kollontai77's story

I feel like I am to blame

My situation was one of a 7 year crush on a guy (probably Narcissist), which devolved into friends with benefits, then "friends", only to discover that we weren't actually friends at all. We've stopped speaking to each other altogether, and I feel like I am the crazy one.

Here's some reasons why I think he is a "disordered one" and that this isn't just run of the mill stupidity on my part:

1. Right from the beginning, he made sparkly eyes at me, tried really hard to impress me by bragging about all of his accomplishments in the film industry, fixed my camera stuff and gave advice for free.

2. This was interspersed with haughty behaviour, cold shouldering, sunglasses on at night, sarcastic jibes, expecting people to wait on him whilst on unpaid, amateur film sets.

3. Whilst friends with him on Facebook, he had tonnes of female friends, all liking his photos, laughing at his jokes, and saying he looked just like Sean Connery. He would take photos of them, or their body parts, and put them on Facebook, to suggest that he was having sexual encounters, and was in demand, even though he was single and celibate.

4. He would deliberately create intrigue and mystery, wouldn't answer questions straight, would sometimes ignore my comments on his page. But when I pulled back, he would fly back to liking all my photos, engage with me, encourage me in my photography, reassure me that we were actually friends. When it all got too much and I repeatedly defriended him (because I was jealous of the imaginary other women), and ran back to him, he always accepted me back, and made a fuss of me for a while, even though he knew I had a crush on him for years, and he wasn't interested.

5. When I ran into him in person, he was cold, uncommunicative, and haughty, even though we had been so friendly on Facebook just hours before.

6. I lost a lot of weight, figured out that he was an idiot, and started engaging more with his other friends, who were nicer and funnier than he was. It was then that he chased me for friends with benefits. He kept it up for over a month, as I was skeptical, being extra nice, supportive, funny, etc. I caved, and even though he made it clear he was not looking for a relationship, he just wanted someone "easy", and that he wanted other women as well, I went along with it.

7. We only did it once. I was so stressed out I was drinking before I went to his place. Even though he drinks a lot, he reprimanded me for drinking, made out that he didn't drink much (liar), and said "you have to be calm around me". He then went on, talking about his other female friends, how special they were to him, other women he wanted to sleep with, his disappointments with people not respecting him properly in the film industry, and how there was a conspiracy to undermine him. I blabbed on about my life, because he would never have asked otherwise.

He had all these records of french film music, etc, movies around him, props I think, for portraying the image of a cultured gentleman. He got out a record for the movie "A Man and a Woman" and said, "I don't want you to think that I'm getting this out deliberately, with some kind of agenda. That's not what's happening here at all". Also he said "I don't want you to think I'm taking advantage of you", "I don't want you to put me on some kind of pedestal". Anyway, it started with a back rub, we did it on the floor (lights out! he insisted! Was I really that hideous?), he didn't know what he was doing, he even said, "I don't know what I'm doing, you'll have to help me!!!", he couldn't get it up properly, we tried to do the deed with a condom, and his erection died. None of us came. He collapsed on the floor and said "I feel as though I've failed". Twice! He was looking for reassurance from me! He often criticised his body, fishing for compliments. But when I also criticised my body, he said nothing, or agreed with me. I wasn't allowed to sleep overnight "no one's been in my bed for a very long time", he said he was going away for a few weeks, "See you in February". And that I was allowed to talk to him on Facebook if I wanted to. Great.

8. I was a complete emotional basket case after this. I couldn't believe I had allowed myself to be mistreated so thoroughly. We had a lot of conversations about this afterwards, with him wanting to know exactly Why I was so upset (because he couldn't understand at all). That I was over-reacting, and that I should "take it easy". All while he was screwing other women, and bragging about it on Facebook. His friend did a great job calming me down afterwards, saying that he was like this with everyone, callous with people's feelings, chased women without any thought for their feelings, that his ego was a saggy beach ball that always needed to be pumped up. That there was nothing wrong with me. That he wasn't the man for me, and that he wasn't the right man for anyone at all.

9. This guy and I agreed to be friends. We met up a couple of times afterwards, once to decompress after I accused me of using me, toying with my feelings and throwing me away. He was distant, cold, and once again, wanted me to describe my thoughts and feelings in detail. The next time, I took him to see a movie (free tickets). He berated me for being on time ("Everyone knows that you should arrive to see a movie at least 20 minutes early"), whinged about all the Film Snobs waiting in the queue, laughed at me for no reason when I was getting the tickets, complained about the quality of the digital projection, whinged about the woman's voice in the commercial being Horrible, and thought the movie was Tedious. I thought it was moving, and ended up crying at the end. He laughed at me crying at the movie. Continued to tear strips off the film outside, whilst smoking. But then said "I don't want you to think that I completely hated the film". Wouldn't even hang out with me afterward, said he had to go. And when I said, "maybe you can give me a call sometime", he gave me a smug piercing look, paused for a minute, and then said "I'll be around".

10. He completely ignored me on Facebook for a couple of months. When I started ignoring him back, he pulled some weird stunts. Firstly, he changed his relationship status to "in a relationship". After a few hours, I rang him up to find out what was going on. "Oh, what can I do for you?" he said. I asked him about the relationship, and he started laughing. He just did it because he felt like it, because people weren't paying attention to what he was saying on Facebook anymore. But it wasn't true. "Thanks for the call", in a smarmy voice. The next week, he quit Facebook altogether. This alarmed me and his friend, because he relies so much on it for attention. We tried ringing him and could get no answer for a day or so. I got a text back from him "Very busy working". The next day he was back.

11. After he bragged about getting sucked off by a "scary" woman at the pub, to all his female friends, on Facebook, I got a fit of jealousy, and wanted to know whether he actually was my friend or not. That he wasn't behaving like one. He completely ignored me, until I sent him quite a few messages, accusing him of thinking that I was a loser. He told me to "stop being so stupid about this!". But I had had enough. I went on like a crazed banshee, that he was treating me like I was some kind of groupie, to be taken advantage of, and laughed at behind her back for being so gullible. I accused him of being a "clueless jerk" and a "narcissist", when he finally messaged back "I do not need this abuse...... I am not responsible for what goes on in your head. Goodbye. Do not contact me". I then sent a couple of messages of apology. But he wouldn't delete me off Facebook! I then sent more messages asking why, is his silence permanent or temporary, I tried ringing him a couple of times but he wouldn't answer. Eventually he said "Why delete you? I do not want to speak to you at the moment!". He knew that I freaked out at being ignored and cut off, but he didn't care.

12. I deleted him and all his friends, sent him a long message, that he never cared about me at all, apologising for me throwing myself at him. And that I can never speak to him again. No answer. That's the end. I asked him to hide his Facebook profile from public view so I couldn't stalk it, but he hasn't done even that. It is still open for me to see, that he is completely unmoved by any of this, and his life continues as before.

I feel like I am to blame for all of this.