I have a grown son (24) who more and more seems to be emulating his NF. It’s breaking my heart to see this all unfolding (been going on since his late teens). My son considers his NF his “best friend,” even though he sees how very few people can even stand being around him and most think is a total ass. I see how my son is being manipulated by my EXNH although, of course, my son doesn’t see this at all. NF controls all the decisions/choices our son makes. At 24, he should be considered a man, but he seems to be so cautious about doing anything to disappoint his dad (although he isn’t concerned at all about disappointing me), that he is like his father’s puppet. And I see how my son is becoming more and more passive, that I wonder if he actually has his own thoughts and dreams, or whether he is just waiting to see what his dad wants him to do next. It makes me sick to my stomach. The few times I tried delicately to talk to my son about all of this, I can see that he just thinks I’m being a bitter ex-wife, who’s just out to bash his dad. So I don’t say anything any more, yet it is tearing me up inside and now causing bitterness towards my son. I think to myself... "Are you and IDIOT?" "Can't you see what's going on here???"
He’s a good kid (he really still is a kid). He’s in college (was in the Air Force for 4 years, so started late), doesn’t do drugs, and has a great girlfriend. He has so much potential. While he was in the Air Force and away from home for 4 years, I could seen that he was doing better; had become more independent, and generally just living his life on his own. He is not blatantly disrespectful to me, but he makes pretty much no effort to have a relationship with me. If I don’t make the effort to contact him, contact doesn’t happen. I don’t know if this has to do with his dad using him as a pawn to alienate him from me and the rest of my family or what. I see this as just another situation where a man wants me to accept his crumbs, which I am SO DONE with. Even if it’s my own son. I have been able to forgive myself for falling for 2 narcs, but the only thing I truly never wanted to screw up was raising my child. It just bites.
The reason I stayed in my marriage as long as I did is because I thought I was doing the right thing for my son. I now realize that was the very WORST thing I could have done. I’m not crying over spilt milk at this point, but I’m curious if any of you have had to deal with this situation. He is my only child. I now realize that even once you have healed from a Narc, sadly, he often leaves a legacy.