Narcissists Do Have Feelings (just not for you!)

Narcissists Do Have Feelings (just not for you!)
2

There is much conversation here about the NarcoPath and if they experience emotions.

I came across this blog site (Narcissists Suck) that explores this question. I've posted some of my sentiments here but I like what 'Anna Valerious' has to say about the emotional life of Narcs.

She says:

"the more narcissistic a person is the easier it is to hurt their feelings"

and

"They can be the biggest ass about your feelings, but watch the tears (or rage) start when you accidentally bump into one of theirs!"

I'm not saying that I agree with her totally but it is an interesting take on the Narcissist's emotional world. Here's the link:

http://narcissists-suck.blogspot.com/2009/01/do-they-have-feelings.html

Canada's picture

From my new weekly syndicated

From my new weekly syndicated column in the newspaper called "Douchey Says":

"One of my big things is that I am really good at understanding what it's like to walk in other people's shoes."

CRICKETS

no more an echo's picture

O Canada! (I can't resist that!)

You gotta say, though: These FREAKS of nature are MASTERS of self-promotion!

I should have given him *CRICKETS* from the very beginning. He would have run so fast and so far from me. They seek applause, accolades, love, hate, drama- and nothing short of worship.

That's why SILENCE (in the form of No Contact) works so well with the NarcoPaths. Love them or abuse them but how dare we IGNORE them!

p.s. I think you should start a "Douchey Says" thread on The Path Forward and every day you could give us a Skullet-uttered 'Gem'!

Canada's picture

If I were to do that I would

If I were to do that I would start with this wee gem:

Douchey Says: "Hey you look thin in that picture, is that really you?"

CRICKETS

Canada's picture

I think my response to his

I think my response to his ridicuous line was:

"Really?"

*snort*

no more an echo's picture

I feel a slapping-spree coming on!

Kinda makes you wanna bitch slap them into next week, Canada...

Crickets are still better, though!

mountainpeace's picture

great article thanks for

great article thanks for posting the link, no more an echo,

I especially like this quote..." Pop their grandiosity bubble, fail to reflect their illusion of themselves back to them as they want you to, remind them of reality in any way they have chosen to ignore, fail in any way to give them what they want even if they haven't told you what they want, and you'll find yourself dealing with the intensely offended narcissist. Most times you've unintentionally done it. That never gets you off the hook."

this is what we do when we go NC we hurt the N's lil feelings boo hoo..... :)

no more an echo's picture

an overly honed (miscalibrated) conscience

Thanks, Mountainpeace.

I also liked this from that article:

"Do you find yourself flagellating yourself when you "hurt" the feelings of someone who regularly abuses you and your feelings? What is up with that???...

"You may be someone with an overly honed conscience... a conscience big enough for several people! Abusive types get away with a lot when they have your very sensitive conscience to manipulate. There is such a thing as having an ill-informed and hyper conscience, and it needs to be corrected at times...

"If you've been raised by a narcissist the narcissist worked your conscience over pretty good. They miscalibrated your conscience intentionally so it would tell you that you're being "mean" or "bad" simply because you've not given them what they want. (Even just living a long time with a narcissist will likely cause you to miscalibrate your conscience so it aligns with the narcissist's demands.)"

Wow. That really explains WHY MY BOUNDARIES WERE SO WEAKENED. I felt (especially when I was a child) that I was 'being mean' when I asserted myself. I DID have to say 'no' quite a lot but I always felt GUILTY for doing so!

Canada's picture

How to Piss Off a Woman in 15 E-Z steps (or less)

I'm sharing my Note from Facebook that I wrote merely a week before D&D in March.

NMAE, I think you've seen this bit already. I wrote it the day after suffering through a Conscience Flagellation Breakfast with Douchey, after which I ended up apologizing and hating myself afterward. You can see here that I was putting the pieces together, but I hadn't discovered this site yet:
__________________________________________________________

How to Piss Off a Woman in 15 E-Z steps (or less)
Tuesday, 20 March 2012

Sometimes you feel like the only woman in the world that's pulling her hair out after receiving this treatment from a man. Then you read something like this, and you laugh your head off with relief.

Ladies, enjoy this excerpt of the top 15 things men say to women when they are confronted with their bad behaviour, called "How to Shift the Blame, the Textbook Guide" from Sherry Argov's book Why Men Love Bitches. (I'm not really into men-bashing, but this is particularly true) ...and feel free to add your own.

1. Tell her that the timing to discuss it isn't right. It's never a good time to "talk."

2. Tell her she took everything wrong and is being too sensitive and overly dramatic.

3. Tell her she's overreacting, blowing it out of proportion and imagining things.

4. Say, "You're starting your period aren't you?"

5. Point out that she was the one who started the argument.

6. If she has six good points, and you have one semi-good point, place all of the emphasis on your one semi-good point, then demand a quick answer. If she hesitates, use this as evidence that you are right.

7. If she is clearly right, find fault with her that has nothing to do with the incident, and use that.

8. Create your own imaginary panel of experts (composed of people she's never met). Say, "Even Joe and Jim agree with me and think you are completely unreasonable."

9. Tell her, "You're doing this to yourself."

10. Ask her why she can't just let it go.

11. Remember, it's always her fault. That's your story, and you are stickin' to it.

12. When she accuses you of being selfish, say, " Well, I think you're selfish too."

13. Tell her you can't remember the issue, after all, she can't argue about something that only exists in her mind.

14. Dance around the issue, lie and change the subject as many times as possible.

15. Manipulate the hell out of her by accusing her of her lack of support, loyalty and acceptance.

Result? You've completely escaped responsibility and have successfully shifted the blame to her, who will immediately apologize for causing such 'trouble'. Congratulations! She now resents your total lack of empathy and has lost all respect for you.

Great book, chicklets, should be prescribed reading for every 18-year-old girl.

no more an echo's picture

Jules...

You need to copy this and start a NEW thread- I'm afraid it will get lost here!

Please do that- it's just too good to be sandwiched here!

I did see this (or parts of it) before- you may have shared it awhile back. Still great.

Funny how long ago it seems that we extricated our parasites from our life. It hasn't even been a year and see how much we've grown (and how much better our lives are!)

Canada's picture

I think I did a long time

I think I did a long time ago, can't remember when though.

I find this compilation so fascinating because I was ALMOST there in terms of understanding the true concept of lack of empathy. I was even so bold to post it while we were still connected on The Facebooks.

Secondtimearound's picture

Thanks

Thank you, No more an echo!
Since coming here, I have found my confusion lessening little by little. However, I just couldn't subscribe to the idea that the narcissist had no feelings. Originally from reading post after post here, that was what I thought I was hearing. That did not resonate well with me. I was missing a piece of the puzzle and this was it. I knew he had feelings, genuine feelings. I saw them, felt them and sensed them. What I couldn't sort out was that none of them were for anyone but himself. I love when things become clearer and clearer. Yes, he had VERY sensitive feelings. (Lord knows I had to watch every little thing I said and how I said it) Yes, they were only about himself and NOBODY/NOTHING else. He was/is incapable of applying any emotion outside of himself and that will never change.
The people on this site are amazing, intelligent, strong people.

no more an echo's picture

WHO NEEDED WHO in this equation?

Hi Secondtimearound!

You wrote:

"The people on this site are amazing, intelligent, strong people"

Yes!!! We ALL are amazing in our own unique ways- and generous and loving, too! That's why the NarcoPaths needed to feed on us!

To the Newbies here:

As you grieve his loss in your life and the death of your dream (and you WILL get beyond this), understand that we WERE the 'host' and he will FOREVER be just a 'parasite'. This is how HE SETS UP ALL his "relationships"... Now tell me:

WHO NEEDED WHO in this equation? WE are the strong ones- the REAL and true people. The self-actualized and soulful beings who will MOVE ON and love again. He's just out seeking fresh warm blood!

mountainpeace's picture

very well said and empowering

very well said and empowering to us newbies.. the ones just going NC and trying to be strong!

I heard from a friend of mine the following great advice, he said to me " the person you loved in that relationship was you when you thought this man had all of these characteristics you could only imagine them because these characteristics are in yourself, not him.... "

that was very empowering advice.... and it's true... when we were with the N we projected them to have these caring sweet emotions but they were just pretending to have them from a projection of what we were showing them!!!
Yes we are the strong ones...
and it's funny I heard from a girl friend of mine that it's getting harder for men in general (narcs, etc.) to find women to date... so many women are fed up with dating in general that the men are starting to go crazy inside for sex lol :) that the tables have turned.... :) maybe this is what the Mayans were talking about? 2012!!!! :) the age of Goddess!!!! :)?

brinamarie's picture

NMAE, i love reading your

NMAE, i love reading your posts! They are always insightful, thought through, and well written..

I just want to add what i think Anna is referring to is not necessarily empathy for themselves, rather Narcissistic Injury. Sam Vakrin talks alot about this.

My N mom who is NPD, would appear empathetic. She'll cry at the news, and pretend to have empathy, but she really just thrives off of drama and tragedies. She gets some sick pleasure offf of others pain. Its like she knows her empty life is not the worst out there and this brings tears to her eyes. She says she feels pain deeply (like an empath - which i am. Only i am a victim of abuse not the abuser). Its very strange. Shes npd, but also borderline/histrionic. Drama drama drama!!!!!!

W my exN bf, he was "sensitive" but due to N Injury. It was never feeling empathy. It was a blow to his fragile ego that caused him to emit emotions he was just mirroring..

If that makes sense :) just a thought

no more an echo's picture

Narcissists Suck

I was going to start a new topic when I realized that I already had this from a few months back. I re-read the article above from the blogspot "Narcissists Suck"...It's just so good.

On how the Abusive Person has empathy only for her/himself and CHOOSES to ignore your needs, rights and feelings, 'Anna Valerious' writes:

"They know what they're doing. Their empathy allows them to know how you feel. They simply refuse to feel anything for your sake...Anyone who is in a relationship with an abusive person has seen how sensitive the abuser's feelings are. People who stay in abusive relationships seem to be those who can't see the huge disconnect in their own thinking. The disconnect is this wide gulf between the abuser's lack of empathy for you at the time they're abusing you and yet how carefully you have to step around the abuser's feelings at all times! The common refrain among those caught in abusive relationships is "walking on eggshells". The abuser's feelings rein supreme at all times. Everyone else is expected to cowtow to, step around, coddle, soothe, and respect the feelings of the abuser at all times."

Yes. They are aware of what they are doing. Abusers on the high end of the NarcoPath spectrum are actually sadistic and ENJOY watching us squirm when they dish out their crap. We empaths and co-dependents tend to give people the benefit of a doubt and far too many chances to redeem themselves. It freed me when I understood how calculating these Soulless Ones truly are. It also really helped me in my commitment to STAY with my "No Contact" decision. To cut off ALL PEOPLE that I and ex-Narc had in common.

I also LOVE THIS from her article:

"...abusers will act like they care about your feelings. This is strategic, intermittent, and shallow. Whenever the rubber hits the road, for all the times the abuser has acted concerned about how you feel, you find yourself once again treated like crap on his or her shoe when you most need a kind word or some concern. They will sometimes, maybe even often, mouth words of caring and concern about you and your feelings, but it never seems to translate into something real when you most need them to give a damn."

Did all the Narcs in your life let you down just when you needed them the most? All my past Narc lovers and Narc friends, had an uncanny ability to turn every event and conversation BACK ON THEMSELVES. In times of pain and uncertainty, instead of offering comfort, the Narc will turn it into a competition. If you were sick with a cold, well, THEY were SICKER.

Gosh, what was I thinking?...At least now, I'm LEARNING how to handle these emotional and spiritual vampires.

Here's that link to 'Anna V.'s ' blog:

http://narcissists-suck.blogspot.com/2009/01/do-they-have-feelings.html

Alissa's picture

Thanks for the link , NMAE!!

Thanks for the link , NMAE!! That's a great article
xx Alissa

onwithmylife's picture

no more an echo

her website was one of the early ones I discovered and excellent words of wisdom, I always thought the exnarc was a master of the DOUBLE standard, he could put me down or criticise with no regards to my feelings but i had to walk on eggshellsall the time I was around him and watch every word out of my mouth, what a frigging nightmare, this time i want a REAL man........

no more an echo's picture

a real man!

OWML,

I, too want a REAL MAN!

I'm done with these WOODEN BOYS acting like immature JACKASSES that are reluctant to leave PLEASURE ISLAND! (Pinocchio references)

Alissa's picture

Yes I had to walk on

Yes I had to walk on eggshells all the time too, watch every single word (or question) that would come out of my mouth, and even THEN I would always have to worry : 'did I say something wrong?'

And when I would ask him that (because his behavior changed ... for example, no more emails all of a sudden): "Did I say something wrong, N?" , he would get furious and would start yelling at me: "ALWAYS THE SAME QUESTIONS! CAN'T YOU SAY SOMETHING FUN?!?!? " (Translated: 'can't you talk about SEX?!?!?' )

Nightmare for sure.

no more an echo's picture

insolence!

insolence Alissa!

How DARE you QUESTION the KING! Did you think you two were on EQUAL ground? Silly woman (that were all were!)

Freedom and autonomy rocks!

onwithmylife's picture

alissa

ALL we were and I mean ALL ,were sexual blowup dolls for these men..that was it,i even felt like an object one time after we made love, and knew nothing about NPD at the time.

Costa's picture

feelings?

Yes, the one in my life was so easily offended, but could not sympathize with me or others in any way. Totally self-focussed. To this day I see the predominant symptom of exN as pure selfishness, with a secretive component I could never quite put my finger on.

Thank you for the link.

no more an echo's picture

"secretive component"

Hi Costa,

So, what do you think that "secretive component" is?

Lookonthesunnyside's picture

Oh, totally. How dare I make

Oh, totally. How dare I make any comment that could ever in this world be perceived as an insult, yet he can flat out put me down.

Hard to understand as normal people how they can be so hypocritical. But thats their nature I guess

Sadangelintears's picture

I like her

She has a lot of interesting stuff I agree with her about the statement trust me I have tried it! And it shut both my ex N's up FAST. My exNH was a big mouth he knew everything and always talked to me like I was a child. He would go on for hours if you let him. The whole time we were married he would argue I mean talk at me about how childish I was. Now sense he has no control over me I started asking about his childhood. Just one question and I shut him up in 3 mins he had to hand up he had to go to a meeting lol.

no more an echo's picture

read this also if you have a narc parent

Sadangelintears,

Yay to you for getting your know-it-all-Narc to shut up!
(And also for taking back your power!)

This was also a good article for anyone with a Narc parent. She talks about having an 'overly honed conscience' and being easier to manipulate because of that- due to our upbringing.

I also wish that I knew about CD and disparities between words and actions when I was a child. She writes:

"I'd like to insert at this point that abusers will act like they care about your feelings. This is strategic, intermittent, and shallow. Whenever the rubber hits the road, for all the times the abuser has acted concerned about how you feel, you find yourself once again treated like crap on his or her shoe when you most need a kind word or some concern. They will sometimes, maybe even often, mouth words of caring and concern about you and your feelings, but it never seems to translate into something real when you most need them to give a damn. Remember my maxim: when the words stand in contradiction to the behaviors you must believe the behaviors!"

Yep. Just one more reason it felt like a 'quasi-relationship'!