Guilt is a very heavy cross to carry. I know this to be true.

I think you might feel guilty because you were married, while you dated the narc. As you say, you made a mistake with this guy, and now, you just need to trudge forward to work on your marriage, if in fact you wish to keep it.

I think that's what a lot of this is about. Ending a volatile relationship with a narc is hard enough, but compounding it with the fact that you are married, (I think) is what's causing you to 'hate yourself.'

Don't hate yourself. This will not be painful forever. You learned and you will grow. If you want your marriage, I hope it works out, and brings you happiness.

I am sorry to hear that you went through this. But forgive yourself, you are worth so much more than all of this drama.

I read what Goldie said and totally agree with her. If you can do the support group, the one on one with Goldie will help you greatly.

At first when I started this journey, I didn't think it would take me long to recover, at least not a year or two like the mods have stated. But as I continue on my road towards healing I see now why they say that (even my counseler tells me that). It takes some deep inner work to heal the wounds of the narc and the issues from our past that lets us settle for this illusion of love.

Don't percieve it as a bad thing, but rather look at it as a journey of wholeness and self-discovery. You are worth that and more. You are a beautiful soul worthy of a good life and loving relationships.

Go NC, you wonderful lady, love yourself. You can win this battle inside yourself, the answers are within you. At first I didn't know how to start, but with each step I take I am being to be set free.

NC is a must, there are no shortcuts or an easier way out of this. I've been on the forum since December, and have seem many woman return. My counseler and Goldie both told me unless the work is done, we are most likely to repeat this type of relationship with other men or go back to the narc.

I know you desire to be set free from this, or you would not be on this forum. Chose yourself today, you are not crazy, it is a addiction and you can break free. We are here to support.

hugs
xoxo
ff

This sounds like PTSD for one, you allow a situation to transpire where you feel fear, and then you become almost paralyzed to do anything about it.

To say that you are afraid to block him and yet the alternative of having him torment you seems better, is definately OLD STUFF buried within you.

Also on some level you must be addicted to the adrenaline rush which is caused by his insane and obvious manipulation of you.

The highs and lows this drama creates in you must be addictive to you on some level. Certainly takes you away from your mundane daily life and propels you into a life of continuous intruque and grasping for that ever elusive carrot.

What's going to happen next? Maybe he will change and LOVE ME like a "normal" person if ONLY I can figure this out and fix it somehow.

This has become an addicton for you on a physical, mental, and emotional level.

THE ONLY way to break this pattern and to end the cycle of abuse is for YOU to go COLD TURKEY. Get a restraining order and get this living nightmare OUT OF YOUR LIFE and then do the work on YOU, to get to the bottom of just what is driving you back to the insanity.

The TRUTH of the matter is that this man is a sick twisted crazy person and for whatever reason he has become YOUR DRUG.

And like with any addiction the ONLY solution is NO CONTACT, no dealings whatsoever. If he gets through, YOU HANG UP, if he stalks you; YOU call the police.

This ENDS when YOU end it and not a second sooner. HE GETS OFF on this cat and mouse game because he is a sick twisted fuck. HE is NOT going to end it, YOU NEED TO DO THIS.

Of course he has OW, he always did, anyone this sick in the head is going to be playing the same mind games with many. HE LIES, HELLO, you cannot believe a single word that comes out of his mouth. He is a preditor and you are his prey. It is NOT anymore complicated then that.

He is NOT your lover, NOT your friend, NOT your husband, NOT your bf, HE IS NOTHING to you aside from your abuser and tormenter. PERIOD.

There is NOTHING loving, spiritual, real, gentle, or meaningful here. This is simply a crazy man who get OFF on pushing your buttons.

This guy is human waste, I have known this for a LONG time, NOW YOU , need to know and believe this and do something about ending it NOW.

This type of thing NEVER EVER has a happy ending, just more of the same and in most cases WORSE behaviors.

I have ONE MORE spot left in the Support Group beginning on MONDAY, JUNE 11, why don't you join and get the support you need in ending this ONCE AND FOR ALL.

You are in my heart and prayers, I remember your story well and have been hoping you would come back and get the help you need.

God bless,
Goldie

I hope you learned!!!!!

The only way to begin "getting your life back" as you stated is to erase them comepletely from your life!!!!!

And I hope you dont take my next statement the wrong way BUT.....not blocking him because he "still gets thru" or because "you are afraid" are just excuses!!!!! Being in contact or allowing him to be able to contact you IS CAUSING YOU PAIN!!!!!! YOU KNOW IT...I KNOW IT.....EVERYONE HERE KNOWS IT!!!!!

You state that you hate yourself.....So do something about it Needshelp!!!!!!

You are on this site for a reason....for a while youve been part of this.....Its time for you to put the victim away and start DOING!!!!!

I want to see you succeed...I want to see you push passed this nightmare of your life.....and you know what to do...

Block this bastard....phone, emails, fb, everywhere!!!!!

Take control and LOVE YOURSELF AGAIN!!!!!!

NO EXCUSES!!!!

XOXO