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Need to be hit over the head with something?
beautifulmess
Member since:
1 year 18 weeks
1 year 18 weeks
Last activity:
14 weeks 3 days
14 weeks 3 days
Need to be hit over the head with something?
Posted May 14, 2012 - 7:32pm
Is that what I need to finish this for good? I, like so many went and convinced myself he has a heart. I have been reading and reading, trying to learn. Convinced myself things would be different. I am being d & d. Ignored. ST. I said something to him about not having feelings and he looked seriously HURT, said he was hurt, so I was convinced I must be wrong because nobody without feelings could possibly look so hurt right? NC starting NOW. I am really starting to hate him. NCNC. Fucking selfish user!
© E. Scott Enterprises | Lisa E. Scott
We are not certified mental health professionals and this site and message board is in no way a replacement for professional therapy, legal or medical advice.
It's called manipulation.
May 15, 2012 - 7:37am — Deidre99It's called manipulation. They fake tears, and a whole host of other acts/emotions to gain sympathy, or to look like the victim. Going ST now is making YOU feel bad inside. It worked!
Not that they can 'never' feel...they are human. But, in this case, my guess would be he is wanting to appear victimized by your harsh words...oh no, you said something he didn't like...the horrors.
Healthy people listen to what their loved ones have to say, and try to resolve the issue. Manipulative narcs do the opposite...they go silent. They rant and rave. They accuse the other person of the wrong doing. It leaves the other person wishing he/she never brought up their concerns to begin with.
Google 'breaking up with a manipulator.' I posted a thread here with the link...if you look in section 4 to 6, you'll find it.
I broke NC a few times...and it sucks. Hunter's comment in this thread says it all, though. I want to cry when I read that, because that little sentence changed everything for me. When I would think of breaking NC again, I'd think of her words. (I've told you this before, I'll say it again...THANK YOU, HUNTER!)
They don't change. Stay strong!
His emotions are all reactive, not active
May 14, 2012 - 8:50pm — no more an echoDear beautifulmess,
All humans feel emotions. I believe that Narcs have repressed and subjugated their feelings all their lives and their emotional range is very narrow.
I have experienced what you have described (Narc looking seriously hurt) with my Ex-Narc. I have seen him register the more base emotions- especially shame.
Remember, it is YOUR emotions that he could care less about. The PDI lacks empathy. I find them to be very thin- skinned; they can dish out brutal criticism but they sure can't take even the smallest 'slight'!
Here is what Sam Vaknin has to say about Narcissists, their emotions and lack of empathy:
"Whatever it is that the narcissist experiences as emotions he experiences in reaction to slights and injuries, real or imagined. His emotions are all reactive, not active. He feels insulted – he sulks. He feels devalued – he rages. He feels ignored – he pouts. He feels humiliated – he lashes out. He feels threatened – he fears. He feels adored – he basks in glory. He is virulently envious of one and all."
He believes:
"Narcissism is an effort to contain the ominous onslaught of stale negative emotions, repressed rage, a child's injuries."
For the complete article, go to:
http://samvak.tripod.com/faq33.html
Beautifulmess
May 14, 2012 - 8:18pm — Janie53I think, if I read this correctly, you have had enough. Get educated now; knowledge is power. Start reading!
Stay true to you! Your turn now!
Janie
You'll stop when you've had
May 14, 2012 - 8:11pm — HunterYou'll stop when you've had enough ..
Hunter
beautifulmess
May 14, 2012 - 8:07pm — ruby01Whenever you're in doubt about something he is doing, ask yourself,
"What's in it for him."
because that's what they ask themselves before they commit to doing anything.
He looked hurt because he knew that would get him what he wanted.
Never doubt that everything they do is an act.
Ruby, your comment reminds me
May 14, 2012 - 8:31pm — beautifulmessRuby, your comment reminds me of how a few weeks ago I noticed he added an older woman to his FB. When i asked him about it he was like she is OLD ( my husband has always preferred older.. So moot point there) anyways he said he knew her from college.. That she was renting a room that he had looked at a few months ago .. But he also said "Look, if I wanted to be with her I would have rented her room.. Pursued her and moved in with her and lived there free.. That is how MY mind works". Ugh!
beautifulmess
May 14, 2012 - 8:42pm — ruby01Maybe that is exactly what he did.
He obviously thought about it.
It really doesn't matter because trying to decipher their lies is sickening.
He probably would have if his
May 14, 2012 - 8:59pm — beautifulmessHe probably would have if his sister didn't drag him out of her house because it was dirty and animals everywhere. He is living with a male roomie about 10 mins from me. Yep I agree he thought about it.. For all I know he tried, now THAT would not surprise me.. Don't know who he thinks he's kidding with the "she is OLD" comment..ugh I feel sick!
You believe he looked hurt,
May 14, 2012 - 7:59pm — SparrowYou believe he looked hurt, because you wanted to hurt him. You didn't hurt him, but he IS hurting you.
Do you need to be hit over the head? Most likely. Many of us did or do at some time, you are not alone. It is easy to believe the illusion and it is easy to make excuse after excuse after excuse. because after all, they love us, they told us so.
It is definitely time for you to implement NC. 13 weeks on the forum and you are still at the first step of the healing process. It is time to take the bull by the horns and get tougher with yourself and want more for yourself. It's hard to let go, we all know, but once you do, it will be a bit easier with each day.
Stay strong and good luck getting to the starting gate. You will be fine. And there are many here to help.
Right. 13 weeks. 10 of which
May 14, 2012 - 8:20pm — beautifulmessRight. 13 weeks. 10 of which I spent trying to ignore the truth of what he is and trying to fix my marriage.. Going to counselling. Honestly, I wasn't trying to hurt him,I think I was looking for some kind of denial but I was surprised to see hurt and then just a quiet "that was mean to say". It caught me off guard because I didn't expect it at all.
OMG, he looked hurt, it's called ACTING my dear
May 14, 2012 - 7:42pm — goldieThey are fake and phony this is Narcissism 101. How about the time my Narc was going through drug withdrawal and i threw his throwup pan so hard at him he LOOKED HURT. He said, I always take care of you when you are sick. Yeah right maybe he did that 2 times. I said, you are NOT sick you are a drug addict.
PLEASE read the BLOGS, they are full of WHY you don't go back and WHAT all their crap REALLY means.
You will get there when you are sick and tired of being sick and tired.
My prayers are with you for CLARITY, and a WAKE UP CALL.
God bless,
Goldie
haha Goldie
May 14, 2012 - 8:58pm — sickandtiredofitRight on! That's when I came here and that's what I called myself. I am almost offically divorced, and I moved out and did not go back over a year ago.
I have seen withdrawals too.
May 14, 2012 - 8:11pm — beautifulmessI have seen withdrawals too. Two overdoses, one accompanied by nice grand mal seizure in my bathroom which I believe I was traumatized by seeing. I don't want to be naive here but when I said that to him he looked genuinely hurt, he broke eye contact and looked away.. Looked back at me and said " that was a mean thing to say". I then felt HORRIBLE for saying it. Can narcs not hurt? I mean could he feel hurt because he knows it's true? I only say this because it was immediate reaction on his part, not even a second to put on fake mask.
Them feeling hurt /beautifulmess
May 14, 2012 - 10:53pm — EmmyHi beautifulmess
This is my own opinion (and please no one get mad- thanks)
Sigh. I hear you. They are people. If they can be angry, how can they not be hurt? I know I have seen my N husband be hurt AND I know what his stupid face looks like (since I figured all this out) when he is being completely fake.
It is my feeling that many people here feel safer saying there are no feelings in them, so as to cut confusion and aid healing. But with over 25 years with this man, I know when he was not feeling threatened (by ridiculous things that no one else would see as a threat, mind you), he had normal moments. I know he enjoyed the children when they were very young.
I think it IS true that they have limited, immature emotions. Like, if my husband was hurt, instead of feeling the need for compassion, he would feel instant ANGER and be MEAN. So yeah, he felt the hurt, but did not process it in a normal way.
It's so complicated and I do think everyone is going to be a bit different. Some people have NPD, but others might have some of the traits, but not be full blown.
I think my husband got worse when he felt out-of-control. I TRIED to have and show compassion for him. We begged him to be kinder and he said he would. But it never stuck. He would change strategies to gaslight and confuse us, to keep us under control.
I am trying to make peace with the fact that even if my narc husband DOES have feelings, we have given him HUNDREDS of chances to tell us. We cannot keep trying until we are completely destroyed. For me, that is the bottom line.
((hugs))
--Emmy
beautifulmess
May 14, 2012 - 8:48pm — ruby01The turd I was with would ALWAYS take a moment to collect his thoughts if he was momentarily at a loss for a comeback.
When he was completely overwhelmed, he would panic and completely go ballistic.
OR
May 14, 2012 - 10:56pm — EmmyChange the subject? Answer with nonsense? Throw your own words back at you?
Yep. Anything to take the focus off what a jerk he really was.