feeling stuck in the pain/memories

feeling stuck in the pain/memories
Posted June 12, 2012 - 12:54pm
0

I've been having such a hard time lately and feel that this forum is always the best place to turn. Last D & D was 2 months ago now...I've been NC and N has not tried to contact me (he never has..this would show weakness and he must always be in control)...I know I'm having a hard time moving on because I got sucked back in with the lies of how much he loved me and wanted to work it out...until BOOM, I started holding him accountable and he igored/silent treatment, with no final talk or this is over...just nothing...was I not even worth a goodbye? Why do I feel like the only one who has never been hoovered because he could care less? I don't want a hoover because I want to be with him again...I just want some of my dignity back so that I can be the one to say FU!! He has always been the one to reject me and I would like that opportunity...I know that keeps me stuck, but I think this was his way of having control even in the end...he knew how much I hated silent treatment...I also know that he is dating other women and "has happily moved on" according to a friend...this also stabs me in the heart because I am still walking around feeling like I've been hit by a mack truck...I want to let all this go, but it is so hard to realize you meant/mean nothing to someone who had you believe they did for 2 years and wanted to marry you...I seem to only remember the good, which was really good, and I'm afraid I will never get over him because of this...has anyone ever felt so desparate to move on, but just can't seem to shake the good memories and the cruelty of the end? How do I get to indifference and turn the focus on myself?

‹ 1 of many crazy statements made by my exN Anexity Overload ›
spinning's picture

Dearest DLB, re-read your post and then

June 12, 2012 - 1:45pm — spinning

ask yourself what is "good" about any of it?

From what I read here all you are missing is poor treatment and then being ignored by someone. What is so "good" about that? Trust me when I say that all the so-called "good times" you may recall aren't remotely enough to compensate for the REALITY of what you experienced with this "person," and that reality is what you describe above. You must try to focus on that reality so that your EMOTIONS don't get mixed up with the FACTS. When I first came on board here that was some of the best advice I ever received. It was also suggested that to help me keep the FACTS in the forefront, I write two lists. One of the "good" he brought into my life and another of the bad. The "good" list had four things on it. The bad list grew to four pages long. My hand was flying across the page and the truth was right in front of me.

Dearest DLB, please don't get so hung up on who rejects whom. With these freaks it is NOT PERSONAL and you must not take it that way. Also, please re-frame your thinking because with No Contact YOU ARE REJECTING HIM and anything to do with him; you are not chasing after more abuse and you are not groveling at his feet. As far as he knows, he is non-existent to you so please try to look at it that way because that is the REALITY of No Contact. No Contact = F' You.

DLB, you are working on becoming a person WHO DOES NOT LONG FOR BEING LIED TO, MANIPULATED, TREATED POORLY AND IGNORED. There is nothing desirable or attractive about any of those things and you can reject them minute by minute as they do not serve you.

Remember, it's not personal with these freaks. All you did was hold him accountable...that's an excellent, strong thing and you should feel good about that, not badly. The D & D is designed to make you feel that way but in reality, once the mask is off and you're onto them they bolt. It's not personal. It's all about supply.

I hope this helps some. Here is a blog from Lisa that may help you too.

http://www.lisaescott.com/2010/07/30/we-cannot-delete-our-memories-0

Keep striving, DLB. Trust in the process. Trust yourself that you can feel the feelings and then let them go. Know that it truly does get better.

Love,
(not) spinning. AND IT FEELS GREAT

Brit's picture

conmen

June 12, 2012 - 1:38pm — Brit

Don't look back

These men are master manipulators and conmen. They get into our hearts and minds with promises of this and that and then cannot deliver. The nice memories are all illusion spun for you to fall for his charms. The real man up and leaves without a backward glance, caring not one jot about us.

Their hearts are cold and black, they care only for themselves and getting supply. When they feel exposed and are not getting from us what they feel entitled to, they run.

When all said and done, we are better off without them. It is hard to realize that the man we thought we loved didn't exist. He showed you what he was, not a good man at all. As time goes on you will feel better without his toxic abuse and be able to feel free and happier than you have done for a long time. Promise.

It is a painful period, but abuse is abuse and now that it is over you can and will heal. The abuse is soul destroying, but you can and will recover, it just takes time. The effects of two years abuse isn't going to go away overnight.

Stay strong and focused on your getting better a little bit at a time.

Brit x

hopeful_9215's picture

I know the feeling!!

June 12, 2012 - 1:07pm — hopeful_9215

I have been going through the same thing!!! The crulety at the end....omg that's the worst!! I hope you don't have a child with him, because that makes it so hard to move on. I have a child with my exn, and I have to say I am getting through day by day with no contact. I feel stuck too!! It really is a day by day process, last couple of days I wasn't so good, today I am good. I know that if I keep reading on the disorder, it helps. You and I both need to realize they have no empathy for anyone....they are not normal, and I am starting to realize that. It just takes so much time....wish there was a switch for this stuff!!

Hope you feel better today.....you are not alone! (hugs)

Layla's picture

Congnitive Dissonance

June 12, 2012 - 1:13pm — Layla

"has anyone ever felt so desparate to move on, but just can't seem to shake the good memories and the cruelty of the end?"

You are suffering from "cognitive dissonance" and this is what happens when you are involved in an abusive relationship. In fact, this ONLY happens when you are breaking free of an abusive relationship.

Three things will help you break free= No Contact+Education of PDs+TIME = INDIFFERENCE.

Thoughts and memories will haunt you for quite awhile so get busy doing other things and living life. "Time" takes care of a lot of it.

When you start having conflicting feelings about who he is let me remind you:

When you are remembering him "fondly", those were the times he was wearing his MASK, when you remember the "bad times" that was when he was NOT acting and showing you his TRUE SELF.

love~ Layla

losing the battle's picture

I had come such a long way

June 12, 2012 - 4:19pm — losing the battle

Whilst what you're saying makes perfect sense, Layla, tonight for the first time I find myself crying as I ask "why did all those happy times have to be lies?"

Before now I have been more of a realist. I cried for the betrayal with OW, I cried for the lost dreams... and then I got so much better. I was angry about the constant lying, then indifferent when I saw him and decided he's just boring as hell. That was empowering.

But now I seem to have become a child who's pleading for santa to be real. Its like I've just accepted it was all (ALL of it) an illusion and the grief starts again.

Frustrated and mad at myself.

Two steps forward and ten back.

LindsayM's picture

Memories will pop-up....

June 12, 2012 - 10:39pm — LindsayM

I have never seen that article before so thank you for linking it.... Anyways memories will pop-up I have had random memories here and there mostly good ones ( blah) never the bad ( how does that happen?) I have actually been dreaming about my ex lately ( blah) and it probably has to do fourth of July ( That's when we first had our date) and it's probably a trigger and hence the dreaming... Memories will pop-up and sometimes you might cry but try not to let it heed your daily life either.... I know we all wish we could get rid of those memories for good but we simply cannot... Photos,mementos,etc we can but memories in our minds we just can't.

Bluefox30's picture

I am feeling quite similar

June 13, 2012 - 2:51pm — Bluefox30

I am feeling quite similar myself at the moment...He was the one to end it despite pleading when he got me back before that he wanted no other woman, he wanted marriage and babies with me. Being with me became too much when I would question things and hold him to account...i know that knowing him he is filling up other women's inboxes, looking at porn and probably pleading with his exs for another chance...yet my mind just keeps replaying the times when we had lovely evenings together, meals out, nice texts etc..and I keep thinking did I drive the man away? Trying to remind myself of the anxiety, the lies and blantant manipulations that I would feel x

bluegirl's picture

I still get caught up in

June 13, 2012 - 10:24pm — bluegirl

I still get caught up in memories too. I am dealing with two at once, basically. Ex-N and ex-husband, who has his own cruelty issues. Of course, I'm not really dealing with the ex-N, just the aftermath. In addition I have to move, my unemployment has been cut off, and my darn pet died. Sometimes it is just all too much.

All I can do is know that I loved with all my heart. The part of the relationships that were real were still real to ME, and I learned from them. I wish I hadn't had to learn in this particular manner, but I have to believe that every bad thing in life has its purpose.