Ex in the same social circle

Ex in the same social circle
Posted June 2, 2012 - 5:33pm
0

Hi all,

I'm not sure if I'm posting in the right forum or not, so please let me know if this isn't the right place.

How do you deal with a situation in which you'll see your ex-narc in a social setting, and perhaps often? We are ballroom dancers. The night we broke up, he said he wanted to continue to "grow as friends" and wanted us to continue dancing together. (Then he tried to sleep with me, ha. Sigh). The next day, he texted and called and asked if I'd be at a dance that night. I immediately called for NC, and that went fine for 7 weeks (at which point he texted trying to return something of mine--I told him to mail it).

I've been avoiding the dances he goes to, but I would like to go back at some point because I miss the place and the people there. It is a painful situation as he is like a little king there, and his ex is like the queen... I just discovered the term triangulating on this site, and I believe he was doing that with us. She was the ex I could never live up to, the one he talked about constantly and watched while with me.

I can't image dancing with him again. The thought of touching him would upset me so much. I'm so glad to be not with him, but you know how it goes... it is hard to get over these a-holes, and for us the sex was pretty great. :/ I feel like touching him would be so difficult and painful. And even being in the room with him would make me feel anxious and low.

Maybe I just need to keep staying away for awhile?

‹ One year NC for me (technically) "Apology" from a Narcissist ›
no more an echo's picture

so... you danced with the devil

June 3, 2012 - 1:59am — no more an echo

Hi greenbean,

I would also like to welcome you here and glad you found us!

You wrote:

"She was the ex I could never live up to, the one he talked about constantly and watched while with me."

The NarcoPath is adept at keeping us all off balance by constantly creating chaos and drama. That way you are easier to manipulate AND, in the confusion, you are less likely to even see his serious disorder and bad behavior- let alone call him on his crap!

Don't think for a minute that he treated his EX with more respect than he did you, either! And you know that he 'got off' on trying to cause the two of you to be jealous of one another. That just added to his sense of specialness and desirability! It is and will always be ALL about HIM!

Be kind and patient with yourself in your healing. If you don't feel ready to see Mr Narc in a social setting then that's OK. Take care.

greenbean's picture

Ha... "danced with the

June 3, 2012 - 2:31am — greenbean

Ha... "danced with the devil," I love it!

I think so. I'm not usually the jealous type, and I ended up feeling so insecure and jealous and about 2 inches tall, especially when she was around.

So as luck would have it, I ended up seeing him tonight for the first time since we broke up (2 months ago). He immediately plopped down next to me at the dance and started small talk. I somehow was able to keep my cool and just give minimal answers to keep the convo going, and then excused myself before he could ask me to dance. Then I stood up and discovered I was shaking pretty bad. I think I've read on here that others have had that experience, and it's the fight or flight thing? Remembering that helped. I told my first dance partner (someone I know) that I was shaking, and he was really sweet about it. Eventually it wore off and I even had fun! I made sure to avoid him the rest of the night and left first.

Thank god that's over. I've been dreading the first meeting for a long time. It was not easy but it was not the hell I was imagining.

Thanks so much for you kind words.

tootsgee's picture

Hello greenbean .. welcome

June 2, 2012 - 11:53pm — tootsgee

Hello greenbean .. welcome .... ugh! what an ass he is...... I really feel for you ... Im sure in time you will be able to go back fully and it wont matter who is there or what they are doing but for me I found a complete break with groups he was in was best for me... I think though ts easier to find other walking groups than it is to find ballroom groups I guess you have competitions etc that you will all attend. Do the work and the time will come when he no longer matters.... thats what I am hoping for too! good luck xx

greenbean's picture

Hi tootsgee and thanks for

June 3, 2012 - 2:33am — greenbean

Hi tootsgee and thanks for the welcome. :) I hope you are right and I think you are... with time I won't care...

The Narcissists Girlfriend's picture

Hi Greenbean

June 2, 2012 - 9:41pm — The Narcissists...

Welcome to the forum. Sorry in a way to welcome you to the club of all of us who have had a relationship with a Narcssist or psychopath.

I can imagine how hard it is for you to give up an entire social circle...just because of him. But maybe when you are feeling stronger and more indifferent towards his behaviors that might trigger you...perhaps you can find an even BETTER dance partner! (anyone would be better than a Narcissist ;-) except in their own mind!

Yes, these guys love to triangulate...with EX's, new partners, even their mothers!!! pfffft! It hurts, but I guarantee you will build up an immunity to him when you do your reading, take the steps necessary towards understanding that it's HIM with the problems that affected you...and begin to heal. One day you will have your happiness back and be impervious to his shenanigans...one day you won't feel bad at all to see him with anyone...whether they are a beauty queen, dancing queen or an orangatan...once you are able to see his behavior for what it is...manipulative and disordered...and abusive...you will have your perspective and dignity back too....and your confidence. Just hang in there and believe it!

Read all you can and keep writing about your feelings and do all you can to stay NC. But also try to find a way to continue with all the things that give you joy...like dancing...one day KARMA will get him!

...and YOU will be the one dancing away with a big smile on your pretty face!

You are among sisters here...Do some homework, contact the mods for clairification and more support if you need it...we are all here for you!

greenbean's picture

Thanks for the welcome! This

June 3, 2012 - 2:41am — greenbean

Thanks for the welcome! This site has been such a lifesaver. It (and my therapist) has helped me to realize that I'm not the crazy one.

Yes I hope to find a better partner! What's funny is that he's not even that great of a dancer. But of course he doesn't know that. But I have the SCAR on top of my foot to prove it. :D He could never take constructive criticism from me or from instructors... which is how you learn in dance! Towards the end, he got pretty good at giving me passive aggressive "constructive" criticism though... they were pretty thinly veiled attacks after he turned cold on me.

I love the idea of building up an immunity to him. Like he's a virus. Which he kind of is.

Thank you.
xo

no more an echo's picture

constructive criticism

June 4, 2012 - 1:25am — no more an echo

"He could never take constructive criticism from me or from instructors... which is how you learn in dance!"

Isn't that how everything is learned (and improved upon) in life? These Disordered Ones believe, however, that one cannot improve on perfection! Narcs are insufferable, unteachable know-it-alls...

p.s. I'm so happy that you were unflappable in the face of Ex-Narc the other night. Yay for you!