my newest dilemma

my newest dilemma
Posted May 21, 2012 - 1:37pm
0

Let me start by saying Sparrow posted an entry about her night out with friends and being aproached by a N and his balls.......as I read it, I realized I too have come along way.A week ago I was approached by a guy who years ago had asked for my number....(having no idea about N's).....back then he playd the phone game,so I gave up and eventually met and married my ex N. (I too was in a vulnerable spot having been newly divorced after a 26 yr marriage). So last week he asked for my number again and I told him no...he asked why not...I said you never mentioned you had a gf back then....he said you never asked......I said I shouldn't of had to...no decent man who has a gf asks another woman for her number....he asked again....I told him flat out NO and walked away......feeling good for NOT feeling guily.....as I read sparrows entry I realized how far I have come......
Now my problem.....the man I have been seeing is amazing.....but this past weekend was a very needy one for me, and I am having a little trouble discerning am I just having a needy weekend or is my gut trying to tell me something.
It started Friday night at bf's sons graduation.....his ex was there and made no bones about walking up and hugging him and giving him a kiss.....he did not initiate,but didn't stop her either....that in itself would not normally have bothered me,but given the fact when his younger (but adult) children are around,he doesn't touch me...at all....to the point he will move away from me,, and not engage me much....at one point his arm was around me for a picture and at the last moment he dropped his hand off my shoulder....he said to hide the brochure from the shot...but to me it felt more like not having a picture with his arm around me while celebrating with his younger 2 kids.I walked out of the picture......next day while attending a funeral....I wanted him next to me but he kept inching away to stand next to a couple of hotties in short dresses....he didn't talk to them...but it was clear to me he was trying to inch his way closer each time he shifted his weight...(see...not sure if Friday night left me feeling insecure).....after the funeral I did say something about his ex getting more action then me the night before and it hurt me he treats me like a leper when his 2 youngest are around (they are 21 and 23)...I also mentioned the side stepping to see how close he could get to the young hotties while NOT being by my side....I shared with him I was feeling needy and I didn't like it.....(although on a side note at the funeral he signed the book with both our first names and his last name.....hmmmm...I did mention early on I wasn't perpetual gf material at some point I wanted to marry again)....he didn't apologize, just said he didnt initiate with ex and younger daughter is coming around (and she definatly is)...I said I had my moment, I spoke my peace and I was over it......and I was........then Sunday his uncle accidently called me by my bf,s ex gf,s name.......no biggie....but for some reason all the neediness came back......I held it in check trying to sit with the feelings because bf didn't do anything wrong and didn't
know about the name thing (he was outside and dint hear and I didn't mention it). By the time we got back to my condo though I was almost in tears.....I told bf I needed some cuddle time and he readily complide....he must have known the weekend took its tole because before he left he said next weekend he was going to make a day for just him and I (we spend most of our time together with others from our families because we only see each other on weekends,working different shifts, also he does a lot of projects for others and I help him....not too much alone time)......
He left.....I cried......for the most part he treats me wonderful.....I am just having trouble seperating my feelings of is this the normal trials of a healthy relationship or am I missing something or am I still a little gun shy from damage of ex N or
was it just a needy weekend.....or........ugh.....

Sorry for the novel.....just need a little help on this one....

‹ Help...I want to break NC...only been 3 days.... That Awful Feeling Again ›
Deidre99's picture

while i agree with spinning's

May 21, 2012 - 3:06pm — Deidre99

while i agree with spinning's advice...i don't think we need to accept behavior that makes us feel uneasy, insecure, etc.

i spent too much wasted time feeling this way. as a result, i have some trust issues, and i too, have to be cognizant that i'm not just feeling narc-phobic (everyone must be a narc), or if someone truly is one.

but, his ex embracing him and kissing him. idk. and him inching over to 'the hotties.' cringe.

idk. do all men have ex wives who do this? No. Do all men inch over to be closer to hotties, while in the presence of their SO's? No.

I just think you need to go with your gut, as spinning states. If you find that you're uneasy more often than not, I'd break up with him. Life's too short to put up with sub-par behavior.

This is a hard call, because only you know what you're truly feeling. And you say he's wonderful the rest of the time, so hard to say. But...a general rule of thumb...if you feel uneasy more often than not...

I'd move on. That's probably safe to say.

tynk3377's picture

deidre99

May 21, 2012 - 3:35pm — tynk3377

Thank you for your reply...
Thankfully I DO NOT feel more uneasy than not with him......just the random insecure moments......I try very hard to remember this is ex N damage and NOT my bf.....for the most part if/when I addressed an issue or shared something he has done that has hurt me the behavior is not repeated.....I have worked hard on sitting with my feelings and not reacting until I feel okay with what I am going to say. He for the most part is very receptive and comforts me.
But like I said below to spinning...*I* have trouble sometimes deciding what to address and my fear of it being seen as creating drama.....or am I just feeling a little needy....vulnerable...neglected....and my right to voice it.....
He is a wonderful man and this was the first and only time I was with him in the presence of his ex......she approached him to say hello and also good bye...(hand on the side of his face for the good bye kiss....all for my benefit I am sure)...and like I said...had bf put his arm around me or held my hand....I am sure it wouldn't have bothered me at all....it was mearly the fact his younger 2 kids (21 and 23) were there and he was a little stand offish yet ex got 2 hugs and 2 kisses.....THAT is what caused my bout of neediness and hurt.....but I did address it...so we will see.....

Deidre99's picture

I am glad you shared this. I

May 21, 2012 - 3:43pm — Deidre99

I am glad you shared this. I have dated since my ex N. But, I wasn't ready...and then recently, I dealt with someone who seemed narcish.

So here I sit. Looking at this thread...I need to keep reading it. It's curious to me. How you have come this far. I have come far in a lot of ways in healing, but I admit. I don't trust men. I don't hate men. I'm not a male basher. But, when wishing to date me, I think...what do they want from me, really?

Your guy sounds great. He does.

18 months is a long time you know. So I say to that...kudos. Seriously. I can't make it past two months. ha! Good grief. I am glad you shared this today.

spinning's picture

Dearest tynk...

May 21, 2012 - 2:08pm — spinning

...I think you had a little ego shakeup because of the ex-wife and the embrace.

Please do not compare yourself to any other woman of your bf's. He is with YOU because he likes YOU and YOUR COMPANY, and YOUR COMPANIONSHIP, etc. He thinks enough of YOU to bring you around his kids (and adult kids can be worse in these situations than little kids when it comes to judging Dad's gf).

Please also know that you cannot erase his history with the ex-wife and the kids. That is a huge part of his life and their family dynamic and it's best to just ride with it (unless of course he's making out with his ex or lying to you about their relationship which I doubt because you're there with him and her). I would try not to get too touchy about this. Young adults can really make their parents feel badly about moving onto another relationship. Parents can be really nervous about displaying affection to someone who isn't their child's mother...especially in front of older kids. This has been my experience both as a step-parent and as a woman who is seeing a man who has four daughters ages 17 through 22.

I think you should listen to your gut, which it sounds like you did, and share what troubled you. Then I think you should let it go. He complied with your wishes, he explained, he was gentlemanly from what I can tell and concerned about your feelings.

Tynk, sometimes after the disordered experience we feel like we need some sort of drama just to prove that the relationship is valid or whatever. Sometimes we can create drama where there is none, and we can look for problems...as the old saying goes, if you look for problems you'll probably find them. Listen to your gut, dear Tynk, but make part of that listening be how good you are; how much he likes and cares about YOU. You don't have to be "needy" with him because you're not a needy person and nothing has changed...unless in your heart it truly has.

I hope this helps some, Tynk. I don't think it's much of a dilemma, I just think it's more about how much you are willing to accept when it comes to his kids and his ex-wife. They will always be a part of his life.

Love,
(not) spinning. BUT STILL GROWING AND LEARNING

tynk3377's picture

sweet sweet spinning....

May 21, 2012 - 3:12pm — tynk3377

Thank you so much for your thoughtful and comforting words......of course you are right because he for the most part IS very gentlemanly and sweet....(except when he does some of the usual guy thingys... :)....)

I think part of my problem is...as you said about the drama......there was so much with ex N, that sadly I find I have trouble at times voicing issues or things that hurt me because I DON'T want them to come across as drama.....I think a lot of us on here may find this one hard....where is the line between speaking my peace on being hurt over something and creating drama.

I am proud of myself that I have come far enough to say, this hurt me.....It made me feel needy and/or vulnerable.....but at times I feel it may be looked on as creating drama.....this is not my intent.....I spoke my peace and I let it go.....on Sunday he had no clue until later in the evening....but I also believe he realized that in 3 solid days together, outside of sleeping we had not one minute alone with each other.....
I am also proud to admit that yes I am a woman who enjoys touches and attention from her man.....and if he had it in him 18 months ago to win me....then it should still be present today,and when he becomes a little to involved with himself or others around us,then I have the right to feel a little neglected and *needy*, and be able to say as much without fear of being labeled *creating drama*........
Arghhhh.....its confusing moments like these that I actually hate ex N and the wreckage he left behind.......

Deidre99's picture

I fear I will never be here.

May 21, 2012 - 3:36pm — Deidre99

I fear I will never be here. I'm over the ex N. Over the whole thing.

What I deal with, is my inability to trust anymore. I mean, there are days, when I feel better about that. But, to tell a man my true feelings? About his behavior? Without fear that he is playing some type of headgame with me? I don't think I can do it.

I'm sad typing this. But, in a way, I envy you both. I don't think I'll ever be there.

And what's so sad about it is...I'm ok with that. I don't want to care about a man so much that I feel any of this, ever again. Like I don't mind caring about him from a distance. lol But, what you both speak of here. It takes trust ...trust that someone isn't trying to get over on me again. :(

How did you both get here? Did you just date, and see what happens? lol I sound like I'm learning how to ride a bike for the very first time...oh my.

tynk3377's picture

deidre99

May 21, 2012 - 4:45pm — tynk3377

I knew my bf for 9 yrs as a friend.....he knew all about what I went thru with N.

When he asked me out he made it clear he didn't want to rush...he didn't want to be a rebound...and he said he won't hurt me....the man waited 6 months before I would even kiss him....and that was with dating every weekend (with NO sleep overs) for 6 months......I would say he earned my trust.....doesn't mean he won't make mistakes....and so will I......this weekend I think was a little of his faulty behavior (in MY eyes)....and a bout of insecurity on my part......

I don't know how I got here other than counciling and being diligent about monitering my feelings and my moods and not laying blame at his feet when it doesn't belong there and slowly realizing when I do have a *moment*...he patiently reassures me in his own way.....there fore creating the trust ex N never did.......

Deidre99's picture

People make mistakes. Hmmm. I

May 21, 2012 - 11:18pm — Deidre99

People make mistakes. Hmmm. I like how you say all this. Yes...i must learn to not go into every dating situation wondering if a narc is lurking. Ok...I have hope. Thank you so much. :)

Ps...he sounds really good to you ....I am glad to see.

spinning's picture

Oh, tynk, I surely hope you

May 21, 2012 - 3:25pm — spinning

didn't think I was saying you were creating drama!

I know the insecurity of which you speak. I battle it and work on it daily! I make it my goal, however, not to show it too much to anyone else (including new non-disordered guy) because I don't think that's the quality that attracted him to me.

I know what you mean about the wreckage. I still go down that road with regard to confidence in the new relationship. I am always, always letting it go because if I don't, then I'm creating all sorts of scenarios in my mind that don't serve me well and have the potential to keep me "spinning." Mostly I try to trust my gut and I hope you do that too. In fact, I know you do.

I am glad you have a relationship where you can speak up with no FEAR OF PUNISHMENT! I am learning that too...but it's still a work in progress for me. I think it's healthy to be able to discuss those things with your partner (i.e. the wife embrace, the hotties,) I'm just saying if he gave you an honest response then you have a choice to accept it and let it go or ruminate on it. I say this because I face these same choices!

Tynk, I think you are doing great and I think this new relationship has a lot of potential for you. I hope it makes you feel good way more often than it makes you feel bad or needy or insecure...to me that is the true barometer.

Gosh I'm sorry if it appeared I thought you were creating drama! My sister always reminds me of this when I talk about my new relationship...sometimes I look for problems where there are none and I was just trying to pass that along cause in my case she's right sometimes! !!

Love,
(not) spinning. AND STILL LEARNING AND GROWING

tynk3377's picture

spinning

May 21, 2012 - 3:55pm — tynk3377

Not at all did I take it that way......just thought it opened a new path on which we all walk now......when do we speak our peace and its NOT creating drama.....

Huggs and love to you.....

bluegirl's picture

Met mine through a friend,

May 22, 2012 - 11:56pm — bluegirl

Met mine through a friend, who has been beating herself up about it every since.