I know we all deal or have dealt with remembering "the good times" with our former azzwipe N's. For me, they were " real" and very much enjoyed, because I am "real". It was those times which kept hope alive that this r/s had a future and that WB would finally stop the push-pull shit.
Now that the fog is lifting, I am comprehending that these moments of bliss were ALWAYS followed or sometimes preceded by unpleasantries. These incidents were either him being extra grumpy, canceling plans, avoiding intimacy,"forgetting" something important, or, breaking up just before an important event or exciting time for me. Always the ultimate "FU".
How many times did we return home after a wonderful day, dinner, etc., feeling very close and looking forward to a romantic evening...and then he would get a case of the shits and spend the night running in and out of the bathroom, asking me too many times if my stomach was ok from the food we ate??? Too many times.
How often did we return late from a great weekend getaway, with me looking forward to spending one more night with him and have him say "would you mind not staying tonight? I really need to get some rest before work tomorrow." Too many times.
How many times was I getting ready to visit friends or relatives to celebrate birthdays, anniversaries, weddings, etc., and have him pull the plug and leave me spinning and unable to really enjoy the occasion? Too many.
The list could go on and on...but I know you get the idea...now the good times don't always seem to have been so good. Now I cannot imagine doing anything in my life that is good or fun, if I knew something
hurtful would be my punishment. Clarity is such a blessing!