THE ANSWER IS: Because they are disordered!!

neverlookback

Member since:
2 years 41 weeks

Last activity:
22 weeks 17 hours

Posted May 27, 2012 - 8:54am

I realize its not easy to process a PD, and we must work through all of the betrayal and injustice that we suffered, but know that all the issues you are dealing and all the answers you wish you had will always come back to one thing and one thing only: Because they are disordered.

He cheated on you, lied, played damaging psychological techniques, wore a mask, invented a persona, had strange sexual behaviors, emotionally and physically abused you for one reason only: Because they are disordered.

It would be wonderful if we could walk away with clarity and closure to say oh, ok NOW I get it I understand what he is I feel better now ..... I wish it worked that way but it doesnt - however, when doing the work through this fricking nightmare please dont lose sight of this fact- PLEASE PLEASE STOP yourself with such things as comparing yourself to the other woman, oops I mean enabler, stop thoughts that you were not good enough, pretty enough, smart enough, giving enough, sexy enough, tall enough, short enough, thin enough, heavy enough, knock out body good enough.... the list never ends as we examine ourselves does it? Maybe he wanted someone with blue eyes, instead of brown eyes ..... whatever you are searching for in your answers STOP STOP STOP - I am here to give you that answer: He did what he did to you BECAUSE HE IS DISORDERED!!!!!

I often pass the same tree I used to sit under in my car a few blocks from my home when I had to cry- I would sit under that tree and cry so hysterically - its no wonder I didnt have heart failure from the shock and pain of what I was living in. Now when I pass that tree I think OH MY GOD I remember sitting under that tree and the pain I was in because I was with a psychopath. I still have my size 6 clothes in a box from all the weight I lost because I couldnt eat, I have a library of books written about him that are now tucked away in a trunk.

Here are the memories he left me: a tree I once cried under, anorexic clothes, and a library of books on psychopaths. You also will look back and only see the memory of a DISORDERED PERSON - hang in there x0x0

Thank you for posting

June 1, 2012 - 8:28am — Redhead

Thank you for posting this....a very profound truth

Never look back

May 31, 2012 - 5:17pm — Brit

You have hit the nail on the head again. Thank you for sharing this with us.

Brit x

Each day I take my dog for a

May 31, 2012 - 1:59pm — chris53

Each day I would take my dog for a long walk through the park and I could remember back in last November my Ex-Psycho-Narc had left me for another OW. I remember feeling lost and so broken hearted and couldn't understand at the time why he had lied to me and left me without any regards. since I had joined this wonderful forum I now have a more clear understanding who he really is and how this forum had answer so many of questions why he behave the way he did during the times we were together and the ST and how he finally devalue and discard me. I will continue to read and learn from the Mods and all the ladies here. it's like what Janie53 mention many times "Stay true to myself". :-)

Neverlookback

May 30, 2012 - 4:38pm — Janie53

You are a lovely example of a survivor of the wrath from a psychopath. You are true to you; the absolute best way to be.

Once you get there, there is no turning back. Liberation and cause for celebration.
Great work!

You will always be true!
Janie

Jane

May 30, 2012 - 5:47pm — neverlookback

XXOOOO and so are you

Thank I

May 30, 2012 - 4:29pm — Deestarr

Thank for this comment. It sums up exactly how it is.

When I'm feeling down and lost I'm goon to re read your post.

Thank u for sharing.

when will I reach your stage?

May 30, 2012 - 2:37pm — shatttered75

Right now it seems far far away! I know now that he is disordered and indeed that is the answer to ALL the questions but I've just stopped spinning and now I feel the loss and the emptiness. This is an emotional holocaust! That's how I describe it! I lost weight too but I keep it under control. I'm better today than I was this week, I don't feel so weak and I see -maybe- a small tiny ray of light in this dark tunnel after reading your post! Thanks xx

Shattered75

May 30, 2012 - 4:53pm — Janie53

I can hear from your post that you are determined to move forward but are still having a hard time as is to be expected. Unfortunately, there is not a quick fix to the damage these narcs have done. Instead of a time frame, try to celebrate each step forward, no matter how small. This journey isn't a race and because it is so complicated, it is more important to complete it correctly so your life will be narc free forever.

I never thought I would be in the place I am today and continue to learn and discover more every day. Please treat yourself well, spoil yourself and allow yourself to feel and embrace the feelings, even if they are painful. I know it is hard to believe but feeling is healing.

You are on the way.
Stay true to you!

Janie

shattered75

May 30, 2012 - 6:08pm — onwithmylife

NLB said it so beautifully ad eloguently ,mine was a garden variety narcissist, but irregardless, it seems to me looking back on the 3 plus years away from the man, it was all a process of letting go of the dream, the good times and bad times, the illusion we stubbornly refused to let die within us of what could have been with the man we all loved so deeply and dearly. I think back to th early days when I clung to Sam Vaknin's book, like Linus to his blanket, sent balloons up in the air with our picture on it, emailed wonderful Lisa who helped me through all this,in the early stages when i had no one to talk to you this, just did everything in my power to try and move on with my life, it was all a huge struggle, going to work, getting therapy on my days off and putting one foot in front of another, good days, bad days, in between days but with time and knowledge i finally came to my place of peace within myself knowing I had loved a disturbed and emotionally sick man who could never love me in return. As NLB said you you will get through this and be wiser person when all is said and done............

when will you reach my stage?

May 30, 2012 - 3:27pm — neverlookback

I dont know how far you are with NC but I remember when I was IN the relationship I KNEW in my heart it was wrong - I had this nagging horrible pain 24-7 that just never left me - I did not want to accept he was a psycho, I wanted nothing more than for him to see me for all the good I was and to love me but he never did and he never will because he just does not have the capability. I said goodbye to all the empty promises, the dream, it was all LIES I was holding on to someone who could have NEVER given them to me or anyone - if I had been his live in GF I STILL would not have been happy - it would not have mattered what and who I was in his life he was unreachable, untouchable - I would have been the Live in partner always wondering if he was cheating on me and/or doing his perverted sexual acts with others - he is extremely twisted, and disordered sexually and in many other ways and I could have NEVER lived that way with someone - it would have TOTALLY destroyed me. I think I got to this stage by accepting there are some things in life that you can NEVER change and this was one of them and I cant change for someone and destroy who I am in the process - what he wanted me to be was WRONG, and sick and I want no part of that world -

There is a HUGE feeling of loss and emptiness because everything you ever believed in and felt with this person was NOT what it was - all your happiness was ripped away in one swift blow and you did NOTHING to cause it which even makes it harder to accept. That is why my post simply states; this happened to you because HE was disordered - things like this dont happen with NORMAL partners, partners that can genuinely love you and feel remorse; betrayal on this level is that of a person with no remorse and no conscience and someone you MUST let go of - It takes time your heart will heal if you stay in reality and truth x0

Neverlookback

May 31, 2012 - 3:23pm — Totally Stunned

What you wrote here and your original post is spot on!! I could go on and on - they are practically all the same with different names. For me - I am finally getting to your stage, and I am thankful. I still feel the emptiness, question those broken promises and shake my head and wonder about those wonderful promises of being together, how I am his life and he cannot live without me. All of them lies.

Here is how I know I am STARTING to get better. I dont think about him every 10 minutes. I am starting to laugh more, cry less. Loving music again and for the first time, I have no desire to checkout his social network page (lets just say its not facebook - I am sure there are some here who know what I am talking about). I am choosing to not be hurt anymore, and seeing his picture would bring hurt. I have chosen to heal and move on. Choosing to look forward as much as possible, and forgiving myself when I do remember good time with sadness. And reading here as much as possible helps tremendously.

God bless you and everyone here.

Thank you!

May 30, 2012 - 4:02pm — shatttered75

Neverlookback EVERYTHING you say makes perfect sense! It's so good to hear it from someone on the 'outside' who has been through it already! It's like you do the crarifying thinking for me! Only two months NC. It seems like a century! I discovered this Godsent forum two weeks ago!

It's a journey where your soul gets raped and your spirit gets crushed! And you are right about the weird sex! Mirrors on the wall (to watch HIMSELF on the act! It's like masturbation with a sex toy! EEEWWWW). I'm so glad I'm out but it still hurts A LOT! You are the best! Your words are comforting and now I see light in the tunnel not just a tiny ray!! Thank you sooo much!!! XX

trying to put the experience of mr. narc into perspective

May 30, 2012 - 1:07am — no more an echo

neverlookback,

Oh. My. God. I have a 'crying spot' too! Difference is, that place is reserved for tears about my beautiful addicted daughter. Her self-destruction hurts me in a place so deep- well, I'll just say that no man can reach there.

While the games that Narc-Boy played with me were beyond cruel and demeaning, at the end of the day, men are replaceable (children are not!) I'm not trying to diminish the pain, damage and chaos he created but rather to put it into some sort of perspective in my life.

I mean, widows often re-marry and there are many women out there on their 2nd or 3rd marriages...Am I being heartless when I say that Mr. Narc is replaceable? (Before you answer that, consider that he's a FRAUD, so cut me a little slack, here!)

I still have so much to sort out concerning Mr. NarcoPath- I'm just trying now to put the experience of him into some sort of perspective so I can move past this.

Does that mean that I'm getting closer to getting over this nightmare? (Oh God, please!)

Thanks for your post, girl! I remind myself (and others in this forum) so very often not to forget that he's deranged and never to underestimate the disorder!

Echo

May 30, 2012 - 3:38pm — neverlookback

we seem to have our favorite crying spots dont we? I also went into the bathroom and buried my face in a towel and turned on the bathtub so my family would not hear me - This psycho let some deep scars on my heart but the more we realize how deranged they were we STOP blaming ourselves and our hearts dont feel so broken anymore.

You will and are healing Echo, the hell we suffered was because we were with someone that was ....... ok ok FUCKED UP, oh I mean disordered, I mean whats the difference - really? Just always know that as you look back - they were not like us and never will be x0

Great Stuff, Neverlookback!

May 27, 2012 - 4:02pm — Tigerlily

Pithy, witty, to-the-point and deadly accurate. I love it. Keep going strong.
Love, Tigerlily

Sigh

May 27, 2012 - 2:34pm — Rising Dawn

This is what I am trying to reconcile - that he IS disordered, and that NOTHING between us was real. It's just so hard, because as normal humans, we do look for answers and closure, but we might just have to accept in this case there is no such thing. It's hard to accept that you poured your heart into someone with your whole being, only to realize the entire time you were just there for their entertainment

Last night, in my head I had split him into the "Idea of Him", and the "Real Him" (which is an oxymoron, I know). I thought this would help me come to to the realization that the person I fell in love with, the "Idea of Him", is my projection and ideals, which comes from a genuine a good place, but the the "Real Him" is a soul-less being, who comes from emptiness and delusions, and is someone I never knew (and couldn't possibly have known), because he is not real.

I am not sure if this is the best approach, and I know it sounds like I am still looking for closure, but I am human, so I have to do what I have to do to survive.

Still fumbling...

May 27, 2012 - 5:51pm — Rising Dawn

Thanks, Never and LE,

I am trying my best to move on and go forward. I need to stop thinking about what could have been (which was never even possible) and focus on the REALITY of what was and is - that he has a PD and I could never ever had or have anything real with him.

He was married when we met and separated now, yet he's still best friends with his wife, which really bugs me. I know it's probably mostly a sham - his "devotion", "loyalty" and "protection" of her are probably just his way of twisting his need of her as NS (his most constant supply for 15 years), instead of genuine feelings towards her. Even so, I am half jealous of her while half feeling sorry for her. I need to get to the point of detachment, so I don't care either way about him or anyone in his life.

Thank you for your words of support and sharing your experiences. It makes me feel less alone knowing there are people who understand what I am going through. I know I will get past it. I am working on myself and letting time do its healing.

RD

May 27, 2012 - 3:44pm — neverlookback

What you expressed is exactly what the reality of it is. We felt we loved them so deeply yet in reality that was impossible because how can you love someone that you never even really knew or was real. Did I love the REAL disordered person? I ask myself that question often - but I was so damn busy wanting the persona back and blaming myself because he took it away that I never once during my involvement stop to think HOW could I have genuinely loved what he became? Could I REALLY love someone who is so damn immoral and depraved - were those the qualities in a partner that I found admirable - his TOTAL disrespect for human beings, his predatory and dangerous behavior - what in the hell did I think I was loving? There is not a one of us who didnt see them as they really were (for the most part) but we hung in there, and we just insisted that we loved them - this was total disillusion on my part to think for a second I could love with my whole fiber and being such a sick person and what he stood for. Was I disillusioned with the illusion? The illusion being someone who can FAKE being normal and thats what it was you know, they just waltz through life faking human emotions; it gets them money, sex, scams, inheritance, success, good image and the list never ends depending on the particular psycho and what his needs are.

Amazing the life altering experience it was for me yet I now can say in just a few words - he did this to me because he was disordered - when all is said and done this is my truth OUR truth - all thats left is to shake off the damage of what a disordered person does to a healthy person - its NOT pretty - you do what you have to do to recover RD there are no real rules to this, just stay with the truth.x0

RD, I have done this too, I

May 27, 2012 - 3:10pm — Lucky Escape

RD, I have done this too, I managed to train my brain eventually to see him in two separate forms, have even renamed him!! Your approach is what works for you

I now know that the man I loved, and the man currently "love-bombing" OW is not real, not real at all. I now this with every part of me, there is too much pointing me to it....so so much. I have been voraciously reading everything I can and he is a text book narc, with huge pyschopathic traits. Thomas Sheridan's book is very good at explaining the psycopath and their traits.

The real Trotters however, was never loved by me....hence I reacted so badly to him! My boundaries kicked in good and proper. The real Trotters is evil and toxic and WILL end up on this cycle of abuse and devaluation for the rest of his life. I am convinced that he will do NOTHING but make people miserable, may take months, years but he WILL do this. I don't need to hang around awaiting validation as it's time for my life now and my happiness.

Closure will never come from them, we are not even in their thoughts let alone conscience, but you seem to be well on the way to getting your closure, from you x

moving on

May 27, 2012 - 11:51am — freeatlast200

I wish I would have figured this all out years ago. This website helps me realize my ex is clearly a narcissist. For some reason, I didn't grasp it 100% when my therapist told me that he was, 1 1/2 years ago. "Because they are disordered", hits home. All these men sound so similiar. I knew I did have a lot of problems myself, but in the back of my mind I knew something was wrong. It helps knowing that there was something wrong with him, it wasn't all me! I read a post the other day and the women was at her witts end. I was there 1 1/2 years ago. It's amazing what these men can do to us. I just got approved, so I couldn't respond to her. I just want her to know it does get better. Therapy really helps. Reading and educating yourself is key. If I would have found this website sooner, it would have been of great help. No contact is key. The sooner a person realizes this, the better. It took something major for me to stop. It might take that long for others as well. It's been since January 2012 with no contact. I have gained some weight back and don't even care. I am thinking better of myself again. Sound familiar? My ex played me against his new girl. He was telling her horrible things about me and vice versa. I always heard from him after they had a fight. She finally broke up with him, which I didn't know at the time. The ex was trying to get her back, and he must have been pretty desperate. He forwarded a couple of emails that I sent to him when I was feeling vulnerable. The new girl now had my name and email address. She sent me the nastiest email and cc'd him with it to. I responded back with all the truths about the situation. Her response was much kinder. She told me how badly he was treating her. The girl that was perfect. The girl that was prettier, smarter, and thinner than me was being treated badly too. Finally, I had closure. The girl still thought I was passive-aggressive, which was coming from the ex, but seemed to understand. Out of curiosity, I checked facebook the other day and they are still friends, but I'm hoping she somehow finds this website. There has been no contact since all of this. The ex did cc both of us women in response to the nasty email. All he said was that this ow shouldn't have responded to the emails of mine that were forwarded. And that he felt badly about how I actually felt about him. A day or two later he sent an email just to me, stating that he was sorry. Just a one-line email. He was very careful about what he wrote in emails, especially within six months of the contact ending. The ex was very manipulative. Our phone conversations were very different. The last phone message I got from him stated, "I have a bone to pick with you. You shouldn't have shared that information with a third party. That ow just was going throught a hard time." That day I blocked his email address and changed my phone number. I guess nc isn't so hard after all. He lives states away, so maybe this wouldn't be as easy for others. Thanks for letting me get this all out. I feel better.

Thank you for your post and

May 27, 2012 - 11:46am — chris53

Thank you for your post and reminding me what a disordered person my EX-Narc is! nothing good will come out of a relationship with a Narcissist Psychopath, no future and no hope!

Chris53
:-)

Chris

May 27, 2012 - 12:17pm — neverlookback

you tell yourself that everyday and one day you will feel it and believe it - nothing good will EVER come from a disordered person EVER - til their last breath they will be like this - whatever type of psycho he was with you this is what he will always be - have you ever heard of anyone who lied a happy life with a psychopath? let me know if you do lol x0

Absolutely true.

May 27, 2012 - 9:08am — Layla

They are truly sick in the head, and do everything they do because they are. It really is as simple as that. We are just casualties to their disorder and they will always be disordered, that is one of the reasons NC is so important for us. We can't "help" them, change them or make them "see the light"....we can only walk away.

It is actually a freeing concept to know that. No apologies, no reasons given.....just walk away.

Great post and full of truth!

love~ Layla

PS- I think I am going to go back and answer every question with "because he is disordered".....haha! ; )

Very well said and so easily

May 27, 2012 - 9:02am — Susang

Very well said and so easily forgotten! Thank you

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