had a good cry

had a good cry
Posted May 18, 2012 - 3:37pm
0

Just had a really good cry.
Something as small as my friend receiving a text from her friend sent me spiralling out of control.
Her friend was talking about getting ready to go on a date, she was starting to try on some different dresses while deciding on her make up, perfume etc.. She was excited.
It reminded me of how I felt getting ready to meet N when he adored me, when we went to fantastic places or just a walk in the park.
I miss that feeling, of being special and loved.
I know it wasn't real.
After countless ST's for no reason it is clear to me that he couldn't possibily have loved me and that I miss the person that never really was.
I went home and let myself cry. I'm so sad.

‹ Just starting to understand narc's friends ›
spinning's picture

Good cries are good, dear red...

May 18, 2012 - 3:56pm — spinning

Let it out and let it go.

Here's a blog from Lisa (I may have posted this to you before but here it is again just in case):

http://www.lisaescott.com/2011/02/19/dont-be-afraid-cry

Okay, so now I'd like you to work on envisioning yourself enjoying getting dressed up and looking your best for YOURSELF and walking out into the world and attracting someone who sees how beautiful and confident and happy you are.

You are special and you are loved! You have to dig deep and remember that! You don't need some hollow shell who pretends to make you feel those things! You ALREADY ARE SPECIAL and loved by many.

You are changing the script by not accepting ST and crumbs...this is a very good thing and you should try to feel good about that. Not accepting crumbs is an act of loving yourself! Raising the bar is loving yourself!

The early stages of NC are so difficult and confounding. The waves of emotion can be overwhelming. This is when it's best to ride those waves, let it all out and then let it go.

Feel the sadness and mourn what you think you lost and let it go, dear red. The goal is to do whatever it takes to be happy and feel good about yourself...keep that goal in mind and know this will pass.

Love,
(not) spinning. AND SO VERY GRATEFUL FOR THAT

Deidre99's picture

The good news is, you won't

May 18, 2012 - 3:53pm — Deidre99

The good news is, you won't always feel this way. The bad news is...you'll have to feel this way, til you don't. Sucks I do know.

But, someday...you won't feel this way.

It will all make sense in a different way than it does right now. You won't feel so despairing, when thinking about him. Trust in the process. Let NC lead you to recovery...and you will find peace.

((hugs)) Weekends can be hard.

red's picture

I'm gritting my teeth and

May 18, 2012 - 4:13pm — red

I'm gritting my teeth and really trying with NC.
It's coming up to four weeks now.
I've never done it before, I was always the peacemaker, always the one who tried harder, messaged and phoned first. During the first few days of ST I'd phone him, he always came back saying he'd been really busy with work and couldn't phone during the day, at night he said he got home late and fell asleep straight away.

NC is hard, but it's easy to remember just how awful he made me feel, how insignificant. He's very clever with words and always managed to avoid my questions and turn everything back round on me.

Spinning, thanks. I'll ride the waves, just have to put my life jacket on so I won't go under.
I'll carry on pushing through with these feelings.
Deidre, I'm hanging on in. NC is hard, I'm sad. this forum is saving me from breaking NC, you guys are helping me see that it wasn't real, and that these awful feelings will eventually fade to nothing.

Thanks.
xx

LoserFree's picture

red I was always the

May 19, 2012 - 11:26am — LoserFree

red I was always the peacemaker, too. He would give me ST and I would be phoning and texting him endlessly. Begging him to please talk to me, and apologizing for things I never even did just to keep the peace. He gave me the same BS excuses as yours did. Didn't have my phone, phone was charging, fell asleep, got called back to the hospital to operate, I was running errands or paying bills and I didn't hear my phone....the list goes on and on. And then when HE decided he wanted to talk to me (after days of ST) he would use one of these excuses and act like it was no big deal at all. OR he would get mad and start a fight because after begging him I would get frustrated and leave messages telling him how mean it was for him to ignore me. I can look back and see the pattern of the times he started the fights.....always OW. My friend told me ExN sets you up everytime to make it look like you're a mean/angry person and you caused him to run to OW. And by golly that is what he told everyone who would listen! He told people I'm crazy and need Anger Management classes. I still LMAO just like when I heard that for the first time a few years back. He is such a pathetic joke.. a real Bozo the Clown!!

Take care of YOU red! He deserves NOTHING from you! HE IS A GIANT LOSER!!!

XOXO

LoserFree

FindingMyself's picture

Thank you for this.... I'm in

May 18, 2012 - 9:58pm — FindingMyself

Thank you for this.... I'm in your boat right now.... I want to text him so bad. But everything you said in your post was the exact same for me! I will not contact him... I will not contact him...

Deidre99's picture

In time, yes, those awful

May 18, 2012 - 4:19pm — Deidre99

In time, yes, those awful feelings will go away.

I will say too, that breaking NC is comfortable for you. Making peace as you say. That's why it's hard too. Not just because you miss the guy you fell in love with, but because it's just normal for you to reach out.

CHANGE IS HARD, RED.

Any kind of change. Old habits die hard. :)

But, if you do the work during NC, you'll get somewhere. I have seen people who are NC for well over a year and are still tempted to break NC. If you don't work on yourself during this time, you won't get anywhere.

Time by itself, can't heal the wound. NC, time, and hard work will heal this wound.

You got this! We're here for you. :)