Mine would always do something weird in advance of something he knew I was looking forward to. Like clockwork. He would suddenly have to change the oil in the car, or run some errand, just enough busyness and clean-up that he would make us late, or I would be scrambling to get ready for people coming over.
Or if all that failed, he'd decide to tell me about some trip that I hadn't been expecting that was going to cause me stress and to have to reorganize my work to take care of the kids for a week by myself. Even when he set up some fun evening or a birthday dinner or got me a really nice gift, he would do something weird to screw it up and then act like here he'd done such a nice thing and as usual I was such an ungrateful bitch. He was 100% incapable of committing a selfless act; if there was no emotional pay-off for him (either kudos or sympathy) he'd invent some convoluted path to get it. Sam V has an interesting video about narcs as compulsive gift-givers and it sent chills through me. Mine would buy me and our girls really nice presents, but never because he really wanted us to be happy, always so that we would thank him and praise him and be grateful. Unless it is a stepping stone to supply, they cannot/will not let themselves enjoy any aspect of a relationship that involves sharing or being happy for someone else.

when we had guests over and were having a great time, he'd often jump up and start washing dishing or cleaning up . . . he knew some woman would invariably say, 'oh you're so lucky to have a helpful husband!'

When I look back I really did have good times and fun with our kids and with our friends; but I also look back and realize that in terms of our relationship he was a saboteur.

freak?? (teeheehee). Actually, they're all the same. There is nothing unique about a one of them...they truly are not special in the least.

This post is excellent and I hope it inspires others here. This is what happens with no contact. The fog lifts and clarity ensues. Then you are able to see the TRUTH without trying to sift through the haze. It becomes clearer and clearer.

I no longer look at any of the entire six years of hell with Freak Boy as "good" at all. I actually remember no "good times" because it never was that "good." None of it. I have nothing but disdain for the crumbs I mistook for wonderful experiences. I now know it was designed that way...tossing a "crumb" of a "good time" let him off the hook for the rest of the completely unacceptable, inconsistent, chaotic, hot/cold, push/pull, silent treatment, etc. etc. behavior.

I am so glad you are reaching this tipping point. This is huge and will propel you on your path forward. Great things are in store. The more you sweep out the debris from the disordered one, the more room it makes for amazing things to enter your life.

Love,
(not) spinning. AND IT FEELS GREAT