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Proof
Reason2Believe
Member since:
1 year 4 weeks
1 year 4 weeks
Last activity:
39 weeks 1 day
39 weeks 1 day
Proof
Posted June 7, 2012 - 4:45pm
that these bastards can mirror or become whatever they think you want them to be. Wanna B's mother, who has been very kind and supportive of me over the past 7 years, was devastated when he broke up with me. Not only did he lie to her, but it turns out he " robbed" her of nearly $30,000.00 over the past 9 years. She has confided quite a bit to me and I have chosen to remain close to her. Unfortunately, I did not tell her that the condition was that she does not speak of WB to me.
Anyway, she called me this week to tell me that WB brought down NGF. Although I knew better to let her continue,curiousity got the best of me.
Well,complete opposite of me AND everything he always professed to dislike in a woman!
She is 8 years younger than he is. I am 2 years older.
She is 3 inches taller and much larger than he is. I am 3 inches shorter and much smaller.
She has long hair. I have short hair.
She has very high pitched voice and cackel laugh. My voice and laugh are deeper.
She only eats hamburgers,pizza and fries and chicken nuggets. I eat almost everything!
She does not drink. I enjoy a social drink,but never get drunk.
She talks "stupid" ( N's mother's words) . I am very bright and educated.
So here's the real proof that he is able to mirror her. She owns a small horse farm. He HATES horses,especially when they are on the roadway being ridden. He now has dozens of pictures on his phone of her horses. He HATES outdoor work, but told his mother he was trying to help her on the farm.(never once did he ever help me rake my f'n leaves because he couldn't risk injuring his musician hands!) Plus he has very bad allergies and likes to stay indoors. He told his mother that neither of them drink. What bullshit! He and I always had wine or beer or mixed drinks on the weekends. He always loved going out to eat and trying new foods. Now he is content to feast on hamburgers,pizza,fries and chicken nuggets!
Oh, did I tell you she got a big divorce settlement? Could that be the sudden ability to love life on the farm? Oh, and she is an old NS..he dated her 12 years ago before she got married. Seems he dated her after a 7 year r/s. Ironically, he just ended 7 years with me! You can't make this crap up!
BTW, I have since had a chat with WB's mother and told her we are not to discuss ANYTHING about WB, or I will have to discontinue contact. She has agreed.
Reason
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We are not certified mental health professionals and this site and message board is in no way a replacement for professional therapy, legal or medical advice.
That's still her son. And she
June 8, 2012 - 7:47am — Deidre99That's still her son. And she will choose him over you any day of the week. I'd sever that tie, personally.
You don't need her in your life. And she WILL keep talking about the new gf, despite you asking her not to.
The new gf doesn't matter one iota. I won't even go there. Who cares who he's with? You wouldn't even know about it...unless? His mother didn't bring it up.
I'd sever that tie. Don't have to say anything to her, but I would just take less and less of her calls. Return less and less.
She's his mom, and that's just not a friendship worth having, because of her intimate tie to her son/narc.
Take my advice for what it's worth. Being close to his mom will not bring you to healing...in fact, it might thwart it.
Thank you
June 8, 2012 - 10:03am — Reason2BelieveI think, too, letting it go is best. Unfortunately I knew about NGF even before she did, from snooping on FB. This is of course, before I knew the importance of NC. I admit that I was curious to confirm she was the one. I don't give a shit about her or the next 10 he winds up with. I am sure they'll all meet up here one day. And, the longer he has supply, the longer til he tries to come back to me. Horse woman hadn't seen him in 12 years and went back. Yikes! N's have no shame!
Reason
so true, they have no shame!
June 8, 2012 - 10:22am — Deidre99so true, they have no shame! lol
i just gave you that advice, because truly, being friends with his mother is just not going to help you. she will 'slip' no doubt, and it will be just reliving the nightmare over and over. even if we are healed...i don't want to hang out with someone who is that close to my narc. and frankly, she most likely helped to create the nightmare he became, sorry to say.
now he's bilking her out of money. hmmm. oh well. not that i have no empathy for her. but, often times, narcs become the way they are due to the parenting they had. whether that was abusive, or too much permissiveness, or mommy was his best friend, or too overprotective, etc. whatever it was, the parenting was dysfunctional, and that is what caused the person to develop a personality disorder. it's usually developed in order to cope with their upbringing. not necessarily an abusive one, she sounds nice enough. i don't believe you'd be pals with someone who is a jerk.
but, again. that's her son, and push comes to shove, she'll take his side.
i'd just lessen the ties to her, til eventually there are none. just my opinion.
good luck reason! :)
D99
June 9, 2012 - 1:44pm — Reason2BelieveThank you for your comments. I am sure his childhood had everything to do with his disorder. His father was raging alcoholic and Mom probably did all possible to make life as safe and easy for her only child. She stayed in marriage and both endured the abuse. She is now an invalid and neglected by the son she catered to.
I did the same for my children( dad emotionally absent) but, I did what I thought was best, at the time. Admittedly, my 31 yr old son strikes me as having an N personality and it haunts me. I don't think many parents intentionally want to fuck up their kids, but try and raise them with the skills, or lack of, that they possess. Hindsight is 20/20 .
Bottom line, I will look out for my well being and start to detach.
Reason
that's true, hindsight is
June 9, 2012 - 2:06pm — Deidre99that's true, hindsight is 20/20, but if his dad say, was abusive, he might deem his mom as 'doing nothing' to protect him.
and therefore, he has no feelings for her, and ignores her.
i am not saying it's right. but, i'm a mom, and i think we really have to be real with how we raise our kids. if you want healthy, well adjusted kids who will grow up to be have a healthy productive life...then, you need to foster a homelife like that. if you allow abuse, either directly or indirectly, you're not doing all you can as a parent to protect your kid. not saying that happened here, but i have a feeling, he blames his mom for not leaving his dad.
probably why he 'takes his anger' out now on all unsuspecting females in romantic relationships.
thus, a narc was born.
just my hunch, and not saying i don't have empathy for his mom. but, something went wrong there. i don't believe narcs are born that way, i believe their childhoods rendered them that way...
D99
June 9, 2012 - 2:39pm — Reason2BelieveI know he had wished his mom did not stay. He was never physically abused by the father, but suffered the embarrassment and anxiety of never knowing when the old man was going to come home loaded and spoil the day, night or holiday. Guess that is why he likes to shit on all happy times and holidays.
From my other post on what we tolerate, it very may have been that WB's mom felt that as long as they were not being physically abused, there was no reason t o jeapordize their financial security. I can relate to this in raising my own children. Their dad was emotionally absent, but I did not realize at the time that this neglect, was also abusive. I clearly over compensated for his " absence", never dreaming that it may be harmful to my children. As previously stated, I did what I thought was best for all of us, given my knowledge and situation at the time. I'm sure WB mom did the same. I think when presented with certain circumstances, you chose to survive instead of thrive.
Unfortunately, the kids also wind up with scars of dysfunction.
Thankfully with knowledge and clarity, the cycle can be broken. It's a shame, as so many lives have been rendered damaged.
Reason
Yes, no family or childhood
June 9, 2012 - 3:06pm — Deidre99Yes, no family or childhood is perfect.
Thing is, how a kid processes things though, is far different than how we do. And in childhood, is when a narc (and all of us) form our core personalities. NPD doesn't 'strike' when someone hits adulthood. He was this way as a coping mechanism as a child. Probably preteen, as our core personalities are formed by then. We can pick up different traits from peers as we grow up...but, who we are and how we handle crisis, and people in general--THAT is formed in childhood.
Unfortunately, narcissists don't forgive. Don't have empathy. So, while it's true, his mom did 'the best she could'...he doesn't want to forgive her. He feels entitled to turning his back on her.
It's a sad story.
Regardless, you should sever the tie with her. She's his mom, and at the end of the day, you are not blood...and she will take his side any day of the week. Over you.
And she will bring him up again. Her bringing up so much detail to you about the OW, shows me, she's not as innocent and naive as you want to believe she is. Sorry, just how I see it.
If someone I know has been trampled on by a guy, I don't sit there and share every minute detail about the new chick he might be sleeping with. But, I digress. lol
Yes, I've become a bit cynical and untrusting as a result of my experiences, but I just don't buy that people who bring up new lovers to the jilted lovers, have no earthly idea of what they're doing.
Fruit doesn't fall far from the tree, in narc-ville. ;)
Ironic,
June 9, 2012 - 6:29pm — Reason2BelieveIsn't it, I started this post to bring home the proof that N's can change to fit the person or opportunity, never realizing the impact that WB's mother has had on the situation!
I must say, though, had I not realized that he was so disordered, and found out about the NGF, my head would be spinning- wondering how in the world he could go not only so quickly to another r/ s, but to such an opposite extreme. The horse situation would have made no sense whatsoever- he really professed to hating horses and people who rode them! LOL! Now it makes perfect sense, knowing he is an N.
Live and learn,
Reason
Thank you Reason to believe
June 8, 2012 - 2:54am — bipolarbuttonYou sound as angry as me , which I'd prefer over sadness and hurt any day !! Been there done that , Its a good thing they don't deserve anyone sad over their fake existence ! !
<3Button
Yep , Same boat
June 7, 2012 - 6:12pm — bipolarbuttonI also told my mother-in-law not to talk about him to me. I knew she was calling when he wasn't there ( he lives with her now)& every time she'd call I'd get sick & my heart would pound, never answered though.. Finally I called her devastated because he had just made sure I was aware of what he was doing through his sister who lives with me.. I just told her I don't care about the OW or your son & if you care about me or your grand children you'll keep that shit to yourself, she kept giving me tid bits and I kept telling her STOP . She likes to give me information , because she too is a narc and I know this.. Since I have decided not to talk to her at all.
The thing I thought reading of yours telling you this is , sounds like my mother-in-law!! I've been in the picture for 11years and though she still tries to convince me that she is a "good" person I see through it ! And you should too , GOOD people don't call to gossip to the ex of their son's whom was there for 7years, she would have respected your wishes if she were decent ! Its SICK !!
I wouldn't put to much thought into his "taste" in women , they don't have a taste ,anything warm with a void or something they want will do ! He probably just convinced you , you were his taste during the good times !
Although I must say I find it amusing how well they mirror or think they mirror haha.. In the beginning of our split Dickhead D would say , " I'll leave it in god's hands" or " I'll pray for you or uh something " <--that slipped ,, I'd say you'll pray for me LOL??!?!?!
Not to be offensive or bash anyone's beliefs but I don't believe in god and for the 11 years we were together , neither did he ! He even took it as far as arguing with his family for years on his point of view and telling them how wrong they were!! And after 1 week of being with someone else now there's a GOD , WOW !This blew me away ... Though I pushed his buttons on the subject he wouldn't fight me on it because he knew I knew why haha... I use to think he was smart about everything he did, now I know I was giving him WAY WAY to much correct.. I think the relationship really starts to crumble when they know your on to them...
So yes they have many different masks!!
<3button
Bipolar button
June 7, 2012 - 6:54pm — Reason2BelieveThank you for your response. I have NC with all who have anything to do with WB, with the exception of one mutual friend couple, who do respect my boundaries,and for the moment, WB's mother. When I had my chat with her yesterday regarding no more info about her son,she sounded quite sorry about our conversation of a few days ago. I admit,that I did not ask her to stop while she was telling me about the NGF- and I knew better. So, I will give her one more chance, but any slip and I am NC with her as well.
Sometimes I wonder if I am more upset about losing the "dream" or giving up some nice friends in order to protect myself from more pain.
He is a fat,bloated tick and I f'kng HATE him.
Reason
reason2believe
June 8, 2012 - 5:06am — UsedShe shouldnt have bought him in to the conversation anyhow, regardless of you saying you didnt stop her....
If this was me[only saying]I would cut off all contact with her...
You are prolonging your PAIN by interacting with her, and your list as to what g/f looks like/sounds like makes me sad for you to even want to know about her....
YOU WILL NEVER MOVE ON UNLESS YOU ARE TOTALLY FREE OF ANYBODY TO DO WITH HIM.....X
Used
June 8, 2012 - 5:50am — Reason2BelieveThank you for your reply and support. The point I was actually trying to make with my post, is how true it is that the N's can morph into anything they want to.. I am in no way threatened or feel badly about what the NGF looks like. I am 55 , attractive,intelligent,fun, in great physical shape and do not feel in any way inferior to anyone. In fact, I find it amusing just imagining him with a woman so much larger than he is, considering how image aware he is. The horse thing is also a kicker, knowing how much he hates horses and most animals in general. ( because yo need to care for animals and that takes time and attention away from him- my adorable puppy was even starting to piss him off at the end)
Anyway, I will give some serious thought to the situation with WB's mom.
Reason
reason2believe
June 8, 2012 - 6:07am — UsedI am in no way threatened or feel badly about what the NGF looks like....
LOL, I didnt mean about that I ment who cares what she looks like, as for him morphing into someone else, well they have to dont they? cos they have no self.....
If exn mentioned a singer/actress he like, and I said no I am not keen on them....
A WEEK LATER HE WAS NOT KEEN ON THEM....IDIOTS, EACH AND EVERYONE OF THEM....
My Guess.. WB's mommy is the
June 7, 2012 - 5:11pm — HunterMy Guess..
WB's mommy is the problem...
keep Reading.. she's a narc too and using you to triagulate ... pay very close attention ....
Hunter
Thank you,
June 7, 2012 - 5:37pm — Reason2BelieveHunter. I will continue to read and learn about this bizarre disorder. Nothing would surprise me right now. If I have to ditch her, I will. I really can't take any chances with my emotions or sanity right now.
At th moment, I am dealing with several major changes in my life and am always on verge of tears. Problem is, I am never sure which source is causing me the majority of pain at any given moment, so I'm not even sure how happy or sad I am about the WB demise! I have been raising my granddaughter since she is 3 months old. She is now almost 8 and will be moving out of my house with her dad,my son, next week. He was just married this past weekend to a wonderful young day who also has a beautiful little girl. I am thrilled for all of them, but my heart is breaking because of my granddaughter leaving. They are not moving far, so I will see them often. Also, this change will make me an empty nester and Iwill be living alone for the first time in my entire life. Coupled with the WB 7 years, I' m damn near ready to implode!
I am so thankful for your advice and sharing.
Reason
Ugh....
June 7, 2012 - 6:49pm — chele007I am so sorry that his mother told you those things. I realize you didn't tell her not to....and of course when it's presented to you on a silver platter sometimes curiousity gets the best of us. For me...curiousity....or needing the damn truth...finding it...seeing it...KILLED ME. I can feel the anxiety in my chest thinking about that horrible place I was. It's disgusting.
I guess what was worse was when I didn't just leave it alone...nope....I called and said I saw your truck here, and I know you are with her etc....I'd start out strong, and then end up sobbing...begging him to reconsider me. RECONSIDER ME??????????
You know what...he is doing everything he hates....eventually, the mask will slowly come off, and he will grow bitter and angry about it. Hopefully he eats so much fast food that...meh...nevermind.
Hang in there! I know for me...I have ZERO to do with his family, friends...(while we were together...nor his new and improved..hahaha) former co-workers etc. This is for me. Although I feel confident that NOT having this monster in my world is what is BEST, and will BE...I do NOT want to hinder any progress by hearing, or talking about what they may have heard, seen, or thought. Those kinds of things are a set back for me. I am finally to the place where when I see his face....i don't feel sad..and wonder how he could just this, and that....I feel nothing FOR him. I love it. Now, we just have to keep moving FORWARD!! Take care!
And I just have to ask
June 7, 2012 - 6:51pm — chele007WHY would she tell you those things? I get that she has buddied up with you, and cares about you...and knows that he's a dick....but if she is also aware of your struggle to move forward...heck even to wake up everyday...I guess her desire to tell you these things bugs me.
He's full of horseshit
June 7, 2012 - 7:23pm — Reason2Believeis what she thinks . We have had such a good relationship and, and, as I said, was so upset when and how he ended things. She tells me she does not know what the hell happened to him and that she was so thrilled when we got together. He had finally found a "great" woman( red flag when mom and ALL friends tell you how relieved they are that he has finally stopped dating troubled,trashy women and how great you are for him-RUN FAST)
She says that they have had some shouting conversations and has no clue when he is lying or telling the truth. Called him a Jeckle-Hyde. Then told me about the $$ he stole. That made me SICK. She asked if he owes me $$ . No, he was always good about that....EXCEPT...I recall that in Dec., I began to take my pocketbook with me into the bedroom if I went to bed before him. Reason being, I thought on several occasions that I might have been missing small amounts of cash. I can' t say for sure and do know I am paranoid because of several years of having my son's crazy ex steal from me. Anyway, my gut must have been telling me to be careful.
She is very confused about his new "fascination" with horses and the outdoors. Neither one of us has ever been able to get him to lift a finger when it comes to outdoor work or even spending time outside. Next thing you know he'll be roping cattle! LOL. Hmmmmm maybe he'll fall off his high horse and break his f'n head.
But enough about him...I need to concentrate on me,right??? This is all so unreal.
Reason
reason2believe
June 8, 2012 - 5:10am — UsedNo matter what his MOTHER says about her SON.....he will always always be her SON.....and please dont ever be fooled into thinking anything diffrent......
You are
June 8, 2012 - 5:53am — Reason2Believecorrect. I have a grown son who is not always in my good graces, but he is still my son. Good point!
Reason