TRUE NC attempt # ??

TRUE NC attempt # ??
Posted June 13, 2012 - 10:27am
0

Ok. I want this one to stick. I really do. I have failed so many times. I have done a lot of work on myself-
I have done the steps
I have done a group (the current group is full)
I have had a few one on one's with Goldie (I am saving for another one)
I am in therapy (I was even hospitalized)
I am on anti-depressants

But nothing seems to work. I do not know why I am so resistant. Why this is so hard for me. I attempt this over and over only to end up back where I started.

PLEASE- if anybody has any more advice, anything I can do to make sure I stay the course, help me if you can!!

To add insult to injury- when I went to block him on Facebook, I saw that he had already blocked ME! Why does that upset me so??

‹ Can Use Some Encouragement My ex tricked me,,,,,,,,, ›
onwithmylife's picture

needshelp

June 13, 2012 - 5:40pm — onwithmylife

i want to restate what others have said, you must do the homework, read all the books, different websites, they are other good one in addition to this site, and make sure you have a good therapist who really understands what personality disorders are and how to treat you, YOU can do it and maintain no contact totally, to heal yourself.It took me several years but I did it and so can you..remember they will never, ever change and do you really want a man who mistreats you????????????No man is with that, wrap that around your mind.

Janie53's picture

Needshelp

June 13, 2012 - 5:31pm — Janie53

I just re-read your post and I see that you have done many things to try to move forward. One thing I noticed you didn't mention was reading and learning about the disorder. I really found it was really helpful to completely learn about and thus accept this disorder, before I could effectively change the course of my work onto myself.

You are determinded and you will succeed! Even if you stumble, you’re still moving forward.
Stay true to you!

Janie

bluegirl's picture

Concerning reading and

June 13, 2012 - 11:25pm — bluegirl

Concerning reading and learning about the disorder: I did nothing BUT that for about a month. I had so many narcissism sites bookmarked that I finally felt it was doing more harm than good. I was obsessing, but in a different way. So I pretty much stick to this forum for my venting and ramblings, and started looking for websites with uplifting messages. Sometimes it was something like wimp.com for funny or inspirational videos.

I use Stumble! and I love it. You fill in your interests, and you hit the Stumble button and it takes you to websites, some of which are useless and some of which are great!

Janie53's picture

Bluegirl

June 14, 2012 - 7:38am — Janie53

I understand what you are saying but I believe that one needs to fully understand the disorder and accept it before moving forward. This journey isn't about the narcissist we became involved with. It is about us and what led us to abusive relationships. I believe it is crucial to reveal all of this or we will just end up in yet another caustic relationship.

I read endlessly for over a year and have a full library now. Start where I did and download Lisa's books. I would be happy to recommend some of my favorite books if you are interested.

You are right, it is painful and probably the hardest work I have ever done, but the benefits are surely worth it!

Stay true to you!
Janie

Janie53's picture

Needshelp

June 13, 2012 - 5:18pm — Janie53

I agree whole heartedly with all the advice you have recieved thus far. I feel we do become addicted to these bastards and the reason one forms an addiction is to avoid pain. Our relationships with the narcs serve to further bury and repress issues we are trying to avoid. It is imperative to break the addiction and feel the pain so you can get to the bottom of why you are in such an unhealthy relationship.

The more we repress and bury our pain, the more the pain will control us. Feeling is healing, it hurts like hell but we have to do it.

Please do this for you, go NC, cry, hurt, yell, scream but it will pass. Allow yourself this chance to begin to heal and learn about yourself. What you resist, will persist! Embrace these difficult feelings, and know they will bring to a much brighter place.

Be true to you! You won't regret it!
Janie

goldie's picture

I am posting my reply again from your last post

June 13, 2012 - 4:25pm — goldie

With one additional comment. We do NOT JUST DO THE STEPS; WE live them!!! You have to do the work, the assignments and while you are doing all of this, you DO NOT CONTINUE TO ENGAGE WITH HIM.......

The advice is ALWAYS going to be the same, there is NO NEW ADVICE.

STOP TALKING WITH AND ENGAGING WITH THIS PIECE OF CRAP. HE IS NOT NOT NOT NOT NOT THE ONE FOR YOU.

There are a varity of things going on here.

This sounds like PTSD for one, you allow a situation to transpire where you feel fear, and then you become almost paralyzed to do anything about it.

To say that you are afraid to block him and yet the alternative of having him torment you seems better, is definately OLD STUFF buried within you.

Also on some level you must be addicted to the adrenaline rush which is caused by his insane and obvious manipulation of you.

The highs and lows this drama creates in you must be addictive to you on some level. Certainly takes you away from your mundane daily life and propels you into a life of continuous intruque and grasping for that ever elusive carrot.

What's going to happen next? Maybe he will change and LOVE ME like a "normal" person if ONLY I can figure this out and fix it somehow.

This has become an addicton for you on a physical, mental, and emotional level.

THE ONLY way to break this pattern and to end the cycle of abuse is for YOU to go COLD TURKEY. Get a restraining order and get this living nightmare OUT OF YOUR LIFE and then do the work on YOU, to get to the bottom of just what is driving you back to the insanity.

The TRUTH of the matter is that this man is a sick twisted crazy person and for whatever reason he has become YOUR DRUG.

And like with any addiction the ONLY solution is NO CONTACT, no dealings whatsoever. If he gets through, YOU HANG UP, if he stalks you; YOU call the police.

This ENDS when YOU end it and not a second sooner. HE GETS OFF on this cat and mouse game because he is a sick twisted fuck. HE is NOT going to end it, YOU NEED TO DO THIS.

Of course he has OW, he always did, anyone this sick in the head is going to be playing the same mind games with many. HE LIES, HELLO, you cannot believe a single word that comes out of his mouth. He is a preditor and you are his prey. It is NOT anymore complicated then that.

He is NOT your lover, NOT your friend, NOT your husband, NOT your bf, HE IS NOTHING to you aside from your abuser and tormenter. PERIOD.

There is NOTHING loving, spiritual, real, gentle, or meaningful here. This is simply a crazy man who get OFF on pushing your buttons.

This guy is human waste, I have known this for a LONG time, NOW YOU , need to know and believe this and do something about ending it NOW.

This type of thing NEVER EVER has a happy ending, just more of the same and in most cases WORSE behaviors.

I have ONE MORE spot left in the Support Group beginning on MONDAY, JUNE 11, why don't you join and get the support you need in ending this ONCE AND FOR ALL.

You are in my heart and prayers, I remember your story well and have been hoping you would come back and get the help you need.

God bless,
Goldie

READ THIS EVERYTIME YOU GET TEMPTED TO TALK WITH THIS CRAZY STALKER.

Needshelp's picture

Point taken, Goldie. Thank

June 14, 2012 - 12:17pm — Needshelp

Point taken, Goldie. Thank you. This time I will LIVE the steps.

LindsayM's picture

I was there once too....

June 13, 2012 - 2:40pm — LindsayM

Gosh I know how you feel believe me believe me believe me and I am saying this from the bottom of my heart.... It hurts,it hurts,it hurts. I cried, I cried,I cried I couldn't let go I didn't want to but eventually for whatever reason I wish I could explain it I finally saw the light like a lightbulb went off in my head again I wish I could explain it and finally realized you know what Lindsay he isn't worth it anymore.... All this agony, all this crying all this suffering all this peeking at his facebook ( yep I did that to) is not worth it you must,must let him go and I finally did..... Today I am better and I finally see him for what he's worth and I finally see clearly and everything in the past is exactly what is was the past and as that new song goes he is someone I used to know..... I promise,promise,promise you will get there just like I did and it is a tough,tough road and there are many bumps but you have to keep chugging along and keep that spirit alive and keep that smile going and not dwell on the past and let him go and realize is someone you used to know and start focusing you and hang out with friends or rent some dvds, eat a tub of ice cream enjoy life!

Hunter's picture

Great responses!!

June 13, 2012 - 11:01am — Hunter

Great responses!!

Used's picture

needshelp

June 13, 2012 - 10:43am — Used

You are Useing him as a DISTRACTION To avoid ADDRESSING YOUR OWN PROBLEMS AND ISSUE....
YOU HAVE YET TO FIGHT YOUR DEMONS OF WHAT MAKES YOU LIKE THIS......
As for f/b....He got in first, as he always has and always will do.....B/C HE DOESNT CARE AT ALL........HE HOLDS ALL THE CARDS....

spinning's picture

Used, this is brilliant...

June 13, 2012 - 10:49am — spinning

and in a nutshell, needshelp.

Please re-read this (and Deidre's response) as many times as necessary for it to really sink in.

The more you engage with this negative, negative force in your life the less you focus on your own issues, your marriage, whatever it is you are trying to avoid.

The problem with this is you have much to lose and you risk much by not forcing yourself to just stop it one minute at a time.

That's how you do no contact. One minute at a time.

You have to want to be healthy and happy more than you want to be twisted up in drama and darkness. Only you can make that choice.

Love,
(not) spinning. IT'S A CHOICE AND I CHOOSE ME

Deidre99's picture

When you stop seeking

June 13, 2012 - 10:38am — Deidre99

When you stop seeking validation and approval from him, and men perhaps, in general (as I have in the past)...you'll stick with NC.

NC isn't about one particular narc. It's about wanting to change who we are, through NC. It's about wanting to create a new normal for ourselves. It's about looking interally for our self worth, and not outward.

If you still want to break NC, it's because you're still hoping he will validate you in some way. You were hoping to block him on FB, because you still care to hurt him. You still care about him. You still care what he thinks.

No sessions, meds, or anything else will cure this. Unless you figure out what is eating away at you, nothing anyone can tell you here or elsewhere, or any amount of medicatoin, will cure this inside of you.

You have to come to terms with that you still seek validation and your worth through this guy. When you get to the reason behind that...you will heal. Your healing will change course. It will be less arduous of a journey, once you get to the bottom of THAT piece of the puzzle.

But, as long as you still want to 'get' to him in some way, that indicates you are still seeking attention from him. And that indicates that you still seek your validaton and worth from him.

That is what has to change, and once you get there, it will change.

Needshelp's picture

This all makes a lot of sense

June 13, 2012 - 11:11am — Needshelp

This all makes a lot of sense to me. This has been something I have ALWAYS struggled with, just not at this level.

I have been in and out of therapy all my life. The core issue? Pretty much that I am convinced that no one likes me. I KNOW that I can only get validation from myself, but I don't know HOW. How??
I mean, I hardly even know. I am 44 years old, and this is something that I have never had a grasp on...

spinning's picture

Good for you, needs!

June 13, 2012 - 11:24am — spinning

This is a bell ringer!

If possible, get back in therapy for help with this. Talk to Goldie about it on your next session.

I, too, had to grasp this lesson late in life...not doing so almost cost me everything (in fact it cost me my long term relationship and much, much more). I began by looking for things that made me feel good and then focusing on those things. Small, baby steps like going back to yoga and to my Buddhist study group. I started a gratitude journal with the rule that I had to write one thing in it per day...soon it was easy to write many things. I listened to a lot of music and danced around in my kitchen by myself and the movement made me feel good. I forced myself out of my comfort zone and did some things with a "fake it til I make it" attitude and soon enough, I wasn't faking it any more. It starts with small, baby steps. I also listened to (and still do) meditation CDs and positive affirmation CDs.

I hope this helps a little to get the thoughts moving in this direction for you, needs. A therapist and Goldie can help direct you more as well.

I am proud of you for admitting this is what you need to work on. You have to commit to trying whatever it takes to get the job done. One step, one minute at a time.

Love,
(not) spinning. AND IT FEELS GREAT

Deidre99's picture

I have tears in my eyes

June 13, 2012 - 11:18am — Deidre99

I have tears in my eyes reading this, for I have felt this way, too. I think many of us here can attest to these feelings of lack of worth, and seeking it from others. (not just from men, either)

Here is something that has helped me a lot.

Find a hobby that you MUST do alone. Spending time alone...without friends, without men...will help you to get to know yourself. Know your likes. Choose your own day, as opposed to just pleasing others, and following their plans.

Take a pottery or art class
Go for a run
Go for a walk, bike ride, but do it alone
Go to the zoo...alone.
Go to the beach...alone.

Set aside one to two days per week, where you do these activities, completely by yourself. You will discover that you are great. That you have your OWN interests. You have your own life, just waiting to be had. You have a lot you'd like to do, and you don't need to wait for someone's permission to do it.

That's what carving out some alone time will do. It has to be more than sitting at home reading. Or something. It has to be something where you leave your home, and do alone. This way, you won't grow lonely.

In time, you will meet like minded people through your activities. People who like you, just for you. You are not pleasing them, but you met them through something that pleases you.

That's how you start. It really works.

We are here for you, and if you ever need to bounce some ideas around, please feel free to pm me anytime. :) ((hugs))

Deidre99's picture

Just an aside...the above

June 13, 2012 - 11:19am — Deidre99

Just an aside...the above will feel uncomfortable at first...doing things alone. But, in time...you will grow to enjoy your alone time. Your newfound hobbies, and you will grow...

to love YOU. <3

spinning's picture

Brilliant formula, Deidre!

June 13, 2012 - 11:26am — spinning

Outstanding!

The truth and some really great suggestions.

And you're right...it's uncomfortable at first but with practice it becomes natural and soon enough desirable!

It is life-changing.

Love these suggestions. Outstanding!

Love,
(not) spinning. JUST GRINNING...AND WINNING!

Deidre99's picture

(((hugs for you ms

June 13, 2012 - 2:49pm — Deidre99

(((hugs for you ms spinning!!))) you are always so kind and your advice is always so affirming and uplifting. i am grateful you are here with us.

to needshelp...

the reason you should FORCE yourself to spend time alone cultivating new hobbies, etc...is because I think what happened to us all, is that in the need to please others, we turn to toxic men (unbeknownst to us at first) and if he says...''you are wonderful, needshelp!'' then YOU feel wonderful about yourself. when he says...'you suck needshelp, you're a crappy gf.'

then, you believe that too.

when we escape ourselves and look for a guy to tell us who we are...we will believe him most often, when he says the bad things. because somewhere along the way, we heard a lot of bad things about ourselves, maybe in childhood, etc.

so...just wanted to add here why it's important to spend time alone. because you can't escape into another person, when you're alone. you have to learn to enjoy your own company.

and enjoy it you will, when you give it time.

i hope you take these steps and they help you a bit.