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Hello. It's been a while since I've posted in the forum. In the early days, I clung to this forum and gained so much valuable knowledge. I'm forever grateful. I know that I wouldn't be where I am today without the support of this site.
I would like to fill you in on some amazing things that have happened since I ended my engagement, went no contact, and received a protection order against the psychopath in my life 14 months ago. Wow, it seems like so much longer than 14 months.
I hope that you will also find the strength inside to move on and appreciate the valuable knowledge that you've gained so that you can change the direction of your life. It's cliche, but it's true. When you change the way you look at things, the things that you look at change. It's a blessing in disguise.
A few weeks ago, I received an offer letter for employement with the FBI as a Special Agent. This has been my dream job since I was 18 years old. I've been through a rigorous mental and physical testing and interview process. My final interview involved me walking into a room with three FBI Agents that knew nothing about me other than my name. During that hour, I spoke very candidly about my experiences with the psychopath in my life and the knowledge that I've gained as a result. I hoped that they weren't looking for a perfect person for the job, but rather someone that can pick themself up and grow from their life experiences. So I layed it all out there. The cold hard truth.
As I was speaking about the psychopathic traits, the agents nodded in agreement. I'm sure that they deal with psychos everyday. I spoke about the psychopath having no conscience, invented personas, lying for the sport of it, isolation attempts, word salad, control through the use of cell phone and computer spyware, and a hidden criminal past just to name a few traits.
My point is that I've not only disovered and corrected the reasons that I was vulnerable to the psychopath, but I also see the bigger picture now. I know why I needed to go through it. I'm a much wiser, more compassionate human being that is now armed with the knowledge to build a wonderful psycho-free life.
I've let go of the fairytale that Disney crams down our throats from the time we're little girls. You don't need a man to rescue you. The truth is, deep inside you don't even want a man to rescue you. You need to rescue yourself. You can't let a man fill the void that other things should be filling in your life like your relationship with God, your family/friends and yourself.
A part of me died and it was painful. But that naive, ego-filled part of me needed to die. And the parts of me that survived are stronger for it.
I know that you can make it. Have faith and trust in the process. You'll get there.
Soooo cool!! I work with some
May 23, 2012 - 6:59pm — uncomfortablynumbSoooo cool!!
I work with some Ppaths too, i work with people with mental illness and addictions who are in conflict with the law...it's very interesting, and personal experience with these kinds of people sure helps...I now look forward to seeing how they work in other contexts, they are so much more easy to see when you've dealt with one...not that mine was a full-on Ppath, but def had some features.
It does help for sure when I see people who are victimized by these people..and not just domestic cases...I can help people so much better to feel empowered with knowledge about how they operate and all the empathy in the world...real, not by trying to imagine it.
Congratulations!
May 21, 2012 - 5:38pm — Rising DawnWell said! I really connected with your post - it had much meaning to me, because I feel like I am learning a lot about myself and trying to heal the wounds that made me susceptible to people such as narcs. It's nice to hear that your journey was a worthy one, despite the pain and suffering.
I have not quite figured out my issues, but I am working with a great analyst who has been tremendous in helping me in my quest to lift the veil. I am hoping to achieve the inner changes that will make me a stronger and more authentic person, so I can live the life I truly want. I too had these "rescue" fantasies, and I knew they were unrealistic. But it took a narc to disrupt my life before I realized that I was myself living in a fantasy too, expecting someone else to take care of me and my problems.
The irony is that my narc actually told me once that his ego needed to die so he can be in touch with his true self - I am wondering if he read that somewhere and spat it out for effect, but he can't actually experience a true change? I'll never know, I suppose.
Again, congratulations. Your words have been very inspirational, and I am extremely happy for your achievements. I wish you the best in life!
Quid Pro Quo
May 21, 2012 - 4:04pm — rosedewittbukaterWiser now, maybe soon your new screen name will be Clarice Starling! Best of luck. Feds rock!! Thanks for the words of encouragement. xx, Rose
Wiser, I have thought of you
May 21, 2012 - 2:14pm — spinningoften and am so glad you stopped back in to post this inspiring message.
My life is also hugely different than it was just a mere 12 months ago and way, way better than I ever thought it could be.
I love your message about not needing a man to rescue us. When you fully get that everything we need is right inside of us, that's when things really click and change. When we value ourselves, we become valuable to others...to the world and it's a beautiful thing!
Thank you again, dear Wiser. I am so happy for you and your success.
Love,
(not) spinning. AND IT FEELS GREAT
Wisdom and compassion are beautiful attributes
May 21, 2012 - 12:38am — no more an echoDear WiserNow30,
Thanks for coming back here and posting- and good luck on your new job!
No doubt that God has been preparing you for your new position- your experience with your NarcoPath was just one of your 'training exercises'! Wisdom and compassion are beautiful attributes in anyone- but especially if you'll be dealing with victims of crime in your new career.
Your post is so full of hope and I think we all need to realize that we can either wallow in our pain and further victimize ourselves, or, as you pointed out, we can change the way we look at things- and get our power back. I have allowed the Narcs in my past to rob me of so much of my life. While it is important to grieve that fact, I now need to explore , for myself, WHY I allowed that- so I can move past this in a healthy way.
For many months I've asked God for clarity and for the ability to see things more through His eyes (as much as humanly possible!)
The clarity is still coming and I am SO VERY GRATEFUL for it- without that I would not have seen the NarcoPath's mask cracking nor would I have had the strength to get away- and STAY away!
I do laugh, though, that too many of our blessings in life come shrouded, only to be revealed at a much later date.
Don't forget about us in your new, exciting and NARC-free life!
No more
May 21, 2012 - 4:34pm — Reason2Believe"For many months I've asked God for clarity and for the ability to see things more through His eyes (as much as humanly possible!) "
A friend wrote me the following, and I refer to it every day. Hope it will help you, too!
God's Will does not take you, where God's Blessings cannot protect you.
I am positive that God had a hand in ending the emotionally destructive relationship.
Hugs,
Reason
"God's will doesn't take you where blessings cannot protect you"
May 23, 2012 - 12:55am — no more an echoThanks Reason2Believe,
It does help.
I believe that we are all blessed here because we received that clarity and, while the NarcoPath wanted to destroy us, he actually (unintentionally) helped us to live more authentically!
I love your post...I am glad
May 20, 2012 - 11:10pm — lali876I love your post...I am glad to read stories like these which fill me with hope,since I'm just half way in my healing...reading this helps me see the bigger picture and helps me imagine me in the near future. I soooo much hope to get there soon.
You said something that I feel so true, something inside of me did died and it hurts. But I see the point on why that part of me had to die....your words bring light to all this caos that had happened ...to at least make sense...to know that there was a purpose in all of this. It made me think and realize what a HUGE truth there is behind all this pain.
Thank You, and may God continue to bless you in your new life.