Pardon the rambling, but here are a few things that I have been giving much thought to.
1. When I first came to this forum and read the blogs and posts, I thought how "Lucky" I was to I have had, comparison wise, a "subtle" N. Wanna Be and I started off slowly. It was not love at first sight. It progressed slowly and normally. He was , for the most part during the 7 years respectful, never criticized me, always complimented me (but never over the top), called when he said he would, was always on time, always answered my calls and did many random acts of kindness. There was never any perverted sex and he was attentive to my needs. Yes , he said some crazy ass stuff, but it never had anyrthing to do personally with me. He never blamed me for anything and we really did not argue. BUT then, out of left field would be this "distancing" , followed by wallowing in his sorrowful life, and then the "I need to take a break and get my shit together. It's not you, it's me. Please be patient with me". I was always NC during these breaks, made myself nuts wondering WTF happened..and then sometime between 3 weeks to 13 months later, he would call. Same story. He had gone for therapy, was doing better and would I consider giving him another chance. Yes, you know the drill. Well I went back 7 times in 7 years. The final D&D came fast and furiously in Feb. There is no going back this time,especially since I know he IS disordered.
2. Was I "lucky" that he was so subtle and that I was "only" emotionally abused? Or was I "unlucky" because he didn't physically abuse, verbally or sexually abuse me. Truthfully, if he had EVER hit me once, called me a foul or disrespectful name or wanted me to do something I was not ok with
EVEN one time, I would have been out without looking back...and would not be needing this forum support. (for those of you who have been physically,verbally,sexually abused, I am not being disrespectful, I just have a deep intolerance towards these behaviors-so I hope no one is offended in my attempt to explain this.)
3. Now I realize how much work I need to do on myself for putting up with the emotional abuse. What I have come to realize is that regardless of emotional abuse, physical abuse, mental abuse, verbal abuse or sexual abuse,...it is ALL ABUSE and should NEVER be tolerated. For whatever reason, I was "comfortable" with emotional abuse. In attempting to reason with myself and accept that WB is disordered and can never change, I must look at it as if it were one of the abuses that I would never tolerate. I have to now equate the emotional abuse with being as intolerable as physical or verbal abuse, and accept that, as with the other abuses, if he did it once, he"ll do it again and again and again. I must break away for good and never look back. Wanna B is an abuser. I will no longer allow it and will never tolerate it again.
Thanks for listening.