Sarah's story

We met while we were both married and had children. Myself 4 and him one.. When we first met I was in a good place in my marriage and I blew off his attempts at flirting with me. 2 years later my marriage was suffering and we were texting as friends with some flirtation and i met up with him and we kissed. I felt guilty about it and avoided him for the next 6 months. At that time my marriage wasn't doing any better and we started talking again. He was so understanding and told me how he never loved his wife that they got married cause she was pregnant. He was extremely attentive and charming and eventually one night we were out drinking with mutual friends and we ended up sleeping together. After that we were inseparable. Talked all day long, secret rendezvous and we fell for each other HARD. 5 months later the affair came out and both of us filed for divorce. At that point everything changed. The roller coaster of jekyll and hyde. I would have weeks of him being the wonderful person I feel in love with and then I would do something that upset him ( usually something completely ridiculous to most people but to him it was the end of the world and it would be days of verbal abuse and silent treatment ) after about 3 months my divorce was final and long story short his ended up taking about a year. I stuck it out with promises that we would be ok as soon as his was final, he was just so stressed....but i was the love of his life and we would finally be happy and be married. During which time I lost all of my friends ( he found something wrong with everyone) and I was a shell of the fun, loving person I once was. Before the final breakup I was to the point that I contemplated killing myself. His divorce became final in feb and he left me. I was beyond devastated, couldn't eat, couldn't sleep, lost 20 lbs....I looked sick. He said horrible, horrible things to me when he broke it off. A week later he sent me a text saying he hoped I was well and had no hard feelings toward me, another week passed and he sent another saying he didn't understand why wouldn't be cordial to each other, another week passed and he sent more and it wasn't till then that I actually response to him. I agreed to allow him to come over (prior to the breakup we had been loving together, then I moved into my own place) so we could talk. He poured his heart out telling me how much he thinks about me everyday and misses me and he ended up spending the night. The next day I noticed he was completely different by the tone of his texts and I went back to no contact. A week or so passed and he texted, another week and he texted again. Every time I saw his number on my phone it created such anxiety for me. I missed him so much and had never loved anyone like I did him but at the same time he had taken everything from me and was so heartless. A few days passed and I was out with some friends and he texted me and the text was so upsetting I ended up passing out and was taken by ambulance to the hospital. He heard about it and texted me the next day not to make sure I was ok but to tell me he absolutely would never contact me again. 4 days later I woke up to go to work and had 5 texts from him from the middle of the night. I replied to him later that day and we talked and he said he couldn't move on...he couldn't live without me, his heart wasine, so in love with me, etc. he agreed to go to counseling to get help. 5 days later he left again with no warning. Left me devastated again. A week later I got a ton of texts in the middle of the day from him accusing me of trying to sleep with a mutual friend of ours. Which was completely outrageous since I can't even look at other men, think about being with other men or even talking like that with anyone else. For the most part I didn't even acknowledge the accusations cause they were so off the wall. Another week passed and he contacted me again and I allowed him to come over so we could talk. Mainly because I felt this need to defend myself. He again agreed to seek help, said he couldn't move on....blah, blah, blah. I unfortunately still wanted to believe their is good in him and we started seeing each other again. Everything was wonderful for a week. He got upset about something, devalued me for 2 days, was distant for 4 more and then he was gone. No goodbye, just gone. That was a week ago.
So here I am...alone, heartbroken over all me and my children sacrificed to be with this man. I have been in reiki therapy since feb and between that all my friends that accepted me back I am in a better place than I was then but I can't lie and say that he isn't in my every thought. If history repeats itself I'm sure I haven't heard the last of him. I've been reading this site constantly to keep reminding myself that he will never change and nothing I do or don't do matters, it wasn't my fault. Prior to meeting him I had never cheated in any relationship I had ever been in. After the affair came out I was guilt ridden over the pain we had caused innocent people for the entire year afterwards. Through counseling I have finally forgiven myself. Anyway, I decided to put my story out there as reading some of yours has been so helpful for me in validating the depths of darkness I have been in and that I'm not alone. I'm thankful I found this site and if nothing else it helped me to write this out. I long for the day that this all a distant memory, but my fear is I have a long road of recovery ahead.