losing the battle's story

The Pedestal

Hi, I'm new here, just found you guys and you're telling my story, each and every one of you.
21 days NC and 11 months post break up and only now am I starting to understand what went wrong and how brainwashed I am.
I thought, last summer that his leaving had come out of nowhere. I know from past experience with him that he doesn't just leave, he HAS TO have someone to go to. He got engaged to me before he left his wife (unknown to me!) and he left me for a new supply some years back. She didn't want him and I allowed him back. In fact, I allowed him back then bought him a car!!!
This time it has taken me almost a year to realise history was repeating as I found solid evidence that he bought an engagement ring 3 days after he walked out of our home. OW is a vulnerable single mum with young babies who he had only known online (never met in person) so didn't know that he has no contact with his family, no friends, is practically bankrupt, and that his own kids from previous supplies refuse to see him. No, she only knows what he tells her. When her family rightly became suspicious, he calls them controlling and states they have wrecked all his plans, so would I please take him back even though I have made his life a misery for the past three years!!!!

What I want to ask is, is it normal that I continue to see him on a pedestal? I don't mean 'adoringly' (not anymore, even though I'm still very hurt). I mean in a 'all powerful' way. Sometimes I feel that the whole world knows him and loves him and that everyone believes his tales that I am evil. I know this is paranoia. He has no friends, no contacts on social network sites, and at last contact, was alone, broke and falling apart. Yet in my mind I see this God who is the wonderful one, the one I should be honoured to call my man... am I just going mad???

I think it's many years of his brainwashing me, making me feel ugly, making me believe he has to fight off women, and also having me think he has the decency to do so!
This guy has NOTHING going for him, whilst I have made new friends (he subtly made me lose my old ones). I have been able to rebuild my career, and more importantly my beautiful kids have forgiven me for allowing this monster into our lives and have become so close to me again. I wouldn't want to spend another minute in his company.

So why do I feel scared that I am turning away the most eligible, desirable man a woman could dream of????