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Do they get more hostile once they know you're done?
TheOldTaboo
Member since:
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1 year 9 weeks
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1 year 1 week
Do they get more hostile once they know you're done?
Posted May 21, 2012 - 2:04pm
I'm currently living with my boyfriend. Our lease is up at the end of July, and I told him last month I wanted to end the relationship and part ways completely. He has pleaded with me to give him another chance, and when I tell him no, he gets vicious. This past weekend was the worst it has ever been. Here's a few gems from the past two days:
"Fuck you, bitch. I hate you".
"Good luck finding another man willing to put up with your three dogs".
"You are totally crazy. I hope you know it".
"So, since we're splitting up, I can just go out to the bar tonight and get laid, right"?
"Oh, you're so perfect aren't you? I'm such a horrible person, huh? Well you stayed with me. I haven't been all bad. You're so dramatic".
"You think you're so smart. Well I'm smarter than you".
I would stay with a friend, but we have dogs together, and I know he isn't going to care for them while I'm gone. I can't legally kick him out, since his name is also on the lease. I asked him to move out, and he shrugged and said, "you're stuck with me". I'm at my wits end with this guy, and need to get away from him. His behavior is worsening, and I'm on edge all the time. He hasn't tried anything physical with me, but after his temper flared this past weekend, I don't trust that he won't. He seems frantic.
I can't afford to move into a new place right now (I'm in school, and work part time). Is there a way I can interact with this guy to keep things relatively peaceful when he's here, until I can figure out a way to move out?
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We are not certified mental health professionals and this site and message board is in no way a replacement for professional therapy, legal or medical advice.
get out
May 21, 2012 - 6:29pm — TruthbeginsTodayJust agreeing....GET OUT and SAY nothing about leaving or being upset. Ihope he isn't monitoring your computer ...I later found out that he was. Also if you are on same cell account he can track you by GPS. A smart phone needs toahve the battery removed to kill the GPS..turning it off won't work. BE SAFE.
Mine escalated at this point and I was not prepared. I was shocked by the fact that he already had plans to harm me.
Contact a shelter and ask for advice or help.
Get out
May 21, 2012 - 3:58pm — rosedewittbukaterplease try and find a way. They become really nasty once they know you have unmasked them. At this point there is no longer any reason to pretend or keep up the "facade" and when you are the one doing the dumping then they sometimes even try and find a way to reel you back in only to dump YOU, and in a really hateful and ugly way. "The dog that barks last wins the fight" - trust me when I tell you that is how they think.
a Women's shelter, a friend or relative. Possible you might have to separate from the pups for a little while but you can reunite with them once you get back on your feet. I know it's hard.
I understand about the dogs. I would never leave mine.
Peace, Rose
"then they sometimes even try
May 21, 2012 - 5:08pm — Ambrosia"then they sometimes even try and find a way to reel you back in only to dump YOU, and in a really hateful and ugly way. "The dog that barks last wins the fight" - trust me when I tell you that is how they think."
This ^^^ is what I think about a lot.
Personally I would try and avoid interacting with him at all.
May 21, 2012 - 3:30pm — TigerlilyYour situation sounds dangerous to me, I would personally grab the dogs and run - to a woman`s shelter, to a friend. Or find one friend to care for the dogs and another to stay with. Or put the dogs in a kennels for a while and just do a bunk. N`s tend to escalate out of all proportion when they sense control slipping.
If these are not an option for you: - Move into the guest room or onto the sofa or to a friends and sneak in and feed and walk the dogs when he`s not there.
Avoid him particularly at getting-up and going to bed time.
If your paths do cross, learn to be bright, fuzzy, friendly and hard of hearing. Fail to understand why he`s cross, if he is, and throw in a bit of gaslighting yourself (words that don`t fit in the sentence or illogical statements. Confuse him a little, but above all, stay friendly.
I was in this situation too, I alternated my time between three friendly sofas until I got a flat. And it was a rabbit I was sneaking back to care for.
Please be very careful, I personally think you ought to make a run for it, get help and rescue the dogs later.
Thinking of you.
Tigerlily
Tigerlily, thank you for your
May 21, 2012 - 3:48pm — TheOldTabooTigerlily, thank you for your advice. I think your suggestion is probably the best course of action. We have different work schedules, so it is possible for me to sneak home throughout the day to walk and feed the dogs. I do have several friends I can stay with, so the options are there.
I``m relieved to hear that, I`m a little worried about you.
May 21, 2012 - 4:29pm — TigerlilyMake sure PLENTY of people know what`s going on and are ready and able to jump in and protect and support you at a moment`s notice. And don`t tell him titty. Keep it secret until you`re ready to roll, then roll right away and never look back.
Plan every last detail and keep on being fuzzy, friendly, bright, confusing and non-committal right to the last moment. When everything is safe, jump!
Good luck, thinking of you. Tigerlily
Ok, just an update! I was
May 21, 2012 - 4:59pm — TheOldTabooOk, just an update! I was able to find a place to stay with my dogs until July, starting this upcoming Friday. I have a few days to get through here, but like you suggested, Tigerlily, I will be as friendly and fuzzy as possible when he's around. Thanks again for all your input. I wouldn't know how to navigate this situation if it weren't for you guys.
Excellent
May 21, 2012 - 6:27pm — HunterExcellent
YIPPEE! I'm so
May 21, 2012 - 5:46pm — wshglad to hear that. Now.....PLEASE do not let him know where you & the dogs are staying. I think this guy could go off in a heartbeat!
Stay strong & please stay SAFE!
If you want out you get out..
May 21, 2012 - 2:47pm — HunterIf you want out you get out..
I've read in this one post 2 excuses ., 3 dogs ??
I have a dog .. a dog is very expensive .. You have three??
What are you going to go in July??
I love my dog but humans shod always come first ..
Food for thought !!
Hunter
I work for a rescue
May 21, 2012 - 2:57pm — TheOldTabooI work for a rescue organization, and what can I say? I love dogs. I brought two of them into the relationship when we moved in together. The third dog is his, but he has told me he isn't taking his dog with him when we move, and there is no way I'm taking her to the pound, so she is definitely staying with me.
Since you love dogs too, I'm sure you understand. I'm not going anywhere without them.
If heat beats the shit out
May 21, 2012 - 3:53pm — HunterIf heat beats the shit out of you or kills you.. Those dogs will then be in a worse situation..
Better yet he knows you love those dogs .. . Maybe he'll take his anger out the dogs.,
My dog gets very upset when voices get raised in my house hold .. He runs under the bed and hides .. I'm Italian and sometimes we get loud.,
If you work for a rescue organization then I'm sure you know how to save the dogs..
Sorry.. It's about priorities .. Excuses don't work here.
Hunter
Looking back at your post,
May 21, 2012 - 2:40pm — Deidre99Looking back at your post, damn. End of July is a long time to be living with this psycho. Seriously.
Ugh, I feel for you, here.
He is 'frantic' because he is losing control. You ended things. I find that there are two types of scenarios with these types that I've seen:
* if we do the breaking up, they go frantic, and typically become vengeful. RARELY (but there are exceptions)...will a narcissist give silent treatment if he/she was the one dumped
* if we are the ones dumped by THEM, they often implement the silent treatment.
All about control. The one who ends it, IN THEIR EYES, has the most control. So, they tend to freak out, when we decide we don't want to play in their sandbox of games anymore.
My ex was exactly this way. I did the breaking up. Not to say there's a hard and fast rule with them, but from the stories I have read here, and on other sites, the person who does the breaking up, is seen as having the 'upper hand' to them.
I'd say they hoover if they were dumped or did the dumping. They are into equal opportunity hoovering! yea baby! hahahaha
Hang in there. I am sad you have to stay til the end of July with this loose canon. :(
VERY TRUE! When
May 21, 2012 - 5:38pm — wshI told mine I filed for divorce & wanted him out, his response was (screaming) "Oh sure - YOU can get a divorce any time YOU want because YOU have money & I DON'T, so YOU have all the POWER & YOU are IN CONTROL." I very quietly said "so.....you don't really care about me or the marriage, you just care about loosing MY MONEY & not having control?" He screamed "FUCK YOU" & left. Not that it was the last I heard from him, but that first reaction really proves what's being said here. (Sort of like the "you're fired" - "you can't fire me, I quit" scenario -same control-freak crap).
I really wish I had
May 21, 2012 - 3:06pm — TheOldTabooI really wish I had understood more how they tend to react when they're dumped before I had a conversation with him about wanting to leave. Hopefully I can figure out a new living situation soon, because you're right - living with him until the end of July is going to be a nightmare.
Anyway, this site has been a Godsend. Just being able to vent about all of this with women who understand how deranged these dudes get makes it much easier to process all the steps involved in extracting yourself from the relationship.
Never tell....
May 21, 2012 - 2:27pm — DawnWinsThe last thing a person does is tell their N they're leaving, and now you know why.
My N keeps referring to his "surprise" LOL, I said if you would have known, I wouldn't be getting the hoover right now.
Stay safe and get safety plans in place now that your N knows that you are leaving, trust me, you are NOT safe. {{hugs}}
The true sign of someone's
May 21, 2012 - 2:13pm — Deidre99The true sign of someone's character, is how they react during a break up. Or some other negative event. If they resort to name calling, revenge, etc...that's pretty much a tell tale sign, that he/she WON'T change.
I will change, I promise give me another chance.
What? You won't give me another chance? Well, screw you, whore!
I mean...really?
I'm starting to think that narcissists/sociopaths/psychopaths all think us normal empathetic folks are just plain old stupid. lol
But, this one sounds like he could get vicious, once you leave...yes. Mine did. To be honest, the months following the breakup were worse than the relationship, with how he sought to smear my reputation. How he insulted me, baited me to call him, only to hang up on me...or insult me.
Once you leave, NC, as it always is...will be your only saving grace. I highly recommend changing your number after you move out. Good luck with your situation. Kudos for ending this abusive relationship!
This would be quite comical if it wasn't so true!
May 21, 2012 - 2:30pm — Layla"I will change, I promise give me another chance.
What? You won't give me another chance? Well, screw you, whore!"
Hahaha! That describes these clowns alright!
; )
love~ Layla
hehe yep! it's funny in an
May 21, 2012 - 2:49pm — Deidre99hehe yep!
it's funny in an ironic way, because when you don't understand the disorder, you really get all caught up in this word play of theirs.
once you get the key to the vault...you're halfway there. it still is far from easy to deal with them, but understanding that the disorder is so pervasive...so engrained...it helps to know, it ain't us!
NEVER tell a PD what you plan to do.
May 21, 2012 - 2:10pm — LaylaNever tell them what you are thinking or feeling either. You do not know the gravity of what his personality disorder is, he could be AsPD along with N, then there is NO TELLING what he will do.
There is NO WAY to live cordially with a PD. I know plenty of people that have worked full time and pulled a full coarse load at school....and not to mention single moms working and raising a family- NOTHING more challenging than that, I can assure you.
When you are sick enough of his shit, you'll get away from him, no matter what it takes.
love~ Layla
Thanks for your response. I'm
May 21, 2012 - 2:23pm — TheOldTabooThanks for your response. I'm looking at a short term rental today - hoping the landlord will allow pets. This is such an insane situation I've gotten myself into with this guy. I got so sucked into all of it. Never again!
I think that's your best bet ToT,
May 21, 2012 - 2:27pm — spinningbecause otherwise this guy will have two months to prolong his D & D of you.
You don't need that. It won't serve you.
The sooner you can go NC, the better. Truly.
Love,
(not) spinning. NO WAY. NEVER EVER AGAIN
You are not alone here.
May 21, 2012 - 2:26pm — LaylaAll of us here got sucked into the madness. Getting away from him and going NC will put you in a much better place mentally and physically.
love~ Layla