I just posted a thread (recognizing "normal") that is indirectly about this as well. I am over a year out of the N-relationship and even though I don't obsess, I think that my recovery has only just begun, in many ways. I think the layers of damage that these disordered abusers inflict upon us have to be peeled away one at a time so we can slowly learn and heal ourselves. We expect it to be more immediate than it actually is and question ourselves as a result. And weren't we so well-trained to question ourselves during the narc abuse?? The longer we stayed in the relationships, the harder it is to deprogram.

I don't think you're addicted to the person or the relationship. PErhaps if addiction is your problem, you wer addicted to whatever emotional response INSIDE OF YOU that the narc relationship created. Not having the relationship to trigger your own internal response makes you crave what you think you lost. You should never feel shame or question yourself. And don't look to others for understanding and validation. You're just setting yourself up for more self-doubt. The ladies and gents here know exactly what you've been through and how difficult the road to recovery can be. Trust yourself and don't loose patience.

You truly have not lost anything externally. And you have everything to gain inside of yourself by focusing on healing YOURSELF. It's an investment in yourself, and in time, that will utimately pay off BIG by leading you to more healthy and positive relationships. As hard as it gets, and even though many won't admit it, none of us really ever forget the narc.

I read an interview of Cameron Diaz who said that a good friend comforted her after a painful breakup with these words (paraphrased), "your capacity for pain and sadness are proportionate to your capacity for love and giving" and I think that's very true.

When I have moments of backsliding and resort to my old obsessing (always happens after you have a breakthrough, are feeling great and think you are "over it"), I just ask myself honestly, "Would you want to be back there with him"? I try to feel those old feelings, good and bad and I ALWAYS come to the same conclusion, "No". I don't want to be back in that drama, feeling less-than, ever vigilant of who he is pursuing on the side or when he will next meet someone. I don't want to be back there, not even if he promises to "change". I did that, I went back and it was worse every time. Let yourself think about it, but be honest with yourself; if you could go back, would you?

tinker you're forgetting that this man is a SOCIOPATH. aka the scott petersons of the world. you are lucky to be alive. we all are. we are all lucky "our" N's weren't the murdering kinds. what is there to be addicted to? pain? you have the information, you made it to the sight. you are just prolonging the inevitable.

move on. start now. start TODAY.

Is a defence against feeling. Also n's hone in on our unmet childhood needs so making contact with them is a way of keeping a false hope of returning to a sort of bonded childlike state. When we split we are crushed by two great losses - the loss of trust in our fellow man and our loss of this fantasy figure that will meet all our unmet childhood needs (for mirroring, being unique, wonderful, adored etc).

I still feel psychically attached to my ex although I havent seen her or communicated with her for 8 months or so. But the attachment I feel isn't to her- it's the pain within me that I thought she could take away. The answer I think is grieving and working on getting a deep self acceptance. You sound as though you have doubts about (a) him being a narc or (b) him being someone who will only be an abuser in a relationship, incurable etc. If you have contact with him you won't get over the addiction to him.

I get it

I've been on here a long time and I really struggle with letting go.

I was nc for 9 months and replied to a text to him just afte my mother died and I felt the whole addiction stir within me again. The old saying...one is too many and a thousand never enough is so true.

I am in recovery for a long time from other addictions and so I do know about recovery. The biggest thing is....we have to want to stop.

This sounds obvious but it's actually not so simple.

You see, I wanted the madness to stop, I wanted the pain to stop, the cd to stop, the confusion, but I didn't want to let go of him.

My desperation to be loved kept me hanging on.

For a long time with my exnh I wanted to want to stop. I wanted to want to let go. But actually I wasn't willing.

Once we're willing the rest is easy

This isn't a judgement, I still hold on and still find it so hard to let go of it all.

I try and pray for willingness when I haven't got it...not to a religious god but to a greater power than me or even my own best self, my spiritual self.

This is the hardest thing I have ever done.

I am in recovery from ug and alcohol addiction for almost 20 years, I am in recovery from eating disorders, nicotine etc etc but this is by far the hardest most painful thing I have ever had to do.

Keep coming back.

My shame often keeps me from here because I feel a failure for not feeling strong and free of him. I have learnt to take care of myself most of the time...but not always

A broken heart is so hard to heal. A broken soul takes a little longer

my suggestion is you should find another therapist, one trained well in personality disorders, it is a waste of your time to be with a therapist who doesn't get it, find a strong one, who will shake up your mind and way of thinking, I had some great therapists who did wonders to help me move on.......and as hunter mentioned ,you too must be willing to DO the homework required of you.Also my suggestion is NOT to date any men at all until you are full recovered from the narc, not fair to you or them................