I just want too add that there ate conflicting ideas about what the label of codependency entails. For example mr v's interpretation I do not agree with although I find him to be a fabulous source for info on narcissists, I don't find the same to be true for codependency. Sam knows how a narcissist or psychopath acts or feels because he is one but remember narcissists have no empathy thus they could have no clue what a codependant thinks or feels. I accept the codependant label but not based on the Sam v explanation. Try to consider other resources for codependency education. You will see that codependency is explained by many different sources and that there is not even a proper definition. I am not codependent by Sams definition but I will accept the label as defined by alternative sources such as by professionals who have the empathy to be able to properly define it. Its not an evil disorder, it's a set of behaviors with a full awareness of them. Awareness is the key in my opinion that draws the line between benign and malignant. In my opion I take responsibility for why I stayed but not for the abuse that was done to me. I'm good with that, and I truly hope that whatever to choose to believe about yourself it leads you on a direction of healing because ultimately that is the goal( to be happy and mentally healthy and never let this happen again)

Wishing you clarity that all your decisions be wise xo

.... and got abused out of the gate, than yes, I'd agree we all have major issues. However, these creeps make us fall in love with wonderful men and then pull the rug out from under us! Now, once the mask is off, and the ugly is revealed, we have a choice to make: stick around (co-dependent) or battle our addiction. I believe the majority of us are here because we are healthy and willing to battle. The people who judge without having gone through this experience simply don't understand - and God willing - won't ever have to. Good luck in your recovery.

I will reply without reading the other posts because just scrolling a bit led me to believe there were varying opinions on this topic and I want to give you an unbiased opinion. I see it as very simple in my own case but I had to access it myself. You are also going to have to access it yourself and you can do it by educating yourself and looking truly at your own self.

In my case, I determined that yes I was severely abused by an individual with a mental illness who did many many many cruel, viscious and unfair things to me. On a mental health scale of being sick he gets a 10/10 ( 5 for having a mental ilness which includes psychosis and sadism and another 5 for the narcissism making him umcureable). He was truly the worst brand of mentally unwell that could exist.

As for me, I'll take a 3/10 for being codependent, add 1 for behaviors from it causing problems from it, subtract 1 for my being on therapy and subtract 1 for the fact that it's curable. I'm only a bit screwed up where he is out to lunch. Do you get my point? I get therapy to deal with my score not his. I can't fix him, I can only fix me.

I stayed, I tried to stop his abuse by trying to control it. Healthy people do simply leave and that is a reality and fact and I deal with this by simply accepting that it is what it is and that fixing it will make my life better and make me less vulnerable to such situations.

I highly recommend that you read Sandra Brown's book "Women Who Love Psychopaths." Sandra Brown does an excellent job of explaining how falling in love with a NAR does not prove that a person is co-dependent. On the contrary, such a relationship reveals your beautiful qualities of loyalty, hope, empathy, etc.. and how they were abused by the disordered. I hope this book can help you as it has me.

Kollontai, I had to hear the "codependent" thing about a million times and the question "why dont you just leave, he is a jerk", I felt like it was my fault too but how can we be all that ILL or BAD if we tried to be nice, forgiving and decent people? OK, maybe we are a little insecure or have some childhood abandonment thing going on but it still does not mean it is our fault for falling in love or in forgiving and trying to show a person understanding and compassion. Many will probably disagree with me on this but I do not see where it is wrong to forgive or try to show love and compassion.. I agree that our efforts are sometimes misguided but again I do not buy into the whole codependent or it is my fault or that I was a so called "glutton for punishment" which is another remark some family members have made to me. It seems in this day and age that nice is a bad thing and being bad is a good thing.