I felt that way for so long as well and i am now over 3 years out. You raised feelings and reasoning which are very valid, my suggestion may be to seek a good therapist, they were so valuable to me along the way, some of your thoughts are about self esteem issues to work on. Much of this is about changing your way of thinking which requires a lot of work, make a pros and cons list to carry with you to look at and realize he was never real..............

I am fairly new on this forum but I have been struggling with the same feelings as you....I swing from resolve and empowerment to doubt and fright!!

I guess the one thing that I do now know is that this wasn't due to anything that I could have controlled and that all the abuse, the hurt, the pain etc, this was down to him and his sick and twisted manipulation. I only ever reacted to the way I was being treated and now accept that I am entitled to do so....my feelings and reactions are my boundaries.

I think we have to ask ourselves why we seem to miss the illusion? What did living in that fantasy world do for us and why did we need it in the first place? I am sure we all were brought up on the Disney fairytales, "one day our prince will come...."? Well, we got the prince....prince of darkness. I have NEVER experienced love-bombing the way I did with Trotters...he was amazing and I was swept along with this totally awesome man for the first 6 months. And during that stage, I was FEEDING him......like some kind of parasite. When I start to feel that I miss the illusion, I force myself to remember WHAT he is....they are recycling humanity, feeding from us, just like vampires, souls without footprints. I had 2 and half years of him devaluing me, controlling me and I had NO idea what the hell was going on. Where had the man I fell in love with gone......now I know that he NEVER felt the same way. He is incapable of it.

I know that deep in my heart, I craved to have a knight in white shining armour carry me off into the sunset......that is the reality and that is what I am now working on. Real life is not what an N presents, real life and real love grow over time, lasting love is built on strong foundations, not sand.

I think you will get to the stage eventually where you recognise that there is NOTHING wrong with you...you are NOT crazy at all, and all that you are now feeling is totally natural. Embrace who you are, the last thing I ever want to do is change who I am. BUT, and this is the key, we need to work on building awareness, building a knowledge around us that will empower us to be able to spot toxicity at 100 paces.

What we are is beautiful, that is why the targetted us.....but I am treasuring me from now on and will only ever give myself, truly, to someone who I can be 100% sure deserves it. That may be my children for the time being and evermore, as they sure as hell deserve my love a thousand times more than he ever did.

Hope that helps.....I feel where you are and I know it's crap but try and look at it from a place where you value yourself and see yourself as true and good.....because you are xxx

Your post speaks to my heart & I am felling the exact same things. At 4 months I thought I was past it. But then i had some new discoveries that triggered all the old emotions & feelings for him. I too want a healthy love, and at 54, I am more than tired of disordered relationships. Guess I need to go back to Narc 101. !!!