It has been several days of COMPLETE, NC and my emotions are all over the place. I am overall just so sad and depressed about everything. Now that I have completely cut him off, I am sitting here and looking around me.....it's like a tornado has run through my life and everything is in wreckage all over the place. The MOST difficult thing to deal with is obviously how I lost my kids over the whole situation. I do believe that it is the main reason it has been so hard for me to final cut it off because when I am not in the chaosis and drama and focusing on all of the bullshit....all of those painful feelings take over and it's almost too much to deal with. I am so happy I am going to Cleveland on Friday to be with them....my oldest daughter is graduating from high school!! They will be just sooooooo happy if he is out of my life!!
Another thing I am really struggling with is blaming myself....I have been listening to so much crap over the past two years that it is hard to judge what is real and what is his warped perspection of reality. There is a HUGE difference between the two!!!
I had a nice long talk with my mother tonight (that is also been amazing....my mom and I have really not been close for about 10 YEARS!!! Lots of reasons, many hurt feelings, etc.....I have been talking to her every day about all of this lately and we have actually had some very good conversations and she has really helped me alot. I have been hurt and angry with her, holding resentments for things over the years. Now, isn't it amazing that many of the things I have critized her for years is exactly some of the SAME THINGS I have done to my children....the cycle NEEDS TO BE BROKEN!!)
I talked alot of things out with her....I was kinda explaining all the little day to day abusive things he would do. He would walk in the bedroom some nights....I would already be in bed and he would say "You need to go turn the kitchen lights off.....you need to start taking some responsibilty and do what a wife should do....I'm sick of having to do everything myself (oooooooooh, yeah, like that ever really happens!!!). He just walked past the light switch, but I had to be the one to do it because I never help out and act the way I should. He would take me around the house sometimes pointing things out that I did not do right if there was a smudge left on the floor in the kitchen. Or if he didn't have underwear in his drawer (they were in the dryer).....he would scream and wake up his 11 year old daughter to get up (this is 4:30 - 5:00 am) and put them in the drawer. Again....it's about 10 steps to the laundry room, but everyone got torn apart if they did not DO EVERYTHING THE WAY HE WANTED IT DONE. The small daily things were CONSTANT.....and then there were many other things that were just plain EVIL. I am bringing this up only because as I was talking to my mom and telling her these things (and other things like he said something never happened, but really it did). She finally said "aren't you feeling just the slightest sense of relief that you don't have to live in that anymore.....she said she could not do it for even 1 week!!!!
My brain does feel a little calmer and a little more clear having not talked to him for a few days!! I have even had a few brief moments when I thought he was a complete asshole and I am glad I am not with him anymore!! I am still very sad and depressed...I am sad for losing the relationship I THOUGHT WE HAD!! Sad for losing many other things in my life that I have because of this marriage!! Until a few days ago, I think that a part of me believed that for some reason he was going to be able to change and we would be able to work it out. I have had a "wake up call" these past 3 days and really starting to accept that HE IS THE ONE that is very sick!!!
I am finally on board with the program here......I was served divorce papers at work on Tuesday (very nice of him to do this while I was working, I got some furniture today for my apartment (they let me finance......I really did not want to do this, but I have no furniture, or at least very little.
It is very confusing to say the least that I can have such a wide range of emotions.....depressed, sad, completely confused and hysterical. I CANT STAND THE FACT HE IS WITH SOMEONE ELSE EITHER......THAT MAKES ME FURIOUS!!! The way they can be with you for years, and then get right back into something else, with someone else!!
I just did not want it to end THIS WAY......I have been living in my fantasy world and I see now that my n/p is no different then all of yours