Newbie, pre step 1 (Long)

Kitty84

Member since:
1 year 3 weeks

Last activity:
51 weeks 4 days

Posted May 18, 2012 - 4:57am

Hi all,

Very pleased to have found this forum!

I have been seeing my N since Christmas last year. All very stereotypical - couldn't get enough of me, I was beautiful, I was fun to be with etc etc, until I said something he didn't like and the arguments kicked off.

I am now at the point where I think I'm going to have to call it off with him. As I'm sure you will all be able to sympathise with, I'm petrified of losing him and, in my codependant way, petrified of being on my own.

I came to this conclusion on Wednesday night, while I waited at home for him. He had suggested we go to my house, get a couple of beers and some food and just chill out. On my way home I got a call saying he was stopping into the pub after work for a couple but then would be on his way to me - I didn't mind as it gave me a chance to tidy up etc.

He then proceeded to get off his face on drugs and sack me off. A couple of hours later I went to meet a friend for a drink - I was angry and upset and needed to get out of the house. He turned up at this pub an hour or so later, absolutely off his face but full of charm and apologies, saying I was his girl, cuddling me and paying me the sort of attention I have craved from him.

Of course, I bought it.

I saw him last night - we were both tired and hungover so had a relatively quiet night. I stupidly thought things were better until this morning, when he shouted at me for taking too long with the hairdryer, called me a c**t and told me to f**k off.

Obviously this isn't an isolated incident. He has done this many times - when I wouldn't lend him money, when I wouldn't buy him drugs, when I have 'had an attitude', when I've given him a funny look, when I've given someone else a funny look, when I've been jealous, when I've not been jealous.

He is breaking me, both mentally and financially, and I need to shake myself out of this and leave him. I have always been strong and independent, and he is turning me into some meek little wife. He has taken my confidence from me and I'm scared I'll never get it back.

I’m sure he is cheating on me, and he has no qualms about openly ogling women and chatting them up in front of me, and then blaming me when I get jealous.

As I'm sure most of you were like with your N’s, I do love him. He is the most interesting, clever person I’ve ever met and I’ve never been more physically attracted to someone. But I can’t put myself through this any more.

Phew, that was quite a rant. Thanks for listening everyone, hope to get to know you all a little bit more xx

When I went through the

May 21, 2012 - 3:21pm — Deidre99

When I went through the beginning stages of healing last year after my volatile breakup, I too was told here that I could perhaps be codependent. And that was true. I see you state it here about yourself.

Codependency, isn't love. He doesn't love you. And I think you just have been convinced/conditioned to thinking you 'need' him. Need him to complete you, and validate you.

Again, not love. Somewhere along the way, maybe through modern entertainment/media, we think love should be this gasping longing for air, holding our breath, til we see our lovers once again. We all know what happened with Romeo and Juliet. hee hee ;) So, no that's not love.

It's drama. Toxic. Unhealthy. Codependency. Need for validation. Infatuation. Lust. Turmoil. Dysfunction.

But, not love. On either of your parts. But, I looove him/her. We often say that as if it is a broad brush excuse to staying with an abuser. But, looking at it deeper...does this really look like love to any of us?

I mean, on some level...we feel we loved the person. But, heart racing, crying, obsessive thoughts, jealousy, rage, anger, fear...these are NOT byproducts of love. They are the result of being in a toxic relationship.

I think once you reflect as to what it is about him that you seek for validation, you'll get off the roller coaster, once and for all.

You can do this. Go NC...and you will find yourself and your love for YOUR life, again.

Struggling a bit today

May 22, 2012 - 5:46am — Kitty84

Struggling a bit today ladies. On a training course and cant concentrate. How are the rest of you doing? Xx

First night in on my own for

May 21, 2012 - 12:25pm — Kitty84

First night in on my own for a long time. Just sitting here staring at my phone. This is so sad.

Kit, I know you feel sad but

May 21, 2012 - 1:42pm — spinning

it's just temporary.

Here's a reality check: It's not half as sad as a man who raises his fists to a woman.

It's not half as sad as a loser who gets violent with a woman.

It's not nearly as sad as a full grown man who doesn't respect you enough to keep his hands to himself.

You would be much, much sadder staying in something like that because it does not get better, it only gets worse. How do I know? I lived it. By the time he got violent with me I was already half dead inside anyway. I was in real danger of being permanently disfigured and I didn't flinch. What was really SAD was that I became a woman who put up with that and who had no and I mean no desire to even run or defend myself. I didn't care what happened to me. Now that's sad.

You are not that woman, Kit, or else you wouldn't be here.

Your sadness is temporary and misplaced. You long for something that never existed. What is before you is the reality. Try to work on accepting that and feeling good about yourself for breaking the abusive cycle and not going back for more.

You can do this, Kitty. If you stick with this, you will be amazed. Trust me on that because I'm living that now, too. We will help you.

Love,
(not) spinning. BECAUSE I KNOW AND ACCEPT THE TRUTH AND THE TRUTH IS THE FREAK ISN'T WORTH THE EFFORT OR THE ENERGY.

Spinning and Deidre

May 21, 2012 - 5:43pm — Kitty84

Thank you so much for your lovely and motivational comments. I went for dinner with a friend and kept myself busy.

Got my hair cut and coloured too to try and cheer myself up.

Just about to go to bed and the loniless is kicking in. It really helps to come here and read all these inspiring words though. You are all amazing women xx

Kitty

May 21, 2012 - 8:02am — Wallace

I am so sorry all of this happened to you. I have been in bed with flu the whole weekend so only catching up on posts now. I think you have def seen this guy's true colours and I agree with the others - he will escalate and the emotional and physical abuse will worsen. Please get out now! You keep saying you "hope" you are strong enough to leave him - change that statement and say "I am strong enough to leave him. I DESERVE better" - even if you don't think it now, repeat it and it will become true in your mind and heart.

Don't despair, everything will be ok but remember - it is a choice. If you continue to go back for more, you will continue to be hurt.
xxx

NC

May 21, 2012 - 4:09am — Kitty84

I've re instigated NC after falling off the wagon in a spectacular fashion.

I woke up this morning with texts accusing me of sleeping with someone on Saturday night. I also had missed calls from a number I don't know - turns out the b*stard has 2 phones.

Really hurting today.

Hi all, Fell well and truly

May 20, 2012 - 7:43am — Kitty84

Hi all,

Fell well and truly off the wagon yesterday. Begged and pleaded for him to talk to me with no response. I feel like such an idiot.

I am totally heartbroken but know what I have to do. I feel like such a weak failure for doing what I did - why can't I let this toxic man go?

Can't stop crying. I'm going to go out with a friend for the day and get some dinner tonight - going to switch my phone off and give it to my friend so I don't do it again

I don't know how I got so weak willed, when I realised his arms weren't around me when I woke up this morning it killed me.

Kitty

May 20, 2012 - 10:22am — ruby01

Once you have been devalued there is nothing for him to do but discard you.

It's a disturbing process, but in his mind you are now "damaged goods". Don't feel bad everyone winds up there.

It's projection because the truth is they are irreparably damaged.

Block and delete him from everything. You won't be missing out on anything more than further humiliation and abuse.

Who wants that?

a few thoughts

May 19, 2012 - 8:20am — lessonlearned

you are still at the point where you think that you can engage with this horrible person, but you are mistaken. there is no level of "communication" with a N that is manageable.

for future encounters, here's what you should do: if you walk into the bar & see him there, IMMEDIATELY turn around & walk out. leave skid marks on the floor. DO NOT acknowledge him in any way.

here is some info on why you are feeling so out of control right now (read the whole post so that you can see why going NO CONTACT is so important for your healing): http://www.lisaescott.com/2010/11/15/crazymaking-behavior-narcissist

lastly: when someone physcially assaults you, you need to report it to the police. chances are very good that he will do this again. you need to protect yourself from this man. it's not a game.

Last night took a horrible

May 19, 2012 - 6:09am — Kitty84

Last night took a horrible turn.

I bumped into him in a bar - didnt think he'd be out in the same place as me.

We started fighting almost immediately, I left after a while and freaked out. I did the whole ringing him a million times, texting, and even tried to find him. While walking back home some kid on a bike tried to steal my phone which didn't help.

He ended up coming round to mine, telling me that he could have been having sex with some American girl but had chosen to come here instead. We argued and I'm mortified to admit that he got violent with me. He thought I was lying about the guy trying to steal my phone to get attention.

He has now gone and I am in bits. I felt so strong and resolved yesterday, why am I doing this to myself? All I want is for him to come back.

please try to be strong

May 19, 2012 - 8:02am — lostmyself

I'm so sorry you are going through all of this. You are not only being emotionally abused but now being physically abused.

He is behaving as if he did some great thing by going to your place. Big effin deal.

He then tells you he could have been having sex with someone else. Give me a break. He is trying to hurt you more by making that statement. He has choices, and if he didn't want to go to your place, he didn't have to do so. I wish he hadn't.

Finally, he tells you that you are trying to get attention instead of showing empathy that you almost got your phone stolen by a stranger. What a loser. More abuse.

Now he gets physically abusive? Who does he think he is? This is where you need to be very careful. This violence will increase if you stay. Nobody just gets violent once.

Sweetie, he has major issues. He will not change. You will continue to be abused both mentally and physically if you do not get out. Wouldn't you love a life without all of this?

Writing out your thoughts and the things he did and said to you is a great idea. I did that which completely stopped me from calling the ex when we broke up. Use it to refer back to when you feel weak. I am on Day 23 of NC, and I'm already starting to feel better. It is a struggle everyday, but I'd rather feel like this than feel what I felt while I was in the relationship.

Start now. Go through the emotions of a break up with such a horrible man. I guarantee the emotions you feel now will be short lived whereas the horrible things you are going to feel staying with him will last as long as you are with him.

You want him back because you fear the unknown. You fear what life will be like without him. You don't feel good about yourself so you are willing to take his scraps over being alone. Why would you feel good about yourself? You are with a man who consistently says and does negative things to you. Get away from his influence, and life will be so much better I guarantee. Work on your mental stability. Once you start healing, you will even see that you are happy being alone. You will then attract a good man.

Please, please, please do not contact him. I'm sure he will try and come back, but you cannot let him back in. I understand when we are vulnerable, it is so easy for us to go back. Don't do the easy thing. Challenge yourself and do what is not easy right now. Look at the big picture instead of the here and now. Doing what is difficult now will set you up for a much better and happier life down the road.

hello, kitty :)

May 18, 2012 - 9:44am — lessonlearned

this will probably sound strange, but I AM SO JEALOUS!!! i'm so jealous that you have discovered what this asshole you've been seeing TRULY IS after only 6 months, whereas it took me 3 years of turmoil & exhaustion to figure out that i was dealing with a N!

you are WAY smarter than i was & i hope that you are able to use the information here to help extricate yourself from this toxic relationship.

it is so hard at the beginning to cut off contact, but you need to always remember: he is a FALSE being. there is no actual love/affection there, nothing that he says or does is true (all lies & manipulations). as you have seen from his actions already, when he interacts with you it is always on HIS terms, & it is always because he wants something from you (sex, a trip to the pub on your $$$, attention, whatever).

"let's go to the pub tonight" = free beer
"stop being so jealous" = watching you spin & stress out
"you're my girl" = getting sex tonight
"you're a c**t" = controlling you so you don't challenge him

it is ALL about him ALL of the time, & as long as you are interacting with him on any level, positive or negative, he is getting SUPPLY from you. that's why you have to get to the point of understanding that NC is the way to go & start to get yourself healthy again.

you can do it! one minute at a time, if you have to...read everything you can get ahold of on here & build your strength, as you will need it. if there's on thing most N's are, it's relentless. they will continue to try & suck you dry for ages if you allow it. so don't allow it!

((hugs))

Thanks hun. I'm already

May 18, 2012 - 9:49am — Kitty84

Thanks hun. I'm already finding this quite hard - it's becoming very real. Usually when we fall out I'll get a message with something along the lines of 'you still being moody' - absolutely nothing today.

I'm desperate for him but I know I need to do this. I hope I can.

Kitty

May 18, 2012 - 6:11am — Wallace

Reread your post and imagine that was a friend or relative of yours telling you about how her boyfriend treats her. You deserve WAY better than this asshole. How dare he call you names, especially the "C" word - he is being emotionally and verbally abusive and will not, I repeat, NOT change in the future...EVER! You may love Dr Jekyll but Mr Hyde is showing you his true colours and thank goodness your gut is telling you to get out of this relationship and get out fast! He will hoover and tell you how amazing you are. He will be the "nice" guy you first met but he will spiral back into the cycle of abuse (and make no mistake, just bc he isn't hitting you, it is still an abusive relationship) and you'll be back to square one. My dear, be grateful that you have woken up to the true nature of this creep - get away from him. Do the work as suggested by this site and read read read. Knowledge is power. We are here for you.
Love and strength. xxx

Thanks Wallace - this is

May 18, 2012 - 6:14am — Kitty84

Thanks Wallace - this is exactly what I need right now. I have disclosed his behaviour to a couple of friends who were of course horrified, but I'm just pleased I'm now3 surrounded by people who know the ins and outs of being with an N.

He is very much a 'poor me' sort of person, and blames a lot of his anger on the fact his dad left when he was 4 and his ex GF cleared out their house and left him too (good on her!!).

He's like the little girl who had the little curl - when he's good he's very very good, but when he'd bad, he's horrid.

That is the nature of the narc

May 18, 2012 - 7:21am — Wallace

They are NEVER to blame for their actions, no matter how spiteful/awful they are - it is ALWAYS someone else's fault - major red flag for N behaviour. They will whinge and whine about how poorly they are treated by the world but they can stomp all over everyone and it's ok. The fact that his dad left does not give him the right to be a total shit to you. They love blaming their behviour on problems in the past but will never look inside themselves or work on any of their issues bc as far as they are concerned, something or someone always "made" them act that way. They never have to accept responsibility for anything. Anyway, read all the blogs on this site as well as Sam Vaknin's site on NPD - it is very informative. You have taken the 1st step - it is a CHOICE! Choose to leave and regain your sense of self or choose to stay with this loser and tolerate his abuse. I hope you choose the former.
xxx

Thanks Wallace - I hope I can

May 18, 2012 - 8:15am — Kitty84

Thanks Wallace - I hope I can find the strength to leave him. I do think you guys will be able to help me.

It's only been a matter of hours and his silent treatment is already upsetting me - a night out with some nice people this evening should hopefully distract me :) I have already deleted his number in texts in anticipation of a few glasses of wine!

Kitty

May 18, 2012 - 9:24am — Wallace

Enjoy your evening and your wine...just be careful of the quantities so you aren't tempted to drunk dial/text/FB. Silent treatment is one of the worst types of abuse as it totally devalues you and makes you feel like YOU need to do the work. If you are able to, go and stay with a relative or friend who can support you and cut this creep off completely. Beware the hoover, it WILL happen. Just know that it never gets better and the cycles of the nice guy vs the abuser just get shorter and shorter while he beats your self-esteem further and further down. You CAN do this - you are a wonderful, smart lady and you deserve better.

xxx

Should also point out that I

May 18, 2012 - 5:49am — Kitty84

Should also point out that I am actually quite pleased with myself for not texting him and apologising this morning. I usually do that 5 mins after I've left. So weak :(

This is what I like to hear, Kitty,

May 18, 2012 - 8:29am — spinning

and welcome to the forum

Why do I like this? Because this is how you break an old pattern, a habit that no longer serves you.

You must never apologize for being treated poorly. You must never apologize for standing up for yourself. You must never apologize for being who you are. You must never give the green light to an abuser to dish out more. You do not need or deserve to be called filthy names over the length of time it takes you to dry your hair. You do not need to be nervous about every move you make.

Not texting an apology is a step in the right direction and I am very proud of you. You do this one minute at a time, which it sounds like you are doing. One thing at a time you change the script. We will help you.

Have faith and trust in yourself and in the process. We are here to guide you.

Sincerely,
(not) spinning. NO WAY. NEVER AGAIN

Thanks Spinning. It means so

May 18, 2012 - 8:45am — Kitty84

Thanks Spinning. It means so much to hear that I'm not in the wrong - I've been nothing but for the past 5 months according to him.

It's really helping to write things down and read them back like this. Just recalling various incidents...

Last month where he didn't want me to come and meet him at our local (was my local before I met him anyway) because there was a girl there he was seeing before he met me and he 'didn't want to put me in that position'. Of course, I believed that. But the more I think about it, why should he say that? Surely he would want to show me off and show that he was with someone?

We go out to pubs most nights and I always have to pay. If I can't afford it he will go home in a huff and I won't see him that night. I've got into some serious debt this year trying to fund both our lifestyles.

He says we spend too much time together but texts / messages me at about 5pm every day suggesting we meet up, or getting me to suggest it.

He criticises the way I walk, talk, perform sexual acts. He doesn't like it when I'm too loud or too sarcastic (I'm a very sarcastic person), but also doesn't like it if I reign myself in and keep quiet.

He doesn't like it when I'm too affectionate but gets in a huff when I pull back.

He laughs at couples where one is much better looking than the other, and then says people must be looking at us thinking the same thing.

He tells me how lucky I am and how I have landed on my feet.

He makes me instigate sex every time.

He puts me down in front of his brother.

He puts everyone else in his life before me.

It's quite sad reading xx

Kitty, my sweet!

May 18, 2012 - 8:55am — spinning

You have just completed (well, maybe not!) an important assignment.

One of the steps involves writing a list like this and keeping it handy. This allows you to see the FACTS and separate the FACTS from your emotions! Good girl!! Keep this list handy. It helps you keep the REALITY GOGGLES on through this process.

When you look at it you begin to realize there won't be much to miss when you make your way through the process. For me, there's nothing to miss but chaos, confusion, self-doubt, pain, a lighter wallet, more chaos, destruction, more confusion, more pain, etc. etc.

This is the TRUTH and as they say the TRUTH will set you free (but first it will piss you off --Gloria Steinem) :)

Keep up the good work, Kitty.

Sincerely,
(not) spinning. NO WAY. NEVER EVER AGAIN

Thank you both, Wallace and

May 18, 2012 - 9:26am — Kitty84

Thank you both, Wallace and Spinning. Brought (good) tears to my eye.

I know that I'm most scared of being without him as I don't want to be alone. I had just come out of a long term relationship when I met my N - wasn't looking for anything at the time but his charm knocked me for 6.

Very self destructive and all very scary xx

Kitty

May 18, 2012 - 9:52am — Wallace

I used to hate being alone but now after being married to an N for a year and finally leaving him, I absolutely relish my time on my own. No walking on eggshells waiting for the next tantrum; free to do what I want, when I want; free to wear what I want, crack whatever jokes I want (my sense of humour was also criticised - I was crass and crude blah blah blah). I know it may seem scary initially but learning to spend time on your own is a wonderful thing. Being alone does not have to mean being lonely. As one of our member's Avatars reads "Better to have loved and lost than spend the rest of your life with a psychopath!".
Enjoy ur night out. We'll be here for you when you want to chat more.
xxx

Thank you everyone - I feel

May 18, 2012 - 10:01am — Kitty84

Thank you everyone - I feel so welcome. It's so nice not to have to apologise for having a problem or concern.

Not feeling the best this afternoon - was feeling very positive about my decision this morning but am teary now. I know I'll be fine though.

Hang in there, Chooks. One

May 18, 2012 - 10:12am — Wallace

Hang in there, Chooks. One day at a time.

Strength, love and hugs to you. xxx

Kit, I echo Wallace here...

May 18, 2012 - 12:41pm — spinning

One minute, one baby step at a time.

Post here and get it out. Let the tears flow, they're cleansing and releasing.

Minute by minute is how you get through this by telling yourself you are breaking an old pattern that no longer serves you.

The journey is so worth it, dear Kitty. You will become a person who is happy and whole, and as such you will attract the same. Be patient and gentle with yourself and trust that you are doing the right thing FOR YOU here. We will help you.

sincerely,
(not) spinning. AND STRIVING FOR THE DAY WHEN NO ONE WILL SPIN OVER THESE SELF-CENTERED HOLLOW CREATURES

You know, kudos to you for

May 21, 2012 - 2:30pm — bluegirl

You know, kudos to you for something. The guy ALMOST stole your phone. This means you fought back. That is most likely a glimmer of the old you!

Thanks Bluegirl - really put

May 21, 2012 - 5:44pm — Kitty84

Thanks Bluegirl - really put a smile on my face :) xx

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