I think back on our ten years together and I am a basket full of emotions. This will probly be one of the longest letters I have ever written. I’m not even sure where to start. Maybe with the fact that I am down at the river with my dog and I have never felt more uncomfortable than I do now. That I don’t know how to be alone. That I can hear birds chirping and water running and all those trips we made I don’t ever remember the peaceful feeling this place brings. It was always a rush, hurry up listen, look for our next kill. I honestly don’t know why I ever hunted with you. I love animals I always have and I didn’t enjoy hunting. It was exciting to be successful at something but I was more excited with the relief of being done so I didn’t have to worry about it for another year. I liked the woods and the walks but I never cared if we killed anything it was just being out in the open out with you. But you would get so lost in it. It would be the only thing you lived, dreamed and cared about. Our retirement together was a cabin in the mountains I wanted that so bad from the first day I met you , not because of you necessarily or to hunt but I wanted to grow old with someone and sit on our front porch in oversized rockers and watch the sun set and rise. But to you that dream was about how big we could get the land, and why couldn’t you have it now. I use to invision my head on your shoulder feeling safe laughing about something silly our grandkids did or said and how beautiful the walk was that we had just taken. But I soon learned that no matter how big or small our cabin was, or whether or not the land would be big it wasn’t going to be enough. 5, 10, 1000 acres wouldn’t have satisfied you. It was always more because you deserved it.
And the dreams for the cabin that I liked didn’t matter it was all about the land and what you wanted. I would say how I would like a piece of property that was up in the mountain near a stream with lots of trees surrounding us. You would bring home for sale ads of prairie land. And then the conversations would start about how I wouldn’t want it bad enough, I didn’t want the land like you did, I didn’t show any interest in it, I must have someone else if I cant take the time to look for our future together. I just never did enough. I wanted the cabin, but I wanted simple, just something to grow old in. You wanted grandiose, huge amounts of lands. It wasn’t that I didn’t want the retirement; it was that I was in my thirties; I wanted to live the right now too. But you couldn’t see that you couldn’t enjoy the right now. All you could see is I must not want the future with you. Something I also started to notice was the hate, the anger at woman. It wasn’t lessening with my love it was getting worse and all I could see was us all alone in the woods and you angry pissed off at something never able to see that sun set. There was always a reason, pissed off at Work that was the problem, then when that was gone and you finally got into the academy you were pissed off cuz you weren’t a “real” cop. Even though no one ever said that to you. And when you interviewed for capital police you were pissed you failed the polygraph test twice, you blamed the ones giving you the test and not the fact you were lying about sleeping with underage girls. Everything makes you angry. Someone else was always to blame for your angry. Someone else was out to get you or just didn’t understand you.
No matter what it was it was never your fault and always someone else’s. You would have prime targets, M, your mom, my dad, me. There was always someone to blame, look at Work you got fired for having an affair with the 18 year old secretary. In the middle of our adoption mind you. But you got fired and you blamed your boss you blamed G for back stabbing you, you blamed me for the actual affair because I wasn’t sexual enough for you. Because I didn’t do crazy enough things for you. You want to know the crazy thing, I believed you. I believe I had let you down. I didn’t leave I stayed one to make you happier, try harder, and two to not loose my daughter. We never did get to discuss the Work thing, we never got to talk about how much of an ass you made me look because I thought the young girl was having family problems and I sent you to her I had you give her our vacuum, go to her house to spray for spiders! Stupidly thinking you were just being a nice guy. All those late nights you said you had to work said wait up. I waited up, I kept your dinner warm, I waited to eat with you sometimes 1-2 in the morning but I waited.
When you worked at Work is when we first tired having a baby and yes you had a reversal and yes you made sure everyone was aware of what you did for me. I spent so many nights crying in the bathroom reading the false pregnancy tests. All though we were having sex all the time you complained not enough or I was only having sex for making a baby. When I tried to explain that the books say wait 48 hours to have sex to give you plenty of time to build up. You8 got mad and said I was making our sex life too complicated to where you couldn’t even enjoy yourself. It was one day Brandt, one dad. I only asked you that one time everything else I kept quiet. I kept quiet and quieter and quieter. The first few months of our realtionship were good you were angry, but not angry at me. It was M; she was this horrible awful person, the worst mother and wife I had ever heard of.
I remember one of our first times together. I had made it very clear in the beginning of our relationship that I did not like oral sex that I had huge issues with it and asked you not to do it, but you insisted I should. Every woman does and that it was your “Mission” to make me like it. You through me down on C and H bed ripped my clothes off and went down on me. I grabbed hold of the pillows around me cuz it was so rough and mean.
The tears were falling from my eyes and then, then you bit me down there hard, I screamed out in pain and sat up. I could see the blood I asked you to please stop and you just pushed me down and said I should like it because it was you. It hurt so badly where you had bitten me and you kept getting more and rougher and then you bit me again. You laughed that time when I screamed and called me a baby. It wasn’t a love bit Brandt you drew blood both time so much blood that it ruined you sons blankets and I had to wear pads because of the blood. But we had to have sex right after you bit me and you insisted on kissing me after going down on me. I had told you so many times how much I hated that, how sick it made me, but you just kept saying “If you loved me this wouldn’t bother you, by now you should like it now because its me”. But it didn’t have anything to do with you or my love for you it was something I didn’t like something I didn’t want. Something that really upset me that really freaked me out, that scared me. But threw all ten years you did it anyway. You use to tell me how women loved the size of your tongue and I should be thankful for it.
I remember sitting in the kitchen on Nye lane and you decided that you wanted to go back to church back to the Church. When I tired telling you that it was not something that I wanted to do you said you already had the meetings scheduled for the missionaries to come over and talk with C you told me that if I wanted to be part of the family I would do it. You then spent hours beating me down about how I don’t want to be in this family and I then said ok and did the stupid meetings and became a stupid Mormon. And of course you had all the attention as you were the one who got to baptize me infront of the whole family. And church well it was suppose to make things better right> not so much.
We would fight almost every Sunday morning on the way to church you telling me I was over thinking it or harboring on you. You would barley even sit next to me at church unless it was making you look good on. Oh and the temple classes, that was the next step you wanted was for us to be sealed in the temple. So I went to the classes and did what you said and we were sealed and that was supposed to solve everything, stop your anger. But it didn’t, it was just one more thing for you to be upset about, one more thing where you thought people where judging you. And the truth is they were, they were judging me, that church was scary and sucked ass if you ask me. But this church and all its power that you saw, well when you got caught cheating and they heard about it you wanted nothing more to do with them, garments came off and whiskey was back in the house.
Before we get to far ahead I want to go back to the beginning. All the signs I should have seen, or did see and just ignored because I swore you were the one. Our first date when you invited me down to bully’s and I sat at the table and watched all of the waitresses come over to the table hitting on you, joking with you, you sucking up every second of it and I just sat there wondering wow this guy must be that good or all these woman are just whores or both. But you were interested in me and that made no sense. We played pool that night and you were extremely competitive, with the other guys there and kept leaning into me to show me how to play, even though I had told you I played all the time with my grandpa. But you smelled so good and it had been such a long time since I had a man hold me. You invited you back to my place which is something I never had done in my life. I had never had a one night stand. I was already very drunk and said yes. When we got to my house you instantly started in with trying to have sex. I kept trying to stop you but you were very persuasive. When you stuck your dick in me though I screamed out no Brandt I said no, I don’t want to have sex, not yet. You got up said what ever and walked out. I didn’t lead you on that night Brandt, I told you I wouldn’t have sex on the first date, I made that very clear, but you just kept pushing and pushing.
I thought I would never hear from you again, I thought you were kind of an ass for doing that, I had asked you not to and you kept pushing and pushing as if you didn’t hear me, but I just tried saying it was the alcohol right> Then you called the next day wanting to do dinner. From the minute we got there you were bragging about how you stopped yourself when I asked you to. As if that was something to brag about that you didn’t rape me on our first date?
I remember our first thanksgiving together you were going to come to my parents house and I was going to pick you up and when I showed up to your house you were just sleeping on the couch and told me you didn’t want to go and can’t we just stay there. I told you that you could stay home but that my family was very important to me and they were all expecting us to be there. You said the only way you would go is if I gave you head first. At first I thought you were joking but then I realized you weren’t so I knew my family was waiting and were late already so I gave you what you wanted, then that turned into sex. You made me get on top of you on the couch and I tired to explain that I wasn’t comfortable doing it you said I should because it was you. So I tired in the meantime you pulled at my hair messing it all up and when you finished you were upset that I didn’t orgasm.
I told you that I was sorry but like I explained over and over before I never had had an orgasm and didn’t know if I ever would. You said well now you have a mission patted me on the back and said maybe I will get you a book or something and it will help with my sex skills, you zipped up your pants and we went to my parent for dinner. I was completely blown away with what had just happened and I realized how much I had disappointed you. We had sex four more times that night each time you asked to do different things and would shove it harder and harder and I still didn’t orgasm. You finally gave up and said there isn’t anyone who would put up this shit you know. I was devistated you told me to just go ahead and go home. It was 3am I apologized and cried the whole way home trying to understand why you couldn’t see that it was just my body; it wasn’t anything about you or me not wanting you.
I remember the time I left work to go to the doctor because I had a really painful bladder infection. When I got home I told you what the doctor had said that I needed to rest from sex. You just accused me of sleeping with someone then made me go play a round of golf with your sister. I was so sick and in so much pain but we had to play golf because you wanted to and then we had to have sex that night because you wanted to. It didn’t matter what the doctor said.
You always pushed the sex card we never were having enough of it, or it wasn’t wild enough or I wasn’t trying hard enough, or I was cheating on you , or the minutes we finished s0065 we had to do it again. It was never ending, never enough. I hated sex with you, I hated the anticipation of sex with you of always being afraid I was going to let you down, not do it right, you would want more or you would be upset and then the sex started getting rough. After EJ was born and the affair was out all the porn was found it was if you stopped caring for me all together and sex was way different and got way worse from there. You would want sex every where, dirty places, alley ways in Reno with our baby in a stroller next to us, you would make me give you head on the couch while your sons sat right below us watching a movie. You would get so mad at me when you would come out of no where and grab me and I would jump, you would say I didn’t want you. It wasn’t about wanting you Brandt it was about fearing you, it was about you grabbing me the way an attacker would, it was about scaring me and making me wonder what’s next. You would tickle me when I had told you of the torture I went through as a child and how I cant stand to be tickled and you would do it anyway and get mad when I would get upset, tell the kids I was no fun, ask my parents if I was lying about what happened to me, you just didn’t care and would do it anyway.
You used to make comments about woman on the TV and tier size and how just because a woman has a child doesn’t mean they can keep all that baby fat on. I constantly tried to loose weight for you and I knew every time I put too much weight on you would flip me over during sex. You said you couldn’t get turned on if you had to look at my fat. You would flick my fat during sex and shake your head in disgust. Do you have any idea how horrible that made me feel, do you know that you made me feel like the most disgusting thing on earth, I don’t know that I will ever be able to look at myself necked.
Every vacation we went on was around hunting or fishing or looking for a place to hunt or fish, we never went to the ocean, we never went for those walks in the hills, we never even talked about what I wanted or liked. It was always about what you wanted and drag the kids along. Children don’t want to sit in a boat for 8 hours a day fishing Brandt, they are kids, they want to swim and play and have picnics and be kids, but that was never expectable to you. You would yell at them.
We made good money together but we never had any, you would spend and spend and spend., I tried so many times to talk with you regarding a budget or how we needed to cut back and you would just get angry and say you didn’t understand where all the money went or how could everyone else do new cards and trucks and we couldn’t. I would try to explain it to you or show you the checkbook and you would just get more and more angry, you would say I was hiding money or we will never be able to have retirement, a place to hunt. Then you would go to Wal-Mart and spend 700 dollars on groceries that I would have to put on a credit card. I could never keep up with you and you’re spending. When you wanted a gun, we bought a gun, when you wanted ammo, we had to buy it, when you wanted to go on a hunting trip, and I had to find a way to pay for it. If you wanted to buy 500 dollars worth of hunting gear I had to do it, it didn’t matter what bills we had or if we had money in the account or not. You didn’t care; it was just if you wanted it we had to buy it. And with that we never had money, never could save money. And that was something you were always upset about, once again nothing was ever enough, or ever right.
You use to say “no one puts baby in the corner” from the movie dirty dancing but it so often felt like that was exactly what you were doing. You made me feel so low, so worthless, and so wrong.
When we first met there were moments where we would dance and I felt like the greatest thing on the dance floor you are one hell of a dancer, but like everything else I soon noticed that when I would mention I don’t want to do a certain moved or please don’t do that you would get upset and do it more as to show me you could do what ever you wanted even if it hurt me you didn’t care, like dancing since my back and else surgery has changed completely, but not to you you wouldn’t slow down, or treat me gently, you just didn’t care. You would ask me to dance with you then the whole dance you would comment on how I was doing it wrong or why was I so stiff, or I had gained too much weight and you couldn’t hold me tight, or I can’t just have fun. No matter what I was doing if you wanted to dance I was suppose to drop everything and dance with you. And you would get so mad when I wouldn’t tell you I can’t cuz I was feeding the baby, or cooking or something. You would become enraged start screaming that I was sleeping with someone else or doing something somewhere else because I was never happy, never acted happy at home.
When we moved back to The City after you lost your job with Work we lived in my parents apartment until we could get back on our feet again. You went into the academy and things were better for a moment because you felt important you, you thought you were all that. I was so proud of you and the way you made it threw the academy and finally had one of your dreams come true to be in law enforcement. I thought for sure now that you had broken away from Work and would be working in a prison with men that we would start new, start fresh, and be happy. At your graduation ceremony I quickly saw how you had worked your Brandt magic and you were “Friends” with every female officer. I didn’t think anything at first because I wanted so desperately to be happy, we had a baby, we were back near family, we both had good jobs and I just wanted to be happy live our lives. After a year in the apartment we finally moved into our house on Nye. I had my back surgery and you where working in lovelock half the week and then you’d come home and wed work on the housed. I was so excited I got to paint the kids rooms and our room and we were going to start living and things would get better but they didn’t, your anger your jealousy it just got worse, and then it came, you were in trouble at work. You were being accused of getting a lap dance from one of the female officers. You quickly got defensive said you couldn’t believe I would believe such a thing and how could I betray you like that. That was Thanksgiving Day. I told you I was sorry and you were right it was horrible that your work would set you up like this and how could I help. You had me lie to the investigator when she asked if you had ever had sexual problems in the past. You then transferred to The city so we could have more time together. You got put on the night shift and would watch EJ during the day while I worked. I would call during the day to check on her and I’d wake you up and you would get so angry and scream at me. I knew you were sleeping and leaving our little girl alone, but if I questioned you about it or your parenting you would come unglued.
Everything was getting worse, your drinking, your screaming, your temper, your sex drive, your jealousy. You blamed it on working graveyards, you blamed it on all the work you were doing on the house, and you blamed it on me. You said that you had starting talking with your LT at work S and she said you should see a therapist. Shirley started coming over for dinners and birthday parties and quickly became part of our family. She would pull me aside and tell me that I don’t deserve to be treated that way and that you are and ass and you need to get your shit together. You started seeing the Dr but things got worse. Way worse. You started cornering me in bathrooms getting right in my face and screaming at me. I would be backed between the toilet and the wall and you would scream and accuse me of cheating on you and how I don’t appreciate you and don’t love you. You would slam the wall next to me head and the rage pouring out of you terrified me. You would look at me and shake your head and call me a fucking baby for crying. Really Brandt, you were scaring the shit out of me. There were nights when you would be drunk waving your gun around saying I didn’t love you and everyone would be better off if you were dead and I would cry and beg you to stop talking that way and you’d leave with the gun and not say where you were going. I was so terrified; I would call Sand ask her what to do. She would talk to you when you got back and then you would pass out somewhere. You would spend hours on the phone with Shirley hours, and I would have to feed the kids, and do all that why you stood outside on the phone. But if anyone called me, I couldn’t leave the room and you would want to know who I was talking to and you would sit right next to me to listen to the conversation and then tell me I wasn’t being a good wife and mother and I wasn’t taking care of my family.
One night when it was really bad I tried going to bed to get away, you came in the room screaming in my face as I lay there I tired not to respond to you, tired not to say anything to make you more angry but that just made it worse. You were standing next to the bead leaning over my face screaming punching the pillow by my head, I screamed leave me alone and you put your hands around my throat and looked me right in the eyes and said you don’t tell me what the duck to do, do you understand, I will fucking leave when I am ready and you picked my head up and slammed it down on the bed and walked out and said see I’m not your ex husband. I was terrified, I was so fucking scared, I lay there crying silently for what seemed like hours until you came in and got on top of me and started fucking me, it hurt so bad, you were so angry so violent, I could feel my insides ripping, I could feel the blood pouring out of me. And as I laid there I faded away, faded away to place that was Brandt free, a place that didn’t hurt. I stayed Brandt, I stayed with you, I tried harder, I did more, I had made you a promise to love you and I was trying, but you wouldn’t let me.
Right around this time was when I found out I was pregnant it w as the second happiest day of my life, the first being the first time I heard Emma Jane's heart beat. I was so excited so happy and so terrified to tell you. The biggest miracle of my life was happening, I was pregnant, something the doctors said would never happen, all the sex we had over the years and never using protection and now, this miracle a positive pregnancy test, I was on top of the world, for a second. I wanted to tell everyone but I knew I needed to tell you first. That was the longest day of my life waiting for you to get home. When I saw you I said there is something I need to talk to you about, and you said what are you pregnant, you were all pissy about it. I said well actually I am. You looked me straight in the eyes and said “Huh, is it mine”. You crushed me Brandt, I had the most amazing gift given to me and you stomped all over me, you broke me. I started crying and said yes Brandt it’s yours. You shook your head and said how will this interfere with the hunting trip in a couple of weeks.
I had to beg you to go to the first appointment with me and had to make sure the appointment didn’t inconvience you. I got the first ultrasound and I knew something was wrong. I was scared and started crying and I told you that something was wrong. You told me to shut up and asked if it turned me on when I had to put the wanted inside me for the ultrasound. When the doctor came in and explained that there was a sac but no egg and that it was either super early in the pregnancy or it was a false pregnancy7, The doctor said I needed to take it esy for the next couple of weeks and then we would do a scond ultrasound to see fi there was a baby. He said due to my condition he wasn’t sure if it was possible for the baby. I was devastated and broke down crying, Dr C put his arm around me and said lets just wait and see, we never thought we’d get this far, and you, my husband, you asked if I could still go hunting next week. Dr C looked shocked and said, I guess as long as she is careful.
When we got home from the trip I found out for sure that Grey was in there. I was so happy, so happy, you could’ve cared less. The doctor said no sex for 8 weeks and you were pissed. Didn’t stop you form having painful violent anal sex with me. I would cry so hard and was so scared because our baby was trying to grow in there and he had a huge fight ahead of him and you didn’t care, you didn’t care that I was terrified the nine months that G would be born dead, that there was no way I was good enough for this wonderful being to grow inside of me. I so needed you and you were never there. I needed help those nights I would tell you I couldn’t feel him moving and you would jut tell me to shut up. You bragged to everyone about the night Greyson was conceived. you told people “You knew how to make boys” You bragged about how you had me bent over “Hitting that as hard and deep as it would go” I tried to ignore you Brandt, I didn’t want that night to be “The night” our son was conceived. That was one of the most horrible nights of my life. Why would you brag about that night Brandt? Do you remember that night the way I remember that night> you tied me up, threw me over the bed, rolled the cartridge of the gun, and then dragged the gun down my face, neck, shoulder, ribs, and butt while you were fucking me, and then I made the huge mistake of crying out loud and you did the unthinkable with your big dirty harry gun, you shoved that loaded gun in my ass and started fucking me with both your weapons. I thought for sure I was going to die that night. I did everything I could to be silent, to not make a sound as the tears rolled down my face. Finally you cam and it stopped or so I thought until you shoved the gun in my mouth full of my shit and blood Brandt, you shoved it in my mouth. Do you have any idea how that felt? I felt worse and grosser than the dog shit you step in. I soaked for hours in the bloody tub that night. And that is the night you want me to remember as our son being conceived?
When I got hospitalized at 6 months because of my breathing and blood pressure you told the nursed to leave so that I could rest. Then you shut the door told me to give you head. I was strapped to a baby monitor and IV, and a breathing machine in a hospital bed and you wanted head. You got what you wanted then had sex with me in my hospital bed with my breathing machine and baby monitor. You finished and left. You told me to get checked out and get home soon. When I got released from the hospital I was told to take it easy but you said the house was dirty and we needed to work on the back yard. So I did. The night Grey was born was a very scary night, the doctors were trying to save me from stroking out, I almost died 2 different times and as they took me into surgery all you cared about was making sure Dr C remembered to cut my tubes. You didn’t care Brandt, you didn’t care, you didn’t care that I was dying or that our son was in distress.
When Dr C handed me Grey it was the most amazing second of my life. I created that little being and he lived, he wasn’t born dead, and he was beautiful he had all his fingers and toes and lungs good strong lungs. And you know what you said as you looked at him, you said hey doc don’t forget to cut that shit out. Fuck you Brandt fuck you. I was given the most amazing gift in the world and all you cared about was taking it way. Fuck you it was all about you and how the kids just got in your way. You walked around that hospital flirting with all the nurses verifying that it was my tubes in the jar; you didn’t give a shit about that little miracle in my room. I hate you for making that a bad experience. I hate you for that. Not two weeks after I was home you were demanding sex again, and making me take a note into Dr C to have him sign saying I wouldn’t get pregnant. We weren’t suppose to have sex for 8 weeks at least, but it didn’t matter to you it was what you wanted.
Makes me think of 4th of July 2 years early. We were down on the river with your boys and emj we were fighting and you were very angry. I made the mistake of talking back. Then next think I knew I was under water. You were pushing me down with your foot. I just wanted to know where emj was, I didn’t care if you killed me, and I wanted you to. I just wanted EJ okay. Then I felt your foot in my back shoving me down. I knew I was going to die. And then you grabbed my hair and yanked me out. I was disoriented but tired to find my daughter. She was on your hip screaming, she was screaming Brandt, and you let her watch as you beat me under water. I got up out of that after grabbed my baby and got back to the car. Several hours later you and the boys came back and we went to my parents for dinner. I could barley move and you made sure to tell everyone it was just “Typical klutzy K", the next day the doctor said my back was broken and I d have to have an artificial disk put in. A month on a walker, six months of rehab, 29 staples and you wanted sex a week after surgery.
Brandt why, why did you do all that you did, why? Why do you act as if it never happened? You hurt me in ways I didn’t even think existed. You would tell me how I was to blame if only I would want you the way you wanted me. I did Brandt, I loved you with everything I had, I gave you everything, and you just couldn’t see it.
I could go on pages after pages of pain, humiliation, degrading pain, page after page of every night that you would do down on me how you would make me feel like I did when I was a kid and then tell me to get over it, I should like it because its you. But I didn’t like it Brandt I didn’t like it, I told you that I was molested as a little girl and that just doesn’t go away but you didn’t care cuz it was suppose to be about you it never mattered how I felt it never mattered if I liked it or not I was just suppose to I was suppose to do what ever you wanted. I was your fucking slave and you took every fucking last piece of me and there wasn’t much to take. I was such a mess when I met you.
You knew that you took advantage of that. You promised me this beautiful life you told me I would be safe that for once in my life I would be loved and protected and safe. And then you tried to stick our daughter softball bat in me, and when it wouldn’t fit you started hitting me with it, how is that safe Brandt, how is that loved? Why the bat why? My best friend says any human would know that a bat would not fit in either part of a woman, so WHY because it was in a movie, a porn movie? And my elbow, Brandt why, I loved you. I stood by you. I listened to all your hated and anger and told you how amazing you were. I just wanted to grow old with you. I tried so hard to be happy with you, but you couldn’t get there, you went the other way, why Brandt, I gave you everything I had was it not enough? I went from feeling worthless before you to a glimpse of I matter to fucking worthless beyond worthless after you. Why did you tell me all that, why let me have two amazing children all I have ever wanted but take so much from me that I cant take care of them, why. I gave you everything. I listened every time you talked about how horrible Mary was and how you wanted to cut her head off and skull fuck her, I listened tall those years you talked about how horrible you mom was how she didn’t like me, didn’t want anything to do with our kids, lies all lies, Marilyn wanted us Brandt she wanted to be nana to our kids Brandt. You took that from her too.
Our babies, my babies, I have lost so much time from them, love from them because I always had to make sure you were taken care of. As sick as our little girl would get it didn’t matter, you still wanted me to bounce back and be there to give you what you needed. Those stupid fucking moves, I hate born, I hate it. I don’t want to be your porn star, I told you about my brother, I told you about the porn, but you still made me watch it, do it, like him and you wanted me to like it. How am I supposed to like that Brandt, how?? It made me feel so dirty so gross all over again. How did we go from two people that were going to grow old together in the woods somewhere to me having to fuck you the way that took all dignity away from me? You were my everything I gave, and gave and you took and took and took some more and now you sit over there at our house fucking the neighbor as if I didn’t exist didn’t ever matter. I never really mattered did I? I was always nothing to you wasn’t I? I have tried over and over to let you go to be free of you. When you would scream and give the silent treatment I would sit on the couch and cry.
Do you know what its like to love someone so much and then out of no where you do or say the wrong thing and that person that is suppose to love you , suppose to be your everything that person just shuts all emotion off as if you didn’t exist. You would walk around the house or go out back and act as if I didn’t exist. When I would get home I would make your dinner for you and I would make it as strong as I could so you would get buzzed and want another one. I knew that if I got you drunk you would yell, threaten me, tell me how disgusting, how disgusting I tasted, how fat I was, how ugly I was, how much I made you sick, how I was screwing someone else, or whatever you tear me down with but if you were drunk you would only threaten about the sex you would only wave the gun in my face you would only shove it in my face, no where else. I would pray for you to just pass out or get so disgusted with me you would tell me to get out of your face and I could go to bed. I was so tired Brandt so tired of everything that went on in that house and trying to act as if we were this happy couple how when S would come over for dinner and you’d pin me against the door with your hand on my neck whispering you better not fucking blow it. And then having to open the door and smile. Or going to softball being screamed at the whole way watching our kids sit in the backseats crying and then “Poof” we were all suppose to act like one big happy family when we got to the field. You would sit in front of the TV and scream at the woman on the TV point the gun at them, pretend to aim and fire saying you stupid fucking whore, fucking woman rip your heads of and skull fuck you. I would do everything I could to get out of that room. I would envision what the house would be like if you were gone. There would be no dead animals on the wall there would be no screaming, I could watch TV about anything and not have to worry about how you would react. I t was as if I could leave the room, the world, you. The only way I thought I could leave.
Anytime I would say things were bad or we needed to talk you would come unglued talking about how I couldnt find someone better or that would put up with me or I already had someone, and then you would get in the safe, always to the guns. You would start talking about how everyone would be better off without you, you even went as far as acting as if you killed yourself leaving me to come home and find you so you could tell me I needed to learn my lesson. Everything was always about you. You took everything there was of me. You took my laughter, you took my love of helping others, you took my dreams of happily ever after, you took my desire to learn how to make love, I thought for once I would be with a man that would teach me what sex was all about what the big hoopla was. I though you were going to make me feel safe, I thought you were my soul mate. My one and only instead, you took my soul. You took everything from me.
We were supposed to conquer all, make it thru everything, but you just took everything and kept taking until there was nothing left. Stupid thing is I would have stayed in that house I would have kept trying to prove my love to you. I would have done anything for you but you went after our little girl’s heart and I couldn’t let you do what you did to me, which was not okay.
I could write more and more pages of all the horrible things but that isn’t what is going to save me. That is what is going to kill me. Instead it is time to tell you about now. Now I don’t sleep, I cry all the time and I want so bad to understand the why. I hate that fucking word why, because there is no answer to your why. You came into my life like a whirlwind out of no where at a time when I wanted to die. You told me you would love me, you promised me a life together, you promised me safety, security, loyalty and most important you promised to love me. You lied, you lied big, you don’t love me, and I don’t know that you ever have. You destroyed me. You took me. Or at least I thought you did. I thought there was no way to survive you. To survive your hate, hate that spewed out of you all over the place. You couldn’t even go to a grocery store without a gun on your hip and hate in your mouth. You have beaten me down Brandt, you have taken all self confidence I have, and you had taken my will to live, but its time for me to take it all back. I no longer belong to you Brandt; I am no longer your puppet. I am cutting the strings and I am going to learn how to move myself. There may not be much left to love but dam it its mine. I am never ever going to let your hands touch me, I am never going to have to feel you on me, in me, near me, tearing me, ripping me, making me feel like the ugliest person on earth. I will learn how to get dressed without worrying what you would think. I will be able to sleep someday. I will learn how to laugh again. I don’t ever want to be back in your web. I don’t want to hurt anymore, I want to live and I want to be safe. You have taken so much from me Brandt, so much I will never be able to be with another man because of you, and I will never know what love is.
I will never know what it is like to be pampered to fall asleep in someone’s arms feeling safe. I will never get to know what love is, what making love is. I will never get to hold hands with someone and watch the sun set. I will never get to grow old with someone and sit on the porch. You took all of that from me and I hate you for that. I hate you for not being the man you promised you would be. But I will find a way; I will find a way to listen to music without worrying that I can’t like it because it may mean something. Brandt you were my everything. I gave you everything and you took it all. So now I will cry a lot and I will hurt and I will grow stronger and I will love our children and I will fight with all I have to learn how to live. There will be a day that I can wake up and not cry in the shower, there will be a day I can walk in a crowed store and not pee myself with fear that you will get me. You can’t have me anymore Brandt I am taking the bits and pieces of me back they are not yours to crush anymore. They’re not yours to destroy anymore. I am a human being and all I wanted was to love you forever. I never set out to hurt you. I went out of my way to please you and now I sit alone and don’t know what I ever did. But I will never know the why and that is the hardest part.
You took a woman who just wanted to love and be loved. A woman who had an incredible heart and gave it to you and you stomped it stomped all over her you took every last bit of hope she had and you crushed it. And you didn’t even give a fuck because you didn’t think you didn’t anything wrong. You never do anything wrong. But Brandt I am barely standing and here to tell you, you did so much wrong and caused so much pain. You destroyed me; you took my dreams and shattered them. So Brandt you are wrong yo8u are so wrong.
I will say goodbye now, this is the hardest thing in the world for me because even with everything you’ve done, I still love you, but I have to let you go. I have to give you up to the evil hell you live in. I have to say goodbye to the thought that you would change. That you could be what you said you were. I have to say goodbye Brandt, I love you and I will never understand why you jut couldn’t love me back. You were my everything I wanted my dreams to be real but the only real thing is my nightmares. I tired everything I did everything and I gave everything I had to you and now I have to say goodbye and save myself, but myself back together and spent the rest of my life showing our babies they deserve so much more than someone like you.
Goodbye Brandt, I am letting you go, and I am going to learn how to live and love myself. I always though you were my everything but the truth is you just tired to take everything but I am saying no more Brandt no more, you cant have what little is left I ma no longer yours, so goodbye my love, you may not have loved me but I oh so loved you, I gave you all of me, but I have to pick up the pieces and walk away. I can’t look back and I can no longer give into you I have to say goodbye and let you go. My heart hurts so badly and I just want to scream and hit you until you can answer why you did this, but it won’t stop the pain and you wouldn’t only blame me. So goodbye Brandt it is time for me now.