A long time ago I posted a question regarding the logistics of maintaining LC with my ExN while we both attended the only bar exam review class in the state.
Well, the healthy part of me is happy to report that he never showed up to the class. I never saw him and I don't know (and try not to care) what that means for him and his future. A few people had told me that he had elected to do an entire self-study regimen in order to avoid seeing me. While a part of me is happy if that is true because it eliminates a MAJOR source of stress and distraction for me, the other part of me was absolutely crushed and hurt to hear that he was so opposed to seeing me that he took such a major risk in order to avoid doing so.
Also, the unhealthy part of me that still remains (I am now about 75 days NC) wanted to see him, and I am now very depressed in thinking this was the absolute last thing we shared in common, and the possibility that I may never see him again has now set in.
It's funny, I always sympathized with so many people waiting for the next hoover, and now I see that it was my main objective all along. The last time we ever "spoke" (via text message, of course, as he was never one to give me any closure) I told him to never step foot in my life again. Now that it is a major reality I'm left feeling ashamed, defeated and lonely--exactly the same way I felt every time he let me down.
Perhaps it really was our last goodbye?
Plus it's his birthday today. He is a 31 year-old man child as of 3 o'clock this afternoon.
When does the pain stop?