Why the relationship failed

neverlookback

Member since:
2 years 37 weeks

Last activity:
18 weeks 1 day

Posted May 20, 2012 - 9:32am

I asked myself that question a few days ago, well we all know the obvious reason, but never never did the psycho tell me why it failed - lets see now oh now I remember - "I cant do this anymore" was a comment he made a few weeks before it was over - mmmmm cant do WHAT anymore? ACT? is that what you "cant do anymore" ??? But never never was there a logical narrative on his part - "you are too needy, "its just not working for me anymore", "you have too many issues of insecurity", those seem to be the popular explanations they give when they get bored and want to move on to other supply and new enablers - If you stop and remember what their reasons were for wanting out and ending it, it had absolutely NOTHING to do with what a real loving relationship is all about, and there is a reason for that - because it was never a real loving relationship to begin with.

I will always remember that "I CANT DO THIS ANYMORE" - thats because your facade, persona and con is up with me - so move on to someone else who will believe it as I once did - go put on a shiny new mask and go be a different person to someone else - that is what all your relationships are - of course it ends when you simply "CANT DO IT ANYMORE"

Another unfriend

July 19, 2012 - 1:31pm — Canada

I unfriended him ten days after he sent a harassing email posing as OW from her Gmail account, trying to start a cat-fight between us, I guess.

We had it out via email after a week of ST because he saw my status update which read "Just received a very funny stalker email." And since he WROTE the email, he got very angry.

When he did not respond to my last email simply stating that his actions were inappropriate, I simply deleted him without a word.

And in that action, I proved the concept that actions speak louder than words. BUH BYE.

At the end I unfriended him

July 19, 2012 - 12:37pm — Narcbait

At the end I unfriended him on FB and told him I needed space (after he began devaluing me, yet again). I told him I wanted more from him, and he wasn't meeting my expectations.

He said "I'm sorry I couldn't be more to you."

BULLSHIT.

What he really meant was "I'm sorry YOU can't be more to ME. You are cramping my style by being sensible and having expectations... this is supposed to be about ME."

"I can't be myself around you

July 19, 2012 - 12:32pm — owenjohnston

"I can't be myself around you anymore"

This confused me so much at the time. Now i know EXACTLY what it meant :)

Same line I got. Then he

May 22, 2012 - 9:36am — SkinnyBuffalo

Same line I got. Then he added, "I don't know what I will do without you. It's just so hard to start over with a new person. It takes so much time and energy." WTF?

I got stuck on the "I can't do this anymore. You have hurt me so much and I have cried too many tears. I deserve better than you. Someone who will love me for me, and not what I can give them. You used me."

SHEER PROJECTION!!!

Yes, I'm sure it was sheer torture to be with me. Trying to keep up the act while he enjoyed having his every wish be my command - he didn't even have to ask. Even a man without a conscience would have trouble looking in the mirror.

Skinny don't you worry about

May 22, 2012 - 10:26am — LoserFree

Skinny don't you worry about what he sees in the mirror.....

Rest assured they are cruel mirrors he looks at everyday of his pathetic life!!!

He hates himself as he should!!!!

LoserFree

That is exactly the words my

May 21, 2012 - 7:32pm — Journey

That is exactly the words my narc said to me! How I wish I knew at the time about this forum to help me figure out all the bullshit I spent a full year afterwards trying to reason.

Journey

May 21, 2012 - 7:53pm — neverlookback

This seems to be the most popular explanation on their part in why they want out of the relationship - "I CANT DO THIS ANYMORE", if it wasnt so damn funny it would almost be sad wouldnt it? We discovered so many things they simply couldnt do didnt we?

I was a failed plan...

May 21, 2012 - 3:40pm — Reason2Believe

I forgot to mention that Wanna B wrote on FB "Time for a new plan"....and then he was on to NS that day.
To him, I and now NS, are plans. Obviously his "plan" with me failed. I wish him the best of luck with his "new plan". Yuck, what a azzwipe.

Reason

They analyse, plot and plan

May 21, 2012 - 3:46pm — Lucky Escape

They analyse, plot and plan months in advance.....robotic and analytical...even mine moved that way sometimes. They assess everything in terms of what will be good/bad supply - good while it's good and even when it's bad I'll take as it still feeds me. UUUGH!

And don't waste your wishes on him....he doesn't even deserve that....his plan with you DID fail because you saw through it....his new plan will go the SAME way....some time, very very soon, we won't care whether it succeeds or fails.

I hate them. God, if Witches of Eastwick was real they would be in a WHOLE lot of trouble!!!

You are so right

May 21, 2012 - 4:13pm — Reason2Believe

a few weeks after the final D&D, I made the mistake of going onto his FB. I am not into FB and had never even looked at his page during the past years.Curiousity got to me. Bad choice, but I was not aware of NC.
Anyway, I noticed back in Nov he was flirting with a tart. It was very random, but highly suggestive flirting(on both of their postings). In a January post, he writes that he is "considering giving up a long time friend". A month later, I am history. 6 weeks later, he announces his "new plan" and agressively starts posting to NS (same tart as in Nov). They are now a couple.

I do wish him well-the longer she is with him, the longer it will be until he tries to worm his way back to me. I am now completely NC and there is NFW I will ever go back.

Every once in awhile the thought of "you were with HIM???" flashes through my brain and I get the shivers.
F'n a-hole.

Reason

If at any time I doubt

May 21, 2012 - 3:35pm — Reason2Believe

that it was a disordered relationship-I will just remind myself that healthy, normal r/s do NOT end abruptly with lame-asssed excuses. When a normal r/s is experiencing problems, the two ADULTS, discuss the problem and try to resolve the issues. This involves the two individuals working together and a reasonable amount of time.

My disordered r/s abruptly ended, without warning, in a 4 minute telephone call that was peppered with bullshit cliche's and lame excuses. That was the "respect" I was afforded after 7 years.

There is no doubt.

Reason

Trying to remember the many reasons he gave me

May 21, 2012 - 1:51pm — Grymel

1. You changed (began to see his mask)
2. I found some new entertainment (OW)
3. There is only on TV set and you don't have internet at home (sorry no porn for you)
4. You don't love my son (I found out he existed 3 months before D&D)
5. I can't talk to you
6. You always want things to go your way
7. You argue too much
8. You never cook for me, you don’t do my laundry, and this house is too messy (Got tired of being his slave)
9. Your kids make too much noise

And my favorite, “You are a good woman but...” I asked him again what he meant by that, his reply; "if you sleep with me I will tell you"

Thanks to this forum now I know what he meant …"scramble eggs”.

"They may take our lives, but they'll never take our freedom!"- Braveheart
Grymel

"What would you like me to say? This just isn't going to work"..

May 21, 2012 - 5:55pm — HelpMeHeal

That was it. No explanation. Nothing.

Fat, bald, bloated tick

May 21, 2012 - 1:10pm — Reason2Believe

needed to finally end the 7 year ride because he realized that he just could not keep up with me. I am kind,loving, honest, reliable, trustworthy, healthy, fit, successful, friendly,giving,likeable and respected. He is not.

Maybe it was too many people telling him how wonderful I am and how lucky he was to have someone like me. Ironically, no one ever said the same about him to me.

Reason

Why my relationship failed narc ways

May 21, 2012 - 3:38am — aceonelady

Mine told me,quote:I have the right not to be happy around you...And :You are too much work.And:i don't feel like doing anything with you...and :If i am not with someone ortrying to be with someone ,i have not much to say,really...And:You are a PowerBunny...

Omg! I got that too... " I

May 21, 2012 - 3:07am — eyeswideopen35

Omg! I got that too... " I can't do this anymore" and " I just need to know if we are right for each other, ATM it's not clear". " I just need some time to be by myself, too sort out what I want".

I guess he worked out we were not right fr each other, since I haven't heard from him since he walked out of our marriage!

Eyes, xo

poor narc-boy is EXHAUSTED!

May 21, 2012 - 3:00am — no more an echo

Hi neverlookback,

Great topic!...Of COURSE they 'Can't do it anymore'! THEY'RE EXHAUSTED!

It must be so DRAINING to have to REMEMBER all of their LIES and fabrications!

They must be WORN OUT constantly seeking new supply!

They are so very WEARY of spackling the cracks in their face masks!

Hiding the fact that they barely have a working conscience is tuckering them out!

Feigning interest in you is WEARING on them!

Pretending they have even a smidgen of empathy is energy-sapping!

Living a double life is fatiguing!

They're overburdened with hiding their porn use and/or juggling other lovers!

They're simply frazzled with all the mental games they HAVE to play to create all the drama and chaos they feed on!

JEEZE! Give the boy a BREAK, would you?

But what REALLY motivates them? Protecting their fragile, hugely inflated egos, of course! And they HAVE to 'dump you' BEFORE you're on to them- because they FEAR rejection and abandonment most of all. So, when you start questioning their stories and maybe asserting your wishes and opinions in the quasi-relationship, IT IS TIME FOR THEM TO EXIT!

But because they HAVE to view themselves as 'good guys' (remember, IMAGE is EVERYTHING to these weasels!) they NEED to make the demise of the relationship YOUR fault.

Feel sorry for the pathetic NarcoPath. We learn, grow, CHANGE and MOVE ON with our experiences. They are stuck with their sick, disordered selves, FOREVER doomed to gaze at their distorted reflections.

Yep, this is them

July 19, 2012 - 11:43am — TruthbeginsToday

Great post!

LOVE THIS!!!!!!!!

May 22, 2012 - 8:28am — brinamarie

LOVE THIS!!!!!!!!

WOW

May 21, 2012 - 6:13pm — neverlookback

This was very powerful - there was nothing you missed!!! Thank you x0x0

NME

May 21, 2012 - 3:32am — Lucky Escape

I could bloody well hug you right now!! just posted on Narc Arrogance, wish I had read this before!!!

Exhausted is exactly it!!!! And yet, they seem to be able to get the spring back in their step and the facade of happiness mightily quick!!

Life for them is MUCH easier when they have fresh supply to feed on - the things they have learnt from us they assimulate and use with even greater skill......God forbid we actually leave them......

Trotters actually put on his dating profile, "With a new job and a fresh spring in my step I am looking for someone to share the journey"!!! this was put on the day after he left!

Amazing how quickly they can recover???

Lightbulbs NME....thankyou thankyou thankyou....."they are so weary of spackling the cracks in their masks!!! Brilliant, you are bang on.

Drama and chaos, how soon will it be before NS cottons on and what will he do to trigger it? WHO BLOODY CARES??!!! Not my shit to deal with anymore....lucky, lucky escape.

I've had enough...

May 21, 2012 - 1:29am — Lucky Escape

was what I got!! Coupled with "You don't make me happy", "You have treated me like shit" and "I settled for you" with a healthy dose of "2 weeks away from you and I know what I want, and it's not you, I want someone who respects me" - had got NS/Ideal OW by this stage - translation "2 weeks away from you and I have found someone who believes my BS and is adoring me no end"!!!

Ooh, and a bit of "I was happy 90% of the time but I deserve 100%" and "we are compatible in many ways" in one breath to "we are only compatible in bed"!!!

Makes me so angry when I write this....cruel, sadistic assholes - all through this and I was spinning like a top.

i would get

May 21, 2012 - 12:11am — flowers

'i'm so fed up!'
i guess it means almost the same thing as 'i can't do it anymore'
and i used to think, fed up of what? of me? of us?

NLB

May 20, 2012 - 4:56pm — onwithmylife

great post because I remember him saying in a letter,mind you he had already moved to another state, that it was too exhausting to have a relationship with me, WTF?? He was not even with me, but I think at that point he was getting tired of wearing his mask and wanted to get rid of it and reveal the ugly real self,pathetic moron............

I just thought of something else

May 21, 2012 - 6:56pm — neverlookback

onwithmylife - I also was in another state and the lazy piece of fake crap couldnt even keep up the facade 2 hours away lol no wonder he managed to maintain it for 5 years with phone calls proclaiming his undying love and urgency for me (as he was rolling his eyes over the phone) he just "couldnt do it anymore" gee, I wasnt even worth the effort of a persona on the other end of a phone line - thats about as easy as it can get you psycho I must have been WAYYYYYYY out of his league so he just ran away - piece of shit loser

I remember it so well my

May 20, 2012 - 4:31pm — chris53

I remember it so well my stupid ass Ex-Narc use to tell me those famous words " I can't do this anymore" I just got to the point when I hear say this to me I tell myself here we go again! now it doesn't matter anymore he can tell this to his new OW now! :-)

Funny, I can't answer that

May 20, 2012 - 2:44pm — Belle de jour

Funny, I can't answer that question, too. At first it was his issues. I came to his life at a critical stage, he was going through stuff he couldn't handle (yeah right, obviously 'stuff' was ok when he met OW). Then, he said he didn't love me the way I deserved or the way I loved him but he never wanted us to break up. Now, I don't even ask myself anymore. Because no matter how hard I tried nothing that made sense came up. No clear answer from his part.

Funny, I also heard

May 20, 2012 - 2:31pm — wsh

many times "I can't do this anymore" - but ONLY when I wanted to discuss a problem/conflict/difference of any kind & wouldn't back down when he told me he "didn't want to discuss it" (or worse, "get over it") NEVER did any issue ever get resolved. He even told me he "hates the word resolution" - he equated it with "losing". DUH. So when I finally told him one lovely spring morning over a year ago that I filed for divorce & wanted him OUT (my house so I got the pleasure of booting HIM) he wanted to know "why" so I told him "Because I JUST CAN'T DO THIS ANYMORE"

See? There IS karma - what goes around, comes around asshole!

Oh.. Besides the pms.. "you

May 21, 2012 - 4:18pm — beautifulmess

Oh.. Besides the pms.. "you are a stick in the mud" "boring" " good luck finding anyone to put up with you and your kid" ohhh and "It hurts too much"!!

WSH...I think we may have been

May 20, 2012 - 8:01pm — OneDay@aTime

With the same guy! Here is an excerpt from an IM conversation before I went NC. Notice he is telling me to get over it, admits the song narcissus boy that I sent him by Alanis sounds like him because he hates resolution and would rather run for the door, etc...

X P/N: can i say i really like the song get over it by okay go.. not for any meaning.. but i just like the song
http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=3BxfpbyV-uc
especially like 2:02 and the lyrics that follow

Me: but just by the title it is almost same implication of get over being hung up on somebody that you used to know...is that it?

X P/N: that's how i initially found it but i like it more then the meanings of the words

Me: body like a battle ax...no idea what that means
yeah, dont really understand the words that he is saying...but its an okay song

X P /N: And it has one of the best lines ever: “You got a body like a battle axe”!!!! That is up there with Van Halen’s line (“Only time will tell if we’ll stand the test of time”) that signifies the complex temporality of the event of the relationship versus the agonistic durability of love. The ‘body like a battle axe’ line is vaguely Proustian in its invocation of a weapon that cuts to describe a bodily form that pierces one’s libido, plus there is the indexical semiotic pun of the actual physical outline of a battle axe (think ‘savage hour glass’) looking like a shapely female form.

Me: thats deep

X P/N: sure is

Me: seems a bit too deep for the guy singing the song...doubt that was his
meaning

X P/N: it's no cuts like a knife lyric but...

Me: cuts like a knife?

X P/N: cuts like a knife... oooh but it feels alright
i don't know what song that was from but how blatently can you be in saying cuts like a knife
cuts like a monopoly board
http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=6VZhSkREYBc

Me: yeah...pretty literal...

X P/N: but body like a battle axe is awesome

Me: i really like this song by alanis morisette...again, like you, not for the meaning...just for the pain i hear in her voice...it was actually in a book i was reading...but i love the angst
http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=yP5bEnJBx2k
i am still not sure i understand the body like a battle axe unless it is saying her body is so good that she can kill you with it, just like a battle axe? or she uses her sexuality as a means to get a guy to keep coming back? not sure...but it is an interesting line

X P/N: sounds like me

Me: you dont sound a thing like

X P/N: who she is talking about narcissus... refusing to resolve conflict
running for the door

X P/N: cause i don't realy feel any emotion coming or pain coming from her
it's very up beat

Me: not at all

X P/N: oh it is

Me: well, not in my interpretation
reminds me of you oughtta know
she is angry, wouldnt call it upbeat
but it isnt a ballad either

X P/N: seems upbeat

Me: how did you hear the other song? seems kinda punk rockish...didnt know you were a fan?

X P/N: i like ok go
looked over get over it

Me: oh, just never saw them in your library or any of your cd's in the car...didnt know...

X P/N: I find the alanis song very funny
cause either i am not the only boy that acts like i do... or you are not the only girl that views boys the same way she does

Me : well, the song had no meaning to me, like get over it doesnt for you...but the world is full of narcissists..that whole album was for that guy she was dating that was on full house...she wrote you oughta know about him as well...
dont remember his name, but the ugly one
no idea why she was with him

X P/N: no idea... but him and i should be friends
http://en.wikipedia.org/wiki/Dave_Coulier

Me: thats him

This should erase any doubts that these predators don't all play from the same playbook!!!

high five for you! :-)

May 20, 2012 - 4:19pm — chris53

high five for you! :-)

The toaster oven wasn't

May 20, 2012 - 11:24am — LoserFree

The toaster oven wasn't making perfect toast for them anymore.

You wouldn't explain to your toaster oven why you need to throw it away and get a new one, would you?

That's what we were to them....Nothing more than a replaceable object!!

LoserFree

well I dont know LoserFree....

May 20, 2012 - 11:38am — neverlookback

I may be having a serious discussion with my household appliances before I discard them lol I will at LEAST tell them I am so sorry you just werent working right anymore after I pushed all your buttons and I have to discard you in the heap of trash in front of my house for garbage day -

I will always know and remember when I go to replace anything in my home that doesnt work anymore that this was the REAL reason why the relationship failed with this psycho - wonder if that will trigger my ptsd in years to come?.... nah I will just remember what a sick F he was

A sick F he was and STILL

May 20, 2012 - 11:42am — LoserFree

A sick F he was and STILL IS!!! Don't ever forget that!!!!!

LoserFree

Yes I overlooked that

May 20, 2012 - 11:52am — neverlookback

didnt I? I referred to "was" as past tense as our relationship is - who ever he is a sick F with now is no longer my concern but YES your right there is no past tense of calling them sick, it is past, current, present and in the future until they die - in fact that is the only time they are cured and will stop being SICK F's - WHEN THEY ARE DEAD and even those he destroyed will read his obit and say, Man he was one sick F

And that, NLB, is when I will

May 20, 2012 - 12:08pm — LoserFree

And that, NLB, is when I will truly rejoice to the heavens!!
Knowing he is in a pit of fire for all eternity!!!

LoserFree

translation ...

May 20, 2012 - 11:13am — Emva

'I can't do this any more" = "I don't want to do this any more". There's no question of them even putting in the effort, is there?

"I don't want to do this any

May 20, 2012 - 12:03pm — Looking Ahead

"I don't want to do this any more." Those are the EXACT words my exN used shortly before the final D&D.

but here is the irony of it all

May 20, 2012 - 1:08pm — neverlookback

they are STILL doing it, only to someone else - wonder when they will actually STOP DOING THIS to everyone? NEVER - this toy is broken mommy, I dont want to play with it anymore so it goes in the chest with all the other broken toys - when I pushed the button on the back of the head the doll told me to go fuck myself - its not a nice toy and I never did anything wrong to it - it was the toys fault - when I get a new toy I admire it, give it lots of attention and its my favorite toy in all the world, I even sleep with my new toy - We are all Andy's from TOY STORY that was packed up in a box to be dumped or no wait we were the crazy neighbor kid SID that TORTURED his toys - I used to like that cute movie too -

I wish mine would have

May 20, 2012 - 2:14pm — Monarch

I wish mine would have actually said, "It's not working for me anymore." I would have then left. He dangled me instead. I tried desperately to get him to "end" it. HE never would. He wanted to put me into the toy box where he knew I'd be there for him to "toy" with if he got bored with his shinier toys.

BTW, the song "When She Loved Me," sung by Jesse in Toy Story 2 is what my narc did to me. He threw me under his bed and forgot about me until he happened to stumble upon me on FB. He played with me again and then put me in a box to be tossed. To them, we truly are objects to be played with until we break.

http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=2cdyBbS7rcI

That is so true, that how I

May 20, 2012 - 10:37pm — chris53

That is so true, that how I had felt when my Narc was tired of his new toy and when he happen to come across me ( his old toy ) and decided to play me for a little until he got tired of me and toss me back under the bed for later use and abuse. well guess what this old toy finally got tired of the abuse and said "The hell with this" and crawled out from under the bed dusted myself off and walked out the door to find a new life where there is no abuse only but real love. :-)

That is so true, that how I

May 20, 2012 - 4:50pm — chris53

This site is helping me do

May 20, 2012 - 7:50pm — Monarch

This site is helping me do that too, Chris. : )

OMG

May 20, 2012 - 2:51pm — neverlookback

I dont know why I cried when I watched this video - I cried because we are not toys, we are people, REAL LIVING PEOPLE but yet this is how we were treated and the experience of living thru something like this has changed me forever - left in a box labeled "donations" -

Ok so now what happens to all these broken toys they threw away? Well like the movie we go on to serve a better purpose but mostly to ourselves - we discover we were never broken as a reason for them to throw us away - it was THEM that was broken from the day they entered our lives - the big difference in the movie was her owner simply got older and grew up, ours get older but they dont grow up or change they keep wanting new toys to break - and such is the life of a psychopath - what a profound way to look at what happened to us, this really touched me today x0x0

Neverlookback

May 20, 2012 - 4:29pm — Monarch

I can see why your narc wanted you. You're brilliant. I love how you see things. I always love your posts. You have amazing insight and introspection. So, so far from the dark, empty soul of a narc. Smiles.

Is this actually you in this pic?

May 20, 2012 - 5:19pm — neverlookback

WOW, how could anyone get tired of such a beautiful lovely toy? And not want to cherish and keep it forever - Just so you know that is not me and that is not my butt - lol They break this most beautiful amazing toys some in which they will never find again. I think that is why most of them end up so alone at the end of their lives -

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