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narc's friends
slowly.moving.forward
Member since:
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1 year 10 weeks
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narc's friends
Posted May 17, 2012 - 11:13am
I'm really been struggling with why he even has any friends left. I wanted to educate myself more on who Ns tend to target as far as choosing friends. I've been looking through Lisa's favorites and also googling online but not finding much. I did read/watch Sam Vaknin's stuff. Has anyone found anything particularly good on this topic? Thanks!
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The Fake Friends of the N
May 19, 2012 - 10:31am — Crescent MoonAs a clinical psychologist and fellow recovering ex of a N, a daughter of a N, and a fierce warrior for loving Truth, these are my professional and personal observations:
1. N's do not have "friendships" the way that you or I would understand them to mean: their "friends" usually have NO idea of their behaviors, inability for intimacy, and psychosis. N's tend to hide this very well by playing The Hero, The Nice Guy, The Guy You Can Talk To, The Rescuer, The Party Guy, etc. Trust that these are facades masking emptiness.
2. Often "friends" of a N deny the pathology of the N because to admit that he is PD would mean that they would have to face that they let a psychopath into their inner circle, and that is painful, so it is not typically made conscious.
3. Friendships with a N typically revolve around "fun"--empty pursuits like partying, thrill seeking, trash talking, comparing dick size, etc. There is no real relationship with a N. The second that the N feels overpowered or undersized, he splits. Hence, friendships are shallow, fleeting, and based only on some material or psychological gain.
EXACTLY!
May 19, 2012 - 11:15am — wshTook me awhile, but eventually I realized that ALL of his "friends" were people that he felt "superior" to! He was constantly trashing them behind their backs - spoke often about how they "needed" HIM because of their lack of something. And the only times they spent time together was if he needed their "help" with something (chores or something so he could be "boss" & they play the "underling helper" role) or the sit around getting drunk party crap. & if a "friend" ever got pissed at him for anything, they were OUT.
NOT "friends" - just more supply.
Different
May 18, 2012 - 5:44pm — DeestarrMy ex N had huge amount of friends.... Hundreds of friends on fb Or so I thought......
But once I got to know him I realized that he did know lots of people (supply) but he actually didn't have many close friends.
A few female friends who he saw every few months ..... Which were probably his groupies.
He supposedly had great mates but all they ever did was get hammered.... There was no substance to the relationship.
And he had a few close friends but he actually spent no time with them so I don't think they were very close.
I always thought it was strange as a couple that we never made friends together. I truly believe now that people sub consciously picked up on his bad vibe!
He even told me when we were first together that he 'goes off people' every now and then and diss appears for a while and makes new friends! Talk about red flag!!!
I found out later that he didn't disappear.... People ditched him cause he was an arsehole.
Scary thing is he is now a cop too!
All the pieces of the N puzzle were there.... I just didn't see them!
Glad I'm out.
My exnh has no friends, he as
May 18, 2012 - 4:09am — eyeswideopen35My exnh has no friends, he as a few people he sees every now and them when he wants something..
I have seen him d&d his family, the few friends he had, co workers, band members, everyone who has ever been in his life he does this too... It's only a matter of time, it's usually because he either grew bored of them ,didn't need them anymore, or they did something he didn't like...
I remember him saying to me years ago that he made a pact with himself he would only keep those people in his life who were a positive influence, the rest could go..
A saw a few drop off over the years because of the way he spoke to them, he could never understand why they wouldnt talk to him anymore. Even a year after having no contact with that person he would say, oh i was thinking I'd send so and so a msg see what there up too..
I was shocked thinking there is no way that person would respond after you were so cruel to them... He genuinely had no clue!
my exnarch does not have a
May 17, 2012 - 10:16pm — missymmy exnarch does not have a single friend from his school days, college, grad school, previous work places, NADA. NONE.
He is extremely handsome, externally charming, competent, "normal" - right....NO.
Now, as a 44 year old, he has a former neighbor of ours who is now also divorced, his business partner, also now divorced...and the skank OW (and her crowd)...
that is IT. what a legacy.
Mine has some long term
May 17, 2012 - 8:15pm — uncomfortablynumbMine has some long term friends...but he is a small-town boy, and in my experience with small towns, what you get is what you get, so people just get used to eachother as they grow up. When I think of some of my friends Ive had since childhood, I can think of one or 2 that lasted more out of habit, and sometimes wonder if I were to meet this person today, would I want to be her friend?
Interestingly enough, I recently ran into a long-term buddy of my exN's, who blatantly admitted to me that he is a douche to women.
Mine had a friend
May 17, 2012 - 8:25pm — BtrflyGrlFrom the small town he was from, he always had stories about this guy.
Well the guy ended up moving in with ExN's father and ExN said it was good that his father could actually parent a son at this late date.
They guy ending up OD'ing and ExN was hardly phased. I found it very odd. This person you claim as your life long friend has a lonely tragic end and you just kind of shrug it off? I thought then, maybe it was too painful for him to deal with. But now... I don't think he really cared.
The guy was just a story for him. Somebody to use when convienient.
Obviously, something is wrong with this picture.
Ya that's quite disturbing..
May 17, 2012 - 8:40pm — uncomfortablynumbYa that's quite disturbing..
thanks for all the input
May 17, 2012 - 2:30pm — slowly.moving.f...So I guess all his long term friends must be narcs. He's had friends that he's had for 20 years. Although, he has moved around the country a lot. I have definitely noticed he cycles through some friends and definitely has "groupies". He is very funny and charismatic so he attracts people pretty easily. It even makes him good at his good--a non profit fundraiser. Which he loves to use to make himself look like a good person. It's really part of the whole injustice you feel after you get so hurt. Why doesn't EVERYONE get it? Oh well, he's not my problem anymore. Thank god!
smf, I read somewhere that
May 17, 2012 - 1:40pm — spinninga red flag with narcs and psychopaths is there will be two distinct groups with regard to them. One group will think they're the greatest person in the world and the other will despise them.
This was true in Freak Boy's case. Interestingly enough, I initially put myself in the first category...which there were few "friends" in but the people who liked him thought he was a big, misunderstood, brilliant gem. Later on I realized why the majority group (those who despised him and went out of their way to expose him publicly...he was a cop) saw the truth of him. The very few "friends" freak boy has are like I used to be...self-deprecating, somewhat shy, insecure, marched to the beat of a different drummer, timid, etc. They were mostly much younger and wowed by his police uniform and intellect (he has a master's in psychology and in tactical warfare...what a combo).
Ugh. Whatever. He chose his friends like he chose me...Easy Prey for the worship club. No longer. He would run like a frightened rabbit if he saw me now. He would no longer be interested in the person I have become. That makes me very happy and you might say it is the one and only real "gift" he ever gave me.
xoxo
(not) spinning. NO WAY. HE'S NOT WORTH THE EFFORT OR THE ENERGY
What I find disturbing are
May 18, 2012 - 4:01pm — bluegirlWhat I find disturbing are the occupations of some of these people. A cop! Absolute power in certain situations - scary stuff. And I read that another is a school principal. He is influencing children every day!
Cop
May 18, 2012 - 4:18pm — HunterHahaha..
Cop spells Narc ..
Does that surprise u ? Power and Control?? Think about it..
Good guy to your face . And handcuffs in their pocket ready to use in more ways than one..
I have not met one who is not A Narc .. Not a one. I have financed half my towns police force.. Ego mania.. And the other half have such horrible credit they don't qualify to be financed.
smoke and mirrors
Yuck,Yuck,Yuck
Ask Spinning how much she likes Cops!!
Hunter
You won't find anything..
May 17, 2012 - 1:34pm — HunterYou won't find anything.. They have no friends!!
At least not for long or they hang with other narcs!'
My narcs friend is his PSYCHOPATH MOTHER..
Hunter
just a question
May 17, 2012 - 1:20pm — JaxI'm kind of curious....
So what does it mean when they describe someone as a "very close" or "really, really good friends?"
If it is a woman that means
May 18, 2012 - 4:02pm — bluegirlIf it is a woman that means someone they used to have sex with and probably currently still have sex with now and then.
what's that saying? keep your
May 17, 2012 - 1:31pm — Deidre99what's that saying? keep your friends close, your enemies closer? lol
they could say the sky is purple...i think they say things to sound normal. if the person is truly a narc, they don't have truly mutually respectful friendships. they change their facebook friend list like they change their underwear...
totally agree with
May 17, 2012 - 2:20pm — flowerstotally agree with 'change their facebook friend list like they change their underwear.' i noticed XN used to update his friend list way too often: deleting friends and adding new persons, only to be deleted again soon. they are completely unable to maintain a friendship, a real one.
Sometimes they pick people just like them!
May 17, 2012 - 12:02pm — Lobo555What's better for a narc than looking in a mirror?
CharlieSheenWinning's BFF, whom I've dubbed The Hound of the Baskervilles, is *just* like him. They even womanize the same. I know -- I've unfortunately been hit on by both. It worked for CharlieSheenW long ago, but not ever for The Hound. When The Hound recently tried to get me to be "alone" with him, I refused, then watched him walk away. I thought, "Good Lord, they even *walk* the same!" It was weird.
Two narcs boost each other, feed each other's egos -- therefore boosting their own. They validate each other, praise each other for their "winning" ways. It's a sickly symbiotic relationship.
The friends can be just as poisonous as the original narc. Watch out for them, too.
They cycle through friends
May 17, 2012 - 11:52am — Deidre99They cycle through friends too.
I read something insightful last year, when I was stuggling with this, too. It was a piece about bullies, and how many bullies have what seems to be a following, but why is that? The article went on to say that many people who befriend bullies, and stay their friends is because they wish to never be on the receiving end of the bullying, done by the bully. That was quite a lightbulb moment for me!
I started thinking to the friends (at that time, I heard last year that he came unglued and deleted them all off of his FB) he had amassed, and they all fell into the following categories:
* groupies/fans
* afraid of him
* women who were chasing him
That's pretty much it. He never talked about 'good buddies.' They were all part of those three classifications, as I thought about it, last year.
So, rest assure, his 'friends' are not really 'friends.' Your ex is incapable of a real sustainable mutually respectful 'friendship.' So, it stands to reason that those people who associate with him, do so for the reasons listed above.
Just my take upon reading about it a bit last year.
That explains so much
May 17, 2012 - 2:39pm — EmvaScumbag claims to have 2 best bestest friends (both girls he was at college with and no doubt slept with). Judging by the way they both come running to do him a favour when he clicks his fingers, they'd be the groupies - even though they're both in relationships.
I think narcs need a display of friends for 2 reasons. 1, to make them look like normal human beings so you think any issues you have must be your problem (what was in the Narcspeak article, 'all of my friends love me...') and 2, at least in my case I'm guessing, as bait for us - they stay friends with their exes! They must be such a great guy! We can stay friends!
More smoke and mirrors.
Emva, what Narcspeak article
May 19, 2012 - 7:39am — Belle de jourEmva, what Narcspeak article are you reffering to? I can't find it. What you wrote hit home. In our last communication, the exN told me, all of my friends love me, you know it very well, so what you think about me is your own bitterness for having failed to become a part of my life.
Ugh...I'm angry again
here
May 19, 2012 - 8:43am — room101http://www.lisaescott.com/narcspeak
Thanks :)
May 19, 2012 - 10:00am — Belle de jourThanks :)
YES...that's it... Beware of
May 17, 2012 - 2:50pm — Deidre99YES...that's it...
Beware of ANY man who always has a harem of women on his facebook, or in his life. Who come a runnin when he beckons.
I so wish I knew all this before I got mixed up with ex narcs, but live, stumble, and learn!
Worshippers/Groupies/Employees
May 17, 2012 - 12:04pm — abrevaYes -- I stayed with EXNH-Psychopath for a very long time because I was Afraid to Leave Him.
The EXNH-Psychopath doesn't have friends -- he has people who are USEFUL to him, who worship him and who he controls. Seriously.
I have come to learn that a whole lot of people think he is Creepy and Scary.
Or as I like to think of him -- a Dweeb.
yes yes yes! as long as they
May 17, 2012 - 1:02pm — Deidre99yes yes yes! as long as they are all cowtowing to him/her, they shall remain a 'friend.'
I agree. My n always found
May 17, 2012 - 11:57am — findingfreedomI agree. My n always found new friends to think he was fabulous. Once they disagreed with him on anything, he would d&d them too. Anyone the least bit critical wasn't "really" his friend. Also, they live in fear of ending up Aline. Or at least mine did.
D & D for sure
May 17, 2012 - 12:08pm — lessonlearnedcomment from the N's mother on the day i tossed him out the door: "if there's one thing he's good at, it's burning bridges."
every N knows there is always more supply to be found. no need to work at keeping or maintaing "friendships." they do not value others as human beings, only as supply, so people are totally replaceable to them.