Today has been one of those rollercoaster days. So now 40+ days NC, stopped counting...think this maybe a milestone as can't be arsed to count!!
Today has been a total mind F*ck of finding out stuff I didn't need to know...it just hurts. So not gonna share it as it really doesn't matter.
But the one thing I am adamant about is the fact that I need to understand why I felt I needed him....why I am still, 6 months after the discard started and 40+ days NC having times when I feel doubt, feeling as if some of it might have been me? Maybe if I had done this or this, he would be giving me what I crave? How sad is that? And I have read so may posts on here saying the same...crumbs. I was addicted to it. And now, Trotters is dishing it LARGE to OW, far larger than he ever had to me with me and it hurts like...well you know.
And you know what? I know, beyond a doubt that things happen for a reason. I am in my 40's, have 2 amazing kids and a brilliant job etc...through this forum have met the most inspirational people....who share this common thing, ladies who may never meet but can understand every word you write? So there can't be too much wrong with us. There is always a reason in life that things happen...there are a few things I have learnt since him. To appreciate my family, in particular my kids, my brother, my true true friends, a friend up North who is AMAZING, my work buddies, the sunshine and my laughter. The gift I have been given through this really SHIT and emotionally abusive experience is like having a blindfold with holes in taken off, I could always see some of it, but not all the colour, not all of the picture.
I have also realised that I am worth something....I want to be loved, properly more than anything else. But I know why I have that yearning...and why I was so addicted to Trotters. And so, when I am feeling really down, and really angry and really hurt that he is jetting off into the sunset with Mrs Trotters...that she is welcome to that. What I want now is true, honest, lasting and more than anything real. To be accepted for who I am and nothing less...those are now my firm and honest boundaries, you don't like it? The Foxtrot Oscar, there are going to be a few of my terms from now on. The real watch out is not to fall for it all again. I hope that my N radar doesn't fail me, or should never fail any of my sisters on here....we don't deserve to ever be abused again, in anyway shape or form. Set up your stall and stick by it....understand yourselves and the rest will follow.
Lastly...tomorrow is another day. I might want to fight pillows, I might cry, I might feel indifferent, I might feel it was me, I might want to vomit with the hurt, but I will NEVER want to feel chaos and craziness in my life ever again. Lucky lucky lucky xx
PS I really may feel differently in the morning but hey, going to sleep with a feeling of peace (for once) and wanted to share it with you! Watch out for the angry bitch from hell tomorrow!! ;-))
Thanks by the way, to all of you xx