can't get my head on straight today

can't get my head on straight today
Posted May 30, 2012 - 8:30am
0

I am creeped out today over the following:

the fact that he gets to play this game, where Abreva is sick and crazy
how he is getting remarried and all the supply he is getting with that
the audience of people, and family, all there to witness the show
of how great he is, and wonderful
with my beautiful children part of the supporting cast
and how my family member supports him in this farce
how he gets to pretend how great he is
how his life mostly hasn't changed, except i'm not in it.
and everyone fills in the blanks for him

how my little daughter said to me this morning
"see you next week!" like that was NORMAL
how it IS normal for her - to not see her MOTHER for extended periods

I am tired of the drama
it has been a horror show
i am tired of being strong

i am humiliated

i can't get my head straight about it today

‹ a fluffy party vs festering anger. A Good Sign ›
Walkingonsunshine's picture

His production isn't going to

May 30, 2012 - 11:22am — Walkingonsunshine

His production isn't going to make it at the box office. You know that it has no real substance and it's simply that he's good at marketing his show. The show itself is a low budget farse and has no real quality or substance. It's going to fail because there is no true passion or love behind it. Trust that it will fail, all in good time once he looses interest and moves along to work on his next feature.

believe in yourself, and what you are worth. His facade is time limited. Sit back and know in your heart the truth, even if you never get to witness his demise... Trust yourself that you have educated yourself enough to deem him a narcissist and if he is, ( which you and I both know. ) then he will repeat his pattern and self destruct..

remind yourself of the evidence you have that he is an n and you will then know that he can't and won't succeed in love...even if u never get to see it and validate it... It will be happening

no more an echo's picture

you are a woman of dignity

May 30, 2012 - 11:18am — no more an echo

abreva,

Please stop viewing yourself from the perspective of The Disordered One. We Empaths/Co-dependents tend to do that...Let's see this another way. For example, you wrote:

"i am humiliated"

Maybe say instead:

"He is attempting to humiliate me." Isn't that more true? Don't let him take away your power (that is also part of his ILLUSION at work!)

You ARE not humiliated. You are a woman of grace, dignity and beauty. And we let our NarcoPaths VALIDATE (define who we are) for FAR TOO LONG! His BULL CRAP wasn't true in the 'Love Bomb' stage and his BAMBOOZLE is even LESS than true now!

Your job now is to CULTIVATE self-love and self-respect. (Your kids will also benefit from this- watching their mom live in truth of who she is!)

This article was posted by a lovely forum member here and I would like to re-post it:

http://psychopathyawareness.wordpress.com/2012/04/25/instead-of-the-cult...

Claudia Moscovici talks about being 'trauma bonded' to the Psychopath and she says:

"The main thing that can save you from a psychopath–or from any other manipulative person who wants to take over your life–is cultivating a healthy self-esteem."

Your Ex is still manipulating you from afar...And:

"To improve yourself more enduringly, you need to cultivate a healthy perception of who you are and know what you want from life. Dysfunctional lives and relationships often stem from character distortions, such as the ones I’ve described so far, which leave you dependent upon the perceptions of others to gain a sense of self-worth. Those most likely to exploit such neediness or vanity are not those who have your best interests in mind. They’re likely to be individuals who want to use and control you."

Your Ex-P is NOT based in reality so stop acting like his opinions matter. Unfortunately, he thinks that manipulating the kids (disgraceful as it is!) and others is the SAME as TRUTH but remember:

It is he that is DERANGED!

Girlfriend, the TRUTH always wins in the end. You can count on that. Yes, the drama is tiresome now but eventually he will alienate even his own children in the end.

Take care.

abreva's picture

distorted lens

May 30, 2012 - 6:00pm — abreva

You are so right. I am totally viewing myself through his distorted lens. I am railing against the image he has cast me in. I am still defending myself against him, trying to prove that I am not what he says I am. Feeling like any minute I will be dragged into court, and have to defend myself. I have been trapped that way, and traumatized. He says I'm crazy and broken and wrong and a horrible mother and all the rest of it, and he steals my family member away from me because he is jealous and because he can.

i like that article.

I feel like Living a Good Life is still living to prove something to him, to someone, that I am NOT what he says. And that I am not living freely, but in response to his manipulations. I am not free of him yet.

When the neighbor is his professional comrade and I am afraid that I'll be "reported" and that I have to live in response to that and defend my every move.

It's ridiculous. I don't do anything but be a normal human being who takes care of her children, but I feel trapped. It's ugly.

Thank you for your comforting words.

And thank you for helping me bring to the surface that which is troubling and controlling me. I very much want to be free.

I am still living in anticipation of him. I must stop that.

DawnWins's picture

On another forum, I posted my

May 30, 2012 - 10:04am — DawnWins

On another forum, I posted my humiliation and guess what, you should NOT feel humiliated. He is the one who is making himself look like a fool. His mask will slip, soon.

On the mommy side, yes it's hard that they have to spend so much time with the toad, I really get it. I also use the quiet time to reclaim my soul, my life and re energize for when they return.

abreva's picture

post link please

May 30, 2012 - 6:00pm — abreva

i'd like to read that post if you could link to it.

abreva's picture

Thank you Greengirl and Deidre99

May 30, 2012 - 9:46am — abreva

Greengirl and Deidre,

Thank you for responding to me.

I'm suffering and it's nice to not feel alone with it.

Greengirl. Thank you for affirming that just Getting Through It is sometimes what is required and is the best I can do for myself. I am really tired of Getting Through It. I have spent so much time healing and surviving and getting through it. I am impatient. I have made the best of it for so long. I feel like I should be through it by now. But I am not. I will get through it today and for as many days as it takes. I want it to be better. Thanks for the suggestions of how to get through it. I have a to-do list of Getting Through It literally posted on my wall. Mourning this loss today with tears is probably a good idea. I spend too much time suppressing the feelings & holding my breath.

Deidre. You hit the nail on the head. I feel DEFINED by this. I feel cast in a play by a type. I am a type. I don't like it. This has happened to me before in my life - where I was suddenly type-cast into a hated role. I don't want to be this girl. I don't want to live this life. And THIS is not who I am. It isn't even me today. I'm worried about what other people think of me based on the Disordered Man I Married, and my disordered Family Member. And you know what? Most of the people in my life, that I care about, don't think what the Disordered his Posse think about me. It doesn't matter. It bothers me that this posse of people have influence over my children. That my children are subjected to the Posse. I am also bothered that the Disordered Man did this to me, and that I can't be the person I want to be because I'm dealing with the fall-out of the years of abuse, etc.

To whomever might think that I'm whining. I might sound like I'm whining. I'm not whining. I'm describing. I feel sad today - right now. I might move through it and not feel sad later. But right now, I'm SAD and I'm not going to LIE about it. There's nobody to fake it for today. I can mourn.

THANK YOU THANK YOU THANK YOU ladies for reaching out to me.

abreva's picture

Also --

May 30, 2012 - 10:20am — abreva

Also,

He is F-ing with me financially today. And I'm having to deal with that. And I will, via my lawyer.

And, I'm hot over my Family Member betraying me, abandoning me, compromising my children, etc etc etc -- I want to write a F-off email and definitively go NC with Family Member, but I know better than to do that when I'm hot. I've delayed doing anything definitive with Family Member. But it's getting to be time to do something -- NC.

UGH.

It's just a lot of garbage to deal with. Always something.

Deidre99's picture

It's hard, when the narc bs

May 30, 2012 - 10:32am — Deidre99

It's hard, when the narc bs keeps happening.

I wouldn't go off at the family member. Just go NC.

Remember, they don't live with him. They don't know everything. While I'd go NC, I'd try to remember that so many people don't grasp NPD. They find it to be a made up psycho babblish term. lol I have had people tell me as much.

You know truth. That's all that matters.

I would try hard abreva to not live every day, as if you're prepping for a war. I say that to you with love and concern. Your life will never be your own, if you are always waiting to make your next strategic move.

At some point, you have to just LIVE AND BE. I know you're trying, I know he messes with you financially, and otherwise. But, there has to come a point, where you need to almost step out of yourself, and remember that this is who he is, and this is who you are not.

Get the lawyer to handle the money.
Go NC with the family member.

Go get a massage.

No necessarily in that order...hee hee

abreva's picture

I am still at war, by the way.

May 30, 2012 - 8:28pm — abreva

I am still at war, by the way. Over property settlement.
But I do try not to live in daily prep for it, as you said.

Once that is settled, hopefully I can relax.
He will be a newlywed (again). Hopefully he will leave me alone.

Of course, everyone thought he would leave me alone after custody was settled.
That didn't happen.
He got worse. But I had you all in my back pocket, so that made a big difference, and now I rarely hear from him at all. He is mostly silent.

abreva's picture

still need a massage

May 30, 2012 - 6:06pm — abreva

this made me laugh De.

I totally need a massage.

I sent the info to the lawyer. He'll handle it. It's actually something we can take him to court about -- though I doubt we will. I wash my hands of it. I'm LC with exnh-psychopath, so, there's nothing for me to do or say. I do not participate in the game of cat and mouse.

I've never definitively gone NC with the Family Member, and I'm not required to make an announcement about it to FM. I've waited for over a year in order to not make a snap judgement - I've waited to see if FM would do something redemptive, but NO. Just more of the same. More affirmation of who FM is -- mind boggling to me. But FM has always been difficult, always been a drag on me, so I can also feel lighter without FM in my life. Truly.

Deidre99's picture

I totally understand, and you

May 30, 2012 - 10:12am — Deidre99

I totally understand, and you are so not whining! ((hugs))

Remember Christopher Reeve, when he went from this active movie star, to a parapalegic?

He didn't let the accident/his loss of mobility...define him.

In fact, what some might call a tragedy...he took it as an opportunity to reinvent himself.

People who have AIDS, suddenly become advocates for promoting AIDS awareness.

A girl who is raped, may use the tragedy to help others.

It only defines you, if you let it.

It can SHAPE you...it can catapult you into something far greater.

But, this man is not the sum total of your life. You went through a marriage with him, and experienced abuse. You will never ever feel unscathed by it.

But, you don't have to let an abusive marriage define you. It's over.

The fact that you left him, shows...it doesn't define you. You recognize life has more to offer than that nonsense. That in and of itself shows...you don't want abuse and a narc to define you.

What can you do with who you are? Who do you want to be? Why does he still get to keep you from that?

abreva's picture

Christopher Reeve

May 30, 2012 - 6:10pm — abreva

I actually think of Christopher Reeve a lot, because I often feel paralyzed. He handled it so well. So, I look to him as a guide for doing the very best one can do in whatever circumstance.

I DID leave the exnh-psychopath, and that IS defining. I like that part of my character in this play. I like the strength of her.

I can do a lot with who I am. I feel beaten down and trapped some days, maybe a lot of days.

Deidre99's picture

and as it relates to your

May 30, 2012 - 10:20am — Deidre99

and as it relates to your kids.

you remain the beacon of strength and grace you are. they will eventually see through their dad, if not to an extent, already.

divorce sucks. in the best of situations, with a non narc, it sucks. the kids learn 'new normals,' and i know that bothers you.

but, it is what it is.

the alternative would have been to stay under the roof with an abuser. your kids then learn that that's what marriage looks like.

i think that while it's far from ideal, they at least get to have you healthy and whole. not torn apart bit by bit, by an abuser, on a daily basis. so there's victory to be had here.

someday, they will make their own determinations. they will see right from wrong...and who was at fault. not that you want them to loathe their dad, but i know, you wish for them to know the truth. at some point, they will.

and i have a feeling they will see it, in their own experiences with him, nevermind how your ex treated you.
narcs treat everyone like shit, even their kids.

your ex already has demonstrated these behaviors. they will pick it up...and as time goes on...they will realize what kind of person he is. and perhaps therein lies where you feel a sense of guilt. guilt over 'choosing' their dad as a husband.

abreva...we all have been through what you have, albeit in different dosages. we all know how convincing they are. and when we marry, we feel there's no greater proof of love than that. someone asking us to marry him. you had no idea what was in store.

so, try to resolve the guilt. every child has something to grapple with. i know...why do they have to grapple with this? who knows. but, try not to feel guilt over this for them. they love you, and it will only keep you swirling in the past.

it's sad for them, because they can't choose who their dad is. you can at least divorce the guy.

trust in fate. in God, if you believe in God. Trust that you are not alone. Trust that your life is not this. You experienced this, yes. But, don't let it define you...and keep you back from all you want NOW.

Deidre99's picture

Humiliation. That is a very

May 30, 2012 - 9:00am — Deidre99

Humiliation. That is a very harsh thing to feel, and experience, abreva. I'm so sorry you're going through this.

I could say a lot to you here, but think we have said it all.

I will submit though to you...THIS DOESN'T DEFINE YOU, ABREVA. Narcissism and all its nonsense, and drama...DEFINES HIM. But, it doesn't define you. It does not have to define you.

You married a bad guy. He's the father of your kids. But, he doesn't define you. Your choice to marry him and try to make a marriage work, was noble, not a bad thing. The ending of your marriage doesn't define you.

It was something that took place, as a result of his narcissism.

But, again. All this doesn't define you, abreva.

Marriage has a way of defining us, even when it shouldn't. I do believe when two marry, they should become 'one flesh.' But, when one party doesn't take the vows seriously...or can't, because he/she is disordered...then, it is no fault of your own. You did your part.

His orchestrating all this drama...DEFINES HIM.

But, it doesn't have to define you.

You can let it or not. ((hugs))

greengirl91's picture

Hang in there, hang in there,

May 30, 2012 - 8:55am — greengirl91

Hang in there, hang in there, hang in there..

You`re doing all you can right now..sometimes it is okay to just let go for a while, and simply breathe and relax. Or sleep, or cry..or an activity that helps you disconnect from the stress.

I try to experiment in the kitchen, or listen to chill music..and oh, how many nights didn`t I simply slept as in to make it all go away..

Hang in there, stay NC, and do take care of You. And step by step, the rest will follow..with time and patience.

I too have been abandoned by friends, not even talking about family, they were the first, lol! :) But you get used to it..you KNOW in your heart what you know to be true, and there will always be people and "fans" that will simply believe his side of the story. I know how unfair it seems now.

But you will see, that in time even the most fanatic followers will come to see their true colours..it is inevitable, they use everyone.

Take care of you, and be kind to you. Do not expect to heal in a day, what has been broken in years..one day at a time.

x