and writing it all out and typing it on here. I don't regret, and I am grateful to all the people in my life that spent their breath and time and typing on ME and the DRAMA with the FamilyMember and Psychopath. But I SWEAR TO GOD IT IS OVER. I am not doing a Gab Festival any more. If I talk about stuff it's going to be about ACTION. Jeez.

Lala's picture

Rang a bell

June 16, 2012 - 1:21am — Lala

Thanks for posting this link. It rang a bell for me too.

TruthbeginsToday's picture

I liked this article

June 15, 2012 - 11:17pm — TruthbeginsToday

I've always said that I was my ex N/P's conscience. I finally realized that if I have to repeatedly tell someone what they are doing is hurtful or wrong...It's time to move on.BIG RED FLAG and not my job to teach a grown-up.

On the other side...if you DO always have to tell them...you are just giving an N the keys to fool you better. It's best to let them be who they are. It's easier to spot them sooner.

onwithmylife's picture

abreva

June 15, 2012 - 8:25pm — onwithmylife

I am no contact with my sister, it is a long story but all these years realize she is emotionally stunted, very little empathy, it is sad but now thanks to the exnarc, I know what has been wrong with her for so many years.

abreva's picture

Good to know we aren't alone.

June 15, 2012 - 10:32pm — abreva

Well, I like a long story. So if you ever want to share it - I'm here.

:)

abreva's picture

about boundaries

June 15, 2012 - 4:26pm — abreva

great series of posts about boundaries

http://www.baggagereclaim.co.uk/10-fundamental-lessons-onboundaries-in-r...
-----------------

http://www.baggagereclaim.co.uk/10-fundamental-lessons-onboundaries-in-r...

"If someone thinks that there is no negative consequence to their crap behaviour, why would they stop? Why would they change? More importantly, if you’re not creating consequences, when do you get your signal to opt out?"

Family Member did something horrible to me. I waited to do anything about it. I drew a strong boundary line recently in order to OPT OUT. FM ignored the boundary, and toyed with it. I OPTED OUT.

TruthbeginsToday's picture

I admire your courage.

June 15, 2012 - 5:13pm — TruthbeginsToday

I'm so, so, so very sorry that your boundaries were ignored. I know you agonized over this.

These people cause so much pain...

(hug) and strength for you.

abreva's picture

thanks truth

June 15, 2012 - 6:34pm — abreva

i keep wanting to unblock to see if FM writes me

but i won't

i know that practicing my own boundaries is important

i am disengaging from the abusers