is this what its really about?

is this what its really about?
Posted June 13, 2012 - 2:26pm
1

Hey

I have been really having quite a tough time this week - even though its been six months (almost) NC - its not about him anymore ... but i have been feeling very blue.... and today I have realised I have been worrying about my estranged father dying before I have chance to talk to him and make peace... he left when I was 7(35 years ago) and I have had no real relationship with him since.. so I am wondering that the upset I know feel and I feel devestated.. is now able to come to the surface as I am no longer hiding behind being sociable everyday with many acquaintances, drinking and being involved with unkind men.... so basically i have been stripped bare and back to the core of me and this upset is this the healing of one of the biggest things that ever happened to me ... so what i am trying to say is .. i know have no distractions and have healed enough from the n to see the real causes of some of my unhappiness and this is the unresolved and devastating abandonment by my dad....

does this make sense?? xx

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tootsgee's picture

Thank you all for your

June 14, 2012 - 2:40am — tootsgee

Thank you all for your replies... it does feel very real today and although I feel bruised I feel like this the core of the matter and that getting through this will be such a godsend.

I have been guided by all of you so much and due to your support and many others here I have been able to get to where I am now and this does feel momentous.

I cannot thank you enough because now I realise this is not about the N or any of the other abusive people I had in my life this is about me and my furture happiness.

I intend to write to my father - and we will see what happens.

Again thank you to everyone on the site xx

Janie53's picture

True to you Tootsgee

June 14, 2012 - 7:24am — Janie53

Wahoooooo!

Layla's picture

You bet your life it makes sense!

June 13, 2012 - 8:10pm — Layla

Hooray for you! You're putting the pieces together, and this my dear, is true progress! Allowing the experience with the PD is a symptom of a deeper seeded unresolved issue for most of us, if not ALL of us here.

My original "N" is my mother. She D&D'd me eight years ago. It has ALL been so clear to me now, having worked through family of origin issues.

Stay the course, know that old hurts and emotional baggage will be coming to the surface. Head them all strait on in courage and strength, and a great big smile because you got it girl!!! It's clicking for you!!!

: )

love~ Layla

goldie's picture

Absolutely, by George, I thing you've GOT IT!!!

June 13, 2012 - 4:57pm — goldie

Great job and insight into your patterns of avoidance and looks like you are now ready to look at your core issue's .

You can do this and you may have your difficult days, yet, once you do the work on YOU, you will not have to face this same pain again.

This is a blessing for you that you no longer have your diversions to hide behind, it's just you and the truth now and it looks like you now have the courage to look at what brought you here in the first place.

GREAT JOB!!!

God bless,
Goldie

Deidre99's picture

Yes! That's what it's really

June 13, 2012 - 2:35pm — Deidre99

Yes! That's what it's really about.

For many of us, the narc(s) in our romantic lives, were nothing more than catalysts for change. Symptoms of a much deeper pervasive long lasting problem.

For me, I grew up with an abuser, who told me I was all kinds of horrible things. I was a good kid, so I always found myself jumping through more and more hoops to gain approval. But, never did.

Grew into adulthood, and here I am. Having dating a few narcs since childhood, I decided to take an inventory after this last ordeal (last year, I've been NC for a little over a year now) and get to the heart of it all.

You are on your way to really REALLY turning the corner with your recovery.

It's important to understand narcissism, so we can let go of a toxic person. But, it's important to understand the role we played in the relationship with these people. It takes two to tango. It takes two for abuse to thrive in a relationship. Getting to why we permit it, why we stay, why we tolerate sub standard behavior...is the ultimate key to our freedom.

I'm really happy for you! I'm sorry to hear about your dad, and I'm praying you find some closure and peace with all this.

Janie53's picture

Deidre

June 13, 2012 - 3:09pm — Janie53

Nicely said, Deidre. Almost the same story applies to me. I now understand how my psychopath was the catalyst for looking deep into myself and my history and I am truly free!

Stay true, we all deserve this!
xoxoxo

Janie

tootsgee's picture

thank you Deidre its strange

June 13, 2012 - 2:45pm — tootsgee

thank you Deidre its strange as it seems so clear today ... whereas before it has been hidden..... I too suffered at the hands of an abuser in the form of my step dad which I seem to have dealt with on some levels but my dad stuff seems not to have been dealt with at all...

for the first time in my adult life I am not hiding and I am facing it all.... like you did I have done an audit and am determined to do the work and heal so that I have a chance to find strong and healthy relationships.

thank you for your reply - it was such a relief as today I think I feel worse than i ever did over the narc.... but that said I realise it is part of a bigger and more true healing so I dont feel afraid of the hurt i feel.

xx

Rising Dawn's picture

I can relate

June 13, 2012 - 4:33pm — Rising Dawn

As I have been working on myself (7 weeks NC, but have been in therapy for quite a bit), I have unearthed a lot of issues that stem from my distant relationship with my father; hence my attraction and desire for approval from unavailable men. I am about your age and feeling the same - finally getting to the "bare" me. It's a disconcerting feeling, but it's the beginning of something good.

You should feel consoled that you are moving on and embracing self change, unlike the N who will forever live in his unreality and fantasy. He's never change or experience growth like a real human being.