I'm sitting here today, realizing that my grandfather has passed and I cannot even have real emotions or feel the loss, because my mind and heart is so wrapped up into you. I know that I have to say goodbye to you so that I can live again and be me again.
I've been thinking and obsessing on all the things you did and reminding myself of my responsibility in all of this and having to accept that I will never know the truth(s) or what was real or wasn't.
Last night I obsessed about having sex with you in the last recent months and remembering that you smelled clean like you had taken a shower but is was about 10 at night. Remembering that it was strange and that I had even mentioned to you how clean you smelled and you telling me that it was your deodorant. I let it go thinking that you had came to my house straight from work and you didn't have time to shower, but now I can't remember the chronological order of events and now obsessing if you had been with someone else. But do I really want to know the truth? Do I now want to deal with that kind of pain or just let it and accept this relationship for what it was.
I thought last night, how did I not see the signs that you were a Narc? I believe part of the problem was that I took each incident by itself, telling myself that he's just a man and men just do shit. But when you take a look at the whole picture and what has transpired, I can see it all explains itself.
When I look back, I see that
it explains itself why its been two years and you are still not officially divorced, just legally separated.
it explains why even though you say you left the marriage and said you hated her and how evil she was and how miserable she made your life, SHE filed for the divorce.
it explains why through all of your exes, they were always had the problem or issues. You never did anything wrong.
it explains why one of your exes left you a voicemail (which you forwarded to me to show that you were being honest) saying that you were a user and not over your exwife. How could I be a fool for that one? But you twisted the situation to make it look like she was trippin and couldn't get over you, jealous of what we had, and you shared the voicemail to show me your apparent honesty, and I fell for it.
it explains why it took you 8 months to introduce me to your mother (you hadn't even shown her a picture of me) and you lived with her (still do)!
it explains why you really never wanted me to meet your daughters, the rest of your family, or even your friends (even though you blamed me not meeting your friends because of how I felt being in the circle of friends out here in our small community).
it explains why you didn't have anything prepared for my 40th birthday even though we were going to Vegas (my idea and everything was paid dutch). You didn't even buy me a birthday card and my present was late and you bought it sight unseen online. Not only that, you were attached to your cell and facebook that day. And we got into a HUGE fight on our way back. I should have left you then.
it explains why the conversations were always about you or turned back to you. You asked me few questions about my day or what I had going on. It was all about you, your movie, your photo shoots, your commercials, your music videos. And you had no empathy for the situation with me and my dad (the abuse). Somehow you always turned the conversation back to you and your ex and how my father and your ex were alike. I thought that was being empathetic, but I realized about a month ago when I was reliving a beating (my PTSD) when I told you about this horrendous beating your comment to me was that was the reason why you were nervous about your girls being with their mom. What!?!?!? Really, that is all you had to say? No, I'm sorry babe that that happened to you. No sadness, no empathy. I even had to ask YOU for a hug later.
it explains why you are addicted to Facebook. You love the admiration and adoration you get from your fans. They thought you were the great M. The great photographer, the great producer. I remember when we first started dating you told me that people thought you were famous and I laughed. Really??!! I remember really having a problem with your Facebook, the feeling that I got and how it troubled me. There was a reason for that. I even told you in the beginning that I thought that it was a stroke for your ego and how bothered and defensive you got. Haha, it even explains why your ex (wife) had a problem with your facebook. Why didn't I see the signs!!!!
it explains why it was so easy for you to basically move into my house, have me cook you dinner, even lunch, look out for you, take care of you, have sex with you when you wanted it, and give you all of me, yet I wasn't afforded the same thing from you. I thought it was so weird, this closeness, the naturalness of it all, how we were so simpatico, how our bodies fit together, and how you thought it was "perfect".
it explains why I never thought you made love to me. Why it was just sex, no foreplay. You barely kissed me when we had sex. I had to ask you why you never went down on me or played with me, etc. Yes the sex was good and it would last for hours, in the beginning you would want the music playing, the candles lit, and that was romantic, but as far as really making love to me and my body, that was a no go. If only you knew how I really felt about your body and your private parts, and what an adjustment that was to me. I think you did/do suffer from ED. I remember hearing a voicemail left for you that you had on speaker and the pharmicist said your viagra and condoms were ready and I was in the other room, and I thought to myself probably wrong message. Probably was for you.
it explains why in January things started to go downhill. You couldn't take the pressure of me asking you about the divorce, meeting your kids and family, meeting your friends, how we were going to move forward. And finally in March your veneer cracked. You showed me your TRUE colors. We argued about a facebook picture and everything went to hell, and the devil came out. I remember thinking how evil you were. Who was this person standing in front of me? Who was this person who was telling me that I like my father, that he could understand why a man said "F%ck you" to me, how you felt you were handcuffed and on a short leash. I should have left you then. You made me feel like shit, that I was unworthy, I was starting think I was crazy, what did I do wrong? Maybe I WAS too demanding and had too strong of a personality (that's what you told me). You gave me silent treatment, you didn't know if you loved me, you didn't know if you wanted to be with me. You treated me like shit for the next two months, with your texts, your ST, etc. But see I didn't know who you were, partly because I thought you were just being a man, an asshole, a jerk, but now I see that you really have some mental issues. When you put all of this together it all makes sense now.
Anyway, all I can say is that I loved you with all my heart, because that's how I love, and how normal people love. I let you into my heart, my mind, my soul, my life, my house. And you took it, made it ugly, and destroyed all of that. I realize that our whole relationship was a lie. I was in love with the illusion, not you. I take my responsibility in all of this, I should have never gotten involved with you in the first place. I went against my cardinal rule of being with someone who was not divorced or was legally separated. I knew that you would never be mine. But you played the role of the charlatan, reeling me in, you got what you wanted. And now you've discarded me. I was just another one on your list. Who does that after spending a year with someone that you proclaim you love and just walk away without any emotions or feelings? I have a feeling that you already are onto the next one and a matter of fact I think you were already on to the next one when we started arguing, but I will never know the truth and I don't want to know the truth.
I am thankful to God that it was only a year's worth of my time and that I've only seen the dark side of you for the last two months, instead of going through hell for the rest of my life. Like my therapist said sometimes God rips people out of your life for a reason. And he surely did rip you out of my life. You fooled us all. My psychiatrist said that Narcs are like beasts that walk among us and that has stuck with me because you ARE a beast! You are evil, the devil incarnate. It is why one of my exes told me "he is not who you thought he was". He couldn't be more right! So I will try to move on with my life and learn to forgive you, not for you, but for myself. I accept that I will have some bad days, but it will only get better. I have to become the person I once was because you have changed me. You damaged my mind, but I can only pick up the pieces, and get stronger. Become the woman I once was who was strong, beautiful, smart, sexy, has her crap together, instead of this shell that I am. I WILL get it back and I refuse to let you have that power! I AM worthy of so much more, a man who truly loves me, who accepts me as I am, flaws and all, and I am worthy of a healthy relationship and all that God has in store for me.
So I bid you goodbye and good riddance. I don't wish ill will upon you, that's God's job to deal with you. But I do wish you out of my life and out of my mind. I know that I will get a smear campaign, how bad I was, or how I was always tripping about your Facebook, but I realized I really don't care. The people that know me and love me, who know who real me is, will know that Truth. I pray that God gives me peace and closure and I pray for the next person that comes into your life. I pray for you ex and I pray for your daughters.
Take care M...