Hunter's advice is sometimes tough to swallow, but it's often because no one in your life has the balls to tell you what you need to hear, so it can seem jarring at first. lol

Hunter pulled me out too, last year. Thank you Hunter.

I was told I was being rude yesterday, and to that, I apologize. Honestly, I do. I don't mean to ever come across as ...rude or mean spirited.

But, sometimes, I wonder if people realize how much WORK it takes to really heal in this process. First, you educate yourself on NPD, then you have to stay NC, then you have to work on yourself. It's a big process, and one that can't be spoonfed. You have to literally do tons of work to get to the other side of this thing.

But, I'll watch how I personally deliver a message, because it's never my intent to come across as a jerk.

Or a bitter, jaded woman who distrusts most men.
Wait...I'm not...bitter.

hee hee

I'm a work in progress, too! :=P

Nice post, sarah, and hugs to all of you great people. We're in this together. (((((hugs)))))

Thankyou for this, very validating, also everyone has their own character and way of saying things so this sometimes can be taken out of context....
I believe in fair play, so I couldnt be a mod on a forum that I believed to be anything but great, with the only intention to try to help people...I can be abrupt, but thats who I am....I consider, goldie, hunter, spinning,journey ,to be my friends and I couldnt be friends with people who don't play the game....
Thankyou again sweetpea.....we are here to help recovery not hinder.....x

The mods here are equipped with excellent B.S. detectors. They know exactly when we are bullsh***ing them and bullsh***ing ourselves.

When we come here, reeling from so much abuse, our emotions are literally all over the place. We know we've been abused, but we're still fighting our addiction. (In fact, it's not unusual to use this forum in the early days as a tool to try to suss out how to get the Narc back. I know I did, even as I deluded myself that I was not.) Fortunately, the mods are here to give it to us straight. They never fill us with false hope nor let us wallow in unending drama. If they did, they would not be doing their jobs as leaders of this community (which, by the way, they do for free, as a service to others). They're here to shut down once and for all the cycle of abuse that keeps us trapped in purgatory, and that is no easy task (and yes, it often requires a BIG dose of tough love).

It's no exaggeration to say that they are working to save lives, dramatic though that may sound (it's true). They are like surgeons--they have to know when and where to cut in order to save the patient.

It's tough coming out of an abusive relationship. The tendency is to be hypersensitive to any perceived slight and nerves are extremely raw. But the mods, as well as the regular members, are truly here to help. Unlike Narcs, they really DO have our best interests at heart and I could not be more grateful to them. They literally saved me when my whole life was falling apart and for that I am eternally thankful.

I am a newbie to the forum as well, but visited here for a few weeks prior to joining. This post and its related ones from the past couple of days has hit me on a personal level so I feel compelled to comment.

 I have an AMAZING friend that has really become a life saver of sorts over the past few months, although  I didnt always feel this way about her! Prior to my discovery that my X was a P/N, I used to confide in this friend my feelings of confusion, despair, hopelessness, etc. I expected that during these talks, I would get sympathy, compassion, and unlimited time to just go on and on.  She would listen, wait for me to finish and then say, "He doesn't sound like a very nice person and he isnt worth your time. What are YOU going to do to make sure he doesn't treat you like this again?"

Huh??? Wait!  Why was she asking me how was I going to put a stop to it ?  Why wasnt she telling me that it would blow over and he would talk to me again once he was over it?  Didn't she understand that I wasn't trying to leave the situation, I was trying to stay in it?  And that I was the cause for his bad behavior and that leaving him or setting boundaries was not an option?  

He was the love of my life and I was his and I wanted her to support me by telling me how to get him back, not by telling me to leave my soulmate.  Was that so hard? Why was she interrupting me and not allowing me to obsess and ruminate over every little detail?  I became so annoyed with her wanting to focus on ME, that I pulled back from her and stopped sharing these events about my X P/N. 

Instead, I started searching the Internet for clues about what I could do to win him back, make him love me and treat me like he did in the beginning.  It was during my search that a miracle happened and I found this site. The stories were gut wrenching for me to read and many times they were trigger inducing and I would just cry and cry. And then I would read the replies, especially those of Goldie and the other mods, and I began noticing similarities in their responses to that of my friend. 

And then it hit me- the light bulb went off. My friend was giving me exactly what I needed at that time because she knew that if I didnt get out and start seeing myself as the victim instead of seeing him as one, that I would REMAIN a victim and never stop the cycle of emotional abuse.  I couldn't fix him, but I had to find a way to fix me!

So, after educating myself some more on PD's,  I "ate" a big bowl of humble pie,  and apologized to her for not accepting her love, help or advice simply because it was too painful and not at all what I wanted to hear.   I committed to her and myself, that I would put on my tough girl panties, suck it up, do the work, and make this be about me. 

Dont get me wrong, educating ourselves and gaining knowledge about the P/N is critical, but staying stuck there and not transitioning into educating ourselves on US makes us stuck and that makes healing impossible. As part of this journey on self discovery, I came across this article by Sam Vankin that was on Claudia Moscovici's site:

http://psychopathyawareness.wordpress.com/2010/12/17/what-kind-of-person...

This article was one of the first of many readings that shifted the focus off of the P/N and placed it on those of us who become enmeshed with them.  Obviously, this was my friend's point from the very beginning, but I wasn't ready yet. I wasn't serious about moving on and starting a new life. And honestly, without the REAL love and concern of people like my friend, the mods here, and especially Hunter, I think I would still be stuck making it all about HIM!  

oh my...take your laptop to the bathroom for the next one...it's a loo loo.

Obviously, anyone joining this forum is being proactive and taking a first step, acknowledging a problem, and for many of us, finding people in real life who understand is very difficult, if not near impossible. I have sought therapy twice in a small city, and neither one had a clue what I am going through, dismissing me as taking a simple breakup too seriously...compounding the difficulty is the fact that I work in the mental health field, so those I seek help from are also my colleagues and i have to deal with them on a day to day basis as we are likely to have other clients in common...not fun.

...on the other end of the spectrum I've seen people who are JUST LEARNING about this being told they are not taking it seriously enough, and may even still be in the contemplative stage of change. If that is the case, participating in a forum for people living a narc experience is a step toward being more proactive.

Regardless of which end of the spectrum we are at, a more effective way to introduce tough love is to first explain that it is a serious situation and why, and the consequences of failing to recognise it as such. When the person comes back to the forum appearing to be looking for a counterproductive form of validation, or showing an ongoing pattern of self-destructive behaviour,THAT is when a tough love approach will hold more meaning. When a person is raw from trauma, certain reactions can compound the sting..it's known as TRIGGERS. All the well meaning in the world does not take away the fact that newbies do not need further triggering any more than cowtowing to a narc will make them see the light and ride us all off into the sunset. THe last thing we need at the beginning of trying to figure this all out is to be triggered and be judged...and I fail to see the "love" in criticising someones qualifications to have children..narcs reproduce every day with MANY OF US, and I would hardly call THEM parent-worthy...the last thing ANY of us needs is to be judged in that way...and I'm not projecting because I have NO children.

We are here for help, and there is a time and place for tough love. Working in the addictions field, if someone were to enter my office for the first time to talk about their addiction and considering what changes they need to make, for me to jump RIGHT into "tough love" could trigger a traumatic event, and scare them right out the door back to the streets to look for a fix. Sometimes destructive decisions are all a person KNOWS due to their life circumstance and really, really need to work in baby steps. And judging them for other areas in their life could result in a formal complaint and my work ethics being questioned.

I realize that everyone here has been to the school of hard knocks, and peoples approach to giving advice appears to be personality-driven in some cases. With that said, I think everyone deserves a chance to work at their own pace, and recognition to the fact that what is effective for some may not work on others, due to the type of experience they are coming from. We do not have the benefit of human communication beyond the words we type.

Observations = helpful.....Judgements = not helpful

My advice to the newbies is to READ READ READ the posts of others...if someone looks like you could relate to them, send a message and see if they will share a dialogue with you. Also get to know the regular posters and their idiosynchracies, mod or not (honestly, I don't pay attention to who's a mod and who's not.., each individual earns my respect...or not...based on the effectiveness of their approach to my personality...and I'm pretty sure my personality is not the cup of tea of some members, which I am perfectly OK with)

Once you get an idea of how people approach comments, you'll be less likely to take personally an approach that is not conducive to your needs at the time you've shared a situation. Peoples different perspectives are just that. DIFFERENT PERSPECTIVES...really try not to take it as a personal attack...ultimately the advice you follow is up to you.

Last but not least, regardless of the approach taken, I want to thank ALL of you for being here, i am so much less alone...i know everyone's intentions are good, even those who appear to need a bit more time to let it sink in the committment it is to free ourselves from the grip of...is it the narcs?...or is it ourselves?

Thanks for reading this lengthy post, yours truly, uncomfortablynumb, who once thought she was 2 months into NC when I realised FB creeping is contact, so I'm actually on day 4.

If I may, I would like to make a comment on the disharmony on the site the past few days.

I know that Goldie posted that criticizing the moderators for their approach has to end and it will not be tolerated.

To make sure this doesn't happen again I think sweetpeasarah's post should be saved for future reference if needed. It would be a great post for someone who may have a similiar issue with a mod down the road.

Just trying to nip it in the butt before we have another 2 pages of nonsense, wasted time and energy.

Loserfree

Regarding Hunter and her help towards you.

I would like to speak to the bigger picture here. This is a recovery site for those involved with and healing from a PD. I am the lead moderator and I work directly with Lisa on a daily basis. I also am in hourly contact with the other moderators.

We are all about recovery and healing here on the Path Forward. This business on here of rating the moderators is NOT GOING TO FLY. I don't want to be a party to it on the OPEN FORUM. All the moderators are equally great for a variety of reasons.

One may resonate with you and another may not. This is why we have so many. So that ALL of your recovery needs are met.

MOVING FORWARD, I do not want to hear about who you don't like and why. It's rude and it's immature.

IF YOU have a problem with a moderator or a comment from anyone.

Do the right thing and PM ME. Please do not PUT ALL THE INNOCENT people reading these posts and trying to get through the day through this DRAMA.

There are people I am working with everyday, behind the scene's with REAL PROBLEMS who do NOT need to be reading this on the open forum.

ARE YOU AWARE, that we get almost 4 million hits a month on this forum???

That there are members and readers here from all over the world looking for HELP. Insight, widom, healing, and recovery .

They DO NOT need to be reading that a member is leaving because they did not care for the exact wording of a response from a moderator.

I have ALL the confidence in our moderators as does Lisa. We are a united team.

PLEASE STOP and if you have a problem, take it up in a PM and allow the other members to recover in PEACE.

Thank you for your understanding with this. Let's get back on track and LET IT GO.

God bless,
Goldie