He Never Showed Up to Bar Review and It's His Birthday Today

He Never Showed Up to Bar Review and It's His Birthday Today
Posted May 23, 2012 - 5:21pm
0

Hello All~

A long time ago I posted a question regarding the logistics of maintaining LC with my ExN while we both attended the only bar exam review class in the state.

Well, the healthy part of me is happy to report that he never showed up to the class. I never saw him and I don't know (and try not to care) what that means for him and his future. A few people had told me that he had elected to do an entire self-study regimen in order to avoid seeing me. While a part of me is happy if that is true because it eliminates a MAJOR source of stress and distraction for me, the other part of me was absolutely crushed and hurt to hear that he was so opposed to seeing me that he took such a major risk in order to avoid doing so.

Also, the unhealthy part of me that still remains (I am now about 75 days NC) wanted to see him, and I am now very depressed in thinking this was the absolute last thing we shared in common, and the possibility that I may never see him again has now set in.

It's funny, I always sympathized with so many people waiting for the next hoover, and now I see that it was my main objective all along. The last time we ever "spoke" (via text message, of course, as he was never one to give me any closure) I told him to never step foot in my life again. Now that it is a major reality I'm left feeling ashamed, defeated and lonely--exactly the same way I felt every time he let me down.

Perhaps it really was our last goodbye?

Plus it's his birthday today. He is a 31 year-old man child as of 3 o'clock this afternoon.

When does the pain stop?

‹ Spring is in the air. Angels In Our Life ›
ThisIsTheEnd's picture

Thank you, so much, to all of

May 24, 2012 - 4:49pm — ThisIsTheEnd

Thank you, so much, to all of you!

Your words always bring such comfort to know that I am not alone in this journey, and that my feelings are normal and necessary to move on.

It is through your caring that I gain strength.

~TITE

gingercat's picture

Here is something to think

May 24, 2012 - 1:03am — gingercat

Here is something to think about......My N was not going to attend bar review classes until I made it just about impossible for him to skip them. Although not a law student I had been his doormat throughout his education at an ivy league, taking care of our son, working, living on next to nothing so he could concentrate on his studies....you get the picture. Years of D&D, listening to his grandiosity, pretending our life was somehow normal. Shortly before graduation I saw a notice about the bar review course in our home state (he already had been hired by a large firm and constantly whined about how imperative it was that he pass the exam) and I was naive enough then to think he had somehow not heard about the review. I realize now that he most likely intended to somehow use 'missing' the review sessions as his reason for not passing the bar should he somehow fail. Because I simply insisted he get to the review and it was just so ridiculous not to attend after investing so much in his education he managed to show up for the sessions, passed the bar easily and I just had to chalk it up to one more of his oddities. Turns out I wasted a large portion of my life on the whole mess because he lasted about three years before trashing all of it. Yep. This would be the year he made partner and he has left us destitute. I know you will find a decent partner (maybe a law partner too!) that is not a narcissist and look back on this part of your addiction with the N as the trap it has been. Think of it like a craving that you can overcome. Do not give in and each time the craving will be less prounounced until you can barely remember why you liked it so much......

gingercat's picture

oops, excuse my spelling. I

May 24, 2012 - 1:07am — gingercat

oops, excuse my spelling. I meant to say less pronounced.

Sparrow's picture

Of course you had mixed

May 23, 2012 - 7:47pm — Sparrow

Of course you had mixed emotions about today. Part of you wanted to see him, while the other part didn't. This is very normal. This too shall pass, trust me.

31 year old man child, that is cute. And very accurate I am sure. They are so immature, yet we excuse it.

The pain stops, but I'm sad to say, not for a little while longer. Stay strong, keep busy, and continue posting.

Congratulations on your endeavors and my best wishes for you and your bar exam! You will do great!

Lucky Escape's picture

Hi

May 23, 2012 - 5:32pm — Lucky Escape

A quick question...someone posted on there recently, think it was one of the MOD's, did the treatment he gave you during the relationship work during and after discard.

So, did your N give you the silent treatment during your relationship?

If so, then that is exadtly what he knows works. If not, then he is calling your bluff...you asked for it so now you need to go to him. EEEUUUW, they are so manipulative. Mine did this kind of shit all the time.

Please don't feel ashamed, you did nothing wrong other can call him on all his shit.

I hope you can see that you need to try and work on why you want him to hoover...it's the addiction thing, I know it too. Know where you are xx

ThisIsTheEnd's picture

Hi LE, I'm not sure I

May 23, 2012 - 5:44pm — ThisIsTheEnd

Hi LE,

I'm not sure I understand exactly what you mean with your question, but I think you're asking me if the way he treated me during and after the discard "worked" --meaning, it kept me hooked. Is that right? If so, yes, we went back and forth at least 8 or 9 times with the same thing happening over and over again: reconnection, understanding, misunderstanding, aggression, D&D, as many have said, wash, rinse, repeat.

And yes, the silent treatment was always his ace in the hole. The last time this happened four months went by after him telling me (by text) never to contact him again, and it wasn't until my friend contacted him to give me back my last few items that he texted me asking to talk. Of course, we reconciled for about a month and a half until he dumped me again for something predictably trivial.

I know it's an addiction. And I just. want. out.

Rising Dawn's picture

You will rise above this

May 23, 2012 - 9:33pm — Rising Dawn

This sounds so familiar...

I completely understand what you are going through. I went round after round with him for 3 years - thinking every time it would be different. Yes, insanity is what it was, expecting a different outcome while doing the same thing over and over.

He was an addiction and he knew it. He knew exactly what to do and say to keep me engaged. Lucky for me, I have a great analyst who's helped me see the light, so I finally decided to go NC for good (1 month today). I am still not over the pain. Just yesterday I wanted to reach out, but I have made up my mind I wouldn't. I let the feelings surface, but I don't act on them. This has worked for me pretty well, surprisingly: I told myself I will accept my emotions for what they are, but I won't do anything to jeopardize my NC state.

Don't get me wrong. I still miss him, and I still secretly await his return to my life (yes, it's delusional), while knowing the whole time he isn't who I thought or wanted him to be. I stupidly felt vindicated 2 weeks ago when he contacted me, but since I never responded, he went silent again. Here I thought he'd come crawling back, but it was just a fishing expedition. I didn't bite, so he's gone again.

I want out too, but I know it's going to take time. The best thing is to not be so hard on yourself. Continue to live your life, one day at a time. Your feelings are completely normal - let yourself experience them and work through them. True transformation comes from real suffering - you will be a better and stronger person after you work through this. If you have access to therapy, I highly recommend it.

Just know that you are a worthy person, you are better than him, and you will be free of him one day. You are already on your way.

phantom adoration's picture

Indeed

May 23, 2012 - 10:55pm — phantom adoration

True transformation comes from real suffering...does this mean I will lose 10lbs?
Seriously a well written post...your words resonate with me. It does take time, 8 months for me since the D and D and 4 NC. Yesterday I was in the car and I just started crying, it lasted about a minute and I stopped...I was so happy it was quick...that's how it goes, you're fine and then you're not. the tears are less and less.
The road to indifference is long and filled with obstacles.
Like you I am never going to contact, never and I never want him in my life. Would I like to know he suffers? You betcha but I am not counting on that. I am only counting on me now.
I love your admission that you secretly await his return...it is delusional. Why would I?
I would just like to go to sleep at night and awake without him in my thoughts. Not there yet but I am better.

phantom adoration's picture

I remember

May 23, 2012 - 8:49pm — phantom adoration

the discussion and concern about your bar exam... many of us were worried about your ability to test while in such close quarters with him. Well he gave you a huge gift and I hope you were not distracted too much by his absence.
I think we all sort of wish we might get hoovered, a bit of confirmation that we mattered. Well, we did not matter.
We do not matter, we will never matter.
Likely his actions are just another manipulation of you, regardless of the cost to him personally. They are invincible..
You have made it this far, stand up be proud and continue on the journey with those of us walking along side.