I know many of us struggle with letting go. We can force ourselves to accept that HE is gone, try to understand what HE is and is not, we can believe the mod's & vets, we can distract ourselves with trying to figure out if HE truly is an "N,PD,NPD,Cluster B,Psycho, (toxic is toxic period).
But how do actually let go? And by not letting go does that mean we want HIM back.
I have a hard time hating HIM, I want to and there are times I am disgusted with him for his actions...but I don't know if I will ever hate him.
For me the struggle of letting go has been simple - by not letting go I don't have to feel alone, having something to think about busy myself with OBSESS over keeps me from having to focus on myself and what I am feeling...it has always been easy for me to feel for others to allow their emotions to become my own (as long as others are happy I am too). To let go is terrifying for me-I have no idea what I feel because I have always pushed them aside for others.
Right now I feel:
Scared, that I will never be worthy of healthy love
Sad, that no matter how much I gave it was never enough to make him happy or keep him faithful.
Afraid, that I am the one who is crazy and that I am a lost cause
If someone gave you a piece of burning cole- you would drop it immediately as to not cause major burns on your hands...yet why do we hold on to these toxic relationships as they burn our souls??
My line of thought may be off base...just after the contact on Mother's Day- I find myself really missing the illusion and that cole is starting to really burn.