I felt a need to post tonight. To tell each and every one of you that although you feel in a state of hopelessness tonight, please know.........it doesn't last. I promise you that.
tomorrow, marks 1 year that I joined the forum. Like many of you, I viewed before joining, probably for a good month or two, a bit hesitant, nervous about becoming an "official member" because lets face it........if you become a member, you are admitting that you have a problem.
I look back on this year, and I have many horrible memories, plus the year before, when I was a nomad in my journey. The horrible memories are not with the forum however. And that is my blessing. The past two years have been hard, yet they have been enlightening, a gift. I would not trade them for anything, honestly.
I remember this time last year, I waaaaay ahead of my narc. I was in the process of unmasking him. I had known for months what he was, and I was going to expose him. I put my plan into action, and was confident that I was going to win. By the end of the night however, I was beside myself, petrified, because i realized I had "kicked a hornets nest" as my therapist always said. He was sure that at some point, my narc would hop on a plane and kill me. I realize now, how serious of a game I was playing, didn't then until that night. When I unmasked him, he became infuriated. I became very scared. All these thoughts of fear started racing through my head. I was besiide myself, envisioning my daughter burying me, giving a eulogy, for what? And for whom? Who had I become? What have I become?
I reached out, signed up, sent a message to the person that I thought would help me most, who was on line at the time. It was Goldie................and I must say. I have never been left to feel most at ease after that short conversation in pm. She asked all the right questions, answered everything as it should be, made me feel at ease immediately. I was able to sleep that night.
If Goldie wasn't on the forum at that moment, goodness only knows where I would be today. Would someone else have made me feel at ease? possibly. Would someone else have given me the advise that she had, possibly. Would someone else have taken the time out to make me feel safe? Possibly. Would someone else have stayed on line until I was comfortable? Absolutely.
Goldie was my first contact here on the forum. Hunter swiftly afterwards. Without either of them, quite honestly, I believe with all my heart and soul, I would be a "Jane Doe" lying in a morgue for my only child to identify. I was reckless, out of my realm of being, irresponsible, not only of myself, but of the people that love me and respect me. My family and friends. I would look in the mirror, and had no idea who was staring back at me.
I have many to thank for my survival. But I would like to give a shout out, if no one takes offense, being my anniversary seems appropriate. There have been many along the way...............
Goldie, Thank you for giving me the inspiration that I needed.
Hunter, Thank you for giving me the balls that I needed.
Spinning and Journey, Thank you for your spiritual guidance, you girls are fucking awesome!
Janemarie and Legacy, Thank you for making me feel more than what I really am.
Phantom, Thank you for allowing me to be a part of your journey. You and I, well, lets just say, with no pun intended...........you mirror me.
Nomoredenial, Thank you for showing me the strength.
Janie53, you are a pillar of strength. I am honored to be a part of your journey.
Greengirl, Thank you for giving me back my youth.
Duped2x, Thank you for trusting me.
moving forward, Thank you for enlightening me and sharing with me.
Kukla, Thank you for being the most awesome sister one could ask for.
MEMBERS: Thank you to each and every one of you. If you are not named here, please don't think its for any other reason but the fact that it would be impossible to name and thank every one. You have all contributed to my growth, old and new. Each and every day.............
Used: Thank you for trusting me..............it is of the utmost privilege to learn that someone trusts me, based soley on my merit. For that I am foreverr grateful. The respect I have for you, words can't even express.
Lisa: What can I say...........I owe you my life. Thank you.
If there is anyone here that has not been mentioned, please know it is not by fault. There are so many to thank. I feel like Sally Field accepting her Oscar at the moment. What was it she said? "You like me, you really like me" Sounds to me that it was the first time in her life that she was honestly validated. This forum, outside of being a Mother, is truly the only place I have ever been validated. I thank each and every member, new and old.
New members, please, please know...............this can be done.
I was happy for many years while married to my husband. I will admit that with all certainty. BUT, I am happier now than I have ever been in my entire life. (who knew) And the only reason for that, is that I have healed. From everything, not just the NPD in my life. And I could have never done it without my Path Forward family. I love you with every fiber of my being. Thank you.
With much love, respect, regard and friendship.
Susan AKA: Sparrow
Goldie: A special thanks to you. For if not for that dreaded Memorial Day weekend, and you being "on line" at the time..............only God knows whether I would have met any of these beautiful people. Talk about being in the right place at the right time..............
You are all forever in my debt. Respectfully.