Warning; My story includes graphic sexual vocabulary! I thought it was important to include these details, as it kind of defined our "relationship".
Almost exactly a year ago we met at a bar. It was a magical night, we had so much fun. He ended up back at my place. We spent hours joking around and having fun and hours having amazing sex. He lives only 1 block away. The next couple weeks were filled with more fun nights, great sex. He'd even meet me at my place during my lunch break (he was unemployed at the time.)
The first incident occurred one night at a bar. He was being sulky and not paying attention to me. I wasn't having a good time and it was getting worse. So I said my goodbyes and started walking home. He started texting me horrible things. I don't remember exactly, but something along the lines of "Fuck off. Find someone else. The real problem is I can't even feel myself inside your loose pussy. I don't need you for companionship...etc. etc."
I was crushed, confused, angry and sad. No one had ever spoken to me that way.
I'm not sure who texted who first after that night. I remember they were inconsistent and sounded crazy, one minute saying I'm too clingy, the next texting he loves me. My response was "What do you want from me?" Didn't hear back.
The following day, riding my bike home from the beach, I saw him on the sidewalk. We talked. I rationally explained I didn't deserve to be treated that way. He thought I wanted him back, but I was really just looking for closure. An explanation for his crazy behavior. He said he was insecure about not having a job and couldn't be in a relationship right now. Insults were the only way he knew how to break it off. He told me about his previous gf whose scars he insulted because he said his feelings were hurt when she wanted space. RED FLAG!
I remember him looking void of emotion, like a statue. I walked away. He started texting me. It went something like this...
Him: Just found out my ex died.
Me: What?! Are you okay? I probably shouldn't be, but I'm here if you need to talk"
Him: I don't care, she was a raging bitch anyway.
Him: Just let me come over and fuck you
Me: No, I think I need to find someone bigger to fill my gaping pussy (HA! laughed about that one for a while)
Him: Just let me eat your pussy
Me: Nope. I can't have casual sex with someone I care about. Anyways, I'm glad we talked, I feel a lot better. Take care.
I didn't hear from him for a week or two. Then he emailed, wanting to talk and fix a part of my car he had previously promised to fix. After several emails back and forth, I decided to give him another chance. When he came over I was deflated, I didn't trust him. My gut told me it was wrong. But he was soooo charming. He held me in his arms, stared into my eyes, profusely apologizing. Cue amazing sex.
It only took another week for a second episode. We went to a bar, I couldn't say or do anything right for him that night. I finally pressured him to vocalize his cold behavior. And out came the insults...Why didn't get manicures and pedicures every week? Why do I go to concerts? He did that so long ago. Why do I wear skinny jeans? I don't look good in them. Etc. etc. I was furious. At first I was defending myself and then I was like FUCK THIS. I don't have to listen to this. Love me or leave me. So I walked out.
He immediately started texting me, "Come back here. I didn't want you to leave. Come lay with me." It went on for hours, I turned my phone to silent and fell asleep crying. The next morning he called me..."Just wanted to make sure you're up for work!" Sounding all chipper. I was furious. I started telling him the same stuff as before, you can't treat me this way, I deserve better. I'm amazing and if you can't see that, goodbye. Then came the suicide threat. I was fed up. I told the story to a colleague that day. She told me about NPD and how it almost ruined her. I looked into it, read articles, it all sounded so familiar. The mood swings, obsession with wealth and perfection, substance abuse, gaslighting, etc.
I emailed him telling him I though he had NPD "for his own good." I think this was a huge mistake because he became so much better at hiding it later on...
After about 2 months of MC (responded a few times, reiterating that I would not be seeing him), I texted him. "Can we just have sex?" How naive.
Of course he complied. He came by. We had great sex. I sent him home. No sleeping over, I told him. Well, that lasted a week and then I was back in it. He came over one night saying that he couldn't just have sex with me. He looked me in the eye and told me he loved me. I resisted and didn't return the sentiment, but got him to stay that night. We continued on like that, discreetly for quite some time. I was leading a double life. My friends knew all about the prior abuse and I was too embarrassed to admit I was seeing him again. Eventually, I admitted it to most of my friends, but a couple still don't know to this day.
After a month or two of "good behavior" I started letting him into my life more. I told him I loved him, something I had felt for months.
I was still casually dating. I knew the N was not for me in the long run but couldn't shake him. We broke up a couple more times, and I can't remember the details. Basically, he would get upset about something (usually work related) and just disappear. He wouldn't keep promises to come by when he said he would. I would get mad, but always forgive him. This is just how he is, I would think. In the back of my mind I remembered all the NPD reading I had done, but was in denial. I think when I told him he had NPD, he changed his game plan. The insults weren't working, so he moved to compliments. But there were always subtle jabs, questioning why I do things a certain way. I brushed it off and usually stood my ground. He figured out how to keep my supply coming.
A few more details of our "relationship" I work 9-5 and teach fitness several times/week. He is a bartender/server and works nights. So he'd come over almost every night. I'd stay up til 2 or 3am and wake up for work. He'd sleep in my bed until 2pm usually. We rarely were available at normal hours, so it was easy to keep him from my friends. Whenever my friends (who knew about our relationship) were around, he retreated into his shell. He knew they disapproved (though, they tried to be polite).
This FINAL break-up started just as innocuously as the first 5. He texted that his register had come up short at work and they were trying to pin it on him. I expressed concern. He repeated himself. I said "I know, I understand, I'm sorry" No response. He was supposed to come over. An hour and a half after his last text, I texted him "Are you almost here?" He replied "Nope. Not coming over." Fine, I thought. Just another one of his freak-outs. I don't want him to come over. I know how he gets. I fell asleep. I awoke to my doorbell buzzing at 2:30 am. I groggily buzzed him in. He came up the stairs and immediately said "WHat? Why are you giving me that look of disapproval?" I was like, You just woke me up. It's 2:30, what are you doing here? He stormed out the back door. Then started texting me to throw something he left at my place down. I didn't respond. He got agitated. He said "Throw it down NOW" Wanting it to stop and for him to leave, I threw it down. Then he started texting me more crazy stuff. "Find someone better, with a big dick. I am insane. My only option is suicide. Don't contact my family, I've made sure you won't have to, etc. etc."
I mostly knew this was bullshit, but i was still worried. Should I call the cops? That would just piss him off. The next day I texted him "Are you ok?"
He said "I'm fine." I said "Thanks for letting me know. I'm done. Delete my number"
Cue the hoovering...
2 days later "I know you hate me, but I really want my earbuds"
Next day..."Babe, how did all this happen?"
I said, Is this a rhetorical question or do you really not know?
"I've read through my texts over and over and I don't remember"
So I told him the story. He didn't respond for a day.
I decided I didn't want a response. I found this website. I curried up the strength to attempt NC, for REAL this time.
I changed my number. I sent his emails to filter automatically to trash.
A week later I had fallen asleep on the couch. I awoke to my buzzer at 1:30am. It buzzed again. I should mention, it's quite a startling noise.
I stood there confused for a second. Then I grabbed my phone and headed downstairs. No one was there. I tried to convince myself it was someone who had the wrong buzzer but I knew it was him. It kept me up.
The next morning I checked my email trash. There it was...
"I was surprised to see that you changed your number. I was hurt that you would go that far to get away from me.
My grandfather died. It was tragic.
I just want someone to talk to. I have nobody.
You take care,
Love you much,
I responded. Probably shouldn't have, but I did.
You've done nothing but use and manipulate me for the past year. You care about nothing but your own selfish desires.
I'm done. DO NOT come to my house again."
I was surprised to learn his grandfather actually had died. Previous hoovering techniques included an ex dying, being locked out of the house, and suicide threats. Regardless, he had never mentioned him and had a precarious relationship with that side of his family (his father's).
His parents had divorced and remarried 5 times!!!!! I suspect his father was a NARC as well. From what he's told me, his mother is still stuck on him, though he has a new family and doesn't speak to his 6 children. I actually do feel sorry for him. It's no surprise that he's so screwed up. But it can't be my problem anymore.
That's it. It's been almost 2 weeks since that interaction. I still have my moments of weakness where I idealize what we had and miss his affection.
This site helps me to remember and resist.
I start therapy next week. I have the support of wonderful friends and family, but most importantly, you all.
No one understands this pain like all of you. Thank you for bravely sharing your stores.