orangechewit's story

How to end it

Apologies for the long ramble that sets the context. What I am really trying to do is ask- is my gut feeling that he is a narc right? If so, how do I end it with NC? Just go silent or tell him I am about to go silent? Should I try to explain or just do it?

Here is my story...

I first saw him (I will call him LLF) at a party about 3 years ago. He was there with a group of friends, chatting and laughing with them. I noticed him because he was not dressed like the rest, he was in velvet and ruffles, like a 60s rock star, they were in jeans. He noticed me, I was aware of that, but we never spoke until much later, nearly a year later. I spent the evening chatting to his friend, the friend took my number and eventually called me. We dated a couple of times but nothing came of it. Or so I thought.

I began to find my path crossing with the group of friends that were surrounding LLF more frequently. Sometimes he was there, others he was not. I had a mad month’s fling with one of the men in the group. We were out one evening and LFF was there too. LFF took a moment to ask me “why are you with X? He is so boring”. I knew the subtext was “why are you not with me?” and from that moment I was hooked. I like to wear good clothes, I wear designer stuff and some of my items stand out. My boots stood out that night and he commented on them. Every time we met after that he made a point of checking out my footwear. I knew this would happen and made a point of wearing beautiful shoes or boots if there was a chance we might run into each other.

For the next few months, we would occasionally run into each other, always in public places and always surrounded by his friendship group of mostly women (nearly all exes of his). One of these women began to work where I work and we started to share lifts. She was an ex and told me a lot about him and his reputation, I never let on that I was hooked whilst we had these conversations. She told me of a woman that he had been linked to for over 17 years and of another, for 20+ years on and off. She said that no-one really knew what was going on with the former but that he openly said that she was insufficiently “eye candy” for him to ever consider as his girlfriend.
So, to cut to the chase.

Finally, one evening last September, he corners me in the bar that they all drink in. He asked me if I was single, I said I was, he said he was too and would I like to come back to his... I responded that I knew about the two women my friend had told me of and he replied that the former was just a friend and the latter he had ended with six months earlier. I was still hooked, I agreed to go back to his house on the condition that he told no-one of what we were doing.

We sneaked out of the pub separately and met up in the street and walked to his. I was walking on air- finally, I had got him, if only for the night, but I had got what I wanted. His house was a revelation, it was like a museum, lit by candles, beautiful china on a 18 century dresser, every room was a near perfect replica of an 18th century room (the house is Victorian though, and not Georgian and has the most breathtaking views of our city). I could hardly believe this, I had never come across a home like it and he was clearly very proud of it. Within minutes of getting there a male friend called me and asked where I was and had I gone home with LFF because the women in the group seemed to know that I had. (It turned out that he had told one of them that he had “pulled” me despite his promise to keep it quiet and he still denies telling her anything to this day).

He put on soft music, classical, he knows his Mendelssohn from his Haydn. We kissed and I fell in lust. It was intense and we ended up in bed. He was full of words to describe how happy he was that I was finally in his arms- he was speaking what I was thinking. We had a night of passion and then carried on meeting and sleeping together and he asked me to be his girlfriend to which I laughed but agreed (he is 53, I am 49). We met whenever we could and would drink wine, eat and gaze into each others eyes for hours. Sex was intense but quite vanilla from the start, there was some oral sex but mostly it was missionary or doggie style, sometimes 5 or 6 times per session. Gradually the kissing got less frequent and intense and we began to fall asleep at night and have sex only in the morning, but still it was frequent. I only had an orgasm once from his efforts but had orgasms because I would touch myself while we were fucking. This pattern has continued for 9 months. During this time I have paid for us to go away together 4 times. We have had wonderful times when we are away and alone but he always tells me that he cannot afford to contribute, so I pay for him because I want to go away and I want to go with him.

My story now goes from a chronology to a list of things that are disturbing me...

He claims to be a “national socialist”, he is openly racist in views but is polite to individual acquaintances from non white races. He is obsessed by Nazi uniforms and militataria. Wears an iron cross openly in public.
He uses odd and old fashioned words and expressions and knows words that most others would not know or use. He uses them with all kinds of people and delights in explaining what he means when they clearly don’t understand a term he has used.

He says we should marry, I ask “what do you want from marriage?” his answer, “I have never been married before and I want to know what it is like”.

He has no children but is obsessed by fantasies of getting younger women pregnant. He looks at pornography, pregnant women being one of his favourite “themes”. He looks at really nasty porn (I don’t have a problem with porn when it depicts sex and is clearly consensual), bestiality for instance. He told me he was looking for a film he had heard about depicting scenes from Bosnia of women being raped- I said that this was abuse not porn, he changed the subject.

Picks up worms in the road, fawns over animals with food, feeds the birds and buys my cats extra food, but can fly into a rage with them if they slow down or get in his way. Knows the bird calls of most british birds and knows a lot about British wildlife.

Tells stories of sexual exploits that include flogging, double penetration, group sex, whippings, anal sex with more women than I can remember but will only engage (with me) in sex in bed, in the morning where I lie on my side and he fucks vaginally me from behind. He will not allow me to fellate him and I would not even ask for oral sex for myself because he has managed it only twice, in the very early days when he called it “going down”- (usually a sign that they don’t enjoy oral in my opinion!). He groans and tells me that he is filling me with his seed when he comes and then it is over- regardless of where I am in the process.

Has not had a proper job for as long as I can see, since paying off his mortgage 10 years ago. He has done bits of work for his “friend”- woman A, the “friend” of 17 years who has bought a house in France and it appears (from the gossip and conversations around the group) that she bought the house for “them/him”. He has been claiming benefits until the system demanded that he demonstrate he provide evidence of looking for work. His handwriting is Victorian copperplate, with elaborate loops and he only uses sepia ink. He signed off from benefits moaning that it was unfair that they expected him to conform to the rules and saying proudly that they had written him off as unemployable. He has a degree in fine art and is a talented and knowledgeable buildings conservator. When work is offered he refuses it because:
• He would have to walk up a hill/road to get to it
• It is near a busy road which offends his sensitivity
• The client is a “shit”
• It is too cold
• The work is beneath him

He refuses to gain a driving licence yet constantly asks for details of houses to buy in remote places and asks his parents to lend/give him money to buy such places. He also dreams of selling his place and moving to the far South West to do up a house but has no income to pay for such a dream although he does own his home outright.

He drinks daily, at least 10 units or more of wine or beer, often both. In the daytime he will frequent a very nasty pub where he is known as “Lord F” because of his way of speaking and his grandiose ways, he often spends an afternoon there drinking with alcoholics and tells me that they “love” him and buy him all the drinks. He has no money to join in with anything that the friendship group is doing but always has a pint or a bottle of wine in front of him. He smokes weed- his own but hates anyone who smokes tobacco.

His rages come as outbursts against the following:

• Drivers of 4X4s “bastard planet wreckers”
• Runners “fuck off you idiots”
• Women “slags”
• Pregnant women “oh god you are having more horrid brats, this world is full already- you stupid tart”
• Old people “old twats”
• Black people “fucking wogs”
• People in ethnic dress “oh my god they have these fuckers here too”

It goes on....

He is secretive. He tells nasty stories of exes, he is full of envy of friends and slags them off and has nasty nicknames for them all but is happy to spend evenings in the pub with them. He is full of hatred for his parents who sold a beautiful house to downsize to something more manageable because he wanted their house- it was the house where he could be lord of the manor.

He goes to France where he works on woman A’s house, in fact he drove to France with her last month, spent three weeks with her (I am his girlfriend at this time) and then slags her off to me. Tells me that he flew into a rage with her because she was being horrid about me and threatened to throw her off a balcony. He continues to tell me woman A is just a friend. Woman A was an acquaintance of mine before I started to see him, she now hates me and will not look at me or acknowledge my presence.

He arranges to meet woman A behind my back and goes for dinners with her. Tells me it is because of the house that he owes it to her to finish. Actually tells me that he is sweetening her up to make it possible for me and he to go to her house in France without her and have a lovely time. Tells me that if he keeps her sweet she will leave it to him in her will. Admits that property matters more to him than me/anyone.

I have now become properly distrustful of him after an incident a month ago that confirmed the gut feelings that something was not right. We had arranged to meet friends for a walk and lunch but on the day I called to make the arrangements and he told me he was going to woman A’s for dinner so he could not come on the walk and lunch. I was cross as this was not the first time he had changed our arrangement to go for dinner with her. I have asked him to invite her for dinner with US, but he says she wont. Anyway, I had a bit of a rage myself because our plans were spoiled and it put others out and told him to f**k off and gave him an ultimatum- her or me- by text. I heard nothing from him all day until he was at her house- suddenly his facebook status changes from “in a relationship with ME” to “is single” and a sinister photo of a shadow of him was posted. Pathetic really- 50 somethings on facebook- but, he has only an Ipad and no linked computer and he cannot change the relationship status from the application. I knew that he had done it from her house and with her there, but he denies this. I know he does not know how the application works and that the only way he could have done the change was from a PC and because someone suggested it to him. His ipad is one of his only concessions to being in the 21st C (and a mobile phone). He admits that he “dumped me on facebook” to hurt me but refuses to admit that he and woman A were in cahoots whilst using facebook to do this. My personal friends were so horrified by what he did that they have defriended him. Even his sisters were angry.

I now spend nearly all my time when I am not working, with him. I am constantly looking for double meaning in everything he says. I don’t trust him. My 18 year old son thinks he is a waste of space. My old friends cannot stand him. My friends that are part of his group say I have to accept who he is and that he has done this to everyone.

I am in danger of becoming obsessed and I need to break free of him. He is starting to criticize me now, he wavers from being gushingly flattering to crushingly critical. I can seethe D&D happening in front of my eyes. I don’t know if I am over analysing him and he is just a simple “bastard” or if I am dealing with a proper N. I think its the latter and I think its not the first for me,

I am asking what it is about me that attracts these type of men. But I am hanging on because I cant face life alone, my son is about to leave home to go to uni. I will be alone and it all looks so bleak. I am 50, losing my looks and cannot face a life of TV and biscuits. I will need support if I am to get myself back and dump him.