I have come to accept that some people are just born empty, and that nothing you can do can save them from their own evil selves. That is very hard if you are an empath, and if you believe nurture has to have something to do with how one turns out. Nature may be a very cruel mother, after all, but for some reason some of her children rise above the awful beginning she gives them and are able to grow, and adapt and become better than anyone would have ever imagined if they had seen how they started out. And others seem hell bent on destroying every opportunity for advancement, they seem to relish the slime as they sink back into it. It is hard to watch, and hard to live with if your basic nature is to offer help to others, and comfort to others. But I have learned, as a mature woman, that the snake will always be a snake, no amount of love can turn him into anything but a snake. So I will avoid the snake for my own self-preservation.
With regard to the Madonna/Whore paradigm, I clearly understand the lure of the Madonna, to make one seem "normal", to provide comfort and all the other "things" the N's want. And the Whore can provide all of the physical entertainment with none of the responsibility. As a woman, I don't want to be either. I don't want to be worshiped on a pedastle or thrown into the mud. I want to be able to enjoy my self as a woman, with my individual strenths and weaknesses. To do that, I have to love myself, as I am. And I have to protect myself, from the snakes and other dangers of the world. I have to be responsible for me, and refuse to be responsible for anyone else. It is a hard lesson to learn.

It goes back to mother-child possibly repressed issues - I have heard that at the core these men hate ALL women and resent women because they need them (as an object of course) Maybe this is where the Madonna term comes into play, the woman at home does not represent his sexual desires because she is to serve his needs like the love of a mother. All other women are blood sucking parasites that only want to tie him down, and live off him - they are there to only serve HIS needs - guess I am rambling here - I dont believe the psycho has a fear of being alone as much as the fear of not having others to control - they dont feel alone as we do - holding someone brings us a feeling of security and contentment, they dont have those same feelings - to them its just the security of knowing the next day this person is still there to manipulate and control - again just random thoughts - but I do agree they ALWAYS have to have a 2ndary at home back up - seems like there is not a single path on this site that doesnt, so that says something

This has given me another perspective on the "why"'s. Thankyou.

We can understand the need for supply, but this makes total sense for my experience with Trotters. He split with his ex-w and spent 4/5 months trying to get her back. After that, he spent the next 3 years, NEVER without a relationship. Whether that was for sex/emtional needs, either way, he was never alone. When I met him, he had been seeing several women for 3/4 months. We lived together for 3 years and he moved on very very quickly after me to what appears now to be another serious and "ideal" relationship. In fact, he has moved far more quickly with this new woman. Even his best friend commented on how "needy" he is.

Trotters' mother had left him and his sister with their father when they were very young, he was 2. She left to be with another man and they remained with their father. Within a year, their father had remarried a woman who was an alcoholic and even now admits she "doesn't do small children". No wonder he turned out to be what he is. And is now going through life seeking the love he should have got from his mother and step-mother....and once he gets it, he punishes the supply.....very very interesting.

I think you are right though, you read and use and process that which serves your recovery. For me, your post has really helped me today as I have been feeling so very low....didn't sign up for this and didn't, like us all, deserve it in anyway.

Yep....ditto. Just like my marriage. Thank you for outlining this. I think we all kind of know this about them...but it really helps the way you have stated it. My narcexh, went literally from my/our home to OWskank home in a matter of days. And really, he had been eyeing her for years...we knew her together. Pathetic prick. But I digress.

A few weeks ago, I had a session with my counselor who has seen us together and with daughter once, who said of him "he moves all his emotions through one woman to another...never really feeling them himself, but through her. And he does not genuinely bond. He didn't to you, and he is not with her."

All through our marriage, and it started too after our daughter was born, I became "mother" whom he could rail against, resent, be angry to, rebel against, deprive, etc. No matter how hard I tried to be not that to him....going the other direction and expecting practically nothing of him for fear that he would label me as "controlling", "needy", "demanding" and a slew of other BS metaphors for his own mother issues...he would not let me out of that role.

Now....I am a woman again in my own true spirit and self. I can have sex with grown up men and express my sexuality as I please without him withholding or resenting me. I can do what I please without regard for his constant belittling, withholding, PA, etc. I can raise our daughter most of the time with the values and discipline I believe are important without him trying to make me the 3rd wheel and the "evil" mom to them BOTH! I can laugh, love, be alone, eat what I want, do what I want.

Thank god he is gone!!