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A Narc's Motive
CeeCee
Member since:
1 year 6 weeks
1 year 6 weeks
Last activity:
29 weeks 6 days
29 weeks 6 days
A Narc's Motive
Posted May 30, 2012 - 4:23pm
When we first meet them and they go through the honeymoon stages of the relationship are they truly planning and setting out to not mean it, as in, faking their feelings initially? I have read the book and others that I have found and they do say that these disordered people are incapable of normal feelings because of their brain disorder..ok so they can't feel normal feelings but when they met us they did like us and for all we know they loved us in a way that they THOUGHT was how love feels, right? What has been really heavy on my mind lately is how we are all so angry *I am referring to those of us who are broken up or have been for quite some time and still carry the anger with us* when we know that they are incapable of normal thought/feelings. Take me for example, I am angry but not bitter but angry YES and yesterday I was embracing my feelings of anger and having a huge pity party and an I wish I could get revenge frame of mind, but then I thought wait...maybe he did not do this with hatred and malice in his heart since he can't feel anything anyway? So why am I angry? It was sort of a light bulb moment, asking "Why am I angry and feeling insecure about myself when this man is not a normally functioning human being?"
Do I get angry that a blind man can't see or a deaf man can't hear?
Has anyone ever looked at the personality disorder in this way or do you all think I am crazy? lol
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We are not certified mental health professionals and this site and message board is in no way a replacement for professional therapy, legal or medical advice.
I know exactly why I am still angry one year out.
May 31, 2012 - 9:49am — LaylaBecause for 8 YEARS I thought it was the alcohol/drugs that "made" him a violent abuser toward me.
Now I am educated and know he did what he did to me ON PURPOSE and no, you don't "get over" that overnight.
Not what HE did, anyway.
love~ Layla
By the way.............
May 30, 2012 - 6:53pm — CeeCeeHas anyone seen that video on Youtube where that couple is talking about the guy, her husband maybe, I haven't watched it, has recovered his Narcissism or something like that?
Not sure what it was called but wondering if anyone knows?
Thank you for the responses.
May 30, 2012 - 6:32pm — CeeCeeThank you for the responses. I truly do understand how it feels, we all do but if the books, Google and doctors say that this is an illness is there the evil intent that it comes across as? Wouldn't it be more like a Psychopath who admits he discards people or hurts us on purpose for a thrill or gets off on sadistic things? Malignant Self Love talks about it. Narcissist vs. Psychopath.
Maybe I am being too *pick and choosey* on the definitions or disorders but like I said, it is what I have been thinking about a lot and wanted to talk about it.
Like all of you, I am only trying to understand and educate myself. I do not want to live a life of pain after going through what I have with this man. I do not want to feel insecure or hurt over someone who either is a Psychopath and is fully aware of his actions and does it on purpose or a Narcissist who is unable to behave like a normal human being.
Maybe if I forgive because he is possibly overcome by an evil mind or whatever then I would not be angry anymore or hurt and maybe I could just look back on this and say "Ah, that's too bad it turned out like that, oh well."
This was my second abusive relationship though my first one was physically violent and for some reason, this Narc relationship hurt way more than that one did.
I wonder if that is possible.
*sigh*
The only reason I feel sorry for
May 31, 2012 - 10:54pm — Reason2BelieveWanna B, is because he has lost me for good. Otherwise, I am angrier than hell at him because:
He lured me back with empty promises, full well knowing he wasn't going to keep them, because:
I really wasn't what he wanted. He was looking for a repeat of his past r/s with barfly, slutty tarts. He meets me, and I am not of that ilk -BUT, I get him attention from friends and family, because he has FINALLY attracted a wonderful, class act woman. He looks great being with me. WOW, look what WB can get-he must have something wonderful to offer someone like her.
But, alas, it is all too much for WB to keep up with. Reason2Believe either ignores his attempts at drama or calls him on his childish behaviors. She's gotta go before she ditches WB. WB tells everyone that she works too much and has too many problems at home and not enough time for him. Oh, too bad WB. Now WB has found his dream girl, a trash talking, slutty barfly. He is again in his comfort zone. But, he will treat her the same way as he did to me, and presumably all of the others. None of us deserve his treatment.
I am angry that WB used members of my family. I am angry WB used my precious granddaughter. I am angry WB has stolen money from his mother and several of her friends. I am angry that WB uses some very nice friends. I am angry that WB is an f'n taker and entitlement seeker.
I am angry that WB thinks we can still be friends. Is he F'N kidding me??????
He can go jump off of an f'n cliff as far as I am concerned.
Reason
There is nothing wrong with
May 30, 2012 - 8:45pm — HunterThere is nothing wrong with feeling sorry for them.. I feel sorry for my Narc..
With that said.. It's also not my problem.. I feel more pity for myself and what he did to me.
Cancer kills.. Was it the cancers fault.. It was just trying to thrive..
WHAT HE DID TO ME IS NOT OK..
Hunter
Pain. Yes. I think some of
May 30, 2012 - 6:37pm — OpheliaPain. Yes. I think some of them are psychopaths. Judging by his sexual tendencies, which we were only just starting to explore, I think he gets off on inflicting pain. I do believe there is a streak of sadism in him. This could be another form of it. That's just dawning on me, that he may be getting off on knowing he's caused me pain. (Except he doesn't know for sure, because I said not a word to him after he gave me that line in that email, I won't give him the satisfaction). That may be part of it, some thrill of knowing the pain he may be causing.
That is why I am so angry. I
May 30, 2012 - 6:09pm — OpheliaThat is why I am so angry. I am certain he knew this about himself, he knew, he knew, he KNEW it and still he proceeded recklessly with me. How many times before had he found "the one" and "finally" fallen in love? Countless, no doubt! He knew it about himself, he knew it, he said it as much after we broke up, that he is incapable of having a healthy relationship, and while w were still together he referred to one of his former girlfriends as one of his "discarded" women! Jeezus H.! Discarded! I had no clue what that meant, I just thought it was an odd turn of phrase. THAT is why I am so angry, because he knew this about himself and proceeded to trash my heart like a bull in a china shop just so he could get off for a few months.
I am working at letting go and getting better, I really am, but then when I yo yo back downward into the depths of despair I find myself getting so effing angry with his selfish recklessness.
The bottom line is the whole
May 30, 2012 - 7:02pm — Janie53The bottom line is the whole thing sucks; everything about it. We have a choice though, we can allow this experience to define us or we can learn from and about it to ensure we will have healthy relationships in our futures. I'm not just referring to lovers, I am referring to all the people who are involved in our lives.
This journey is long and hard as hell with so many bumps along the way but the reward at the end is the absolute best gift you can give yourself!
Stay true to you!
Janie
Ophelia
May 30, 2012 - 6:23pm — onwithmylifeyour post triggered something in me even after 3 years out, the exnarc once told me" he should live by himself and i should find someone else", he knew too and at the time my feelings were hurt as I did not know he had a personality disorder, Damn!!!they use you up, plus the abuse UGH. He also said in a letter to me that he seems to be unable to sustain relationship with a woman, without all the pitfalls entering in", never mentioning himself with any fault of course.....
Ophelia and Onwithmylife, I
May 30, 2012 - 6:47pm — CeeCeeOphelia and Onwithmylife,
I read so many posts from people on here where there Narc admitted that they could not keep relationships etc, I wish mine had at least admitted that. He was too busy saying that other people were the problem and not him to ever admit that he failed or could not handle it. Not once did he admit a single wrong!!! THAT is aggravating to me. Perhaps that is the difference between a Psychopath and a Narcissist? Maybe the Psycho knows but the Narc is clueless.
Sheesh how do they live with themselves and Ophelia, I am so sorry that he said that to you, admitting that he discarded women. Don't you worry, he will get what's coming to him. No doubt!
Ceecee
May 30, 2012 - 7:26pm — onwithmylifemine is in his late 60's living a deranged, hermit life in a tiny town, maybe he is getting his karma in his delusional mind, hope so.....
Onwithmylife, most likely
May 30, 2012 - 7:51pm — CeeCeeOnwithmylife, most likely that is how they all end up. It is pitiful! But it just goes to show you that evil and mean people get what is coming to them.
Ugh indeed. Mine did
May 30, 2012 - 6:32pm — OpheliaUgh indeed. Mine did acknowledge that he was the problem. In a way, it makes me feel better, because it underscores that it really wasn't me at all, but in another way it pisses me off so much because so much pain could have been avoided if he'd exercised a little goddamned restraint. I was walking home from work today thinking that if he ever dares raise his head and manages to get through the barriers I've put up I wouldn't tell him to go to hell, I'd tell him to go BACK to hell where he belongs.
OMG I am so pissed off lately, again. It keeps cycling through, just when I thought I'd dealt. It's been four months NC. I just want my freaking life back.
If a blind man can't see but
May 30, 2012 - 5:08pm — HunterIf a blind man can't see but heard you coming , stuck out his cane to trip you ,you fall on your face and you feel pain.. How would you feel ?
Maybe the blind man is angry that he can't see .. So the others in his path need to feel his pain by hitting their face on the pavement ...
Food for thought!!
Hunter
Angry
May 30, 2012 - 4:47pm — DoubtdispelledI have the same feelings and I have come to the conclusion that I have every right to be angry. He may be unable to empathize and can't control his abusive behavior, but he is cleaver enough to gaslight me, project his negative emotions on me, and attempt to turn people against me with his outrageous lies. He can discard me, leave me heart broken and financially drained and I am supposed to accept this abuse because he is disordered? Anger is a natural, healthy response to N abuse. On some level, excusing the behavior feeds into the continuation of the behavior. It takes alot of thought and planning to gaslight and manipulate, leaving very little energy for anything else. No wonder Ns disappoint and betray. They don't have enough energy left over for anything other than their sick false persona. My anger is helping me understand the abuse and betrayal I have suffered and it is helping me maintain NC so that I can find myself again. I think anger is a healthy, natural reaction to betrayal. For years I excused N abuse because he was abused as a child, he has addiction problems, he doean't really mean it that way, there is something missing in me and I need to be more loving, accepting, etc.etc. At some point, for normal people, logic takes over and we realize we are being abused. Who wouldn't be angry?
Based on the literally HOURS
May 30, 2012 - 4:38pm — uncomfortablynumbBased on the literally HOURS of research, and confirming my personal experience I think how they love is like the following analogy:
I have a smartphone that does a lot of neat functions; so many functions, I have to be playing with it all the time. I LOVE my smartphone for all the ways it keeps me amused. Soon I see my friends with a different kind of smartphone that looks slicker and has more apps.
THen I find out there is an upgrade available. I start seeing my smartphone in a different way, and when something functions outside of what I think a smartphone SHOUD function, I start to devalue it. I start thnking maybe an upgrade or one like my friends' would be better. I quit playing with it as much (or throwing it against the wall) because my phone is starting to piss me off and I am putting my interest in a new one.
When i get sick and tired of how it is not meeting my expectations, I get rid of it and go get the upgraded version. The upgraded version is fundamentally the same product, but for the time being, I think it's the greatest thing since trap door jammies. Then something about it doesn't work right. Luckily, I kept my old one in my junk drawer, so I pull it out and give it a try...it works!
I put it to use until I return to the phone place and find an even BETTER phone (again, same product, different features)...so I discard the original phone again because it no longer serves my purpose.
THroughout the whole cycle, I give NO thought to how the phone feels or what it may need from me in order to function optimally. I'm not particularly attached to any of the phones, so whatever is new and novel is what I want..whatever one meets MY current expectations, and functions on MY terms.
That's how I think narc love works....
Excellent analogy.
May 30, 2012 - 6:30pm — kollontai77The jerk N I knew was addicted to his smartphone, it had Facebook on it, and all his "friends", i.e. supplicants and groupies paying him attention. We were just as disposable as the smartphone he regularly upgraded.... yuck.
Uncomfortablynumb your
May 30, 2012 - 6:22pm — CeeCeeUncomfortablynumb your analogy REALLY HIT ME. That was so sad and that is exactly how it feels. You must be very sensitive and creative person to word it like that, because it really explains the whole nightmare in an easy to understand way.
Thank
May 30, 2012 - 6:31pm — uncomfortablynumbThank you....thankyouverymuch.... :)
So if either of my phones
May 30, 2012 - 4:40pm — uncomfortablynumbSo if either of my phones keeps ringing and ringing and wanting me to pick it up already and play with it, I just turn it on IGNORE until I think of it, or I stumble across it while puttering around the house.