SetFree's Story

Letter to the OW

Dear OW, One day you may need to spend hours on this website www.lisaescott.com. That is why I'm writing to you. As long as you think Narcissistic Nutcase is amazing, wonderful, talented & adorable & you NEVER stand up for yourself, your values or your needs, you will last. You will receive his attention & affection, dinners out & cute funky gifts & paintings, lingerie too. Especially a ring to match his. But when you notice his mask of best behavior starting to slip, watch out! When you decide to stand up to his bossing & belittling you or won't tolerate him controlling or criticizing you, the end will come very soon & without warning! We had fun. Long talks, runs, bike rides, museums, theaters, fun parties, cooking together, great meals & great sex. Fires, sunsets, ocean swims, massages, foot rubs, wine, bubble baths & lovemaking. Very long talks on the phone, 1-2 hrs/day & 5-10 texts/day. I was vulnerable. My 28 y/o son had just died. NN moved fast. I was "the Love of his life" with whom "the best was yet to come" with promises & plans for the future, San Francisco, New York City, Aspen, a mountaintop wedding, a dog, an herb garden, a greenhouse, beehives, a sailboat. He & his boys - my new family. Even claiming he would pay off my alimony early so we could be married before the end of this year, because he couldn't wait that long! After an 8 mo phone relationship & 6 mo flying back & forth every 3-4 weeks, things changed. His mask slipped more often. "I want to fuck your brains out" he said. Afterwards I said "I prefer you saying "make passionate love with me." After numerous times of telling me I could use breast augmentation, the final straw with that criticism came when he said [while cupping my breasts during sex in the shower] "we need to get these things bigger, so I have something to hold onto! (Every friend I've told this to was completely aghast! This was said when I was in town for my mom's cancer surgery 2 weeks before Dominican Republic. I started noticing memory lapses too. Not remembering I had been in ex-wife's house with him & the boys for dessert. No recollection of me being in church with ex-wife & kids sitting next to us. Forgetting I had been at a friend's house with him for Thanksgiving [Wernicke-Korsokoffs syndrome starting??] He started acting weird several times in D.R. Beautiful weather, perfect water temp, very relaxing, one of "his best vacations ever." But then he kind of snapped while I was sailing the catamaran. NN started barking orders at me for at least 20 minutes like we were surrounded by sharks or racing in a regatta. It was really bizarre! I just kept sailing trying to follow his orders & not saying a word. I had never been spoken to like that! Eventually I let go of the sail & rudder & told him he was stressing me out & gave him charge of the boat. He found little things to criticize: my choices for his son's birthday present, "don't look at that." Mocking me wearing my swim cap to swim laps in the ocean. When getting ready to go out, "You're too slow." When I wanted to put our backpacks in the room for kayaking, he said, "I've never seen anyone so paranoid!" In Memphis, NN criticized my restaurant choices saying, "I'm never letting you pick the restaurants again." I replied "I like the ones we went to." He had become bossy in little ways & then bluntly said when I had 5 bites of steak left, "Stop eating. I'm full, you're going to be too full." I said "this is a great steak & I'm going to finish it." (that was strange!) I had NEVER been treated like this in my life! We spent 2 nights in Memphis.(Later I found out you 2 had already started spending time together) Did he call you that Saturday evening from Memphis when he went down to the bar [to call the boys] after we made love? Did he bring the little soaps & lotions from the Marriot back for you? We had sex 4x in 2 days, but I'm pretty sure you were already in the picture. However, he still spoke of future plans with me that weekend. He would come to [my city] more, go to more [hometown baseball] games, but something didn't feel right when he left me at the station. A few days later I told him I dreamed that I would never see him again & woke up so sad & also so sad about this being my 1st Mother's Day without [my son]. He did not respond & had no consoling words for me. All the "XOXO's" "I love you's" & "Good morning Sunshine's" ended as quickly as they had started. I imagine you started hearing all these the week after Memphis. Watch out! Our relationship went from Fantasy Land to Train Wreck overnight, in which he wouldn't return texts or calls for days on end if at all. Complete emotional abandonment! Ya'll went to Jimmy Buffet (he lied that he was with ___.) Y'all went to dinner that Wed. night (he lied to me twice that he was still going with ___ after already canceling those plans.) Then after over a year of multiple daily texts & calls for hours on end... SILENCE! Finally, a text stating he needed time alone & would call me in a week, so he could heal & get his head straight. I wouldn't accept that. (Silent treatment has been said to be the worst form of emotional abuse.) He had promised he would never do this to me again after he did this when last OW came into the picture Easter of last year, 2 weeks before my arrival. He apologized many times about that "Jazz Fest debauchle" & "the girl with the shoes in his room." I told him if he ever lost interest again to please talk to me about it, not just ignore me & leave me hanging. He did it again this Easter. Hot/cold. Pursuing/distancing. "Fool me once, shame on you; Fool me twice, shame on me." We had planned to have both families at his house for this Mother's day, then on Easter said he wouldn't even see me if I went down to my parents for Mother's day. You must be special, but it won't last. He's not capable of it. I know it now, didn't know it when I fell in love with him. Which is why I'm writing to you. When this happens to you, which it will, you will wonder, "what did I do wrong?" You will think, "who is this man I thought I knew, who I shared my heart, my soul, my bed & my body with, whom I had treated like a king & fell madly in love with?" Then you will go to the Lisa E. Scott website & find relief. After my week of sobbing, not eating & losing 7 pounds, a friend shared her similar experience with her narcissist & gave me this website which saved my sanity. The pain will eventually pass when you realize it was only about him & feeding his ego, but the pain of a life with a narcissist will never end. (You may even want to warn his next victim.) Another warning: he tested positive for genital herpes early October after I asked him to get tested for STD's before going without protection. Has he told you this? "I wish I didn't know now what I didn't know then." (One of his favorite sayings.) I had never been so devalued, disrespected & demeaned, then discarded & devastated by anyone in my life, which Narcissistic Nutcase did to me at my most vulnerable time, 7 months after my son died & 2 months after my mom was diagnosed with cancer. Actually, I'm glad I found out now, what I didn't know then. The future pain could have been even worse. One friend said he took my grief of my son's death away from me & then doubled it. I hope you don't ever experience this grief & pain from him. He is not worth it.