I realize its not easy to process a PD, and we must work through all of the betrayal and injustice that we suffered, but know that all the issues you are dealing and all the answers you wish you had will always come back to one thing and one thing only: Because they are disordered.
He cheated on you, lied, played damaging psychological techniques, wore a mask, invented a persona, had strange sexual behaviors, emotionally and physically abused you for one reason only: Because they are disordered.
It would be wonderful if we could walk away with clarity and closure to say oh, ok NOW I get it I understand what he is I feel better now ..... I wish it worked that way but it doesnt - however, when doing the work through this fricking nightmare please dont lose sight of this fact- PLEASE PLEASE STOP yourself with such things as comparing yourself to the other woman, oops I mean enabler, stop thoughts that you were not good enough, pretty enough, smart enough, giving enough, sexy enough, tall enough, short enough, thin enough, heavy enough, knock out body good enough.... the list never ends as we examine ourselves does it? Maybe he wanted someone with blue eyes, instead of brown eyes ..... whatever you are searching for in your answers STOP STOP STOP - I am here to give you that answer: He did what he did to you BECAUSE HE IS DISORDERED!!!!!
I often pass the same tree I used to sit under in my car a few blocks from my home when I had to cry- I would sit under that tree and cry so hysterically - its no wonder I didnt have heart failure from the shock and pain of what I was living in. Now when I pass that tree I think OH MY GOD I remember sitting under that tree and the pain I was in because I was with a psychopath. I still have my size 6 clothes in a box from all the weight I lost because I couldnt eat, I have a library of books written about him that are now tucked away in a trunk.
Here are the memories he left me: a tree I once cried under, anorexic clothes, and a library of books on psychopaths. You also will look back and only see the memory of a DISORDERED PERSON - hang in there x0x0