Waking Up To What He Is

I want so bad to believe that his complex actions and manipulations are a cry to be authentically helped. What happens when you try your best and you cry, scream, beg, go to therapy and talk all night…but in a strange way, None of it made a damn difference. It took a long time for me to see the cycle. As a woman with my own insecurities, hurts, past abuse and issues…How am I able to see this isn’t normal anymore? The day you wake up and realize you are going in circles and the narcissist got away with his dirty deed yet again! As I lay here in the midst of months of research…looking up thousands of sites didn’t quite take off the denial yet. Only til I sit back and remember things and go back to the beginning and sort out all the details of what the hell happened to me, that I was hooked by lies.

Part One…( My fragile self esteem)
This is the part that made it so easy for the narcissist to seduce and catch me. I was a fragile soul healing from being abandoned by my first husband (also a narcissist but I didn’t realize it til recently) I had tried to take my own life after being tortured and abandoned. I lost everything after he left me and I had to stay with my aunt (which didn’t really want me there) So what was my solice? My next husband would happen to live across the street. With no one there for me and me looking for a way out and not be a burden It was easy for me to be convinced.

Part Two…( The Narc’s Seduction and Sob Story)
I came over to use the phone one day because I was locked out of my aunt’s house. Instantly he seemed to be very attracted to me, telling me I was beautiful and talked of love at first sight. This made me a little weary but he was very sweet and non- threatening to me. Within an hour I was hooked bc I had never received so much affirmation, attention, and understanding about my quirks by a man before. He owned his own house, he supported himself, had wonderful dog and it was the type of home environment I dreamed of since I was a child (as a child being beaten, raped, ignored and neglected until I was kicked out in the tenth grade) He had also had a story about how his father beat his mother, and they introduced him to meth at 12, and a compilation of ladies that have abandoned him, they were crazy, or etc. As an empath, I hurt for him and wanted to be the best gf he ever had. I wanted his abandonment issues to disappear. He was 6 years clean and sober from meth and alcohol. And a family of drug addicts I had, I seemed to be impressed by his willpower to stay clean. So things started fast he drew me in and within a week I was coming over everyday. Within a few months, I moved in. He propose rather quickly, but I accepted as long as we had a long engagement.

Part Three…(Signs I ignored during Engagement.)
We were engaged for a year bc I told him I wanted to wait. He seemed to respect that. During this time a compilation of strange things happened that I didn’t think was nessesarily right, but I was used to being let down my whole life. And he seemed to have very valid reasons or excuses or sob stories. I was used to going into denial as a child so it carried on into adulthood. I wanted the idea of the big wedding, being comfortable for the first time in my life, The home, the pets, the whole nine yards and if I put up with just alittle crap it would be worth it to have the stuff I never had in my life. He started to listen to my calls ( it was bc “he worried about me” then slowly everytime I hung with a friend “they were trying to tear us apart” At the time I thought it was sweet that he cared so much. I never had anyone protective before. Or intense. Its slowelt turned in me ditching my friends and being home all the time or doing what he wanted to do.

Part Four…( I Married Him Anyway)
Literally the night of our wedding is when it all completely changed. I had fallen ill the night before while we was at his mothers staying the night. I woke up the next day with a dreadful feeling. I woke early bc I even had to cook the food for our wedding bc he was so cheap. After that I put on my 20 dollar wedding gown (it was still pretty) that he insisted that he paid too much for. And did my own updo and makeup and etc and drove to the wedding. As I walked down the aisle I was shaking my dad had to hold me up…but I married him anyway. I thought I was just jittery or nervous. I should of ran out and never came back! Literally our wedding night I was ill and throwing up at the reception, We finally get to our room that night and with no empathy made me have sex with him anyway. At first I refused bc I was ill and he guilt tripped me uptil I gave in. He spent the night in a crappy 40 dollar motel room. Then next day I suffered a massive anxiety attack when I came home and I took my medication…I woke up and my panties were down and I was bent over couch and I was very upset. He apparently likes to “do things while I am helpless”. So during the next year I was completely surprised with all the new things he came up with. But huge projects without my permission, his new was of guilt tripping me, raping me on a few occasions, his new found boundry issues, telling me when to go to sleep and get up, being treated like a dog or a ten year old, control issues, sex addiction, gambling, and an array of issues I now have to face that seemed to magically appear.

Part Five…( taking Up For Myself)
This is the fun part…I am now one to his crap, manipulations, attempts to destroy me in therapy, gaslighting, control, anything this creep tries to dish out. I am now realizing that NO AMOUNT OF YELLING, CRYING, THERAPY, LEAVING, Or ATTEMPTS TO PLEAS WITH HIM ARE EVER GONNA WORK!!! In his mind, he is always right…How dare you have issues, emotions, and concerns? !!! His sob stories no longer work, I as emotionally detached from him, He periodically tried to convince me he is changing and I should be “proud of him”. His attempts to try to manipulate me into thinking I am crazy is no longer working. I realized his sick way of trying to distort my reality. No reason is ever good enough to want to “ abandon him” I “must of never loved him” if it was so easy for me to leave…etc. His attempts to use me as a stringed puppet is becoming less powerful. I am starting to resist his control and take up for myself and going places even when he says no. This causes him to freak out more bc its all about him and CONTROL. They want you to believe their world and how perfect they are, they cannot admit their fault. If you call it out you are wrong and he reports back to La La Land!!! The land where u are to deal with everything he dreams up to make you do. If you challenge him get ready for guilt trips and attempts to chip at your self esteem, and reasons why you are a bad wife. After all you’re the crazy one yelling at him for “no reason” Go ahead and ignore me, I don’t want your distorted reality anymore. I am closer to stepping out the door. I was a piece of plastic in his world to admire his make believe traits and abilities. We are not responsible for his actions and his LA La Land! Its hard to leave a narcissist because you cant just leave…You have to ESCAPE!!! The sad truth…trying to Escape but he totally discounted at the same time LOL. I cannot let his dream world distort my reality.