He'll be okay, right?

He'll be okay, right?
Posted May 20, 2012 - 9:40pm
0

So, the long and short of it is: he's jobless, carless, phoneless, and now...homeless. The job isn't my fault. And really, neither is the home situation. His brother just got sick of taking care of him with him losing his job in November, and then not getting a new one until February, which is lost 3 weeks later. I say lost. Let me rephrase: FIRED from both because he was sleeping with a co-worker in one and had too much attitude for the other. The car and phone, yeah, that was me, but only because he wasn't fulfilling his obligations on those. So I'm trying not to care. I really am. And it's killing me because by nature, I'm an empathetic, altruistic person. So, please confirm to me that because he's the way he is, he'll charm his way into someone else's nightmare and everything will work out fine, right? I mean, if it wasn't for me 8 years ago, he would have been right where he's at now anyway. How do I turn off my heart? And what if something REALLY bad happens? Like what if he has hit rock bottom so hard he decides enough is enough with this life? Do you know the GUILT I will wear for the rest of my life? I don't WANT bad things to happen to him. I just want him to be okay. I don't care if he's okay with some other woman. I really don't. I just want him to be safe. Is that so wrong of me?

‹ is this a hoover? Car envy!!!! ›
SkinnyBuffalo's picture

Mine is in the same boat as

May 22, 2012 - 12:50am — SkinnyBuffalo

Mine is in the same boat as yours after I left him - they should be roommates! Oh, but wait, who would pay the bills....US? Not anymore. If I had listened with my brain instead of my heart to the stories of the other women that went before me I would have been out long before. But those stories help me remember today that some unfortunate soul has or will soon have that job. I might have done the most, the best, or whatever, but I definitely won't be the last. They are masters. Do not worry for one second they will be ok - they will make sure they are.

As for those of us with "big hearts" we can always find another to give to that will actually appreciate and/or do something with the gift or the help. As you already know, he has done nothing more with it than when you first met him. He essentially remains unchanged by your help. And that is how you know it isn't helping.

Movingforwardnow's picture

jENYPHERO

May 21, 2012 - 9:41pm — Movingforwardnow

This is just my experience. My ex lost it all. He even had a car accident while drinking and died at the scene. He was revived by an off duty nurse and paramedic who witnessed the accident.

After many, mnay months of visiting him in the hopsital and then in the nursing home, sitting, praying by his side. ( I did this after I had already filed for divorce based on abuse and drugs and a lot of stuff) Long story.

Anyways I sat with him out of guilt, I am a compassionate person. I am empathetic and I still loved this man even though he ruined our family, financially, emotionally and physically.

He is serving 11 years in prison, for many things, but onecount of attempted murder on our youngest (he was 1 at the time)

Oh I felt guilty for a long time. I was sad, lonely, devasted. I took it personally. "Why am I not lovable enough for him to get his shit together" It was a long hard road I traveled.

Therpay helped me realize it is/was not my fault. My kids and I are the victims not the abuser, liar, jerk.

So for all this time I have been mom and dad. Finacially it's up to me...it is all uip to me. Lots of weight to carry on your shoulders.

I met Narc 5 years after divorce and fell in love. But he is a NARC and we all know what that means. AUSE again.

You have NO OBLIGATION TO HIM. You can't fix him and never will.

I understand your fear, but truly you csn not save him from himself. If you reach out and FIX him to the best of your ability he will have learned nothing and the behavior will continue,

Get advice from the MODS. They are more experienced and can point you in the right direction

this is just my ecperience. Give them an inch and they will take a mile.

Hang in there
mfn

beautifulmess's picture

Hi, My first N was homeless

May 21, 2012 - 3:56pm — beautifulmess

Hi,
My first N was homeless after we split up. I was with him for 8 years. He chose to leave, to live on the streets. Then he lived with his brother, then sister. He refused to work, he stole, drugged. I worried soo much about him, I took him back a few times out of pity. I felt horrible, afraid he was going to die. Until one day .. Driving through town .. I saw him walking down the street with a group of people, drunk.. Smiling and laughing and then I realized he was NOT thinking about me or his daughter. I never took him back. He would make hundreds if dollars a day panhandling..free food.. Free haircuts.. Free hotel stays. He lived that way for years.. By choice. I have no idea where he is now.. Haven't seen him in years. His daughter is now 13. Please try not to worry too much. He is an adult and has made his own choices.

Deidre99's picture

There's nothing wrong with

May 21, 2012 - 9:29am — Deidre99

There's nothing wrong with having sympathy/empathy for someone, even a narc, who has caused his life to be in the ruins it's in. It's a normal response, emphasis on normal, for us empaths to feel compassion. You feel compassion, and it's totally normal, I believe.

But, if you really want to help someone, if they keep wrecking his/her life, and you really want to help the person...you step back and let them clean up their own mess. If not, then you become enabling. If you continue to ride in on a horse, rescuing this guy, he will continue to ruin his life, looking for you to continue the process.

He sounds like he needs to clean up his own mess, and while that might look compassion-less...it's really not. Enabling someone to continue down a path of destruction, isn't really loving.

We think it's loving but it's not. When my kids have not done well on a test, they have to make the test up, not me. I told them early in life, they are now teens...''I will feel bad if you make bad decisions, that cause you pain, but it will be your own life that reaps the consequences, not mine.'' That has stuck with them.

I have a friend who's son has had two dui's. The first, she rescued him, paid for this pricey lawyer...bla bla bla...the kid turns around and gets another dui a few months later. My friend is furious, and now she is making him face the consequences of his actions.

People have to learn the hard way. Narcs really never learn. But, maybe being homeless, and so on...will motivate him to do something a bit more productive with his life, than sitting around being an asshole.

Good luck with this...but stay strong, and stay NC. You are not his keeper.

Jenyphero's picture

That's what I needed

May 21, 2012 - 10:00pm — Jenyphero

That's what I needed to hear. I'm by no means feeling I should reach out and offer a helping hand. There's just so much hatred on this forum, and rightly so. I have tried and just don't have it in me. And I was thinking I am supposed to adopt his traits of not caring if I'm going to get through this. But as long as it's still okay to be me, then I'm good. I've never been an eye for an eye person. I understand that many women need to be that way. But I can't. I don't feel responsible for his life, in the same way I don't feel responsible for a stranger on the street, but I still feel compassion. These are the character traits that make me, ME, and to be forced into a position where I can't be me, well, that's kind of the same thing I went through the past 8 years, isn't it?

Deidre99's picture

Yea I know what u feel here.

May 21, 2012 - 11:24pm — Deidre99

Yea I know what u feel here. I wouldn't say there is hatred on the forum for the ex's...but...pain and fury can seem like hatred. They say hate isn't the opposite of love....rather indifference is. ;)

Narcs actually find people hating them to be a high of sorts!

But having compassion is a healthy thing. Just have it from afar. Lol ;) he needs to grow up and take care of himself.

Hugs!

phantom adoration's picture

I take exception

May 21, 2012 - 10:50pm — phantom adoration

to your comment, there is not so much 'hatred" on this forum, there is suffering, pain, angst, low self esteem, those bruised emotionally and physically. Many of us are here, thankfully to help us know we are loving compassionate people who gave of ourselves to another that knows nothing about compassion. Narcissists are incapable of compassion and love as we know it. Little did we know we were being sucked into a web of deceit.
This is not about an eye for an eye as those of us who have been here know, there is no closure, there is no revenge, there is nothing to be gained that will make up for, in many cases, years and years and in others a life time of being a victim.
What amount of damage does he have to cause you to make you realize you owe him nothing and are better off without him in your life, rape, gouging your eyes out, ruining you fiancially, hitting you?
No one is forcing me, I am doing this all on my own, because it is all about me now! I am kind, I am smart and I am important!

beautifulmess's picture

Have to agree Phantom. Loving

May 21, 2012 - 11:08pm — beautifulmess

Have to agree Phantom. Loving these men, giving everything, worrying about them because they cannot take care of themselves turned me into the mother they never had.. And I got nothing but heartache in return. I don't "hate" . I LOVE.

phantom adoration's picture

Well

May 21, 2012 - 11:14pm — phantom adoration

I have to admit I loath, a little.

TarHeelBlue's picture

If it were the other way around

May 21, 2012 - 9:17am — TarHeelBlue

and you were the one homeless, jobless, and without a car, do you think HE would care?

Nope.

I know you're different, because you actually HAVE a heart and soul. And you ARE human. He's not.

He doesn't care about you, only what you provided for him. He will find someone else to do that. He found you, didn't he?

It's difficult to be a cold, hard bitch to someone you love, but remember, he's not real. That guy you worry about doesn't even exist. He's like one of those aliens in a movie, the ones who unzip their human suit and reveal the ugly, grotesque, eye-bulging, snake-looking monster underneath. That's how I think of mine, and truly, that's how they all are.

He didn't worry about you while he was ruining your life. Please don't waste another second being concerned about his pathetic one.

THB

Hunter's picture

Are you responsible for your

May 20, 2012 - 10:22pm — Hunter

Are you responsible for your life??

He needs to be responsible for his..

Hunter

phantom adoration's picture

Guilt

May 20, 2012 - 10:13pm — phantom adoration

is something one choses to carry.
You are not responsible for his hitting rock bottom or for making it. You do not have the control, whether a part of his life or not.
His failures are not yours, they are his.
So let go you can do nothing to save him from himself. Time to save you!

Layla's picture

There is nothing wrong with you having a "heart"....

May 20, 2012 - 9:49pm — Layla

...but you must know you are really describing a PD...maybe not even "just a narc"...he may be antisocial as well...irresponsible and parasitic lifestyle are traits of someone with AsPD. Please read up on PDs.........

Believe me, these guys go off and find another victim soon enough using the "pity ploy"....."everyone feel sorry for me"..."I just can't seem to catch a break"...."she left me high and dry"....blah, blah, blah......

Feel sorry for YOU and how much he USED you because I am willing to bet he used you PLENTY.

Welcome to the forum.

love~ Layla

bluegirl's picture

If you help him out, he will

May 21, 2012 - 12:23pm — bluegirl

If you help him out, he will bleed you dry. Once he is on his feet, or even before, he will have another woman in his clutches. You need to remember that. He will not appreciate anything you do for him, even if he says he does. He will use you for whatever you are willing to give, along with anyone else. If he is that far down he might need several partners to fulfill his needs.