jennifer's story

From Naive 16 yr old to wising up and leaving at 45

OK, here is my story. I was a totally naive 16 yr old empath, feel right into his lap. My parents were alcoholics, my Dad a cold and distant N. He seemed so different, not afraid to show his feelings, loving and caring, touchy and hugging all the time, everything a love starved teenager craved. I was married to him and pregnant by 20. We have 5 children, and I was so focused on the children, giving them the kind of childhood I never got to enjoy, that I compromised and gave in, walked on eggshells so the family home would be harmonous. Things weren't really that bad the first 15 yrs or so, because I was so obliging, gave him tons of admiration and adulation, totally unaware of my conditioning. The most difficult thing from that period was just having to listen to him go on and on about how his job sucked, his co workers sucked, he never wanted 5 kids, he is depressed, his stomach hurts, everyone has an easy life but him, etc. You get the picture, and foolishly as tiring as it was to me, I bought into it and felt sorry for him! I never asked for help with the kids or around the house because he had it so hard! so fast forward, our youngest is 7 and our oldest a senior in high school. He has been going on and on about how I dont make enough, don't work enough hours, all our finacial problems are my fault, blah, blah, blah. So, I decide to go back to school, he says no at first, but with the support of friends and his sister I stand up to him for the first time and insist on going. The D&D really started about this time, blaming me for our debt, even though I had NOTHING and he had sports cars, kayaks, bike, countless toys, etc. I went to school, very difficult with a family, was proud of myself, and naively thought now I will finally get the respect he never gave me, I'm making almost as much as him now, I'm contributing! No such luck! He would go on about how he sacrificed so much for me to go to school, now its my turn to buy stuff for him and let him "have it easy". I had paid tution on my credit card, which I paid back when I graduated. We have 4 girls and a boy. The older girls are really the ones who helped, they helped me study, the made dinners, helped take care of our little one, drove the younger ones to after school activities, etc. He did very little, and was very nasty when he did have to help out, which conditioned the kids to not ask for his help, exactly what he wanted. My first year working I matched his income. He made me buy the new furnance. I had always wanted a dishwasher. 5 kids and 20 yrs of marriage, couple sports cars, but never the money for a dishwasher. No, thats stupid he said, we need other things first. We were working at paying off the credit cards, I was really proud I was able to help, I worked tons of overtime, I had a 3 yr plan. Then one day my check bounced at the grocery store, so I opened the bank statement when it came, he was taking money out as I was putting it in! He never paid more than the minimim payment on the credit cards, and he was still charging on them!!! All my hard work, time away from the kids, long hours, and we were further in debt!!!! When I confronted him he tried to blow it off, what do I know about the bills? When I kept pushing he pushed back, literally, and left for the night. That theft was the biggest slap in the face to me. He was basically saying I wasn't worth the money I made, he felt entitled to it. It went downhill from there. My eyes were open now, I saw everytime he was dishonest and I called him on it. He REALLY didnt like that! We fought alot, he said I was a cold bitch. Finally we went to marriage counselling at his insistance, he wanted someone else to tell me how messed up I was. He quit after 4 sessions but I kept going. My therapist lent me books, I researched, bought Sam Vakins book and watched his videos. Discovered this blog. Now my eyes were really opened. All the things I felt but couldn't articulate, finally some validation that it was him not me!! Such power in knowlege! I remember reading on a blog the way a N makes the women look crazy because he gets her upset and remains calm around people, saving the nastiness for when they are alone. I saw myself in that, and I didn't bite his bait anymore. I saw through his manipulations and calmly refused whatever he was after. I lost more and more respect for him. Sometimes I couldn't stand to listen to him go on and on, esp if he had an audience. He started to disgust me, and believe me, my feelings weren't lost on him! He saw he lost the admiration and adulation. To him, along with money and toys, that was his biggest prize, someone telling him how great he was all the time. He got more and more nasty trying to regain control and I kept reading and going to my therapist and got stronger and stronger, so it was an inevitable showdown....finally one evening he threatened my life, we didn't speak (expect about the impending divorce) for 6 months, and then I moved out. He was so arrogant, he thought I was bluffing, he was shocked when the moving van actually pulled up! He was even more shocked 4 weeks later when he was served with papers! Fortunately the older kids have moved out before all this (it's been 6 months) but our youngest is 16 and he puts her in the middle alot. That is my biggest regret and guilt. My plan was to stick it out til she graduated but he got so abusive. Also, we work together, and it has been a challenge! He has been so nasty about the divorce process and it is only starting! That part seems overwhelming at times, he knows I am an easy going compliant person and he is trying to bully me through his lawyer. But I will not back down. He doesn't want me to get anything. I have to stand up to him, set an example to my girls. I also need to do it for my own healing. He has stolen so much from me, I will not allow him to do it again. I don't have alot of money, and everything extra goes to my lawyer, but it's the principal.